undonedigital-blog

[undonedigital-blog]

what do I do with it?

[undonedigital-blog]

I wish this was true. Maybe it will be. Someday. I the far future.

[undonedigital-blog]

I wish

I wish that I could tell my mom about me and Yoan. Ask her what she thinks and listen to her advice. I couldn’t do that though because she would shut me down before I even got started. I hate her for that. I hate her for making me hate her. I wished that she stood next to me earlier at the clinic. The doctor was trying to make me change my mind about the abortion. Obviously, I know what I want and I was there for a reason. I couldn’t get the abortion right away, but they gave me pills. But for a split second, I wished that you knew everything about me from this baby to Yoan and everything in between. I wished that you told me more too. I wish that screaming matches aren’t our only interactions. Maybe this baby is a blessing and I shouldn’t get rid of it. It could make us closer... or it can fuel this increasing resentment between us. I wish that you would take care of me before anyone else in this neighborhood. I want to be your daughter. But I don’t. I don’t know what I want and I need you to help me figure it out. I’m only 16 for crying out loud and even though I may act like I know everything and that I don’t need you... it has only gotten this way because you were never there for me in the first place. And you still aren’t there and it makes me think that you don’t want me. Like I should go jump of the next bridge I cross. Is that what you wish? Because I hope it isn’t. I wish that this has all been a dream and that when I go home you are waiting for me with open arms and a home cooked meal. I wish that you listen to me talk about this clinic visit and I wish you welcome it with warm eyes and a gentle smile. 

[undonedigital-blog]

Still dreaming.

[undonedigital-blog]

The alleyway that separates my bed and Yoan’s every night.

[undonedigital-blog]

I could not tell you if I loved you the first moment I saw you, or if it was the second or third or fourth. But I remember the first moment I looked at you walking toward me and realized that somehow the rest of the world seemed to vanish when I was with you.

Cassandra Clare

[undonedigital-blog]

Maybe this could be me one day. LOL who am I kidding? Even if I keep the baby, the three of us could never be this cute

[undonedigital-blog]

I just wanna close my eyes and when I open them... have all the answers and know what the fuck to do with my life.

[undonedigital-blog]

I can look down and see hell, and I can look up and see sky, and I can look across and see your window and wish you'd open it 'cause I'd step into the air and stick there like fuckin Wily E. Coyote and pull you out and we'd run up our staircase of air and just leave for awake. Forever maybe.

Yoan

[undonedigital-blog]

Is it love?

I can’t fucking stand him half the time. I can’ imagine him stepping up to the plate and being a REAL man and a father. I wish that he didn’t yell for me up and down the street. I hope he doesn’t wait outside my door for hours to make sure I come home safe. I pray that he stops leaving hours of messages on my phone (that my mom checks). I can’t imagine us together. 

But I can’t imagine life without him. He drives me so crazy half the time especially with this baby and all. But it’s comforting to know that there’s someone out there who cares. Apparently he really gives off the love vibe since everyone in the neighborhood thinks we are dating... which I guess we are... sort of.... maybe. They call him my boyfriend and it gets on my nerves, but I think it’s because I’m more afraid of my mom finding out that I’ve been with him and not taking it all too well. I want to be with him. There I said it. But right now just isn’t the right time. I don’t know when the right time will be, but I believe the time will come and when it does I will know. Until then... gotta keep playing hard to get.

Also... I still have no fucking idea what to do with this baby.

[undonedigital-blog]

I don’t know where this is headed and I’m scared.

[undonedigital-blog]

http://www.ourfamilyworld.com/2011/09/13/16-and-pregnant-how-to-tell-your-parents/ helpful advice... as if I’d ever tell my mom intentionally

[undonedigital-blog]

Drowning in the darkness of my dreams, relationship, neighborhood, & life.

[undonedigital-blog]

Strange

I’m laying on my back, close near sleep, and it begins. It floods my senses. I can’t... I can’t... the water engulfs me. It won’t go away. I can’t make a noise because it’s in my nose, mouth, ears, lungs, everywhere. I scream, but I gurgle water instead. An endless stream flowing into my body, but not coming out. It fills me until I am nothing but water. I begin to drift as if I am floating on a bed of clouds. The clouds disappear and I drop down to Earth.

Just then, I sat straight up in my bed, damp with sweat. What a strange dream that was. I don’t think I’ve ever had one that vivid. It can’t be this baby... Right? Babies don’t make you have realistic dreams. I think... I can’t be sure. I’ll see if there is any information online or if they have pamphlets of this at the clinic. It almost didn’t even seem like a dream though. It seemed to be much more like a memory, yet I have never been near a large body of water in my life. But it didn’t feel as if it was done by me... there was definitely someone forcing me into water or, rather, forcing water into me. I can’t tell anyone about this. They will think I am CRAZY and tell my mother. Her knowing that I have dreams like this is the last thing I need. It will probably end with screaming and the throwing of furniture just like always and that is NOT what I need right now. But, if she throws something at me... maybe it would get rid of this baby... but I still don’t know whether or not I want that to happen. I still don’t know how I feel about Yoan. Some would say I’m just scared, but I am most definitely not scared of something like love or something as stupid as a baby or even my crazy-ass mother. Yoan and mom are both on my shit list right now and I don’t know when or if they will ever be crossed off. I think it would be smart for me to sleep so I prevent making any noise my mom is so pissed off about. She went bat shit crazy earlier because of my “making noise” late at night. But I showed her who she was messing with... ha. 

[undonedigital-blog]

Tongues have wings.

Me

[undonedigital-blog]

I walk back home every night and once I hit 116th Street and Lexington Ave I begin to prepare myself.