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well other than that mrs. kennedy how was the drive

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whip cream

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the clock & calculator apps are like twin sisters to me

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rolled my birth certificate in a blunt and smoked it i dont have human rights anymore

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just thinking about them......

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don’t worry, you’re still in the “early life” part of your wikipedia page

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I wonder if, even with the length of his career in Hollywood, Jim Carrey remembers this scene. How hot the lights were. How long it took to put his makeup on. How many takes they had to shoot. How the food they’re feeding him is at best a flavorless mash of food coloring and oats and at worst a semi-sweet mixture some soulless prop artist had to create in batches, completely devoid of consideration for the human palate that grew warm under the hot lights. I remember, when I was a kid, I was watching an episode of Ned Bigby’s School Survival Guide that featured a large pepperoni pizza. In the footage they aired, however, you could clearly tell the bottom half of the pizza was cardboard but the top half was real cheese, sauce and meat. It always struck me as odd that they went through the effort of constructing a simulacrum of a pizza instead of simply ordering one. It didn’t even achieve the goal of looking like a pizza on-camera.

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gently pressing your head against your lover’s back while they cut vegetables, your lover sitting on the kitchen counter while you talk about your day at work and wait for the water to boil, giving them little pecks while they stir the vegetables, eating the food together, washing the dishes together… you know what i mean

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Me: waiting for any form of public transport

Rain: starts

Some deep dark part of my brain that never forgot the first night vale episode: 👀🕐🚌🌧🌧🕐🕐🚌🌧

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THEFT

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someone else: *makes a mistake*

me: don't worry buddy! it is not a big deal! we can fix this! we'll figure it out!!

me: *makes a mistake*

me: i am irredeemable worthless garbage and i want to die

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hey quick question why did no one ever tell me how fucking insane M*A*S*H is?? their commanding officer is a horse girl. the secretary has psychic powers. this guy walks around a 1950s military outpost in drag and everyone’s just like hey nice dress. the protagonist who is supposed to be the best surgeon in the entire korean war spends every episode strutting around drunk in a hawaiian shirt making homoerotic wisecracks and asking the nurses to step on him like some sort of unhinged bisexual jimmy buffet. guys what the hell is going on in this army doctor show