unhinged247

[unhinged247]

Strength; as always, is something I thought I am always abundant on. I've stepped my foot forward countless times even when everyone is holding me back. I just believed and believed listening to the voices instead in my head.

My head is not the best place to be, but somehow it's comforting. It feels like a dim-lit room where having coffee- hot or cold, is enough to get me by. I work nonstop in my head wherein my thoughts are always the fuel to my ambitions. I try not to overthink things but I just accepted that I'm not wired that way. I'm always meant to think, no matter how optimistic or depressing, I'm just always meant to think.

I like to believe that my head makes me strong. It reminds me of why I have to live, of why survival is vital, of why strength is necessary. This place distracts me of all feelings and emotions and it shuts me down when my heart is antagonizing me again. My heart. My heart makes me weak.

Weakness is not supposed to be the option for my worries, but I can't take off my heart from my chest unless I actually die. As long as I'm living, I'll continue to hurt. I hate feeling. I hate feelings. When I encounter something foreign in my head, it tags it immediately as a sign of weakness. I'll never be able to put my guard down after everything I've been through. My heart has had enough.

I'm not really that strong, I just refuse to be weak. When everything's said and done, I know I'll curl up again in my head feeding myself again with thoughts of "I deserve this," and "You'll get through this,"

Thinking it's a sign of strength to dismiss my feelings is sick. But I can't have it any other way. This is better. I just want to be alone forever.

[unhinged247]

I think more than I act that time is lost before I could speak there's nothing else to defend when my all thoughts are hidden and weak

"Quiet, calm and composed" is how others would describe me to be self-control is just a part of the secret but this control can never set me free

I truly do care about what's happening around even if it seems like I kinda don't at all I've gotten used to blending in with the crowd Especially when life has already made me feel so very small

Difficult days are here to stay but my journal holds more than what I wear on my sleeve my heart is there, always with me yet it's not enough for me to express the sorrow that I grieve

It feels endless inside my mind when it's like a prison of my emotions that I always deny happy, sad or angry? oh I can only feel to truly express them will only make me the bad guy

To be fake to myself is being real to others because then they wouldn't hurt from what I hate Pretending is an art that I've always perfected as an artist who is always ready to detonate

Self-destructive to everything I am all these thoughts going around are too much in my head maybe put me on gunpoint so I could speak perhaps that would make me fear of wanting to be dead

[unhinged247]

The rain has been falling nonstop since I don’t remember when; as if it also follows my dreadful mind of not seeing things clearly anymore ahead. Stuck in a loop I don’t know how to get out of, my improvement has been stagnant and disappointing everyone around me everywhere I go. My smile was a ray of sunshine that I used to admire, but when I look at it now my smile looks like someone who is ready to die anytime just to finally be at eternal peace.

A hypocrite I am, for wanting perfection yet is created by mistakes. They say mistakes build character but mine is just not building upwards at all. I don’t know when’s the last time somebody has told me “You’ve finally changed for the better”, when all I hear is that “You’ve changed. There’s nothing better.” Then I wonder if it’s all a waste trying to water myself so I could grow when I’m already losing sight of who I’m growing for. I hate myself most of all so why should I care about my well-being whether I am going to be for the worse or the better? The world will go on no matter who they lose or who will remain. I’m not a part of anything great for me to choose on where I should stay.

Existence is a pain. Living through each day is excruciating. It’s like I’m repenting for sins that I never made but was only called out for because I’m the weakest one they could blame. I try to take it all if it could ease their spite, besides I’m already numb this is not even another weight on my mind. All I just worry about is how long I could handle these because I don’t care anymore if I break. If I lose my mind, then that’s the end of me. At least I did all I can even if this is just all I am.

To loathe myself is the best thing I could do. Hate from others is something I’m already immune to. Love me or not, I don’t think I can care any less. Love will still eventually turn into hate… and that is just how the cycle will run until I’ve finally reached the end.

[unhinged247]

A few more days left before I do a hard reset. This school year has been a memorable ride, but I’m not the type who would stay around for something as childish as this. At the very beginning, I know already that these people are not my people; and we differ a lot, starting from our age. You can’t really expect me, someone who’s turning 23, to mingle with 19 year olds or who just freshly turned 20. I’ve already grown way too far to be able to relate to their silly minds of taking life slow and easy- because I’ve already seen that life isn’t like that, at least not anymore. 

Maybe I’m just bitter. These days I’ve told myself that I’m losing my youth, that maybe I’m just missing who I used to be. But I also know that I’m just doing my best too, like the rest of my blockmates in this college journey. It just feels more challenging for me, to think that I’m still here worrying about my future because everything is getting nearer for me. I should have already been far beyond. And if I am, then maybe I won’t have to worry about these children anymore. 

[unhinged247]

I’m always frustrated by all the things I could have been more. 

I know there’s no such thing as perfection, and every effort seems futile for me to achieve a satisfaction that would last me forever; but how could I not try? How could I sleep at night knowing that I’m capable of everything that not everyone would even stand up for? I’m full of the words I say and I never choke from them. I’m proud just like that and I’ll never be ashamed of it. 

But there’s still something missing. I don’t know what it is. Everyday I’m on the lookout for what would push me to the edge because I know I’m already there. I know I’m already standing on thin ice and I’m getting nearer... warmer... closer... and I’ll already be there. 

I’m on the verge of everything that I’m ready to fall under. Yet I’m still doubting myself if the fall will free me or kill me. I don’t know which I need more right now to be honest, but, I’m sure of one thing though. 

I’m still scared of everything that lies beyond me. 

[unhinged247]

“I was able to finish everything in time, and that was more than enough for me. But I felt like I lacked something, a hole was existing in my heart. I've memorized all that I can, I analyzed the complicated problems, and I prepared everything; all the way from the reviewers to this first day of exams. 

But it was nothing special to me. 

The exams didn't matter, the effort to strive didn't matter; I've come to the void of nothing and hopelessness. If I can fail myself, how come not the exams? I feel so sad in every way possible yet nobody knows a thing about it. I feel so sad because I just wanted to feel love, even just a tiny bit of it. 

And.. if love is too much to ask for, then I shouldn't just ask for anything at all.”

12/19/2017

[unhinged247]

You used to cry so silently, to the point that I think it was too cute for me to bear. When you told me to remember it six years from now, I wonder what it was that you wanted me to feel. Was it pity? 

“You wished you’d escaped it.” 

I guess I never did. Are you proud of me now? 

[unhinged247]

I think I have always lived in a broken home. 

Homes. Houses. Whatever. 

It doesn’t really have to be a place to be called a home, but it also can be. I don’t really know. What defines such sanctuary anyway? When you feel safe and sound? When there is love around? Or when there is just nowhere to go because you are trapped in a lifetime membership of a life you never even signed up for? 

Everything’s a mess. I’m not happy here. My mind feels the most cluttered whenever I stay, yet it also feels so familiar and nostalgic because I’ve always been here. 

Am I just holding on because I have no other choice? 

I’m almost 23 and time is running faster for me more than usual. I see my friends and I see them having the most perfect lives. Deep inside I know it’s nothing like that, and they have their problems too but dang, I just wished I could be anywhere but here. 

Why was I born? 

Why did I have to be broken too in this broken world? 

I never asked so I should have never received,

yet it feels like I have everything... everything I never wanted to have and more.

[unhinged247]

There’s always a first time for everything and this is one of it. 

Some of our firsts can be scary yet it can also turn out to be exciting and leave a mark. It doesn’t have to be fun for it to be remembered, and it also doesn’t have to be in pain for it to be feared. 

But I was unaware of the consequences of my firsts. They all defined who I am and I don’t know if it fell under scary or exciting for me. 

I always told myself that I’m willing to try everything at least once in my life, and if I like it then I will do it again. 

And again. 

Over and over again. 

I guess my firsts will forever be a first for me. Even though it keeps happening, I’ll always pretend it happened to me for the first time. Even though there was already a scar, I’ll still think that I’ve never been hurt before. And even though I already felt it time and time again, 

I will remain oblivious to it just so I can relive what I felt; to keep it in my heart forever, because I am a slave to every experience that would come in my life. 

If I cannot feel, then I am nothing-

So, I’d rather take the pain and let that define what I’m made of.