unfilterednth

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Niemand urteilt schärfer als der Ungebildete. Er kennt weder Gründe noch Gegengründe und glaubt sich immer im Recht.

No one judges more harshly than the uneducated. They know neither reasons nor counter-reasons and always believe they are right.

Ludwig Feuerbach (1804 – 1872), German philosopher and anthropologist

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“I’m almost never serious, and I’m always too serious. Too deep, too shallow. Too sensitive, too cold hearted. I’m like a collection of paradoxes.”

— Ferdinand de Saussure

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“Do yourself a favor and learn how to walk away. When a connection starts to fade, learn how to let it go. When a person starts to mistreat you, learn how to move on … to something and someone better. Don’t waste your energy trying to force something that isn’t meant to be.”

— Reyna Biddy

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“You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering.”

— Ernest Hemingway

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“To love a person is to see all of their magic, and to remind them of it when they have forgotten.”

— Unknown

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May 17, 2025

Today I went back to my old ways again, even after months of saying that I will change. I hurt a potential friend because of my fear, lack of accountability, desperate need of validation from them, and shame.

I feel shameful for hurting them because I couldn't accept and admit that I did them wrong. And I ended the contact because I am afraid of them seeing that I did wrong and I feel inadequate when I admit I made a mistake. Plus the lack of communication that I need space to process what they said, because it overwhelmed me. I became so clouded that I didn't see that they are also hurt by what I did. I had the choice of doing the right thing, and yet I still went on flight mode.

This reminds me of a friendship that I had many years ago. It also ended like this. Though, that one was most painful, because we were friends for 5 years. I realized that I was not over the hurt that I got there, and I didn't learn, because I repeated the same mistake again.

My new potential friend is now gone, and I am left to feel of hurt, but a lot of realizations. That I have to work on my issues and be proactive in making the same mistake again. I wrote this here to remind myself to be kind on this process, that there will be times that I'll fail again. I am not a bad friend. I mess up, but I can make it better. And it's okay to fall again, just remember to come back up and continue the work again.

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May 1, 2025

First of May. The sun was beaming so much up on the blue, clear sky. It's been so long since I have just stayed still and just enjoy the view of summer: how hot the sun rays touching every surface, the warm breeze, and the colors of the surrounding amplified. I think the last time I enjoyed the view outside as it is is when I'm still a child. I remembered following along the shadows of the power lines on the ground, as if I was on an adventure. I realized I have missed this side of me. I didn't have the time to appreciate everything around me as it is, and just enjoy it.

I just sit near my window, enjoying how peaceful the noon is. I'm letting this version of mini-me be herself today.

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April 19, 2024

I turned 27 years old Wednesday, April 16. Instead of having a celebration, I just spent my birthday reminiscing to what I have come so far. 27 years of living on Earth. A lot have already happened. I wonder if I have ever learned anything from the 27 years of living here. I did, but I am not sure if I am applying what I learned to my life.

I am not where I'd imagine myself at 27 will be. I don't have a full-time job, still living with my family, broke with little to no savings, and now single. There's part of me that want to cry because I feel like a failure. 3 years to go, and my 20s is over, but I feel like I have wasted it so far. I'm just floating by the currents, with nowhere to go and no purpose. But looking back to what I have done, at least I have accomplished something, they are just not grand. These keep me grounded, thankful, and hopeful to still keep swimming in the abyss of waves, and to hopefully find a compass to know where I'll be going, or even to find a lighthouse to finally find my destination.

My wish is that hopefully this will be a year for me, especially career-wise and self-discovery. I have sacrificed a lot, and hopefully it will pay of. With love, after heartbreaks, I just hope that I'll finally have the courage to pour more love to myself instead, and to keep my promises to myself. This will be the year where I'll start to give myself the love that I deserve, and to not find it with anybody else. I pray to God that He will lead me to my soul purpose that he destined me to have, even if it will be a life lived without the love of my life.

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“There’s a difference between loving the idea of someone and loving the person they really are.”

— Unknown

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Feb 12, 2025

I'm starting to get confused. I love him for who he is, and yet I still have this reservations and doubts about his love for me and his intentions, no matter how often he say it to me. And this spiral of confusion leads me on this rabbit hole of confusing my feelings for him even further. Is this my intuition warning me? Or is it just my anxiety kicking in? Long-distance relationship really is hard.