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is high jump kicking peoples dogs punk

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Sure, I let the kids in my preschool smoke crack. I know it's not good for them, which is why me and my educational assistant Hustle 4 work very hard to measure a precise dose to their body weights.

Despite what my attorneys say, I feel the need to explain myself to you regardless. When you signed up for a semester of instruction at Wide Experiences Junior Adventurers Preschool, you signed up to have your child challenged to exceed the meagre expectations that society has placed on three- to five-year-olds. With my instruction, they have learned finger painting. They have learned the alphabet. And, yes, they have learned to clean their own crackpipes and put them away at the end of a session. 

Need I remind you of our discipline philosophy? We are not the kind of preschool who shies away from teaching your children to take risks, and deal with the consequences. Already, many of the children have sworn off crack altogether, which is what's right for them. They respect the lifestyle choices of the other students, who often decide to take an elephant-sized hit right before nap time, and be zonked out the entire time. This is what is needed now to make the leaders of tomorrow.

Thank you for reading this email. If you have not done so yet, please sign up for the June bake sale. All proceeds go to fund instructor supplies, such as dry-erase markers, learning manipulatives, and the significant quantities of crack cocaine that some children are Bogarting.

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Since I'm therapist-posting recently:

Legitimately self-compassion is the biggest mental health life hack of all time. I'm NOT talking about self-esteem. You do NOT have to like yourself one bit. You don't have to believe that you're a good person who deserves good things. You just have to believe that you're a person who deserves the things all people deserve.

You can't get from "I'm the Worst" to "I'm a worthy and lovable person" without passing through "I'm just a regular fuckup like everybody else."

Try it on. If you're really addicted to being mean to yourself, you can start by framing it as I'm Not Special. Embrace being a regular fuckup like everybody else.

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the long mouse is approaching you

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I drawed a unicorn today. Inspired by fallow deer, the most beautiful of all deer.

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Fuck you, City of Ur!

If you're dumb enough to buy a cartload of copper this weekend, you're a big enough schmuck to come to Ea-Nasir's Imported Metals!

Bad deals! Low grade copper! Thieves!

If you think you're gonna find a bargain at Ea-Nasir's, you can kiss my ass!

It's our belief that you're such a stupid motherfucker you'll fall for this bullshit! Guaranteed!

If you find a better deal, shove it up your ugly ass! You heard us right, shove it up your ugly ass!

Bring your deposit, bring your sealed tablet, bring your messenger! We'll send him back!

That's right, we'll send your messenger back through enemy territory!Because at Ea-Nasir's, you're fucked six ways from Sunday!

Take a hike to Ea-Nasir's, home of challenge pissing! That's right, challenge pissing!

How does it work? If you can piss six feet in the air straight up and not get wet, you get no down payment!

Don't wait, don't delay, don't fuck with us, or we'll turn you into a eunuch!

Only at Ea-Nasir's, the only merchant that tells you to fuck off!

Hurry up, asshole! This event ends the minute after you make a donation to the palace, and it better not bounce or you're a dead motherfucker!

Go to hell! Ea-Nasir's Metals: Sumer's filthiest, and exclusive home of the meanest sons of bitches in Mesopotamia! Guaranteed!

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The tragedy of my life is that I keep acquiring and displaying fetish art and having to be corrected by my friends.

Most recently, a friend came over my house and saw my computer background and went, "Wow, um, I didn't know you were into that." To which I look at the picture of the well drawn muscular female minotaur in historically accurate Greek clothing and I start geeking out about how I love the detail the artist did with the clothing and I point out the period appropriate folds and pins, how the artist even inserted the native plant that was used to dye the clothing this particular shade in the background, and even how the belt has technology AND historically accurate weaving patterns on it.

Then I start explaining how I love the muscular choices of the minotaur, that I was so impressed with the artist's anatomically correct depiction of the muscles converging into the neck. That many people get an upright cow's neck wrong because cow's don't have collarbones, so it can be very difficult to merge the upper arms and a chest of a human with a cow's body. I draw her attention to the beautiful way they've merged the pectoralis major so smoothly while also staying true to how muscular they've depicted the rest of the body.

I finish up with my thoughts on the artist's bold choice to depict the minotaur as a female, and despite the underlying themes of a minotaur being violence, child murder, strength, and muscles. I segue into how unlike bulls, cow are perceived as mothers. That they are the major source of milk in human culture, and that idyllic depictions of them in a field usually depict calves frolicking nearby, yet the minotaur kills and eats children.

I finish and there is a long pause.

"Urban, this is fetish art." and she takes me to the artist's twitter and god dammit it's fetish art, not a bold statement on cultural perceptions of women and violence throughout history. I have been tricked again.

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Nozomi Tanaka - To Know the Day, 2017 - Panel with Gofun Gesso, Suihi pigment, sumi ink, and metal leaf

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Yo mr white a romulan warbird just decloaked off the port bow

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"to get treatment for adhd you (person with untreated adhd) need to schedule and then show up for several appointments" is the kind of shit the greek gods would inflict on a guy who ate his son

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imagine being a Korean person awake at like one in the morning trying to accept that the president of South Korea actually just tried to go full dictatorship by way of an emergency martial law because he was basically having a political temper tantrum and every agency and corporation in the country is all hands on deck, code red mode on everything and the military is being deployed and then the assembly revokes the martial law and then the president is like lol nevermind and now you have to get ready to work at your shitty job on a Wednesday

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Harrison Wood Hsiang

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me every day without fail: I'll do [chore] when I get home

me when I get home:

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4000cc breast implants :)

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Feeling funny today