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[undercoverstiles]

Katniss' love for Peeta has taught her to understand and forgive her mother for emotionally abandoning them when her father died.

Katniss has always resented her mother for disappearing, leaving them to starve in her grief. And she has all the right to think, and feel that. She was eleven and selling baby clothes in the rain, about die of starvation. She was signing up for tessarae the minute she was qualified. She was hunting in the woods as a child. She was pushed into immense responsibility because her mother no longer had the will to live--despite her and Prim still being alive. She believed that relationship was severed and she saw her mom as weak, incompetent, and unloving.

But she became her mother when she was separated from Peeta. She, point blank, said she lost the will to live. Even if Prim was still there, and her mother, and Gale, and the country was relying on her to get them through a revolution.

She talked about how she never understood why people stay and watch their loved ones die on the table instead of going away...she did that with Peeta at the end of the first games.

She said that if she know for sure that Peeta was dead, she would just disappear in the woods and never look back. She was also willing to abandon them.

It's slowly sinking in but it was such and important detail how, after she saw Peeta return to district 12 in the last chapter, one of the first things she did was call her mother. Process her grief with someone else, made sure she wasn't alone. Because that's probably when it all clicked for her: Peeta came back, her father could not. She suffered like her mother, but not cometely like her mother.

She said the reason why she hasn't taken her own life back at 12 was because she was waiting for something. Peeta, like he always has, was giving her hope. Her mother did not have that. Nor did she have anyone to share that grief with. No family, no friends, and her children were too young.

When Peeta came back, Katniss realized that she just went through what her mom went through but with a better ending. She understood and felt what it was like to paralyzed with grief despite people relying on you... When Peeta came back, Katniss was ready to heal. Katniss was ready to forgive, not just her mother, but also herself.

[undercoverstiles]

This right here is my favorite HG edit.

But further thoughts on it. I was walking home and the line when Katniss says “I make a list in my head of all the good things I’ve seen someone do. Every little thing I can remember,” struck me.

In the edit, the first Good Thing we see is Katniss volunteering for Prim. But I wonder if Katniss still views herself as bad. I wonder in the years that she and Peeta grew back together how long it took her to grow back to the little girl who went to the cabin by the lake with her father? How long did it take before music finally became something permanent in her house again? How long did it take for her to meet that little girl again and feel peace and not the chaos of war and death?

I like to think that Peeta wakes up one night to her whispering this list, and he realizes it’s only things others have done. So he starts to add the Good Things she’s done for others.

Just a thought.

[undercoverstiles]

[undercoverstiles]

A lot of people around me are having kids and every day it becomes more apparent that hitting your children to punish them is insane because literally everything can be a horrible punishment in their eyes if you frame it as such.

Like, one family makes their toddler sit on the stairs for three minutes when he hits his brother or whatever. The stairs are well lit and he can see his family the whole time, he’s just not allowed to get up and leave the stairs or the timer starts over. He fucking hates it just because it’s framed as a punishment.

Another family use a baseball cap. It’s just a plain blue cap with nothing on it. When their toddler needs discipline he gets a timeout on a chair and has to put the cap on. When they’re out and about he just has to wear the cap but it gets the same reaction. Nobody around them can tell he’s being punished because it’s in no way an embarrassing cap, but HE knows and just the threat of having to wear it is enough.

And there isn’t the same contempt afterwards I’ve seen with kids whose parents hit them. One time the kid swung a stick at my dog, his mother immediately made him sit on the stairs, he screamed but stayed put, then he came over to my dog and gently said “Sorry Ellie” and went back to playing like nothing happened, but this time without swinging sticks at the nearby animals.

[undercoverstiles]

Goddamn. Okay

[undercoverstiles]

My thoughts on Madame Web

SPOILERS BELOW

- Dakota Johnson is so captivating as a confused character and as I watch her break down in confusion, I am the same

- loved the story, I feel like the scenes were so well done, I really felt tension in them and it wasn’t just another boring fight scene but was actually quite clever.

- unlike The Marvels which had a lot of potential to resolve their character arcs but failed to deliver in a satisfying way, this one really hit all the points. Every scene hit in terms of giving consequences which then taught the characters to not do the same thing.

- that resolution scene and making peace with her past WAS SO WELL DONE. I was in tears and I was like, how am I seeing bad reviews for this film???

- I saw bad reviews for this film before I went in so I totally went in feeling ok to go to the bathroom during the movie. Nup held it in because it was THAT good

- ok the dialogue was REALLY BAD and soooo camp. There are some good one liners which made it more authentic, and the actors do their best, but the dialogue was quite cringe a lot of the time

- there was some twilight sequences which was hilarious

- the villain could have been more interesting? Didn’t have a motive - and he acted like he was from another movie, the aura of him didn’t fit the movie he was in (especially compared to how everyone else was)

- the three teenage girls were so good, they were fleshed out but also DIFFERENT, and when they worked on their teamwork at the end it was amazing

- I really hope there is a sequel but I know it’s unlikely given how much people don’t like this movie

[undercoverstiles]

As I get older I’m starting to let go of the guilty urge to build permanent habits. Like, a while ago I decided I would start jumping rope every day. I did it for like three weeks and felt good about it. Then I got bored, because of course I did, because I’m a human person. So now I do a bit of kickboxing because that’s what I like now. The other week I cut all sugar from my diet, just for a week, to challenge myself. Now I’m back to eating sweets but I don’t crave them as much.

Growth is about stretching, trying new things, and setting small, realistic goals for yourself, not picking a “good habit” you’ve decided you will be doing always and forever from now on. That’s not discipline. That’s pointless self-torture and unhealthy resistance to change.

What’s good for you today will not necessarily be what’s good for you tomorrow.

[undercoverstiles]

one of the many things to love about katniss is that she's not spiteful, or revenge minded, no matter how many reasons society and her circumstances give her to be, and always has empathy for others.

and this extends to people she doesn't have much emotional connection to. for as much as she regarded the careers as the capitol's well trained lapdogs, she killed cato out of mercy rather than revenge. she acknowledged that cato and clove could have survived if her and peeta hadn't, that someone like marvel who murdered her ally (a twelve year old, the most innocent and vulnerable person in the arena and who katniss saw as a sister) might have had a life to go back to, a home with family members waiting for his return. she felt guilty during her interactions with gloss and cashmere because she killed children from their district that they might have mentored. katniss explicitly said she did not like enobaria as a person, but didn't want to exclude her from the protection deal with coin.

katniss also has a kind view of people that, as cinna himself said, she should have despised. the capitol citizens are vapid and privileged and watch children like her die for their entertainment every year. yet katniss still forges a relationship with cinna and is able to be vulnerable and share her private stories and treasured memories with him acting as the capitol audience. and while she sees her prep team as ignorant and childish pets, she does have affection for them and objected to them being tortured in district thirteen. even though effie literally comes to her district representing the most evil aspect of the capitol and every year sends two children from her home to die, katniss still sees her redeeming characteristics, bonds with effie, and makes an effort to spare her from the rebels.

no matter who the person is or what they might have done to her/her loved ones, katniss recognizes humanity in everyone and attempts to limit the suffering of others when possible, regardless of her personal opinion about them.

[undercoverstiles]

OBSESSED with the fact that buttons got so popular in England during the 13th century that they had to pass laws limiting how many buttons you were allowed to put on a garment. They really had to bring in the government to shut down the button mania. Buttons are the sexiest clothing fastener.

[undercoverstiles]

In their defence, a lot of it is sand.

[undercoverstiles]

it is no surprise that debt and owing are strong themes throughout the hunger games series. katniss "hates owing people" (thg, 32). because, for katniss and the rest of the people in the seam, relationships are transactional. 

when katniss first meets gale, their entire relationship becomes transactional as katniss offers him "a bow if he had something to trade" (thg, 111). knowledge and goods do not come freely in the seam, and everything must be met with a trade, even relationships. 

so, owing suggests a debt that will have to be repaid, something that can constantly loom over a person who is already pressed to use all of their resources for their immediate needs. this uncomfort with debt is not limited to district 12, but spans across the entire country. this is made clear when thresh spares katniss because of the love and protection she gave rue, making it so that they were "even then. no more owed" (thg, 288). 

it is even ingrained into the rhetoric about the games. the games are put in place because of what the districts "owe the capitol" because of the rebellion (thg, 42). the games are meant (at least in concept) to be an indemnity, a repayment.

so it is not a coincidence that our favorite boy with the bread doesn't live that way. katniss doesn't expect peeta to understand the disdain the people have for debt because he has "always had enough" (thg, 292). and, despite peeta getting annoyed that she thinks he's "too dim to get it," he doesn't get it (thg, 292).

for peeta, he doesn't get why thresh would spare katniss just to get even. and he especially doesn't understand why katniss owes him for the bread. because he gave katniss the bread without any expectation that katniss needs to do anything for him. because he did it because he cared about her, not because of what she could do for him in return. 

and i think that it is interesting that, in the second book, peeta tries to persuade haymitch to save katniss using the rhetoric of debt. 

and i can totally imagine how it must go on in his head. that he remembers how katniss mentioned that people from the seam hate feeling indebted to others. so, he is going to use this against haymitch to get what he wants (cf, 49). and the funny thing is that peeta still shows that he doesn't get it.  he still doesn't understand how these transactions are supposed to work. because he doesn't use haymitch's debt to benefit himself. rather, he invokes haymitch's debt to him to perform another selfless action (cf, 50). to save the girl he loves. and leave it to peeta to take a transactional relationship and still center it around his unconditional love.

and that is what makes peeta's second invocation of debt so heartbreaking. in mockingjay, when hijacked! peeta considers finnick saving his life, he says that it didn't count because it was "for her" and that he didn't owe him anything (mj, 208). this is just another way that hijacked! peeta seems to have changed who peeta was. peeta no longer considers acts that protect and care for katniss as good enough to justify his indebtedness (and that is pretty constant throughout katniss and peeta's feelings about each other).

 so yeah, he finally gets it. he gets how debt is supposed to repayed and how relationships are supposed to be transactional, and it destroys katniss (mj, 208).

but that is what makes peeta's return with the primroses even more precious. because he "went to the woods [that] morning and dug these up. for her" (mj, 325). he did it for prim. for a dead girl who couldn't possibly repay him. because she needs to be remembered in a world that refused to acknowledge her. a world that thought she was disposable. and it signals that katniss's peeta has returned. and now, he understands how debt is supposed to work, but he doesn't invoke it. he does not subscribe to a system centered on transactional relationships.

because, although snow tried so hard to convince him of it, that is not who peeta is. he loves unconditionally. he memorializes children that were deemed disposable. he refuses to forget. and that is why katniss loved him from the start.

[undercoverstiles]

My mom accidentally joined a grieving support group (long story, she's not grieving tho) and she's missing it this week while visiting me and she's VERY concerned that Lorraine, who very kindly offered to bring a baked good like mom usually would, will NOT bring the correct kind of dessert, she says citrus tarts aren't "griefy" enough

[undercoverstiles]

I have just learned that Mountain Goats are NOT, in fact, actual Goats.

[undercoverstiles]

the thing is like. i get that it's scary and makes people who do desire to get pregnant uncomfortable when we talk about the brutality and violence of pregnancy and the damage that pregnancy can do to your body

but you deserve to give informed consent to that process.

the lies around pregnancy - that it's inherently safe, that it doesn't do you permanent damage, that it's only extremely rare for people to die of pregnancy complications, etc like

all of these are lies constructed so that more people will get pregnant w/o knowing all that

there needs to be more talk about the impact of miscarriages and how common they are, how different abortion processes are and how accessible they are

but also like. talking about how pregnancy fucks your body up should not be taboo

this is a process that permanently changes most people's bodies, and that's even if the pregnancy doesn't do them like. severe illness or injury

and i just think everybody should have a right to KNOW that

bc to live in a society that intentionally obscures and hides facts about a completely optional and dangerous process does so for a reason, and that reason is based in a very sinister ideology that does not value bodily autonomy or informed consent

[undercoverstiles]

the angel staying over at my house asked for a nightlight in their room and i told them buddy, don't you produce your own light? what're you gonna do with more? and they said they wanted to see why people like it so much. and also that the nightlight i own is blue and they're been trying to understand color. anyways i think they've stared at it for an hour now

[undercoverstiles]

I watched The Marvels tonight, and can I say I haven't had this much fun watching anything Marvel for a long time.

Spoilers ahead!

The good:

Iman Vellani single handedly breathing new life into MCU

The chemistry between our main trio

Song planet

Third act fight scene without a faceless army of drones

Cats eating people as memory plays in the background

Jokes that hit a little too hard if you are a fan girl with immigrant parents

The not so good:

My biggest complaint was that the story was set up perfectly for Monica and Kamala being parallels in their opinion of Carol. With Monica being someone who looked up to Carol a lot but is disappointed with her, and Kamala only seeing her as this hero on a pedestal who can do no wrong. The plot was also going down that direction wonderfully with the awkwardness between Monica and Carol and the scene where Carol makes the call to not save everyone like Kamala had wanted them to. Which is why I was so disappointed when we resolved this emotional beat so quickly with one conversation in a field. I needed Kamala to see Carol as not infallible, I needed Monica to understand why Carol stayed away in a confrontation, then it would have made Monica's choice in the end more poignant as she would have been doing what Carol did which is putting the duty before family. Where GoTG3 gave us tragedy porn The Marvels kinda gave us nothing.

If they hit those character beats they had set up this would have been a top contender for a top 5 MCU film.

With that said, it was still a solid project much better than some of the other ones that have come out recently. And its genuinely fun which hasn't been around in MCU for a while.

[undercoverstiles]