undertheelms

[undertheelms]

also its so weird i never know how to introduce myself nowadays LMAO. i got my whole government name that i use in a lot of contexts but then i have my casual college nickname and then i have my old/online transgender name. idk man, many choices. hard to settle on any of them. feels weird!!

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idk man. urghhjgjhghghghghghghg.

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man i actually had a really nice day and it was super healing but now i am thinking about my ex. which is not necessarily bad but it is difficult because i am lacking in evidence of all the shit that happened and i just have a horrible memory, not to mention all of this happened literally 5+ years ago, so it's. very hard. i'm having conflicting feelings about everything again but i'm moreso just struggling to remember any of the shit that even happened idk. i wish i had a written record with a timeline of events. i'm starting to think maybe i should keep a full timeline of events whenever shit happens with people LMAO. i suppose this is what a journal is for but i moreso mean. a compact list of grievances. because i cannot remember shit. and it's actually really fucking with me. same thing happens whenever i try to remember things with my other exs and other weird people that have fucked with me over the years. i'm just so forgetful or i block out everything because it's too weird to think about and i end up going "oh it wasn't bad nothing happened maybe i was too harsh" no

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tho if im being real me being employed is such a lifesaver it’s the only thing keeping me hinged rn. i like my job its the only thing keeping me busy and leaving the house so im grateful for it. even if its exhausting. it’s more exhausting to be up at midnight thinking that all my friends despise me and that im the saddest most poor little meow meow in the world

any time im not working i spend wanting to kms and any time I spend working i spend wanting to be done working

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any time im not working i spend wanting to kms and any time I spend working i spend wanting to be done working

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no one really knows me anymore and it's my fault

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i really do hate feeling this alone

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back in my Bad Coping Mechanisms era oops . that’s unfortunate

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me n june

my sadgirl sona

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every time i try and shut people out before i inevitably cave and yap to people, i feel like a little girl who's "running away from home" with a ziplock bag of like 2 snacks and a single book. like i feel like that overdramatic little girl writing a note and determined to leave so i can show everyone how much i was hurting and Make a Point before i inevitably just give up and go back to normal. but idk maybe someday i'll make an actual point. idk i just. want to see what happens. want to see if my absence is felt. or worse if its felt and enjoyed. bc it's very possible. i haven't exactly been a pleasant person to spend time with lmao. i still feel like the little girl throwing a fit and walking a single block before turning back to get dinner

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no one really knows me anymore and it's my fault

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feeling really sensitive and small again

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my sadgirl sona

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me rn i fear

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idk it’s difficult bc the change has to start with me. like truthfully nothing will get better unless i get my head out of my ass and talk to someone, or just try to reframe my mindset so im not so resentful. but it’s just so difficult when im not receiving any external feedback or indication that anyone even notices. and i think that’s probably a problem in of itself because I shouldn’t need that external feedback. it’s just so fucking hard to make a change when it feels like no matter how much worse i get ill just receive the same treatment as always. idk maybe ill just drop offline for a day or two and see what happens. which is always the start of a short and annoying spiral that never amounts to anything LMAO. but idk maybe i can just. See what happens. and then try to start fresh. idk maybe I can try to journal about it too. tomorrow I have a call with p and work and other commitments, plus I wanna do my commissions asap, but i also have the afternoon on Tuesday, so maybe i should try and just. write. come up with a game plan to fix myself. because im so fucking tired of living like this and clearly no one else is going to care or change unless i do it first

[undertheelms]

i feel like ive transformed so much this past year and i hate it. ive crushed my sentimentality, ive pushed away so many people and they haven’t even bothered to push back so it’s just become self fulfilling prophecy, im just so full of shame and rage and loneliness with none of the same love or sentiment and it’s so fucking miserable. im tired of even being around myself because im a loser with no friends who’s an asshole to everyone and i have no room in my heart for anything nice anymore. like get a load of this guy jesus christ

me when i am once again miserable and resentful. like where do we even go from here. i kinda hate everyone right now but it feels awfu. except i feel so awful that i hate everyone more. am i just gonna be like this forever from now on because im so tired but i dont see any way out

[undertheelms]

im just so exhausted for no reason and im so tired of being miserable. im so tired and overwhelmed while also feeling so bored and lonely and continuing to push away everyone because im mad at them for no reason. and i dont even see any good ways to make new friends rn. just so tired. in a million ways