universeconspired

[universeconspired]

"I thought you said this was the last time... LAST time."

          This wasn’t her. This insatiable out of control human she’d become. The adulterer, the miserable and dissatisfied human she’d become. Desperately trying to find some semblance of joy to fill her slowly decaying mind. It wasn’t her. Then again, the woman who had agreed to marry Freddie Cracknell in some overly lavish ceremony wasn’t her either. Somewhere between the two perhaps lay who she really was. Hopefully she was someone who found pleasure in the small things in life, had found a love that wasn’t necessarily wealthy enough to please her parents, but treat her well enough that they couldn’t complain. Instead, she’d become this strange user trying to suck happiness out of circumstances and the approval of everyone around her.

          There had never been a moment in her life where Nova had ever wanted to use anyone. While she’d been a bit of a dreamer with self esteem issues as she grew up, not one part of her had wanted to use anyone to gain some form of satisfaction. And yet, there she was: Married to someone she didn’t love, cheating on him with someone that made her feel seen but wasn’t someone she could see herself leaving her life for... It was a mess.

          This had to just be boredom alleviation. Freddie was out of town, she didn’t have anything to keep her busy other than choosing tiles from samples to redo the bathroom, again, or spend an evening drinking cocktails with the same crowd with the same problems. There were only so many times she could hear about so and so starving herself to fit into a wedding gown or how someone else had worn leopard print the wrong way. If she had to sit through someone crying over the fact their engagement ring was too small, she was going to scream. It was all so superficial, so unnecessary to life. And yet, she’d fallen into it. She’d fallen deep into the materialistic hole the second she’d started dating Freddie.

          While buying the designer bags and shoes and redoing their lavish home was nice, her currency had been the approval of her parents. The gleaming smile from her dad as he gave her away at the wedding. The attention she’d stolen away from her sister through out the wedding planning process. 

         Dom was simply a hobby on the side. One she shouldn’t have been indulging in and yet couldn’t stop thinking about as soon as nothing else was occupying her mind. Knowing he was around possessed everything in her. In a way, perhaps it was more an addiction. She was a simple human at her core. Freddie didn’t satisfy her mentally, socially or physically. She had been someone stuck right in the depth of intelligent research, surrounded by intellect and conversations that made her think. Now, the most she had to do was decide which shoes she was going to wear or if the lounge needed repainting. Freddie provided her no stimulation of any sort. Dom did. He kept her curious, allowed her brain to question his madness in a way she hadn’t used since submitting her thesis. And he wasn’t selfish. He knew what she needed when she needed it, she didn’t have to fake anything. That in itself was refreshing. 

          Instead of feeling like a trophy or some living doll to please her husband, she felt like a valued human being. Instead of having to make excuses about feeling exhausted or having a headache to get out of disappointing sex, she felt like an animal that couldn’t get enough of Dom. And while it was invigorating and exciting and giving her life something, it also filled her with regret and disgust and fear. 

          “This is the last time,” Nova practically whispered over her shoulder, pulling her robe around her body while avoiding Dom’s eye she could feel burning through the mirror. What she wanted to hear was him shifting around, redressing and ready to leave. Instead, she all but anticipated his response as much as she anticipated his touch, the gentle pressure of his hands settling on her waist. The words left her exhaling, deflating into some smaller version of herself for a moment before she lifted her chin to look at their reflection in the vanity mirror, trying to catch his eye.

          “I mean it.”

          How she wished there was conviction in her tone. Instead, the words were laced with doubt. Throughout her teenage years, she remembered hearing friends claim that that cigarette was their last after every single stubbed out smoke. The mere idea she’d become one of those people, unable to let go of something so damaging to the life she’d built up, would have made her laugh. This was like an addiction to feeling alive, to feeling appreciated, wanted. The way Dom looked at her, that tortured, hungry stare with his judging smirk was enough to confirm that it wasn’t going to be the last time at all. He knew it. She knew it. And yet saying it made her feel less guilty. Like she was trying to change and there had to be some credit for trying to be the good wife.

          As easy as it was to convince herself she couldn’t do this again, she’d convinced herself it was inevitable. Nova’s eyes closed as her body leaned back against Dom’s, giving in to her own protests once again as she exhaled slowly. “I need to quit you.” Again, no conviction. This time there wasn’t even an attempt to try and sound like she believed herself. Yes, she needed to. But for the foreseeable future? She couldn’t see that happening. 

[universeconspired]

"Seriously?"

          She wasn’t equipped for this. She hadn’t been equipped to deal with absolutely anything that had happened since she was fifteen. Her life had been idyllic. Growing up in the English countryside, an amicable rivalry between herself and her older sister, parents drastically in love... It was what a lot of people dreamed of. Nova had been blessed with anything she wanted: Horses, sporting tuition, a very generous amount of pocket money. So, when one of the building blocks of her perfect life was taken away the day her parents announced their divorce? She hadn’t been equipped to deal with it. Not one bit. Everything seemed like a lie. The money thrown her way was a distraction, shielding her away from noticing the cracks in the perfect relationship she had idolised. Luna was old enough at that point to have moved away from the friendly rivalry, instead proving she was the better child with prince charming on her arm. With the divorce came the move, away from the fairytale manor house she grew up in, away from having her horses at her front door. Instead she was thrown into a boarding school while her parents fought bitterly over every little aspect of their once perfect lives. And she hadn’t been equipped for it.

         She certainly wasn’t equipped in living in these conditions in her present. Leaving England had been, in some way, a cry for help. Perhaps it had been a scream for attention - a ‘I’ll drop out of the University degree you were both so proud of me for doing just so you stop cooing over how excellent it is that Luna lost the baby weight so quickly’. Perhaps it had been her delayed way of dealing with the divorce itself; running away from it all like she’d longed to do back at fourteen. One thing she knew was that she had never expected to end up in Toronto of all places, having burned through all her money and with her parents too busy fighting over rights to their new grandchild to realise the situation she was in. It was a testament, really, to have naive she’d been. Nova knew she was smart, but there was such a difference between being book smart and life smart. And considering her solution to this problem had been to move in with the first guy who paid her any attention while she waited for anyone to notice she was missing? Well, that hadn’t panned out too well.

          She hadn’t slept well in what felt like months. She wasn’t in love with Alex in the slightest - if anything, she had preferred Freddie’s company back when she used him to try and gain some attention from her parents. He was rough and sharp and careless. Sure, he had charm to some degree, but it wasn’t enough to patch over the little things that left her terrified of living there but with no other choice but to stay. She was certainly not equipped to fall so far into a world that made no sense to her. Her upbringing had not taught her to handle these situations, the drugs, the rowdiness, the aggression. She’d been equipped with the ways to handle pompous events, to stay quiet while the men were talking and to not open her mouth and make anyone feel dumb - that was rude.

          Moreover, she was not equipped to deal with the results of the test held in her shaking hands.

          She’d bought it on a whim, sent to the nearest shop for whatever the guys had requested. At the time, Nova had been more than willing to get out of there. Things were getting far too rowdy for her liking and she needed some peace and quiet and fresh air. Besides, fresh air would probably stem the sickly feeling she had - her mother had always said that too much processed food always left women like them feeling weak and nauseated. Only when she wandered down the aisle stocked with condoms and pregnancy tests did Nova stop to consider any alternative reasons for her feeling less than her best. From the moment she grabbed it to the present, sat on the bathroom floor staring at the two lines dooming her for life, had felt like an outer body experience. She couldn’t remember the walk back to the house - a walk that would usually have her on high alert and terrified that something would happen to her. She couldn’t remember how she excused herself without an argument happening. From that very second where being pregnant was a possibility to it being confirmed? Missing entirely from her brain.

          The door of the bathroom opening had her jumping, staring up at the intruder with watery eyes and a still shocked expression. A moment of relief flooded through her that it hadn’t been Alex. The last thing she wanted to deal with was telling him any of this when it wasn’t quite straightened out in her own brain. Right now, her brain felt like it was constantly screaming: How could she have been so stupid? No, Dom was like a saving grace in the house. Someone she felt comfortable existing near compared to everyone else. Not that she’d wanted anyone to know, but out of everyone? Dom was certainly the best option. Besides, maybe he didn’t know. With the lock broken on the bathroom door, it wasn’t unusual to walk in on someone in there. And who really stopped to linger when faced with someone in the bathroom? Sure, she wasn’t sat on the toilet or drying off after a shower. It was a little weird to be sitting on the floor - somewhere that potentially hadn’t been cleaned for longer than she’d been there. And she was fairly sure her cheeks were tear stained which was a dead give away. Nevermind the horror movie jump scare reaction she’d had from a simple door opening...

          But there it was. The acknowledgement. The confused question.

          Even with the test having jumped out of her hands and clattered across the floor, Dom knew. If it was negative, she wasn’t going to be sat there in shock with tears streaming out of her uncontrollably. No one wanted to be in this position: Homesick, dating someone only so she wasn’t on the streets and now pregnant with said someone’s kid. No one in this position would be so distraught over not being knocked up and faced with countless decisions about where to go from two lines on a pregnancy test. So, of course he knew. He wasn’t dumb or ignorant or someone who missed out on the small things like Alex. Dom was smart and in tune with people in a way that Nova was both grateful for and irritated by in that moment. Irritated because she hadn’t had time to even process it before more than just her knew about it. Grateful because she now had someone who could help her deal with this information and processing it and letting her know her options so far from home.

          As she swallowed thickly, Nova nodded softly and brought a shaky hand up to wipe at her cheeks. She didn’t cry in front of people. It wasn’t a pride thing, but more of a pathetic little installment of her upbringing. It wasn’t ladylike to be so blatantly emotional in front of people. Ladies didn’t air their dirty laundry with emotions written all over their face. And while Nova had always thought that sentiment was stupid, she had been grateful to know that she had been trained to carry a mask with her always so her thoughts never translated to her face. After inhaling a slow, shaking breath, Nova opened her eyes again and met Dom’s. “Come in and close the door?” She asked, voice sounding far stronger than she truly felt in that moment. It was mostly a safeguard - preventing anyone else from walking in and finding out the secret. But it was also a selfish begging request to not be alone right now. That was the last thing she wanted - to sit in that bathroom until she’d pulled herself together and managed to hide the pregnancy test and its box away from prying eyes. No, she needed friendly company to stop her mind from working overdrive and driving herself into hysteria.

          When the door clicked closed, Nova shifted to lean back against the wall, her eyes following where the test had skidded across the floor to next to the sink. Immediately, her hands sunk into her hair, the silence of the room feeling like it was growing like humidity every second. It felt like there was no oxygen, her skin felt clammy, her mouth had this horrific metallic taste and god she couldn’t stop shaking. Maybe her mask wasn’t quite strong enough to shield her thoughts in this moment. The strength she’d had just moments before was gone, stripped from her now she was back in the closed bubble of a room and confronted with the latest demon she had to face.

          “Please don’t tell anyone.”

[universeconspired]

"Well this is awkward as shit."

          Nova hated these events. While they were necessary to maintain relationships with important people, show off the new kitchen and keep up appearances, she loathed every second of them. Having to wear a ridiculously fitted dress and heels in her own home, spending most of the night sipping on wine while being attached to Freddie’s arm. The constant dodging of questions about when they were going to have children, how wonderful it was that Freddie was doing so well in the law firm and how well Nova maintained the home - thank goodness she’d gone through all of that schooling to be a housewife who could choose nice plates. They caused nothing but stress for weeks prior. Normally Freddie suggested them, began inviting people and then left all of the planning up to Nova. Thankfully, by now she was fairly skilled and had a decent amount of contacts that could bring everything together - fun cocktails being served in the kitchen, canapes being constantly restocked, no glasses being left on the expensive furniture, no guests being ignored. Still, it was stressful until she’d spoken to most of the guests and could actually disappear to enjoy a glass of wine in peace.

          Unfortunately, she hadn’t gotten the chance to enjoy said glass of wine yet. Consequently, the balls of her feet were killing her, she was getting continuously frustrated every time someone mentioned anything to do with children and she was fairly sure she was going to snap if she heard Freddie’s fake laugh again. This all hadn’t gotten any better when she’d spotted Dom, followed by a disgruntled murmur from her husband about how there was always one of the wait staff that was late and how she needed to find more reliable services. Had she not been so shocked to see Dom standing in her house that was certainly not empty, she probably would have had to swallow quite a few sharp words in response to the accusation. If he’d helped, then maybe they could have chosen a company that met his expectations. If he wasn’t so occupied with spending his weekends playing golf or tennis or squash, then maybe the party would have been more them than just her. As it was, however, she had to force her eyes away from Dom to look at Freddie. Getting them apart was essential.

          She had no idea what Dom was doing here. Turning up unannounced and uninvited wasn’t something she condoned. Then again, he had continued to frustrate her in many ways ever since they had met, she shouldn’t have been surprised. However, there was a difference between catching her on the street and turning up to an event she was trying to host and being let in by her husband. The last thing she needed was Freddie finding out about Dom. While he made no effort to hide his escapades with other women, Nova liked to think she had more class than being that typical bored wife seeking an affair. She liked to think she was smarter than to flirt with someone else in front of her husband, smarter than to leave clues about her lover, smarter than to have an affair in the first place. 

          “I’ll deal with it,” she responded, that dutiful wife smile landing on her face while her hand shifted to pat Freddie’s chest - still too aware of all the eyes on them, judging their every move. With a quick glance back towards Dom, Nova pressed a light kiss to Freddie’s cheek and stepped back. “I think Jack and Emily were wanting to hear your plans for the extension. I’ll join you in a moment.” Stepping back again, Nova brushed down her dress while waiting for Freddie to take the hint and move in search of his boss and his wife. As soon as he was out of the room, she also made her move. The panic was settling in and leaving her hands shaking with an injection of adrenaline. Dom’s words barely even registered as she grabbed his wrist and pulled him away from the bustling crowds gathering nearer to the back of the house. It wasn’t the first time Dom had been there - moments of weakness and wine induced stupidity and loneliness had been severe downfalls - but it was the first time he was there when she wasn’t alone. 

          Her jaw was set as she hurriedly pushed him towards the stares, eyes sharp as she followed. Truly, Nova wasn’t sure if it was Freddie’s ignorance and arrogance that had her so riled up or if it was Dom’s audacity that was tipping her towards snapping, but either way she was beyond frustrated and stressed. It wasn’t until she was sure they were alone, hidden in the en suite of the guest room that she realised she hadn’t spoken at all.

          “How dare you!” She snapped, voice at a whisper despite being sure there was no one on that floor of the house - there was no such thing as being too careful and even being in the same room with someone who didn’t run in their circles was risking far too much gossip among all of the guests. “What was running through your mind to make coming here seem like a good idea?” The anger that laced her whispers left a chill running down her back, eyebrows knit together as her face tensed up. If he kept up these shenanigans, she was going to have to invest in botox or something to stop her mother from pointing out all of the stress lines on her face. “Jesus christ, Dominic!” Nova’s face fell into a hand, a laugh of disbelief falling from her. This was it. This was when she lost it. This is where her life would start to fall apart despite being so desperately and perfectly planned and pieced together since she was fifteen. Meeting Dom had been a slip up. A ridiculous moment in her life that wasn’t meant to come back and haunt her or wrap her up in such scandal like this.

          “You need to leave.” Despite knowing that was the only solution, there was no conviction in her words. Out of all the people in her house in that moment, Dom was the only one that frustrated her in a way that she could tolerate. Instead of repressing everything in her until all she felt was this numb frustration, he was like a spark of electricity that was bringing her to life. She’d eaten far too little and was wearing far too tight Spanx while having sipped on just enough wine to bring her to this point: Standing in a bathroom with the man she was having an affair with, knowing he needed to go but not wanting him to. That thought on its own left her confused. The amount of dread and stress and downright panic flowing through her was enough to cause anyone to have some form of breakdown. Hell, she’d seen a neighbour have a breakdown over her lounge being painted the wrong shade of magnolia not too long ago. Here she was like a circus clown, juggling seven balls while keeping ten plates spinning. 

          A heavy breath left her as she shifted to sit on the side of the bath, fingers pinching the bridge of her nose. “You knew he’d be here, didn’t you?” It wasn’t an accusation so much as wanting to understand why Dom was there. Yes, she’d been ignoring his calls over the past week or two. Yes, she’d been very short with him the last time they’d seen each other. But that certainly hadn’t warranted turning up at her house without even considering the consequences. She was only glad that Freddie was oblivious and, frankly, unintelligent enough to really question anything. He was so wrapped up in their world that there was no thinking outside of the box, merely drinking whiskey sours with his buddies as they laughed and joked about the new receptionist right under the noses of their knowing wives. A frown fell over her face then as she lifted her gaze to look at Dom again. Again, perhaps it was the lack of food, the overwhelming inability to take a deep breath or the wine she’d already consumed, but her mind was whirling with possibilities.

          Perhaps eliviating her stress by slowly introducing Dom as some presence in her life wasn’t the stupidest plan. She was sure her nosey neighbours had seen him before and giving them an explanation would remove their suspicion. It would mean Freddie wouldn’t even bother considering she was just another stereotypical unsatisfied wife. And it would selfishly give her a burst of electricity to keep her from feeling like she was drowning in her dull life.

          “Do you have any experience as a waiter? As a mixologist? Event planning?”

[universeconspired]

"You look beautiful."

          While Nova was never one to obsess over her appearance, her upbringing had taught her to have a certain amount of pride. Luna was always considered the pretty one; naturally blonde, petite, feminine but naturally thin. Nova would never disagree. Luna was definitely beautiful. She knew how to effortlessly dress and style herself to look flawless for any occasion. Nova had never been that person. She would have rathered spend half the amount of time getting dressed to already being stuck into something. She was well known for throwing her wavy hair up into a messy bun, throwing a little mascara on - at the insistence of her mother - and wearing simple but well fitting staples; jeans, tshirts, jumpers, shirts. That wasn’t to say she didn’t scrub up well. Her years tending to her horses as a child had given her some hair skills that meant doing some fancier updos wasn’t too difficult and everything always looked better with some lipstick and eyebrows shaped. Throwing on an expensive tailored dress wasn’t difficult either. And as much as she hated heels, there was a time and a place for them.

          How she looked wasn’t really an important thing to her.

          She’d always been the smart one, the one people expected to hear some ridiculous story about drug resistant bacteria from rather than complementing on looking well. No one had ever looked at a family photo and pointed out the girl going through the awkward growth spurt and awkward stripey hair to be the pretty one. And she was fine with that. Luna wasn’t the smart one. She wasn’t the pretty one. However, the past week had sent her into a downward spiral with her self confidence. It was stupid, really. Being a mother, while not something she’d really anticipated, was a magnificent thing and she couldn’t have been more in love with their child. Of course, she was terrified of hurting the tiny human she was now half in charge of keeping alive - which had been so much easier when said tiny human was safely protected by her own body rather than being exposed to the outside world - but she couldn’t have been happier.

          Logically, she knew it was hormones. The imbalance was sure to cause havoc with her mental stability. Everyone had mentioned it at one point. However, her experience with first time parents had largely consisted of Luna and a handful of friends. Luna had basically pulled a Kate Middleton and been dressed to the nines throughout the whole birth and leaving the hospital process. She’d been super mum with her second, baking fresh bread and making home cooked meals for her husband coming come, all with freshly blow dried hair and a face of makeup. She’d been her stunning self. Friends, well Nova had seen them in staged situations; meeting their baby while they all went for brunch or for coffee mostly. Still, they looked like they’d gotten more than 12 hours of sleep and a professional styling team in to make them look flawless every single time.

          She had no idea how they had done it.

          Only a few hours into being a mother and she was fairly sure she was failing in some regard at not being perfect. Sure, the baby had decided to evacuate when she wasn’t ready for it - there was no way she could have done anything other than throw her desperate for a wash hair into a pile on her head and hope for the best. And it would have been far more ideal to not happen in the early hours of the morning when she was barefaced. Especially considering said baby hadn’t allowed her the luxury of sleep for a good few weeks now as it angrily kicked out at her organs - she’d blamed Dom’s DNA for that one, no Hodgens child would have dared. And even still, it would have been wonderful if she fit into decent clothes rather than just some obnoxious pyjama pants and one of Dom’s t-shirts that she’d stretched out beyond rescue.

          Nova didn’t have too much recollection of saying anything out loud, if at all, regarding this whirlwind thought process. She wasn’t some wonder woman who had refused any pain medication - hell, she’d asked for it all and begged for more in no effort to rescue her pride - so it was partly down to that, partly down to feeling like she’d been run over by a truck. However, she’d heard Dom’s words clearly that first time. She could have been forgiven for shedding a few very ugly tears while awkwardly handling their baby who was laying on her chest. It could have easily been blamed on hormones. But there was such earnest in Dom’s words and a ridiculous amount of love that she felt in that moment that really made her believe him for a moment. That wasn’t the first time he’d blown her away with how honest he was with her, but it certainly stood out as a moment to remember.

          It meant so much being in that moment of vulnerability and feeling like everything had changed with no ounce of control on her end. It was more than some flippant comment about her appearance and like a little hand squeeze reminding her that they were in this together. Of course, when baby vomit was added to the mix she no longer felt beautiful, but it was definitely nice to feel like she wasn’t some ugly deflating lump for a little while as the pain meds began to wear off.

          After managing to actually shower, return home and somewhat fall into a routine of being a mother - a far more difficult job, she felt, than keeping tiny microorganisms with very particular temperature and sterility requirements - he managed to do it again. The second time, she was with hair she hadn’t washed in probably over a weak and living in baggy jumpers she’d stolen from Dom alongside some leggings that probably had all sorts of baby related something on them. She couldn’t even remember what the tube of mascara she used looked like, had given up on dry shampoo and god what even was sleep anymore? If she thought she was tired when the baby was kicking her from the inside, it was nothing compared to being a human cow.

          It was fair to say she didn’t look like any of her own expectations when she caught herself in the mirror. Coupled with the aforementioned hormones that were still raging furiously? It had only been a matter of time until her opinion of herself had plummeted and sent her into a frustration - although not enough for her to actually wash her hair, that seemed like an incredibly difficult task that the baby wouldn’t let her do, or so her excuses usually started out. Perhaps it was a week or two into being parents where Dom had suggested that they go out for lunch, get some fresh air. It was a nice idea considering Nova had been feeling cabin fever after only a few days but couldn’t exactly bring herself to dress in anything other than pyjamas or leggings. Of course, she was sure that Dom hadn’t expected the whole getting ready process to take hours. 

          The entire wardrobe was pulled out. Everything tried on from pre-pregnancy fit oddly around her still postpartum body while her pregnancy outfits of choice were certainly looking a little off. And then there was actually trying to make the effort with her hair, interrupted several times by their child who was starving or clearly just wanted to spend time with her. A few said occasions resulted in anything that had fit her no longer being suitable to wear which had only left her more frustrated as time passed. But finally she was at least as good as she was going to get in her mind. Of course, that came with not feeling like actually leaving the house for lunch (really more of an early dinner now) but there was no way she was wasting any time with her hair and makeup if no one else was going to see it - there were some things her mother has instilled in her that just wouldn’t leave and lipstick being wasted on people who saw her without it was one of those things.

         Just as she was mid mentally talking herself into actually getting up and walking through to start getting their baby ready, Dom did it again. That ridiculous soul piercing honestly that almost winded her, leaving her with a wobbling smile and a quick “don’t, you’ll make me cry and this mascara is expensive.” It might have sounded a little unappreciative, but it was all she could do to sever that intensity of being loved so honestly by someone who understood every little atom of her being and her history. After a quick clearing of her throat, she stood up to admire Dom standing there with their baby. He was a natural, such a godsend with helping out and truly not letting her lift more fingers than was necessary. If it wouldn’t have left her a sobbing mess - something she hated considering pre-pregnancy her barely cried at all -  she probably would have crossed the gap between them and kissed him for being so incredible. Instead, she offered him a warm smile.

          “Let’s go show the world our perfect little creation, hm?” Her fingers wriggled in the most ridiculous charade of wanting to hold their little one again. Ten more minutes of cuddling before finding shoes and risking another shirt being ruined was entirely worth it. Hell, feeling like a deflating lumpy ball of ridiculous emotions was entirely worth it alone when she was reminded of how lucky she was to be in this position: Living with the love of her life after having lost him before, comfortable, being able to dive headfirst into the terrifying job of parenting a tiny child with him and being loved so fiercely in return.

          Everything they’d been through was worth it for this.

[universeconspired]

"You spilt something on that dress of yours."

          The night had been an interesting one. A warmer than average Christmas Eve, coupled with traditional rain hitting the Covent Garden cobbles leaving everyone complaining about how unfestive it all was. The juxtaposition of the beauty and grace and joy on the stage with the tensions rising from families trying to portray perfection from their boxes. While Nova had historically complained every single year about how she hated the traditions, getting to see the Nutcracker every Christmas Eve was certainly one of the better ones. Although, even still, it came with its downsides: an uncomfortable dress, even more uncomfortable heels, but her mother’s approval at how she cleaned up well. Watching the uncomfortable interactions between her dad and Dom, knowing her dad had no clue how to communicate with someone who hadn’t been brought up like he had. Listening to Luna talking about what angels her kids were, how amazing her husband was for choosing another diamond necklace and how they were going skiing between Christmas and New Year. And, of course, the meal after while still wearing the uncomfortable dress and coupled with too many glasses of champagne.

         It was all ridiculous and pompous and she hated it.

         But then there was that moment when the orchestra started to play and she’d felt Dom’s hand squeezing her leg. In that moment it was perfect. All of the arguments and frustrations melting away by the comforting spectacle that she could share with Dom. While they were from different worlds, being able to share that moment - albeit surrounded by family who were trying so hard to put on a show - was one of the better new traditions. The slow walk to the restaurant gave her time to curl into Dom’s side as they shared an umbrella, stealing warmth from him as they murmured inside jokes and tipsy chuckles. Sure, it may have come with a few complaints from her sister that they were holding things up - if she didn’t have to wear heels on cobbled streets then maybe she would have walked faster! - and shared glances between her parents who still weren’t sure about Dom, but it was entirely worth it. 

         At least, level headed and sober her would have thought that way. Too much champagne - sparkling English, Nova as her father would have reprimanded - had left her the wrong side of tipsy and irrational. Her feathers had been ruffled by harmless comments, evident by how aggressive she was at trying to take off her mascara. Between curses at why she thought waterproof mascara was ever a good idea, she’d barely heard Dom come into the bathroom. God, he probably thought she was insane after spending their entire taxi ride back to their flat complaining and getting more and more wound up over tiny little things that had been building throughout the year. And it was only going to be worse tomorrow - more wine, more sparkling something, opulent gifts that were entirely about showing off rather than needing anything. He must have regretted ever marrying into her insane family.

         She hadn’t expected the gentle kiss to her shoulder, the words murmured against her neck. Almost immediately, Nova leaned back against him while letting her eyes close. This was the best part of her new Christmas. Getting to spend it with the love of her life in quiet little moments where he knew she needed distracting from going down her self deprecating hole. Getting to spend it with someone who understood and appreciated and thought she was perfect, even as she stood there with black smudges running down her face, lipstick stained lips and her once perfectly curled hair thrown into an awkward pineapple bun on the top of her head. She couldn’t have gotten any luckier. Luna? She probably still had to live a life where her husband was unaware that she was anything other than picture perfect. That had to be exhausting. Herself? She was almost entirely sure she could not shower for an entire year and roll around in mud and Dom would still love her. Well, maybe he’d poke fun at her, but there would still be love there.

         “Unzip me?” Nova asked, voice soft as she opened her eyes to look at Dom in the mirror. For the first time that night, a genuine smile gently lifted the corners of her mouth. “It’s probably English sparkling wine, darling,” she continued, mocking her father’s obnoxious need to let everyone know his patriotism and how much he disliked other countries produce, even when it tended to be far better. “We can burn it, like an offering to the festive cosmos or a fuck you to my mother. Either one works.” A laugh left her then as she turned her head, pressing a clumsy kiss to anywhere she could reach on Dom’s face. Leisurely, she turned to follow her head, melting into Dom’s chest while her fingers trailed up the back of his neck, into his hair. Maybe her favourite part of the evening was seeing Dom dressed up so smartly. As pathetic as it was, her upbringing had clearly given her a thing for an impeccably fitting suit. Although, right now with his slightly loosened tie and the discarded jacket? She was finding it far more attractive. Definitely nothing to do with how much she’d had to drink. And that scent of fading cologne? Almost enough to make her weak at the knees. Maybe that’s why she was clutching onto his shoulders so much.

         “Nothing says Merry Christmas like unwrapping me like a present and being kicked out of our home for a little bonfire fuelled by Victoria Beckham’s finest, hm?” Another laugh bubbled from her as he leaned back against the sink counter to look up at Dom with complete affection. Her thumb brushed gently along a slight smudge of lipstick left on his jaw, the other falling to rest on his waist, fingers crumpling the fabric of his shirt. She was lucky. She had a family she adored, despite how they drove her crazy with their diverging idealism and pretentiousness that she no longer fit in. She was loved so clearly by a man who would give her every star in the sky if he had the means to. And she loved him back so selfishly that all she wanted with a million lifetimes to be able to express how much she loved him, even though she was sure it was impossible to explain. It was like a switch was flipped in every single cell of her body the second they had met, giving her all of these emotions and feelings that she’d never truly felt with anyone before. That was a gift in itself; being gifted that continuously for the past few years. Instead of voicing that - because, really, she was far too drunk to say anything eloquent in that moment - her thumb continued to lightly brush over his jaw, trying to express her adoration for him.

         “Merry Christmas, my love.”

[universeconspired]

"You really think I believe that?"

          In some grand Universe, Nova would have loved to think someone was just that clued into her. While a younger version of herself would have probably fallen into some deep puppy love at someone paying her the time of day and noticing that, no, she was far from okay, she wasn’t that stupid anymore. It wasn’t as if she was trying to hide her tears, she had to remind herself of that. Even though Dom had been perhaps the nicest person she’d run into in the house, he wasn’t some magical mind reader who just so happened to know she was having a truly awful day. He was simply observant of the only other person awake in the house - again, not a particularly difficult thing to achieve. She wasn’t sat in the dark, she wasn’t cowering in the corner. The doorway led straight onto the sofa, where she’d been sat, staring out of the window for goodness knows how long. 

          Yet, she’d still lied. Still said she was fine, because that was what polite people did. They lied to save face, save pride, and prevent their kind well wisher some awkward spiral into why exactly they weren’t fine. It was also easier this way. While Nova was almost entirely sure the brothers weren’t close - much like herself and her sister, Luna - she knew there was some secret rule never to badmouth someone’s family in front of them. Normally, they didn’t take too kindly to it. As frustrating and selfish and downright pain in the butt that Luna was? Nova couldn’t begin to hate her. And if anyone said anything, even if Nova would have said it herself, there would at least be a very impolite look thrown their way. 

          Even though Dom’s concerned expression made her want to pour her heart out, she couldn’t do it. She couldn’t start from the moment she’d felt lost in the world, the moment she had to choose between her parents, the bitterness and the brokenness she’d observed as her precious family crumbled around her. She couldn’t explain the fact that, despite having been in a long term relationship, she hadn’t felt any ounce of love in her body. She couldn’t tell him how she was terrified that she was broken and incapable of loving anything after the one, perfect example had ceased to exist. She couldn’t continue as to why she’d ended up at a club in the heart of Toronto, desperate for attention in any form she could get; the form that just so happened to be Dom’s brother. Alex wasn’t her type, not even for a second. And yet, here she was, a few weeks later and apparently in some form of a relationship with him, existing in his house to save on her heavily depleting bank account turning to red.

          “It would be easier if you did,” Nova murmured back, hands shifting to rub at her eyes without paying any mind to the smudging of her mascara. Telling Dom that his brother certainly wasn’t a gentleman, about the arguments and the bitterness between them, the fear she had and why she felt like she had to stay until she figured something out... There were so many things she longed to get off her chest. Yet the words wouldn’t form, they got stuck in her throat and fizzled away uncomfortably, leaving a heavy feeling in her chest and her stomach churning with bitter disappointment and acid. With a deep breath, she shifted off the sofa to stand directly by the window - kicking carelessly discarded items from her path with her toes, the only show of the anger that still prickled her.

          “I didn’t think anyone would be awake right now,” she continued, desperate to change the subject in her own mind. With a quick glance back at Dom, she gestured towards the dull orange glow that was beginning to form behind the countless buildings of the city. A few months ago, she would have been waking up in her flat in the heart of London, dressed, hair done, makeup as perfect as she could get it. Possibly right now she would have been juggling her school books and some breakfast that would have had her mother’s eyes rolling and Luna mentioning for the millionth time why eating Paleo was the way to go. Maybe she wouldn’t have been running late at all, her breakfast would have been eaten and she would be waiting quietly outside of the lecture theatre, ready to continue her education on the fascinating world of fungal spores or gram negative bacteria. Instead, she was standing in a house, in the middle of Toronto that contained so many strangers having quit absolutely everything and vanished from her old life.

          Maybe it was dumb of her to want that break. It was exceptionally dumb of her to latch onto the first man who paid her any attention and do whatever she could to keep him happy just so she had a roof over her head and some sick fulfilment of needing attention. It was like Freddie all over again. The image was pleasant, but there was no emotion there. She was simply gaining what she thought was right. 

          “You know, it’s almost 10am back home. I don’t think I ever really adjusted. I can’t really complain if I get to see the sun rise, though.” A somewhat forced laugh fell from her then as she rubbed at her eyes again. “Is everything alright? You’re not usually up.” It was a stupid statement, really. She didn’t know her boyfriend’s - maybe not even her boyfriend, but thinking of him as she guy she slept with wasn’t exactly doing her self esteem too many favours - brother. She’d spoken to him a few times here and there, completely aware that anything Alex had told her about him was false, but still didn’t really know him at all. “I’d offer to make breakfast, but unless you like burnt toast then...” A shrug lifted her shoulders, the joke not quite lifting to her face. Despite not knowing him, she’d always felt safe around Dom. He was quiet, kept to himself more than the other guys in the house - most of whom Nova couldn’t stand. They were hooligans, foul mouthed with a disgustingly dirty sense of humour that she just didn’t care for. Dom made her feel relaxed and somewhat long to be in his company for just a little longer. “I’m kind of an expert at burnt toast.”

[universeconspired]

"Sweet Sixteen, you weren't one of those kids, were you?"

          It didn’t matter how many times Dom made fun of her for her upbringing, it always made Nova laugh. Between growing up in completely different countries with different colloquialisms and references, plus the ever obvious gap in their class, Dom’s amazement and playful fun poking always put a smile on her face. It played into her hands too well; she enjoyed pulling his leg, keeping the joke going, making herself seem a little more interesting than she really was. Truthfully, she knew she wasn’t the most fascinating creature on the planet, yet Dom always acted as if she was. It certainly played into her wish for attention. That same, growing smile lingered on her features as her thumb brushed over the projected photo of herself from over a decade ago.

          She looked awkward, gangly, too much leg, trying to figure out what to do with her body. Luna had grown up so elegantly. She was tall in a balanced way, her body shape was idealistic and meant she fit into any clothing she had her eye on. Nova on the other hand? It was like one day she grew up with boobs and none of her clothes fit quite right. That could have been down to basically copying Luna’s style and thinking she wa the style queen. That and the awful blonde highlights she’d insisted on having - again, trying to be more like Luna. Thank goodness she’d embraced her natural brunette locks and at least stopped trying to wear cutsie tea dresses.

          “Not a thing over here. There are only two perks to turning sixteen in the UK,” she paused for dramatic effect, shifting on her parents’ sofa to face Dom directly. A glint of mischief flashed over her face before forcing herself to deadpan with a shrug. “Buying lottery tickets and legal sex.” Flicking to the next photo, Nova hesitated for a moment as she noticed her younger self - although Nova was sure she was seventeen and not sixteen in said photo, despite having the same terrible hair and trying to stuff herself into clothing that her mother approved of - standing in an embrace with an equally as youthful, yet not remotely awkward, Freddie. If he wasn’t the dullest person she’d ever known and had a distinct distaste for now, she possibly would have made some comment on how he was one of those guys; never went through an awkward stage, always looked like he’d stepped out of some Jack Wills or Joules advertisement.

          The photo was interesting, however. Knowing that around the time it was taken, Luna had started dating Edward and Nova had felt immense jealousy at having not fallen in love with anyone. And she had been surrounded by love. Her parents were still obsessed with each other, Luna had a fairytale romance that only existed in the movies where she’d fallen in love with her best friend and they’d been together ever since. And then, there she was, pretending she liked someone just because her mother had mentioned how good they looked together and how the Cracknell family name was admired.

          “I didn’t really bother with the lottery,” she continued, flicking the photo screen off to the side to continue leafing through the awkward captures of her youth. “I mean... Not like I needed the money. I had my horses, my Grandpa Noel would insist on giving me pocket money, I only had to pout a little for my dad to give in to anything I asked for.” Nova glanced to Dom then, knowing she sounded like a spoiled brat. She had been, but at least she was aware of her ridiculously privileged upbringing, right? He couldn’t really judge her for the way she was brought up in such a clueless bubble of society. Plus, she wasn’t like that anymore. Well, not entirely. She still enjoyed some aspects of her family’s wealth that had made getting through University a lot more comfortable. And they’d paid for the holiday that hand landed her right in Dom’s lap. 

          “And sex wasn’t particularly on my mind at that point. I was more of a I want red roses and a Disney-like date girl at that point.” Another shrug lifted her shoulders as a small smile twisted over her lips again. “I’m sure Freddie was quite disappointed. Not that we were dating then, but he was trying.” Not to mention he’d made his way quite famously through her friendship group, only to have Farley humiliate him for even daring to consider her. God, she had to have been stupid to have dated him at all, let alone having dated him for so long.

          “You see, the UK just liked to make things dangerous. You’re sixteen, you can go off and sleep around and win millions. When you’re eighteen you can drink alcohol and drive. Fantastic combinations.” Rolling her eyes, Nova collapsed the projection before curling into Dom’s side with a hum. “I don’t think you’d have given me a second glance back then.” Perhaps she was just fishing for compliments to avoid the obvious: She wouldn’t have given him a second glance at all. He wouldn’t have even registered on her radar. Hell, she was surprised in herself  for allowing him into her life when she did and she had remarkably changed by that point in her life. “Although, wasn’t your last ex blonde? I could have sworn I saw her on an old photo... So maybe you’d have liked stripey blonde haired me with my short skirts and bows.”

[universeconspired]

"When I was a kid we'd always go down there to shop. Mom would go fucking nuts because there was always 'so much' that you couldn't buy in Canada. I feel like that was just her tryna butter dad up though."

          Moments like this felt like winning the lottery. No matter how sparse or often they happened, Nova treasured these brief pockets of openness like nothing else. She’d learned over time to treat them like a skittish wild animal, to tread carefully and not push too far or too much. Instead, she remained quiet and absorbed whatever details she could about Dom. He was truly an enigma in her mind. As much as she knew him and his personality and could downright predict stupid little jokes he would come up with before he even said them (and then consequently had her laughing so hard she was crying half the time), his past was such a mystery. By contrast, she was an open book. Anything Dom could ever want to know was right there for him to take. Her childhood was simple with no traumatic experiences to make it interesting - not that she was complaining. Hell, it had taken her into her mid twenties to truly understand how lucky and blessed she was to have had such a normal and pain free life. Dom knew that she grew up with wealthy parents who were and still were head over heels in love with each other. She grew up with a sister that, while they didn’t always get along, there was never any animosity with. She grew up smart and dedicated even if it wasn’t effortless. She had all of her grandparents still alive and well and had never lost anyone from her life.

          From what she knew and had pieced together over the time she’d known Dom, Nova was entirely aware that Dom’s experience of life couldn’t have been more different to her own. She never blamed him for being a more difficult book to open. Hell, if she’d gone through one thing in her childhood that was remotely painful, perhaps she would have closed up entirely. So these moments were a privilege. Any moment where Dom felt like he was in a safe place to let those guards down - guards that Nova was sure had kept him alive - was a magical moment to experience. Perhaps it was the wrong reaction to smile so whimsically at the mention of his parents, especially knowing that there was a hint of sadness buried in the back of the seemingly easy words, yet Nova couldn’t help it. If there was one thing she wanted in this life, it was to have been able to meet Dom’s parents. She wanted to know stupid things about his childhood that he didn’t know. If he was a difficult baby that kept everyone awake, what strange thing he was obsessed with, different perspectives on the moments he got his first crush. Of course, selfishly, Nova also wanted to know if they approved of her. It was ingrained in her to always want to be liked by others, to know if she was doing good by other people’s standards. But for people who were so important to the person she loved the most? She wanted to know if they thought she was good enough for him.

          Had this moment happened earlier in their relationship, Nova probably would have launched into her own story. About the time that they were driving through France on the way to the chalet for their annual skiing trip. About how she threw such a tantrum in the middle of the hypermarché because she wanted all of the snacks and sweets that she’d never seen before. How her father was so wrapped around her finger that he obliged, even despite the fact that her mother wasn’t impressed at all. Especially after most of the snacks went untouched because Nova discovered she really wasn’t a fan of hazelnuts. Now, however, she was wiser to the situation. Detracting from that little insight into Dom’s childhood was a foolish thing to do, even if the situation was weird: Standing on a mini footstool in the middle of a cramped aisle in the middle of the Asian supermarket that they’d come across. In typical fashion, Nova had declared she wanted the pack of noodles that happened to be on the top shelf much like her young, tantrum throwing self.

          Glancing over her shoulder, Nova smiled down at Dom with an overwhelming fondness. “I bet the border guards were tired of confiscating Fruity Pebbles,” she teased, an airy laugh following as she stretched for the pack she’d had her eye on. “Or was your mum far sneakier? Hiding Lucky Charms and Tootsie rolls in every crevice in the car? I bet the boot was chock-a-block with Milk Duds and weird American canned cheese.” Her face pulled into a comical mock of disgust - she couldn’t talk, she was still partial to chemical laden and overly preserved junk food - as she hopped off the stool and playfully threw the pack of noodles into the basket. “Your dad was an Oreo guy, right? I bet he was an Oreo guy. And not just the normal ones... He smuggled the gross flavours back across the border.” So, maybe she was pushing her luck with the teasing, but in her experience keeping things light and easy and airy was far better than pushing for actual emotional details. Sometimes the jokes gifted her more emotional insight, sometimes they didn’t, and she was fine with that. 

          “I think I’d have gotten along great with your mum,” Nova concluded, gesturing to the overstocked hand basket. The trip into the Asian market had been just to get wrappers to make spring rolls and yet here they were with a basket she’d forced Dom to carry because it was too heavy. And half of the stuff? She didn’t even know what it was. “We clearly know how to butter up the DeLane men.” A wink followed, coupled with her playful smile as she rounded the corner of the aisle, partially congratulating herself on getting that extra little puzzle piece to Dom’s life before they met serendipitously in Italy and their lives had been inseparable since.

[universeconspired]

"This would go a lot better if you'd cut the shit."

   ♪     “What does it matter if I ‘cut the shit’?”

          It was like some banshee had taken over her normally poised body, whirling her around to look at Dom. It had her feeling like she was going crazy; the sting of tears in her eyes, her hands shaking into fists by her side and the slight ragged breath that she could see curling up into the night air. Her words had been snappy, sharp and filled with every doubt that Dom had placed on her since they’d re-met. He’d been dead, then he wasn’t. He’d been married to her in some other universe, then he was here. She’d been alive in said other universe, not she wasn’t. It was far easier to accept that the pressure and stress of fitting her square peg into the circular hole of society had tipped her over the edge. They always said smart people were one step closer to madness, didn’t they? Or perhaps it was just easier for her to think that. And yet, with all of the evidence that Dom had put in front of her, the things he shouldn’t have known and yet did, the way he’d turned her life on its head and spun it around… She felt like quite the fool for believing him. But she did believe him. She believed that he’d loved her. Not her but… Other her. Whoever this crazy version of her was to leave all she’d known and live in a questionable flat in a questionable area.

          Nova’s face softened then, the shield she’d thrown up wavering as she lifted her fingertips to hastily brush the tears from her eyes. Dom could watch her drive herself mad all he wanted, but he wasn’t about to watch her cry over someone who wasn’t her lawful husband. Not a chance. Of course, the sanctity of her marriage was a sham; absolutely no guilt in the fact she’d crossed the adulterous line considering Freddie did so on the daily. There was guilt in ruining her pride, however. Dom, the ever so strangely charming man clearly had some hold on her - whether that was this version of her or ten other versions of her. The reason other her had apparently left everything and been swept up in their romance was the same thing that had kept her going back to him over the last few months. No matter how irritated she got, no matter how many probing questions or doubts he planted in her mind, she was right back. How dare he. He knew it worked, otherwise he wouldn’t have been around here spinning all of these stories and painting her these pictures of her being happy. And she wasn’t happy. Nova was smart in more than just the academic sense. She understood people - well, most people. She enjoyed sitting and watching and figuring out circumstances of the people around her. And this was no different.

         The charm that had her wrapped in this crazy vortex was an unfortunate one. They were both on different levels. While Nova had every doubt that she had never loved Freddie now, feeling all of these stomach flipping and heart fluttering feelings over the last few months, she knew it was foolish. Sure, it was foolish in the simple sense: Cheating on Freddie with another man. It was shameful. But catching feelings for said man? Even more so. Thrown in that this other man was head over heels in love and absolutely heartbroken over another version of her? It was too much. As much as she may have looked like the woman in the photos that Dom had shown her, or as much as her family was the same, her friends were the same… She wasn’t that woman. She wasn’t this bright light that radiated some ridiculous smile from the odd photo. It was like looking at a stranger in those photos; the long hair thrown up in a hasty and messy bun, the smudged mascara from laughing too hard, the flushed cheeks, the casual wear… It wasn’t anything like the life she’d imagined herself to have even if she’d left every expectation behind. And that was the problem. Dom was in love with someone she wasn’t and could never be.

          Composing herself, Nova turned her gaze to the side and set her jaw. “This needs to stop,” she concluded, the finality strong in her tone. “I’m married and you… You need to go home.” The oddness of the situation hit her then with those words, causing her to shake her head slightly. “This fantasy that you have? It’s not fair. You can’t just come here and destroy my life with all of this…” Truth. Potentially, anyway. Or she was going crazy. A thick swallow filled her unfinished thought. This night was a disaster. She felt like a wreck, probably looked like one and, god, her feet were killing her. “I have a life. It’s not your life. I don’t owe you anything.” Her gaze fell back on Dom, face somewhat sympathetic. Losing someone he loved enough to do all of this? It was a love she craved and couldn’t even remotely begin to fathom all at once. With a deep breath, Nova straightened her posture and neutralised her face - even with the tears slowly continuing to spill from her eyes. “I’m truly sorry that you lost your wife. I’m sorry you’re going through that. No one should ever have to deal with that. But… She’s lucky to have had someone love her the way you did and always will.” A forced smile, similar to the ones she would give Freddie whenever he gave her some generic compliment. Diplomatic. Finalising. Convincing herself that she wasn’t going to put herself through this emotional torture any longer.

“Goodbye, Dominic.”

[universeconspired]

"How bored do you have to be to convince yourself that you're in love with him?"

          The question had been ringing in her ears ever since he’d said it. How bored do you have to be to convince yourself that you’re in love with him? It wasn’t some groundbreaking question, but it certainly had Nova’s mind working overtime to pull apart each little insinuation that came with such an accusation. Even as she stepped through the doors of her town home, sliding the door shut behind her with a sigh of habit - although now she was questioning the sincerity of thinking it was a content sigh - Dom’s words were eating her up. Her life was good. People would kill to have the life she had. She was free from worry, able to spend her days doing things people only wished they could do. She had this picture perfect life, a prominent name in society. She was someone people looked up to, high enough up in the circles that people recognised her name at least. Sure, maybe it was her marital surname they recognised, but it was still her name. It had been for a few years now. She’d just about cracked her signature, falling away from slipping into signing important documents with N. Hodges, and gotted used to being referred to Mrs Cracknell, wife of Frederick Cracknell III. 

          As she slipped her coat off and hung it up in the coat closet, Nova paused for a moment to listen to the house. The sound of the TV indicated that Freddie was home. For a split second, she was disappointed. Then, she reminded herself of Dom’s words. The accusation that she didn’t love her husband. She wasn’t someone who would marry someone she didn’t love, was she? Sure, marriage wasn’t idyllic, but everyone said that. Marriage is hard, you won’t always love each other but as long as you like each other... Someone had said that at some point. Maybe it was her mother. Although, that didn’t really work. Nova’s parents were smitten with each other and still looked at each other like they were newlyweds. They had this beautiful, idyllic love that Nova had craved. Part of her hated them for having such an incredible relationship. It was a lot to live up to. But then, Luna got married to a successful, well known, amazing man. They had children. They were very much in love and happy. So perhaps the problem was simply with her. Maybe she did love Freddie in that way, she just couldn’t see it form her own perspective. But then, why would Dom have pointed that out if she was in love with her husband?

          Taking a deep breath the dispel the unpleasant question invading her thoughts, Nova headed down the corridor towards the lounge. For only a split second, she paused in front of the door to brace herself for whatever interaction she was about to have. After all, it wasn’t often she wasn’t home when Freddie came back. And she hadn’t checked her phone to see if he’d been worried about her. “If I’d had known you’d be home tonight, I would have been here.” Her voice was soft, the dutiful wife character she played so well taking over as a somewhat forced adoring smile fell over her features. Externally, she looked content with life, she was sure. Content with her husband, still in his expensive tailor made suit, lounging around the lounge that she’d just finished redecorating - although she doubted he’d noticed - watching cricket he’d recorded and filled their Sky box up with. Internally, however, there was a strange disgust. Disgust at the way his glass of whiskey was next to the coaster. Disgust at the fact he’d removed his shoes and not bothered to take them upstairs, or at least to the coat closet. Not only that, but his socks were laying next to said shoes on the brand new rug. And had he looked up upon hearing her come home? Of course not.

          And then. “I thought you were upstairs.” Her face faltered for just a moment. The last she’d checked, it was nearing midnight. Perhaps it was already Saturday. And Freddie hadn’t even cared that she wasn’t there. Instead of acting offended, however, Nova simply shifted to perch on the arm of the sofa. Her fingers immediately moved to run through Freddie’s hair in some strange robotic affection. She knew it was something people did when they were smitten with each other, so she’d adopted it. Maybe the more she did these little things, performed these affectionate and loving gestures, then maybe she could trick herself. “I was out with a friend,” she counted, the same soft voice retained. Truly, she felt pathetic trying to coax herself into loving a man she couldn’t stand. Dom was surely right in that sense, wasn’t he?  But she had to have loved him at some point. She had to have felt something to trap herself in this life. She wasn’t some shallow princess who only married to never have to work a day in her life and be able to fill her wardrobes with custom pieces from designers.

          As that thread of thought passed through her mind, Nova shifted to press a kiss to Freddie’s forehead. For a second, there was some hope as Freddie turned to look at her. But the kiss she received in return left her feeling nothing. It felt like just a gesture, like waving at a stranger. Ever the dutiful wife, however, Nova returned the affection with a soft smile. “I’m going to get ready for bed. Are you going to be up late?” She didn’t have to wait for the answer. It’s almost over, I’ll be up then. He would say. Yet he’d end up falling asleep on the sofa after drinking too much and shouting too loudly at the TV, three matches down the line. And she wasn’t even mad about it. In fact, she liked knowing that she wasn’t going to have to throw some facade on to please him or spend a night staring at the ceiling listening to his snoring while considering how truly bad it would be to murder him and how easy it would be to get away with it. 

          Her smile remained fixed on her face as she reached to squeeze his hand out of habit and stood back up. As she turned to leave the room, not without another glance at his shoes and socks littering the place, she paused. “I love you.” It was too easy to lie. And that’s what it was entirely. She felt nothing for the man she was stuck with for life. Absolutely nothing. She could have said anything and had the same feeling. The sky is blue. I drink water. Tomatoes are fruits. Yet, the most frightening part was the ease in which she adopted this character as soon as she was around him. Maybe it had become that easy because she’d kidded herself into believing it too. Despite being notoriously stubborn, maybe she’d managed to trick her mind into at least acting like she loved Freddie. Acting like she got those butterflies from him and not some man who had killed himself before their first date, appeared years down the line alive with this haunted feeling about him. Acting like she was so happy in the prison she’d made for herself. If it wasn’t the cheap food she’d eaten, or the alcohol she’d consumed, that was enough to make her feel sick as she ascended the stairs. If Dom was right, then she wasn’t entirely sure of who she was anymore.

[universeconspired]

"Eh, Canadians punch a whole lot harder."

          “Oh, I’m so glad we’ve established Italians don’t punch up to Canadian standards.” Despite the sarcasm lacing her tone, there was a slight hint of a smile lifting the corners of Nova’s mouth. Violence was never her thing. In fact, she’d always found it a turn off whenever any of the guys she knew and remotely found attractive ended up getting into some form of brawl. But there was just something about a slightly dishevelled Dom that had her questioning that logic entirely. Of course, her prior relationship - if she could even call this holiday fling a relationship - had been with someone who was entirely Dom’s opposite. The mere idea of Freddie physically fighting someone brought a bubble of laughter through her chest, released from her in a somewhat amused sigh. He didn’t have that street smart attitude about him like Dom did. He didn’t have that natural air of don’t mess with me, I’m dangerous but instead more of a don’t mess with me, I have money and I know important people, which was decidedly more pathetic. Then again, Nova herself fit into that latter category. She’d never punched anyone, never taken a punch. The worst she’d experienced was Luna brushing her hair a little too roughly.

           Nova’s face screwed up in sympathy and apology as her thumb gingerly brushed over the mark sitting proudly on Dom’s cheekbone. It would have made anyone who knew her laugh over just how entranced she was by the entire scenario, the fact that Dom hadn’t cared one bit about stepping between her and a pushy local. Perhaps it said more about her than she’d first realised - maybe being some damsel in distress was her thing. Although that certainly went against her new ideology of being a strong, independent career woman who could look after herself and did crazy things like going on holiday on a whim and travelling across Europe. Then again, maybe it was just this strange feeling from the very second she’d met Dom that was turning things on its head. After all, there had been this magnetic pull from the start that had truly swept her up in ways she couldn’t describe. 

          And, then, there was comparing Dom against Freddie - Freddie who would have simply gotten mad at her for “flirting” with the local instead of noticing that she was uncomfortable with his persistence - that was night and day. Did that mean she liked the fact Dom had walked head first into a physical fight over the scenario? Of course not. But the part of her that was frustrated with those turn of events and had her mother’s voice ringing in her ear (“This is not what we do, Nova. These are not the people we associate with!”) was drowned out by some weird fascination and appreciation for this idiotic Canadian hero.

          “You know, I’m not a nurse,” she confessed playfully, voice kept low while her gaze continued to follow the path of her delicate fingers over the minor injuries. “And I’m almost entirely sure Hollywood movies would have me doing all of these very sweet things like magically finding some sort of cool pack for swellings.” Her head tilted slightly as her eyes fell on Dom’s lips for just a second - the small split from being caught in an apparently not-so-Canadian-bad punch had stopped bleeding. It would be far too cliché to kiss him right then. It would reward behaviour that she wasn’t entirely happy about. And the concerned side of her should have been far more worried about hurting him or opening the split back up. Yet the overruling selfishness she had was screaming at her to stop being such an idiot and just kiss him. Instead, however, she sunk her top teeth into her bottom lip just slightly and lifted her focus to Dom’s eyes instead. Self control was something she was going to have to work on - not getting so swept up in these moments considering they wouldn’t last and she would be left heartbroken and sobbing over petri dishes filled with microorganisms.

          “Do you often take a few punches for women you’ve just met?” A playful slight shake of the head showing her slight disapproval at the action, while the juxtaposing smile twitching the corners of her mouth gave away the battle of her feelings on the matter. Nova’s hand dropped then, falling into her lap slowly as she straightened up her spine - another nagging comment from her mother about how her posture was the reason she and Freddie never worked out hitting her. “I do believe you’ll live. It was merely a few Italian punches. I feel sorry for the other guy. He may be in critical condition.” Clearing her throat, Nova turned to grab her jacket and bag from the step next to her before rising to her feet. “And, in that case, I think you’re still obliged to walk me back to my hotel. No jealous spat is going to get you out of that duty, I’m afraid.”

[universeconspired]

[universeconspired]

Description

Holt Manor is a significant Grade II listed manor house which dates back to the 17th century with later additions in the 18th and 19th centuries. The house sits in an extremely private and peaceful setting on the edge of the village of Holt.

The house is approached over a gravelled carriage drive through impressive entrance gates to a turning circle which reveals a stunning picture of a very pretty house. The driveway continues to a courtyard to the side of the house which is surrounded by outbuildings. The house is constructed of traditional stone with a Welsh slate roof. The house has been modernised beautifully and has retained all of its charm and character, including original sash windows and high ceilings. The accommodation at Holt Manor flows very neatly, the impressive hallway is at the heart of the house with a fine cantilevered staircase which leads to the galleried landing. The principal drawing room has five French doors which lead out to a beautiful formal garden with charming views of the parkland beyond. The dining room leads from the opposite side of the hallway, and gives access to the library and study. Near to the family sitting room and playroom the kitchen is perfect for family life and is fully equipped with integrated appliances. From the kitchen there are excellent views of the walled garden. Domestically the large boot room and utility room are beyond the kitchen and a vital part of family life. Upstairs the master bedroom has a lovely view of the gardens and parklands to the east and south. This bedroom is filled with a wealth of early morning light. The impressive bathroom leads to an excellent dressing room. There are 4 further bedrooms (3 en-suite) on the fi rst fl oor, a further family bathroom and 2 separate dressing rooms. The second floor offers an attic flat with sitting room, 2 bedrooms and bathroom perfect for guests or teenage children. Holt Manor is located in a private and peaceful setting on the edge of the village of Holt, in a part of Wiltshire known for its pretty villages and large country estates. It sits in an elevated position, enjoying beautiful views over its parkland and the surrounding countryside. The historic town of Bradford-on-Avon is 3 miles away and is famed for its Georgian architecture and historic bridge over the River Avon. It has excellent local shopping and an array of superb restaurants. Further afield is the Georgian City of Bath which offers an extensive range of amenities including shopping, restaurants and theatre. There is Premiership rugby on the Recreation Ground and Bath also has two excellent universities. The area is renowned for its well regarded schooling with Stonar School within 3 miles. In addition Prior Park, King Edwards, Monkton Combe, Kingswood and The Royal High School all in Bath. Further afield are St Mary’s Calne, Dauntseys, Millfield and Marlborough College. There are also good state schools in the area. Road and rail links from Holt Manor are excellent. There is a regular service to London Paddington both from Chippenham and Bath Spa stations. Access to the M4 is via junction 17 (15 miles) providing a fast link to Bristol, London and Heathrow Airport. Bristol Airport is 30 miles away. Gardens and Grounds The gardens at Holt Manor have been designed and maintained beautifully over the years. The gardens are separated from the parkland on the eastern boundary by a stone ha-ha. The main terrace, which leads from the drawing room, overlooks the Italianate garden and parkland beyond. Neat gravel paths intersect the immaculate lawns. The terrace leads through to an arboretum which provides a peaceful woodland walk surrounded by a number of mature deciduous trees. The walled garden to the rear of the house is a perfect hideaway, with intricate planting, a neat vegetable garden and an automatic watering system. Beyond the walled garden is an orchard with a number of mature fruit trees and the hard tennis court. Outbuildings There are a number of beautifully constructed and maintained outbuildings at Holt Manor. Directly north of the main house is a former Brew House and nearby is a former stone built stable block of similar proportions.

[universeconspired]

"Maybe I'm in love with you."

          Nova would have been lying if she said she wasn’t some typical romantic. She was the kind of girl who wished her life would be a romantic comedy to last the ages, impossibly perfect and with this overwhelming passion that took over and left her doing crazy things. Of course, the logical side of her knew that was never going to happen. Life wasn’t some Hollywood adaptation where everything was painted with a rosey tint and there was some marvellous happily ever after. It was probably why she’d put up with Freddie for so long - he was everything she should have wanted and so that seemed good enough, despite feeling nothing for him and not seeing any future with him. Up until this moment, somewhat tipsily stirring her cocktail with the obnoxiously luminous straw, Nova was half convinced that she would go back to him eventually. Freddie was a safety net. Her parents liked him. He ran in the same circle of acquaintances. She wouldn’t have to worry about money. Sure, she’d probably have to actually brush her hair a lot more often and wear make up just to run to the shops and wear uncomfortable clothes, but... He was what she was supposed to want after her wild escape from reality, travelling Europe in some rebellion with a handful of her friends.

          Of course, then she met Dom. Everything she shouldn’t have wanted. And yet, there she was almost two cocktails down and in her tipsy bliss, flirting away and so swept up in the moment. It had only been a few weeks tops - maybe less, considering she’d lost track of the days since they met with staying up all night talking and being dragged to do things she would have never dared to do. Those words from Freddie had left her smiling politely. They never sounded sincere and she’d never had any sort of reaction, despite there being some giant declaration alongside cliché red roses - certainly not her favourite flowers at all. Yet, Dom, even with this coy little phrase, ignited this overwhelming almost school girl flush of a reaction. Her heart felt like it was skipping beats in some happy little flutter, her cheeks were aching with the smile that she couldn’t stop from spreading and, god, she probably looked so ridiculous in this little smitten, flirty and giggly way. While Nova was never self conscious per se, she certainly wasn’t overly confident either. Just basking in the middle. And, yet, her eyes never left Dom’s as she searched with the slight hint of doubt and wanting to make sure what he said was sincere.

          Still, she couldn’t help but let out a small laugh while shaking her head. This was ridiculous. No one fell in love this quickly. That was the Hollywood version of love that didn’t exist. “You barely know me,” Nova countered back, although the smile was still perched on her lips as she took a small sip of the cocktail. Hopefully the lighting in the bar was dim enough to not give away how much she was blushing, and if lighting wasn’t on her side then she sure as hell hoped that the excuse of alcohol causing her to flush was. “I could be an absolute monster outside of Italy. Maybe I’m only a pleasant person when I’m being fed pasta on the regular.” It was almost too easy to joke about the moment, despite it being a serious point. They didn’t really know each other. Despite all of the nights they’d spent awake talking about their favourite this or that or places they wanted to go or sharing little snippets about their real lives away from holiday mode, they couldn’t possibly know everything. Hell, Dom didn’t know about the scar on her elbow from when her sister’s pony bit her arm because she refused to give up her last spearmint Polo. He didn’t know that she couldn’t stand wearing socks to bed. He didn’t know that she brushed her teeth in the shower. Any one of those things could break this spell and leave him regretting those words.

          Of course, Nova didn’t want that at all. She would happily put up with too hot feet and making up some cooler, less selfish sounding story for her scar - maybe one that made her sound less sheltered - and maybe she would stick to the sink to brush her teeth like the average person. Dom was like this drug she was hooked on and desperate to have, especially when he came out with little things like that. Her teeth hooked onto her bottom lip sheepishly as she shifted to bump their shoulders together in some strange - blaming it on the cocktails - mock nuzzle. “You know... Maybe I’m in love with you, too.” Even though the alcohol typically had her less aware of her volume control, the words were softly spoken. Just loud enough to be heard over the rest of the bar and the background music. Soft enough to be very raw and open and honest, rather than her prior jovial tone. It wasn’t as if she’d ever been in love. Perhaps in the beginning of her relationship with Freddie, she’d believed she was in love. That was more being relieved that her mother wasn’t harassing her to find someone to date that everyone would approve of, in hindsight. Yet, she had the distinct feeling that this overwhelming mix of every emotion imaginable and all of these involuntary reactions and loss of control and happiness? That had to be love. 

[universeconspired]

" . . . Are you late?"

          Hiding anything from Dom had never gone well. Besides being an absolutely horrific liar with the complete opposite of a poker face, he knew her far too well to be able to pull the wool over his eyes. Truthfully, she’d been somewhat freaking out since she’d received the notification - a helpful reminder she’d installed to ensure the embarrassing run out of tampons fiasco from her second year exams didn’t happen again - on the chip a week and a half ago. At first, she’d chalked it up to stress at work and a chance in her sleep schedule. These things happened, her body was exhausted and energy was being used elsewhere rather than determined to throw some hissy fit because she wasn’t suddenly a spaceship for some tiny human. As the days ticked by and with every snoozed notification on her tracker, there was this growing bubble of anxiety lodged in the pit of her stomach.

          Children hadn’t really been a topic of discussion for them yet. Maybe a passing comment here and there whenever Nova was awkwardly handed her nephew and had to fake some maternal instincts to stop her mother from watching with that judging scowl. It wasn’t that she didn’t like children, it was simply that her natural abilities with people didn’t seem to extend to the younger and way younger people. Plus, her life had been so dedicated to forging a name for herself in her field of work... She’d never really considered marriage seriously until Dom came along and she was entirely swept off her feet. Children was still a stretch, but not so terrifying. Approaching that subject with Dom, however, was something she’d been mulling over for days.

          Had she been sensible, Nova would have stopped by Boots on her way home after work and grabbed a pregnancy test to settle that ping pong battle of emotions raging inside of her. That, and she would have told Dom on day one. It was probably a little obvious that she’d not even opened the box of wine Dom had brought home five days ago - complaining about her boss over a glass or three was a Thursday ritual... And yet she’d simply made an excuse about having a headache, like some 1950s housewife trying to get the straying hands of her husband off her. She had to at least give her husband credit for not being oblivious like so many of her friends’ partners. That simply mixed guilt into that slight churn of anxiety in the pit of her stomach, leaving a sheepish and somewhat apologetic smile falling over her face. Lying wasn’t an option. Pretending she had no clue she was late, despite constantly boasting that she was as predictable and punctual as clockwork far too often after one too many glasses and anyone mentioned a pregnancy scare, wasn’t an option.

          “A little.” An understatement, really. If she was pregnant, then she was well on her way to being two months into the whole thing. Which was basically a quarter of the way there. A little didn’t really cover it at all. And maybe that bout of nausea from the questionable gyros hadn’t been the gyros’ fault at all. “Well. A week.” The sheepish expression had completely melted into her oh so terrible please don’t be mad face that often was reserved for tea spillages and moments when she’d forgotten to take the laundry out of the washing machine for days. It probably wasn’t suited to this moment at all, but her internal freak out was leaving her a little less than apt at figuring out the best point of call. She’d always been incredibly sensible and strict about birth control, then again she had taken antibiotics not too long back. Was that a month back? Maybe two?

           “Well... Nearly two, I guess?” Her top teeth dragged over her bottom lip as she shifted and clambered in the least elegant way off the bed to grab Dom’s hands. “Please don’t be mad. I wanted to find out before hopes were raised or we had decisions to make and...” Making some excuse about not having time to stop by and grab a pregnancy test was clearly a lie considering she’d had time to spend a little frivolously on new make up and shoes over the last few weeks - stress purchases for dealing with this situation, clearly.

          “What if I am?” Finally, her gaze lifted to meet Dom’s eyes. It was all fine and dandy making little jokes or acting sheepish about the whole thing, but there was this level of fear bubbling away. Dom? She knew he’d be an incredible father. Without a doubt in her mind, he would take to it like a duck to water. Herself, on the other hand? A self confessed career woman who enjoyed the freedom of being able to pack a weekend bag and end up in the South of France on a whim? Maybe she wasn’t suited to be a mother. Then again, if there was anyone she would have a family with, it would be Dom. Preferably not while she was in the middle of a groundbreaking research project, but she couldn’t be too choosey. 

          “I mean... Our five year plan looked more like a travel documentary listing than preparing to be parents or focusing on family so...” It was almost impossible for Nova not to resort to biting her lip or falling into that need for some sort of approval or sign that they were okay regardless of what happened from that point as she trailed off. Normally, she was fairly confident in handling situations like these. But there was something about the possibility of them being actual parents that had rendered her this pathetic version of herself, back when she would join any club just for her parents to cheer her on and give their approval. “Yeah... Late and terrified?”

[universeconspired]

"Wow, I guess you really are what you eat here. Explains why he's such a fucking pussy. Or wait— he probably DOESN'T, does he?"

          Perhaps it was the amount of wine. Perhaps it was the fact she wasn’t following her usual Thursday routine. Perhaps there had been some secret brain surgery she’d undergone and never noticed. Dom’s comments usually left her less than impressed. They typically ended up ruffling her feathers, leaving her regretting giving him the time of day and weirdly wanting to retreat back into her mundane and pathetic existence at the hands of Freddie. Yet, there wasn’t even remotely a part of her that was angered by the dig at her husband. Nova could blame her lack of the typical defence on the not-so-fresh London air. Or the wine - god, she’d drank far too much wine. Perhaps it wasn’t entirely farfetched of her to blame it on the slightly muggy humidity of the Summer creeping into London and leaving the nights just a little uncomfortable. Whatever reason it was, there had been some strange shift that evening. 

          Never in a million years had Nova expected she would be sat on a rooftop in a particularly sketchy part of the city after having taken the tube. Nor did she expect to be sitting on said rooftop, rather more than just tipsy while cradling a mug of wine in her hands and brushing shoulders with someone she’d been convinced had been stalking her a mere few weeks previously. And, yet, there she was letting out such a genuinely amused laugh against the rim of the mug. A slightly self conscious clenching of her fingers left her rings lightly scraping against the ceramic - if it was even ceramic - as she let herself go. It would have been easy to fall back into her usual role: The dutiful wife, supporting her wonderful and highly successful husband with elegance and diplomacy. Certainly quite the opposite to snorting into some cheap wine picked up from Tesco and discussing her sex life with said husband that had already received quite the verbal bashing over the course of the evening. Well, and then downing said wine for some extra liquid courage.

          “I can’t comment on his extra curricular activities.” There was a certain blunt truth to her response, wine lowered to rest against her knee while her bare feet curled further underneath her. Truly, while this was all very freeing and leaving Nova more relaxed than she’d felt in years, there was a vulnerability in laying out all of her dirty laundry. However, she was frustrated. Nova wasn’t stupid. Any time Freddie was away on business or spending an evening with the guys, she was aware that it was a plain and simple lie at least half of the time. It would have been easy to play vindictive wife, finding the lipstick on the collar and cheap perfume, blonde hair, chips of nail polish… He probably thought he was clever when he wasn’t subtle at all. Clearing her throat, Nova shifted to lean slightly against Dom. There was a strange energy in the touch, a low thrum of electricity that left her addicted and curious about if it would intensify or not. Still, she was too cautious about really destroying her reputation to push it too far.

          “But I sure hope he puts more effort in with them than with me.” Nova could practically hear her mother’s mortified squealing. For as unhappy as Nova was, her mother adored Freddie. She adored being connected to the Cracknell family. She adored being able to mention that Freddie was her son-in-law. Hell, she adored that Freddie had persuaded her away from a continued life of academia and research that was apparently so unfitting for someone of her caliber and attractiveness. While she certainly wasn’t Luna, she wasn’t hopeless in the looks department - a sentiment she was reminded of regularly as an argument for her continuing her studies in favour of truly settling and having children. Yet, right now she held such regret for settling for Freddie. A man who clearly held no interest in the fact his wife was an intelligent human being. A man who had no interest in the fact she had needs that weren’t satisfied. She had a threshold for attention that was never met and this disgusting emptiness in her life despite all of the material things both herself and Freddie had thrown at it.

          A sigh left her, top teeth brushing against her bottom lip in a crack of her facade - well, until she remembered it would completely destroy her lipstick. Whether it was the wine, the conversation or the weird energetic brush of their shoulders, Nova was feeling extremely warm. It was easy enough to convince herself it was the wine, leaving her leaning her head to the side a little to rest against Dom’s shoulder while her eyes closed. All it took was a few breaths to rectify just how drunk she was and reign that back in. Divulging her private life wasn’t smart. She was better than that. Yet, when her eyes opened again as she sat back upright, a breathless laugh left her just as a thought struck her mind. 

“I dare say my appeal left me around the time he said ‘I do’. No effort needed after that. It’s what comes with marriage, isn’t it?” Some level of naivety laced her tone, although it was swirled with this uncharacteristic bitter sarcasm. After all, she’d only ever really been with Freddie. It was what she should have expected instead of some ridiculous over the top romance and love that would keep her swept of her feet and satisfied. That wasn’t reality. Yet she’d always felt like there had to be more than what she had. “This is like one giant, expensive deterrent,” Nova continued, wriggling the fingers of her left hand with a slightly bitter huff. While her mind was telling her to stop, there was some filter missing that left her unable to actually stop spilling all of the things she hated about her life. “Husband included, apparently.” 

[universeconspired]

"I've got you, it's okay."

          There had been many times in Nova’s life where her stubbornness had come back to bite her. Right now had been no exception. Determined to spend her last however long doing things that would create lasting memories, Nova had planned a fantastic day for her and Dom; their favourite restaurants, favourite parts of London and a few little dates thrown into one beautiful day. If she was going to be the dead wife soon enough, then she wanted him to at least remember her not going out as some frail and hollow version of herself. Not a chance. She would be the spirited and adventurous woman he fell in love with until the very end, discomfort be damned. So, maybe it had taken her a little longer than usual to get dressed in something that didn’t show off the worrying weight loss but still made her look like she’d made an effort and looked well. Thank goodness for her make up collection making her look less sick and far more like her old self. The hours spent exhausting herself to apply fake tan the previous day while Dom had been working had been so worth it to take away that sickly pale glow she’d seen in the mirror.

          So, maybe she hadn’t been hungry. In fact, sitting in the first breakfast place had left her stomach rolling unpleasantly at the sweet smell of pancakes mixed with the smokiness of bacon and savoury eggs. Ordering just a side dish of fruit salad had come with excuses about not wanting to fill herself up when they had so many more places to go. Eating that small bowl of fruit had been a painful reminder of how stubborn she could be; fighting against her own body to refuse to give in to the nausea or the slow building pounding headache that left her vision swimming unpleasantly every now and then. Instead, she plastered on a smile and continued to spend time holding Dom’s hand, making little promises and sharing sweet little compliments and joking stories. Reminding him how much he was loved felt important now that she’d accepted that she wouldn’t be around much longer. A few months tops. And even then Nova would have preferred to go out while she was still kicking rather than a frail and dependent person hooked up to machines. 

          Breakfast turned to lunch, mixed with a wander around the museum - where she spent a lot of time perched on benches, to catch her breath and try and control the vertigo threatening her every ten steps or so, under the guise of admiring the paintings and sculptures. Of course, she didn’t think Dom would believe her. She’d never had much interest in pretentious art other than playfully joking about what she saw. Playing art critic was a favourite game, one brought back from their days in Italy at the very beginning of their relationship. Lunch was another trial in how much she could force herself to eat - not quite as much as breakfast, but still something to try and defer from seeing that concern cross over Dom’s face again. 

          Nova’s mother had always said that her stubbornness would be her downfall one day and land her in a world of trouble. Had she not felt so rotten, she possibly would have laughed at that very notion. One second she was walking along beside Dom, clinging to his hand to gain some stability while they waited for the next tube to turn up and take them to the next location on the list. The next, she was embarrassingly cradled in his arms on the tube floor after her legs gave way and her mind blacked out for a brief moment. While in her youth, she would have been mortified, the past few years with Dom had left her somewhat shameless. It normally wouldn’t have gotten to her. Yet as she came to, the frustration and embarrassment at ruining their day and drawing in quite the concerned crowd left her eyes misting up as she turned to bury her face against Dom’s chest. Even his comforting words, the fact he was holding her so tightly and she knew he wasn’t mad still didn’t compensate for how awful she felt.

          One day. One where she felt normal and they could go on their usual adventures. It was all she wanted. After a week of resting, or feeling so terrible and barely leaving the flat, didn’t she deserve one day with the love of her life to just live and enjoy her last moments? Was the Universe really so rotten as to make her a prisoner inside her poisoned body? Swallowing sharply, she shifted a shaking hand to clutch at Dom’s jacket as a soft sob left her. If she wasn’t an embarrassment before now, then openly crying when she wasn’t a crier certainly hit the nail on the head there. She couldn’t even bring herself to murmur apologies that would be met with Dom’s protests. Maybe the whole pretending to be normal thing was a stupid idea. But Dom remembering her like this was never her plan. God, he deserved so much better. She would rather a quick loss, no matter how painful in that moment, where he could remember her as she was. Instead, she was left in this torture of a drawn out gradual weakening and loss of everything that made her so Nova.