unicornofhell - Tumblr blog

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Plastic surgeons are real life photoshoppers.

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German Jokes Gothic

You are old. You take a walk in the park with your grandson Fritzchen, whom you constantly tell not to pick up stuff that has been lying on the ground. You slip on a banana peel. “Help me up”, you ask the boy. The wind rustles through dry leaves. Fritzchen’s eyes are cold. “I must not pick up stuff that has been lying on the ground”, he says. You are never getting up again.

You are in East Frisia. You cannot understand what people are saying. Come December, they leave their houses through the windows. They throw pepper on their TV screens. You do not ask why. The more you understand, the more you lose your sanity.

Everyone you meet exclaims “Shark!” Frightened, you ask them: “Where? Where?” You never get an answer. They roll their eyes and walk past you. There is a shark, and you don’t know where it is. It might be right behind you.

There is a rabbit at the bakery, every day. It has a strong lisp. It asks the baker if he has coffee, or carrots. He says no. The baker never has coffee or carrots. The rabbit returns, every day, every day…

You must choose. If you choose A, you are doomed. If you choose B, you must choose again. There is no escape.

Your mother. What about her? You do not know. Everyone else seems to know. There is something about your mother.

You’re drunk. You have been drinking all night. Goethe is still ahead of you. You see him in the distance, laughing at you, then turning and walking away. Desperate, you open another bottle of beer. It doesn’t matter. You will never be as drunk as Goethe.

There is a parrot. It hears everything you say. You do not know what it says to other people but things are never the same afterwards. You slip in the shower and break your neck. The parrot mocks you mercilessly. It is always the parrot.

[unicornofhell]

Geh Medizinstudium abbrechen und innenausstatter werden

#interior design uwu Fuck my life I have like probably eight a3 posters to hang up as well but w h e r e

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if you're having a bad day

just remember that I, a registered nurse with a bachelors degree, accidentally glued a patient’s foreskin shut over his penis and had to call a urology doctor to come help me get it to retract

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Some more interesting captions I ran into in this amazing ensemble today.

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SPN Parallels: Winsync Head Turns

[unicornofhell]

why to drink more water

literally makes your skin glow and improves your body’s health

eliminates your dark circles (seriously)

helps diminish cellulite and lose weight

tones your skin and makes it the same color all around

helps clear up your acne and skin

lubricates the joints and makes you more flexible

makes your lips fuller (since you’re staying hydrated)

helps with headaches and digestion

drinking a lot of water also helps prevent cancer 

improves your ability to concentrate and cognitive performance

keeps you energetic and alert

makes your skin have more elasticity, along with dewier and plumper

drinking lot of water when you have the flu will help cure you 

makes you overall feel healthier and improves your mood

tl;dr drink 6 water bottles a day if you want to look and feel better! [x] [x] [x]

[unicornofhell]

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wait for the end ohmygawd

[unicornofhell]

i got tagged by @theowletqueen and i don’t think i’ve ever done one of these tag games before cause i’m lazy

Rules: Answer all questions, add one question of your own and tag as many people as there are questions.

1. Coke or Pepsi: coke

2. Disney or Dreamworks: i have no idea

3. Coffee or Tea: neither. hot chocolate is fine

4. Books or Movies: books but i like movies too 

5. Windows or Mac: mac. i don’t know how to use windows

6. DC or Marvel: marvel

7. Xbox or Playstation: neither

8. Dragon Age or Mass Effect: what

9. Night Owl or Early Rise: depends on the day but mostly night owl

10. Cards or Chess: i don’t really know how to play either but cards

11. Chocolate or Vanilla: chocolate

12. Vans or Converse: converse cause idk if my feet fit in vans

13. Lavellan, Trevelyan, Cadash or Adaar: ???

14. Fluff or Angst: both

15. Beach or Forest: foreeeeeeest

16. Dogs or Cats: i love both

17. Clear Skies or Rain: clear skies when i’m outside, rain when i’m inside

18. Cooking or Eating Out: cooking cause i don’t have to deal with too many vegetables or other food i don’t like then

19. Spicy Food or Mild Food: not too spicy

20. Halloween/Samhain or Solstice/Yule/Christmas: christmas 

21. Would you rather forever be a little too cold or a little too hot: neither cause i might change my mind after a while

22. If you could have a superpower, what would it be? being able to learn anything in 3 days

23. Animation or Live Action: live action

24. Paragon or Renegade: i have no idea what that is

25. Baths or Showers: showers, baths are annoying

26. Team Cap or Team Iron Man: team cap

27. Fantasy or Sci-Fi: fantasy, sci-fi confuses me i think

28. Do you have three or four favourite quotes? probably but i can’t think of any atm

29. YouTube or Netflix: youtube, i don’t have netflix

30. Harry Potter or Percy Jackson: Harry Potter, Percy jackson is nice tho

31. When You Feel Accomplished: hardly ever 

32. Star Wars or Star Trek: star trek. 

33. Paperback Books or Hardback Books: hardback cause they make a crunchy noise when you open them

34. Handwriting or Typing: handwriting cause i’m not good at typing

35. Velvet or Satin: satin cause it’s written similar to satan

36. Video Games or Movies: movies

37. Would you rather be the dragon or own the dragon? own the dragon

38. Sunrise or sunset: sunrise

39. What’s your favourite song? there is no such thing as one favorite song, i like many songs but if i had to name one without thinking it would be “surrender” by Billy Talent

40. Horror Movies yes or no: yes but only if there are people around me

41. Long hair or short hair: both

42. Opera or Theatre: theatre although some operas are ok

43: Assuming the multiverse theory is true and every story ever told has really happened somewhere, which one of the movie/book/tv show/game/etc worlds would you pick to travel to first? star trek :)

44: Are you scared of thunderstorms? Why? yes, cause i’m scared of loud noises

new question 45. Would you rather travel back in time or into the future?

i don’t even know 44 people so i’m gonna type random letters on my keyboard and tag the people whose accounts pop up :)

@leland-chapman-the-bounty-hunter @piercetheveilplease @a7xmemes @blackveilblasphemy @black-veil-fallen-angel @ccjinxxandjake @duckduckjimmy @emotromboner @fyeahblackveilbrides-blog @god-of-thunder-and-rock-n-roll @horseriderproblems @hailtosynyster @iandsax @iandsaandbenfrombillytalent @i-need-jinxx @indiefrombvbarmy @jinxxacholic @jake-pitts-fan @justbillytalent @superimnotapilotworld @kovu-the-husky @musicmoejoe @rainbowmusictime @sleepingwithsirensgifs @shoutwiththedevil @starchildluver @synergygabriel @the-vic-to-my-kellin @vier-auf-dem-flur @wherethefuckisviclooking @walkinthepug @ylove-bandimagines @your-beautiful-nightmare13 @elroymarvelous

this aren’t even 44 people but i couldn’t find more. sorry to the people i tagged but never even talked with (which are like 97 percent of the people i tagged)

[unicornofhell]

@theowletqueen buy me one of these and I'll become a guitar player xD

god I am SO into whatever the fuck aesthetic this is, like SO goth it circles around into unironic strict roman catholic sunday school aesthetic, i don’t even know, I just know that I LOVE IT

[unicornofhell]

god I am SO into whatever the fuck aesthetic this is, like SO goth it circles around into unironic strict roman catholic sunday school aesthetic, i don’t even know, I just know that I LOVE IT

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ah yes Germany

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