uncensored-energy - Tumblr blog

[uncensored-energy]

I've still got a lot of stuff to work out.

But I can honestly say I'm not running from my life anymore. I'm not running from the hard stuff or chasing the next high.

I'm excited to quit playing and go back to my responsibilities and I think that's a blessing.

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2/3/24

I don’t know. I don’t know anything.

I know right now, that I’m working in myself. I know right now, I’m prioritizing school and work. I know right now that I’ve been spreading myself too thin.

I don’t think I can date right now. I’ve been single for a few months now. Sometimes I think I miss connection. But I honestly think I’m bored. And boredom is okay, it’s peaceful, and it isn’t an excuse to compromise everything I’ve built up until this point.

I had a busy week. I had full time stem classes, worked full time, I spent 14 hours at the dentist just to begin fixing my teeth, I had a concert, my friends birthday, and I’m shout to start my period. I wasn’t able to take care of myself all week. I feel like shit. I cried in the bathroom, I hyperventilated, I can feel myself being avoidant.

I don’t think I have time to entertain anyone. It partially feels like an excuse. I know how triggering a healthy partner would be. I know how much work that’s going to take. And I don’t want to do it. I don’t have the time. Not right now. I don't trust myself enough yet. I don't trust my routine. I don't trust other people enough. i barely have time for my priorities. I barely have time for myself. I don't think I have it in me to willingly risk my heart like that.

I can see my anxious and avoidant attachment right now. Honestly, it’s not worth risking me. I can’t give what I’d want to receive in a relationship. I don’t want companionship, it’s a waste of time and another opportunity to lose myself. I don’t think I have it in me for a romantic relationship.

I’m getting to know more of me, I’m getting to explore and love and hold me. I’m learning how I want to show up for my friends better, and what kind of person I want to be in relationship to them. I’m working on being more kind, gentle, reliable, giving, honest, and loving. To myself and the people I care about. I’m so grateful to have the time to play with me and care about me.

I know my heart is not open right now. I still have that feeling of not wanting to be loved or cared about or leaned on, especially when I’m not doing well. The idea of meeting someone makes me feel dread instead of excitement. I feel like it’s a cop out, to not push myself in that aspect right now, but I also feel like it’s the truth. That I just don’t have enough to give to anyone but myself and the people I’m already building community with.

I want to be healthy. I want to be happy. I want to be stable. I want a romantic partner at some point. I know what I want and need. But I don’t have it in me right now. My priorities remain myself and making sure I can be the best for me. And it sucks to say that, because I’d love to be kissed and snuggled. But I don’t have the energy to give anything healthy what I need to. I don’t have the time or the energy or the mental/emotional stamina to take on all of my triggers *with* someone right now. I need to learn to do that by myself and get better at it before I can even consider bringing someone else into it.

[uncensored-energy]

Im baaacccckkk. Long time no talk. I’ve been doing journaling more on paper, but this just felt right tonight. I think paper would’ve made it too real, or too permanent, perhaps.

I’ve been feeling very hurt and raw. I feel myself feeling like a victim and I don’t like any of it. I’ve come across an influx of men with this trait, or maybe it’s a trait that I’ve just never been conscious of, but it is making me feel sick. It feels like men treat me like they can do whatever they want with my body because I’m a woman, or because I’m physically weaker than them. I’m heartbroken. It comes in mostly micro aggressions. Where it can be dismissed if you bring it up, where you are the problem if you don’t just let them do what they want. Like it’s my job to constantly be smacking men away and having to protect myself from every guy I’ve ever met. Like they can’t self-govern. Like they don’t have the emotional intelligence or self control to not try to take advantage of me.

I feel physically ill about this. I feel like I’m in survival mode. I’ve been reactive and, again, I feel like I’m falling into that victim mentality. Like, I should be scared because men are physically stronger. Like the guy at the bar who would not stop touching me after I told him not to. Or the guy I was briefly dating kept trying to touch me after I physically moved away from him. Or the guy I slept with who wouldn’t stop FUCKING TOUCHING ME even after I moved his hands and snapped at him multiple times, because it was 5am and I had work in 2 hours. I slept on the couch that night.

I feel like my body isn’t mine. I read somewhere that women who have been assaulted frequently start doing things to attract less attention from men. They stop shaving, wear baggy clothes, stop showering. It’s funny that I resonate with that. Like I would rather be considered less put together than be hit on by a strange man at my job. That I put on masculine clothes when I feel like I’ve been violated. That I don’t know how to feel sexy, even for myself, because it’s not safe to be in my own body. It’s never been safe for me to be in my own body. It’s numbing, honestly.

And the worst part is that I keep repeating the cycle. I don’t feel safe. But I crave that. Probably because I didn’t get that from my dad and because my grandfather was the one who began the sexual abuse. I wanted to feel safe with men. I want to feel safe with a man. I keep looking for it, that connection and intimacy with someone where I do feel safe and respected. But Im perpetuating the cycle. I feel like I’m spiraling every time I feel violated. And then I grasp. I look for something to hold on to. Something to make me feel safe. Something, or someone rather, to fill that need that was never met. But then I end up in situations with men that I don’t know, I don’t trust, and even more hurt.

And I don’t know how to feel safe within my own body. Because it doesn’t matter how strong I am, or how much I go to the gym, or how well I know self defense. If I am cornered by a man bigger than me, or with a weapon, or even just off guard, I’m no longer safe.

And I’m fucking angry. I’m angry that men will deny it, or deflect, or claim they struggle the same way. I’m angry that people will still tell me it’s my fault. Like the hypocrisy of being an independent woman and being a safe woman doesn’t exist, because you can’t do both. You can’t grab dinner or drinks by yourself because it’s not safe. But you shouldn’t need a man or a friend to be with you to do things.

I’m angry that I’m shown over and over again that men are not safe to be around. Even the good guys have this mindset. That it’s my fault for letting my body be taken advantage of. Like I’ve ever been able to care about my body. Like it’s a safe place for me to be. It’s not? It creates this feeling of not caring what happens to me, because it could’ve/would’ve happened anyway. And I don’t know how to stop it.

That cycle of wanting normal, human connection. Having physical intimacy with someone, being able to be held and loved. I’m normal for wanting that. It’s normal to not want to be alone. I’m okay with being alone, but even when I meet someone and I want to take my time and get to know them, I’m reminded that my body is not mine. Not to them. And I’m heartbroken. And I feel broken. And I know I’m not, but I also don’t know where to go from here.

In all honesty, I want to be held and cherished and loved. I want to have intimate, passionate, loving sex with a partner that shares a mutual respect. But I don’t know if I’m ever going to get that. I don’t remember the last time I had sex and felt safe. And I’m scared to. I’m scared to meet someone that makes me feel like that. I want someone, but I also want to be left alone. And I want to be held and supported, but I want to be strong and independent. I’m confused and sad and I feel like an animal.

And this is something I keep solving and then breaking down. I’ll be doing okay, when I’m not thinking about it. When I’m with someone who, even if they’re terrible emotionally and mentally, as long as sexually I feel taken seriously I’ve tolerated it. Because I want intimacy. I want to be healthy and happy and safe in my body. I want to want to take care of me. I deserve that. But I’ve never had a reason to. If I take it too seriously, all of that is real. It’s real how many times I’ve been touched without my consent, or assaulted, or even just threatened for fun. Because someone can.

Because even for my friends in “good” relationships. They still tell me how pushy their partners are. They still tell me about how it’s a chore that just needs to get done. Or how they “missed” and fucked their ass and then got angry when she didn’t want to sleep with him anymore. Or how… I’m exhausted.

I need to be with someone so sweet. I need someone gentle, and patient, and empathetic. I need a disgustingly high emotional intelligence. I deserve that from someone who wants to be physically intimate with me. I want someone to care enough about me, as a human, to put me before their own desires, at least when it comes to sex.

I want to heal my own wounds the best I can. But I’d like a partner with true love to support me. So we can be intimate. Because this isn’t something that’s just going to go away if I stay alone. It’s not going to fix itself if I just never become intimate with someone again. I deserve that.

[uncensored-energy]

Here I am a again, manifesting a romantic partner while I work on myself.

My relationship with this person will be effortless. It doesn’t feel like work or giving something up. I’m not talking about no struggles, but it is easily worth the compromises. It is healthy, full of honest communication and kindness. We love each other deeply and fully. We remain individuals while we work together as a team with synchronicity. We have an understanding of responsibility and always do our best to pull equal weight in our partnership, but when one of us is having a hard time, the other picks up the slack. We laugh and have fun being silly with each other but we also hold down serious conversations with the unified goal of tackling the problem as a couple. There is loyalty and trust within each other, and any insecurities or flaws are discussed and worked on. There is a common drive to do and be better for ourselves and each other. We have aligned morals and values, sharing empathy for other people, ourselves, and each other, staying aware of social issues and helping each other widen our view points and understanding of the world. We can both take care of ourselves well, including holding down jobs, paying bills, and taking care of the home. I am so insanely attracted to them, mind, body, and soul, and they are equally attracted to me. Our sex life is fulfilling and passionate. We have a fairy tale type of love, that lasts.

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I don’t think that you’re going to be my forever, as much as I’d love to. I’ve been manifesting a man who is good with their hands for the last year, lol. But it’s nice thinking about someone, even if I don’t know if it’s going anywhere. The idea of you is pleasant and makes me feel good.

Ironically, i can’t tell if the people I’m into are far away or if I’m into them because they’re far away and that takes the pressure off.

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I love the idea of having a partner. I love the idea of coming home and snuggling in to someone I love and who loves me. I love the idea of making dinner for them and sharing our day over a glass of wine and our favorite show. I love the little things that build our love and each other. The idea that there is a soulmate out there for me, and I for them, sounds perfect.

What I don’t love is the reality. Having to take on the emotional work load because I’m a woman. Having to mother a grown man because no one ever made him do it himself. Getting years into a relationship just for him to be unfaithful. Being expected to provide sex on demand. Coming home and wanting to eat junk food and stay up late sounds fun until my partner is in a bad mood, tired, and ready for quiet. Or sharing my bed when I can’t seem to get comfortable. Having to compromise on EVERY LITTLE THING because you have to when you’re in a relationship. Not speaking the same financial language; he wants to spend, I want to save. Not having good chemistry in the bedroom. Living in a loveless partnership because it’s too much work to leave. The resentment and constant communication. It sounds exhausting with the wrong partner.

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Maybe I’m not ready for a relationship, or maybe I haven’t met someone that makes me want a relationship.

I’m not building a wall up, but I think I need to take a break from dating and focus on myself.

I’m not ready to deal with these adult children who don’t know how to clean or take care of themselves and their homes, if they even have a home. I don’t want the shitty communication or emotionally problems that come with it. I don’t want to be somebody’s mother.

The idea of giving up my free time, energy, and space to someone else sounds taxing. Emotionally draining.

Dealing with sex, consequences, and the like sounds like a pain in the ass.

I am supposed to be alone right now. I can feel it.

[uncensored-energy]

Just to add on because I’m still angry.

You are a fucking man-child. Claiming you’re so mature. But you can’t even take care of yourself. You “need” someone to fight for. Fucking gross.

I want to be cold and heartless for a moment.

You were a monster. Abusive in disguise. It’s no wonder your eleven year relationship had no love or affection, if you treated her the way you treated me. I was unappreciated. You didn’t see me, or know me, or care to. You liked that I was your emotional dumping ground. Someone you could one-up on your self-pity party. Someone you could tell your whole fucked up life to. You’re thirty years old. It’s time to take responsibility for your actions and behavior and stop blaming you mom and dad for how you turned out.

In all honesty, I don’t care that you were and are addicted to drugs and alcohol. I don’t care that your dad beat you. I don’t care that you grew up in a shitty neighborhood where you had to be hard and everyone killed each other. I don’t care that all your friends need professional fucking help. I used to care, feel bad for you, but you pushed me to the point of no empathy, no sympathy. You’re not “better” than everyone else because you’ve been through things. It doesn’t make you deep, or interesting, or wise. It made you bitter, abusive, immature, and exhausting. You think that you know everything and no one else has had it worse than you. Truth is, there are plenty of people suffering, and suffering is not a skill or an accomplishment.

Instead of surrounding yourself with people who could help you, you got sucked right back into the world of violence and addiction. Instead of learning how to communicate and fold your own fucking laundry, you decided to do blow every day and blame your problems on your ex and your family and friends. You get drunk and accuse me of things I didn’t do and scream nonsense at me and then cry and guilt trip me when I tried to leave. I was genuinely scared for my physical safety.

I’m angry that I ever let you touch me. That I played into your “nice guy” routine. That you were proud of yourself for never sexually assaulting a woman or cheating; like basic human decency should be praised instead of expected. That when I started to see the real you, I said, “maybe it’s not that bad, he’s sweet.” I hate that I kept making excuses for your poor behavior and I didn’t uphold the boundaries that I KNEW I needed to. I hate that I kept seeing you even after I stopped liking you. I used you for whatever fucked up thing my brain thought it needed from you. Security? Support? I don’t know, I didn’t get any of that. Why would I need any of that from you? I’m not interesting or deep like you; my dad never busted my teeth out.

You were narcissistic. I’m sure you still have everyone fooled. You’re a “good guy”. You were manipulative and a liar. You changed every narrative to make yourself look like the victim while simultaneously trying to act better than me. I had to start recording our conversations because you couldn’t keep your story straight. You instigated fights and insecurities between me and your friends. Telling me that they thought I was flirting with them, or that I must be sleeping around. Dragging me into drama with people I didn’t even know so that I’d only trust you and your sources. Trying to make yourself the only person I could depend on. But you forgot that you were only a small part of my life. I was not sucked into your bubble with you. And I couldn’t care less about your equally toxic friends.

I lied every time. You would tell me you liked me or missed me, and I would say it back out if obligation. That’s not me. I’m not a liar. I don’t like using people or wasting their time. I don’t know why it was so hard for me to leave this situation behind. There was nothing there for me. But still I stayed, and played the game. And this is my punishment: I wasted my own time and energy, and the only thing I have to show for it is anger, shame, and disappointment.

[uncensored-energy]

I want to be cold and heartless for a moment.

You were a monster. Abusive in disguise. It’s no wonder your eleven year relationship had no love or affection, if you treated her the way you treated me. I was unappreciated. You didn’t see me, or know me, or care to. You liked that I was your emotional dumping ground. Someone you could one-up on your self-pity party. Someone you could tell your whole fucked up life to. You’re thirty years old. It’s time to take responsibility for your actions and behavior and stop blaming you mom and dad for how you turned out.

In all honesty, I don’t care that you were and are addicted to drugs and alcohol. I don’t care that your dad beat you. I don’t care that you grew up in a shitty neighborhood where you had to be hard and everyone killed each other. I don’t care that all your friends need professional fucking help. I used to care, feel bad for you, but you pushed me to the point of no empathy, no sympathy. You’re not “better” than everyone else because you’ve been through things. It doesn’t make you deep, or interesting, or wise. It made you bitter, abusive, immature, and exhausting. You think that you know everything and no one else has had it worse than you. Truth is, there are plenty of people suffering, and suffering is not a skill or an accomplishment.

Instead of surrounding yourself with people who could help you, you got sucked right back into the world of violence and addiction. Instead of learning how to communicate and fold your own fucking laundry, you decided to do blow every day and blame your problems on your ex and your family and friends. You get drunk and accuse me of things I didn’t do and scream nonsense at me and then cry and guilt trip me when I tried to leave. I was genuinely scared for my physical safety.

I’m angry that I ever let you touch me. That I played into your “nice guy” routine. That you were proud of yourself for never sexually assaulting a woman or cheating; like basic human decency should be praised instead of expected. That when I started to see the real you, I said, “maybe it’s not that bad, he’s sweet.” I hate that I kept making excuses for your poor behavior and I didn’t uphold the boundaries that I KNEW I needed to. I hate that I kept seeing you even after I stopped liking you. I used you for whatever fucked up thing my brain thought it needed from you. Security? Support? I don’t know, I didn’t get any of that. Why would I need any of that from you? I’m not interesting or deep like you; my dad never busted my teeth out.

You were narcissistic. I’m sure you still have everyone fooled. You’re a “good guy”. You were manipulative and a liar. You changed every narrative to make yourself look like the victim while simultaneously trying to act better than me. I had to start recording our conversations because you couldn’t keep your story straight. You instigated fights and insecurities between me and your friends. Telling me that they thought I was flirting with them, or that I must be sleeping around. Dragging me into drama with people I didn’t even know so that I’d only trust you and your sources. Trying to make yourself the only person I could depend on. But you forgot that you were only a small part of my life. I was not sucked into your bubble with you. And I couldn’t care less about your equally toxic friends.

I lied every time. You would tell me you liked me or missed me, and I would say it back out if obligation. That’s not me. I’m not a liar. I don’t like using people or wasting their time. I don’t know why it was so hard for me to leave this situation behind. There was nothing there for me. But still I stayed, and played the game. And this is my punishment: I wasted my own time and energy, and the only thing I have to show for it is anger, shame, and disappointment.

[uncensored-energy]

I need to be single right now. I need to focus on me. I haven’t been alone in a very long time and there are things in my head I need to sort out.

I need a new job, that pays better. I will obtain that, before my bills start piling up. Financial freedom and independence is key.

I will find a nice apartment or house with my brother and maybe Alexa. It will be affordable and include a washer and dryer and be located in the right place.

I will figure out if I can handle another roommate.

I will learn to set firmer boundaries, especially with friends.

I am still getting over Nic. Not because I miss him. Mostly because I’m angry. I’m angry that I let myself be with someone like that when I knew better. I want to be a bitch. I want to be hateful and heartless and cruel. I want to call him every name in the book. Maybe I will. Get it out, on a separate post. But it was my own fault for not following my heart. I will move on gracefully and fully soon enough though.

I am learning to watch my thoughts and then let them pass. I am allowing myself the space to feel and think without attaching to it.

I will reconnect to my roots and continue to grow in the way I’m supposed to.

[uncensored-energy]

It’s so funny, I spent all day not stressing about Nic. It’s like he can’t see a world outside of his little bubble. He is crawling around in the dirt and grime and won’t even try to look up at the stars sometimes. As soon as I woke up today it was another person who killed themselves. Another best friend who was in jail, another guy he loves who got into trouble. I don’t want to live like that. That’s not normal or healthy.

I think the universe is trying to pull me out. Nice and easy. I just gotta rip the bandaid.

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3/8/22

I know better. I know better and I'm not doing better and it's fucking with my mental. I *know* I don't like you. I know you're not what I want in any kind of relationship. I also know that you want this. You want this because I'm secure, and stable, and comfortable. You also want this because you're codependent and unstable. I am a vessel for you to talk about yourself and your problems.

But you straight up told me you're not the person I can lean on. You're too chaotic, you've got too much going on. I want someone I can lean on, lean into, and who can lean on me, too. I am not an emotional support animal, nor do I care to be a mother or a placeholder.

There are about 8,000 reasons why I don't want this. You're addicted to drugs and alcohol. When you get drunk (which is often) you pick fights and yell at me. You can't communicate. You aren't emotionally stable. You've got a misplaced sense of loyalty and friendship. I am practically dating all of your friends based on how much we all know about each other. You can't keep your head or your story straight when it comes to them. You don't tell me the truth, you tell me what you think I want to hear. You would sleep with your best friend given the chance. You can't do basic things to take care of yourself: laundry, cooking, cleaning. You have the opposite lifestyle to what I want to have. The only thing we have in common is the place we drink. Your anger is scary and I don't trust you. Your emotional unavailability and lack of vulnerability is a turn off.

I'm still trying to figure out how to end this amicably, I don't think I can. I know you'll tell me you're okay and nothing can hurt you. But in reality, you're going to be hurt because you don't know how to be alone. You are going to bad mouth me to all of your friends and that's actually okay. I'm okay with that. Once I end this, I don't plan on being a part of your life anymore.

The thing is, I spent all weekend thinking about how I was using you. I was using you for this new job, I was using you because I like the bar you work at. And I was justifying it because you got emotional stability and attention from it. But it's not right. I can't hide my feelings and I feel gross when I tell you I miss you back, or when you ask to come to a festival with me. That's not what I want. I don't want you. I knew it was all wrong when I felt dread when I thought about tripping with you.

All weekend I made friends. I met a super sweet guy who I vibed with and spent a good set with. We traded candy and water and he made me laugh. It was fun. Not that it was anything serious, or that it will go anywhere, but it was so fun. And that's what dating is supposed to be. Fun. Not stress and triggers and confusion and pain. A relationship isn't fun all the time, but the good should outweigh the bad.

I don't know how I'm going to end this, but I do know that it's going to be soon.

[uncensored-energy]

The universe has been telling me, and I haven’t been listening. I am supposed to be alone. Maybe not forever, but right now. Definitely right now. I have to figure my shit out. Enjoy being free. Reestablish my boundaries and expectations. Reconfigure what I want.

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“Why do you talk to me like you’re my mom” well if you weren’t acting like a child I wouldn’t have to smdh

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I know I’m being stupid. When someone tells you who they are, believe them. It’s been a while since I’ve posted here, mostly because the people I’ve been dating I’m not serious about. There’s no real future there. So why is this guy different?

Honestly, it’s because he’s perfect on paper. Everything that I wanted in a partner (on paper) he has. He is handsome, in my-type kind of way (even has the curly hair, lol). He is kind. He’s a vegetarian, same as me. He’s got a degree and goals. He does yoga every morning and doesn’t drink. He’s very well put together.

But I got the vibe he just likes the game, and it was confirmed when we went out the other night and he told me he “likes the chase. Not too much, but he doesn’t like it to be easy.” He has mentioned early on that he couldn’t because I’m young (about 13 years younger than him), which I honestly respected. It was fun to hang out with him.

I was okay with that. But I’m human and sometimes things fall into a grey area. I felt a little jealousy when he took his shot with 2 of my friends. This last time we hung out, I mentioned that I don’t like when the person I’m seeing flirts in front of me, and he was very respectful the whole night, even though there was a girl there obviously flirting with him.

We haven’t had sex, he’s been very respectful, in all honesty. And he’s very sweet and fun and, dare I say, a little romantic. But all the signs tell me to not take him seriously, at all.

I need to make sure I don’t get invested in this, or him. He likes the game, and he is not going to give me what I want emotionally. I am normally very good at seeing this behavior and cutting it right the fuck off. Maybe I’m lonely, and I’m having fun. But I can’t let myself think that this could be something. Not the way it is.

I don’t even know him, in all honesty. We’ve only been out a couple of times. I just don’t want to get hurt or miss out on other opportunities because I was preoccupied.

My deck told me I would be okay, I know what I’m doing, and I know how to let in abundance and turn trash into treasure. I know better than what I’m doing, but I’m still doing it, which seems like a common theme for me lately (which is new in itself). But I need to take it slow and just enjoy the moment and not hold on to anything except myself. The worst that happens is I learn a lesson the hard way, it wouldn’t be the first time.

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I want to feel passion and desire. I want to feel desired. All of me. I am loveable. Even if I’m not at my best right now. I am a good person. I have a good heart. I am passionate, compassionate, empathetic. I am lovely, even if I’m not for everyone. I deserve to be loved fully and I will not settle for less.

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