undefine1923

[undefine1923]

Instead of listening to me, the worst thing you could have done is “send me off” to a hospital. You sent me to a hospital where even if I am experiencing horrible thoughts, I am going to do everything in my power to verbally talk my way out of these walls. Even if I could use the help, my body and brain won’t allow it. People let me down all the time and I cannot take it anymore. Today was another horrible day and it is always going to be this way. I don’t just brace for a nights worth of emotional and mental pain, I brace for a life having to be lived that way. I can’t keep suffering like this.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

[undefine1923]

There is so much I don’t want to deal with right now. I genuinely do not want to be here. You know, here on Earth. I am so alone and it is the same shit over and over again. But as I lay on my shower floor, I realize I’m also agitated with myself and how I feel. I am completely annoying myself.

How the fuck do you find the good; The calm in the midst of chaos and unintentional self destruction? You cannot pretend you are fine because it is a waste of time, Courtney. Why don’t you listen to those that are treating you professionally? BECAUSE I CANT GET BETTER 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

[undefine1923]

JUNE 10 | 2025

Tonight I feel empty; Though I am not numb. I am in-between. There were some things said to me today by two different people that I 'care' about their reactions and I know that their reactions will impact me in either a positive or negative way.

"I found myself really wanting to help you last night and (silence) I just can't. Believe me, I want to help and I can't." (This was said to me by my therapist, today.) - Ok. At first I had a trauma response where I took a step back and put distance between my therapist and I. I felt hurt by it (It felt like a small sting) and then rather quickly (I'd say an hour; Maybe two at most) I accepted it? and moved on with my day mentally. (Saved myself feelings of despair) (This is an example of my fear of abandonment being triggered.)

"I'm sorry I have a full schedule today." - (This was said to me by my therapist today.) - The reason this impacted me in a negative way is because the night before (June 9) she said to me on the phone "We will definitely check in tomorrow don't you worry." After I got the courage to ask if I could check in with her the following day (today). (This is an example of my fear of abandonment being triggered.)

I felt triggered in the sense of abandonment today (Referencing back to "Abandonment of Care") because the Psychiatrist that I meet with in my current day treatment program said to me "Do you want to go to the hospital and then back to residential?" (This is an example of my fear of abandonment being triggered.) First of all, no, I do not want to go back to residential treatment. I understand why I was asked this question, though. It makes sense from a caretaking standpoint. I am in fact struggling to do what I am supposed to do outside of the program and the hours I am there. What is done outside of programming is what is most important. If you can't do 'the thing of recovery' on your own, in your personal world - It could be a very real resolution to the destructive path I am traveling down.

I texted a coworker that 'I am feeling mentally better today and that I was able to talk with someone at my program' and her response was "I'm happy to hear this. I wanted to reach out but didn't know if it would be appropriate to do so. Take the best care of yourself." I do not know what the fuck is meant by what she said, but it knocked me off balance from at once feeling ok in that moment. (This is an example of my fear of abandonment being triggered.)

It saddens me because I do not want to live this way. I do not want to treat myself poorly. I do care about how I present myself and what is presented when others engage with me. I want emotional well - being more than anything right now. I want to want to stay alive. I also want someone to stay.

[undefine1923]

JUNE 8 | 2025

I have come across another crucial moment in my life. I have already went and gotten the help I so desperately needed, where I spent two months of my time working very hard to regain my energy and to regain my health. I can say that I know I worked my ass off because I never want to feel the way I felt before I went and got help.

"What happens if I slip?" - Me

"Then you will slip right back into your team and they will help you." - Therapist

Here I am. I have slipped and I am still falling. I do not have anyone that can be here with me. I cannot find the motivation to keep the wheel of change turning. I am ridden with shame - How can the one who was an inspiration to all those she resided with for two months be the one that needed help the most? And now it is over. It is gone - the opportunity that I was in was annoying, yes - and it was the best fucking chance I had at fighting this painful illness/disease.

I still do not have my dog even though I have been home from residential _________ for over a week, now. My living environment is not safe for my dog to be in while I am gone during the day doing my program. There is construction going on in my apartment and toxins/chemicals in the air because of the painting. Of course 'siciedu' is what comes to mind because I told myself I was not going to deal with the pain and physical/emotional distress that comes with this disease ever again.

And, here I am; Here we are. I wonder if I would actually fucking do it this time. I have no reason to keep going; Honestly.

[undefine1923]

JUNE 6 | 2025

Yesterday was a long day. I had my dentist appointment and it went better than I expected which is great. I went to programming afterward and ended up leaving to go back home after thirty minutes. In regards to my disorder/illness, I am doing worse than I thought I would be. It is very hard to have the motivation to better yourself with your own self as your support. The idea of simply having another breathing being around me gives me hope that I can still do this; That I can come out of this better. I do not have that and it feels like a barrier to getting better. (I am aware that I have control over whether I get better or not, even if my brain is wired differently.

Today I woke up at 3:45AM and I had a horrible night of sleep. I have a stomach ache right away this morning (My period is coming and the stress of my current living environment is causing this.) I did find a "sliver" of control when I came home yesterday afternoon to find the construction flooring they laid down was finally picked up, so I can see my original floor again. I swept, vacuumed and mopped my kitchen, bathroom and closet. (All the areas where the construction people have been working.) My day is another busy day and I write about it like I am complaining but I promise i'm not; I actually prefer and appreciate staying busy because that means less time is spent in my head.

Remember what was said - that "You can always choose to start to ___ again."

[undefine1923]

I am stressed out and having worry thoughts about yesterday. They will appreciate that you called today to say you were ____. Then tomorrow time will pass and as soon as Monday comes, you can say you are sorry because ‘it looks like my phone dialed this number several times’.

There may be and will likely be concern and talk about what happened on Friday and you need to just breathe. Remember these people are temporary, this current program for your illness is temporary and

Feelings are temporary. You do not have to be heard. It is possible to reign it in. For your sake, please reign it in.

[undefine1923]

When is it ok to stop?

[undefine1923]

I have a dentist appointment this morning so I won’t be at programming technically until late this morning. I will see how I am feeling, but I don’t know that I’ll want to go to programming since I have already been gone for half of the day. I have been nervous for this dental appointment and I’m still nervous as I sit here and gather the mental and physical courage to go inside. The pain of the cold metal on my teeth is unpleasant to put it lightly. The last appointment I had at the dentist the hygienist said a lot of shit that was basically said to put me down and make me feel bad about myself. The dental hygienist went as far as to comment on my ‘food intake’ or d___. Everything this idiot said left me feeling uncomfortable with going back, afraid to go back and scared to go back. Today, I hope I don’t get ridiculed for the status of my teeth because I know there are much worse out there. I have become assertive and if I need to set a boundary between the dental hygienist and myself, I fucking will.

I still can’t be at my apartment during the day because of the dam construction. The guy that’s been working in my unit keeps attempting to make friendly, flirtatious conversation and I want to kick him where it’ll shut him up. He said “Are we friends now since you asked me what’s up?” I was like are you fucking actually kidding me right now! Do your fucking job and get the fuck out of my personal space. I do not know you, I do not care about you, I do not care what has happened to you and I do not care for your mouth to move.

I got my period exactly 31 days ago and I know it is arriving today or this weekend. If I am in pain or if I experience Vasalvagal Syncopy due to my period; I will have no safe space to take care of myself, nor will I have any privacy.

I have no control. I just want to hide away, yet I can’t even do that. I feel like handing whatever control I do have left back to my disease because at least if felt like I could handle something.

[undefine1923]

JUNE 4 | CONTINUED

I put in an order for my medication and it is going to cost me $205.00. I put my pickup time for tomorrow so that way I do not feel like I need to hastily divert from my original plans that I had this evening which include relaxation and breathing. Just be.

---

[undefine1923]

JUNE 4 | 2025

I get to programming today and get pulled into an office by my therapist where I am told that there has been "rumblings" or "talk of" me sharing in passing with someone that the other therapist used to be sick. First of all, I should have never shared that information about my friend (the other program therapist) and second of all, how dare this person that I confided in and thought I could trust just go and say whatever the fuck she wants. This is literally why I do not trust anyone. I want to write that given my emotional reaction to the situation, I did see this coming or being brought up to me in one of my sessions. What I said was very inappropriate for the circumstance and situation that was at hand. I realized after I spoke that what I said was very disordered and it came out of my mouth wrong. I pretended like nothing happened and just ignored 'said person' for the weekend.

Fast forward to the end of the day today in terms of my treatment program (It is mid-afternoon) and I have people from my treatment group asking me to go to a restaurant with them tonight. (You don't even have to be there the whole time.) I am not up for it and I do not want to go. I would rather go for a walk or stay home and watch a movie where I am comfortable and physically safe. This world is a dangerous and scary place and I do not care to take a risk at my breathing life by going to hangout with people at a bar.

I get home to a mess (As per usual since construction started in my apartment two weeks ago.) except this time the mess is paint. There is paint drying so there is a strong potent smell that is "hopefully" air drying through my venting system right now. I get to the front of my apartment door and the fucking door handle has paint all over it. There is paint all over the floor in front of my door too. Then I enter into my apartment to see paint splattered on my bathroom door, my closet door, the bathroom floor, the walls, the floor, etc. And I also want to stress that I cannot even walk in my apartment because I am stepping in paint and then spreading it into my one small livable space that I have left in my control. (And even in my small space, there is nothing I can do to remove the stuff that is stressing me out because it has to be out versus put away.) As usual since construction started, when I got home I immediately started cleaning and wiping down my countertops. I swept the floors and I also disinfected all door handles. Every day that I have come home from my program I have had the same disordered thought of 'I'm just not going to ___.' I wonder if there is a way to just let that thought stay a thought and not have it turn into a conscience choice that I end up making because my brain tells me to make that specific choice. Albeit I find control in speaking that sentence, it will only hurt me. I guess we will see how the night ends up playing out. Every time I glance around my small space of living, my heart races and I want to run.

Another stressor on my mind is my financial situation that I am in. Since I have not been working for a little over two months now, I am not receiving any income outside of my rent being paid for. (Which thank you God I have the ability to at least pay for a place to live.) However, I have medication that I need to be able to purchase for mental health reasons. (So, valid reasons) I need to be able to feed myself and to be able to do that I need to have access to grocery money. I have a nicotine habit (unfortunately) and it is not cheap; This costs me money. Basically, I have to find control in my finances when I feel like there is none to be had. I can practice this control by making the choice to not go shopping on a whim and/or for things I want. I need to come up with a financial agreement with myself and then follow through with it - even if I am bored in the current moment. Practice makes the habit.

My plans for the rest of my afternoon and evening are to order my medication for pickup, order paper towels online for pickup, go to the coffee shop and spend time relaxing inside or outside in the shade. Possible things I can do if I finish with the above tasks include create a budget for the current month, go to the coffee shop and bring an activity with me, go for a relaxing walk, watch a movie on my favorite movie channel, go to the bookstore because I have a gift card, read my book I got from the library yesterday, create a grocery list or go visit a family member in your hometown.

[undefine1923]

JUNE 3 | 2025

It has been a long day. I was not able to go to programming today because I had other pressing matters (financial) to be taken care of first. My morning started out with me going to my local "government" office where the person who was assigned to me basically told me "There is nothing that I can do - they need to process your information more." (Even when I told him I won't be able to pay rent.) I had to calm myself rather quickly and I did that.

By the time I left, it was only one minute past the cutoff time that I would have had to arrive at my day programming by. I went home and had yogurt, then I went to the coffee shop and had a bagel with cream cheese and a large hot chocolate; I also did 'Sticker By Number'. After getting bored of being at the coffee shop, I decided to go to a store and on my way I stopped at my job to ask one of my managers a question in regards to scheduling.

I was feeling down on my confidence and overthinking whether it would be appropriate or even "ok" to show up at my job unannounced, however, it was clear to me that people were happy to see me and I got to have lunch with a group of people as well.

I shopped around today for random things (No surprise) and realized I was only doing it to stay busy and not relax. I am trying to remember it is ok to sit down and relax - our bodies deserve it. I like my new therapist so far at my day program so that is a relief.

[undefine1923]

[undefine1923]

I am trying.

[undefine1923]

[undefine1923]

Once again I will reiterate I am so stressed out by the shit all over my apartment that I don’t want to go to programming today. I need something to be in control of; Something to numb me. My home environment is a disaster. That with the feeling of extra skin on me; I am mad. In therapy today, I learned I am experiencing the same feeling that I did when this disease entered my life seventeen years ago. The same feelings provided by not having control over my living environment. It is a very different situation with many years in between. That is where this disease was born; That is where the coated feeling of numbness and protection began. That was a significant moment of trauma.

On a completely separate note, I got a letter in the mail from my insurance explaining why they denied my teams request to extend the current level of care that I was in (Residential):

"The reason is we spoke with your provider. You are not showing symptoms or behaviors that need 24 hour care. You are cooperative and participating in treatment. You are medically stable. You do not have any safety issues. You can think clearly. You can continue your care in a less intensive setting. Residential care is no longer medically necessary and not covered by your benefit plan. Please see your member handbook for "Rules for getting services our plan covers."

Did you not realize this disease is more mental than it is physical?

[undefine1923]

JUNE 2 | 2025

I do not want to go to programming today. It is painfully boring. My toilet is clogged and it is stressing me out because in order for me to go to the bathroom in my toilet again maintenance needs to come and fix my fucking toilet. (That is fucking annoying) I can't fully walk on my right foot. I can't sit on my right butt cheek because it is bruised and cut and has open wounds on it. My right shoulder going toward my middle back hurts with aching pain and I need to go buy pain patches for it. Construction is still being worked on in my apartment unit so it is crowded and suffocating in my studio apartment. I feel like I have absolutely no control and I feel like a mess.

[undefine1923]

MAY 30 | 2025 6:33AM

When I left "the program" yesterday morning, I expected that my answer to the question "Do you see any barriers getting in your way on this next journey of your ________?" would remain "No."

Had I known that the next part of my journey would involve a major conflict of interest and that my newly assigned program therapist would be someone that has been a long time acquaintance of mine (Over twenty years), has lived with me during t________ and gone through programs with me as a person struggling herself, albeit this acquaintance of mine has clearly found ________,

I would have boldly answered yes and maybe,

just maybe, I wouldn't be in the current spot I am in right now.