undead-nest

[undead-nest]

he doesnt even like me anymore. i know he doesn't. why the fuck would he? im nothing im nothing and he is so much. he is so amazing and cool and i am nothing except a weight around his neck. im a chain holding him back

[undead-nest]

i dont get to be absolved of my sins. i dont get to brush aside hurting people. i dont get to point to my pain and use it to wash the blood off my hands. i will not ask forgiveness or kindness or consideration because i know i do not deserve them and to ask is a sin all its own. i do get reprieve. until i have managed to stop hurting other people i do not get ask for anything. i am the broken gear of the machine, the splinter that digs into the flesh. i dont need to be helped, i need to either stop being a problem or i need to be removed

[undead-nest]

i need to stop being so fucking whiny. i dont have anything to complain about. im fine, im just being fucking dramatic and looking for attention and absolution.

[undead-nest]

he tries so hard and i dont undeerstand why that isnt enough for me. i know it should be enough for me

[undead-nest]

i know that i keep fucking up, i know that i keep breaking down at all the times when i shouldnt. i just dont know how to tell him that im upset.

he tries so hard to give me care and i feel awful for this but a lot of the time it just makes me feel worse.

i dont know how to tell him that even though hes trying as hard as he can my needs still arent being met and every time i try to ask for what i need its upsetting to him.

i know his needs arent being met either, i know that im not doing a good enough job but im really trying and i dont know if he sees that.

i dont think he sees the ways im trying to do better and i dont think he sees the ways in which im upset or hurting either.

we had a fight last weekend that was entirely my fault. i did something that really hurt him when he was already hurting.

but something that we never talked about was that i was hurting too, that the way i acted was because i was trying to help while also hurt but and it feels like we never address when im hurt because i express it in ways that are different.

whenever i try to get the support or care i actually need in the way i actually need it it gets brushed off or ignored or forgotten or is upsetting to him.

whenever i say or do something out of insecurity or self hatred that is upsetting to him and needs to be addressed we address it, the same cant be said of the reverse. even when i try to talk to him about these things it always goes ignored.

[undead-nest]

what the actual fuck is wong with me?

[undead-nest]

there isnt anything actually wrong with me, theres no medical reason for why i am the way i am. no issue with my neurology, no trauma or mental illness makes me like this. its just me, just me being selfish, just me not caring about anyone, just me hurting people to get what i want without really caring about what they need. i think i care, i lie to myself and say that i care, but if that were true i wouldnt act like this. if it were true i would hurt people or drain them of all their energy. i dont have anything or anyone to blame but myself. there isnt some parasitic thing in me that does this to people, its just me.

[undead-nest]

it doesnt matter how hard i try to stop myself, how much i put into trying to starve the blood sucking thing inside of me. it always finds new ways to parasitically drain anyone who tries to love me. even when i try to make it starve, force it and myself and the rest of the hive that is me to find a way of feeding that isnt parasitic it just uses that attempted starvation to feed even more. it twists every effort i make to keep it in line into a new acenue to feed off the lives of others.

i t doesn't matter how much i try to be a good friend or a good daughter or a good community member or a good person im always falling. im always doing something wrong, im always taking too much and giving to little. no matter what i do to try and be better i remain a parasite on everyone im close to. im a leach that eats and eats and eats away at peoples energy and wellbeing and at the resources of my community while contributing nothing in return.

[undead-nest]

i t doesn't matter how much i try to be a good friend or a good daughter or a good community member or a good person im always falling. im always doing something wrong, im always taking too much and giving to little. no matter what i do to try and be better i remain a parasite on everyone im close to. im a leach that eats and eats and eats away at peoples energy and wellbeing and at the resources of my community while contributing nothing in return.

[undead-nest]

why cant i just do things like everyone else. im always missing out on something. its whenever im somewhere everything interesting just stops, like i drain thr world of its excitement just by being present

[undead-nest]

theres nothing in me. im not important. i don't know things or think things, i havent experienced anything interesting or done anything notable. im simply nothing and i keep insisting im something, that there is something wrong with me, that im in pain, that anything i say matters or is interesting, that im anything other than completely normal with nothing in my brain that is worth anyone else hearing about

[undead-nest]

what the fuck is wrong with me????? why cant i just let things be important, why cant i just be honest about things

[undead-nest]

my brain is fucking rotten. i can feel it not workijng likr its supposed to. i should br ablr to think, i should br good at ot. but everything in my brain is rotten wnd my thoughts are rotten

[undead-nest]

i hate that i have to be on some of the most powerful stimulants possible just to have some of the experiences he and others do. im not actually sick, theres nothing actually wrong with me until the meds side effects kick in. im not interesting or special, im just high

[undead-nest]

fucking broken fucking toy. no one wants to fucking play with you. youre a fucking broken toy stop acting like people should want to play with you

[undead-nest]

im never going to be anything but a liar. none of what i say is true, i dont know why im like this, why im so atention seeking. i just want to act like everyone else, react like everyone else but instead i lie and lie and lie. i want to pull the spider out of my brain and kill it. no matter what i do, no matter how much i carve and brand the lie into my skin it will never be true

[undead-nest]

ive been in a hole for most of my life, a hole that i drag other people down into. no matter what, no matter how well i think im doing i always end uo back here and i dont know how to get out.