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[university-crush]

[university-crush]

sooo i haven’t post for a long time. i guess my obssesion got less severe lmao. although i shook his hand when i successfully defended my thesis!!!!! that was cool!

i got into phd program and my new advisor is very cool, he’s like 40-50, he’s very cool but i don’t have any feelings towards him, although i really like him!! in other news: i’m going to academic conference on monday and R will be there and it’s possible that i will be seeing him everyday from monday to saturday so i’ll see if i’ve some feelings left, although i want to focus on my phd thesis lol

[university-crush]

i’m having the worst birthday ever, which is partly my fault. i wanted to say it someone but i didn’t want my friends or family to worry so i’m just putting this here lol.

i didn’t really planned to go anywhere but i wanted to go to the art gallery or go out for dinner and i hoped that maybe my bf (yes i have a bf but lately he’s really distant) or my parents would take me somewhere but no. they got drunk yesterday and they’re too hungover to go anywhere. i spent all day crying while my boyfriend slept till 4 pm.

some of my friends remembered and i got wishes from them so it’s not that bad but damn sitting all day in my room, sun setting so early and having nothing fun to do on your birthday is just shitty. i’m still very sad and i’m afraid that someone will ask me tomorrow how my birthday went and i’ll just start crying or something i’d hate that.

[university-crush]

he annoys me so much, im not sure if my crush is fading away or what

[university-crush]

i dreamt about him again

we were just sitting in his office and i fell asleep and he just let me nap there on his chair it was so cute i was so sad when i woke up

yesterday he told me that he’ll give me his books about my thesis, he said that they’re just lying in his basement and he doesn’t need them so i can have them it was soo nice :))) and we also talked about feyerabend’s autobiography and he said he read that a long time ago but he remembered it well. he told me to read that and OF COURSE feyerabend married his 28 years old younger (!!) student and i keep wondering if R recommended me this on purpose for real

i’m going to see him in his visiting hours i hope that we can talk about this book more because JDJSKCXHSKSNS

[university-crush]

omg so a week ago i visited R to talk about my thesis and i was so stressed and embarrassed i felt my face was sooo fucking red which really didn’t help with my confidence but i calmed down pretty quickly. he was so nice and we talked about different things and he recommended me feyerabend’s autobiography, not like for my thesis, just as a book to read. i started reading it and realised that feyerabend married his 28 years younger student and i was like YOOOOO???? why did you recommended this to me!? i’m wondering if he meant anything

also i went for a lecture of one of my teachers (he is such a nice dude) and R was there. i kept looking at him and i swear he kept looking at me too!! and when there was something funny said we were instantly looking at each other that was so nice

i wonder how he’s doing i want to see him so much

[university-crush]

I wanna be his favorite SO BAD

[university-crush]

i love to absolutely humiliate myself <3

[university-crush]

bruh the fuck i saw him when i was out with my friend smoking on the break and i suddenly thought i should look behind me

and THERE HE FUCKING WAS!!! R looked at me too probably because i was laughing really loudly and i was so stunned and he was like 30 meters away so i nodded at him and mouthed “good afternoon” and he did the same but without a smile (and i just smiled automatically when i saw him) and then i noticed a girl beside him??? she was around my age maybe few years older and i was like the fuck??? at first i thought that it was his phd student (i know that one person is his phd student) but when they walked away i realised that it wasn’t her because i met her once????????

WHO the FUCK was it like bruh i know he has a daughter and hope that it was her because if not i’ll be fucking fuming!! when my and R’s eyes met he looked… sad?? or guilty? or maybe im projecting idk i don’t even want to think about that rn i have enough stress already

[university-crush]

i don’t even have time to scratch my own ass BUT i have time to shitpost on tumblr

i had class with him today and we talked about my title and he kept smiling and laughing randomly which is not really like him but ok??? maybe he just finds me funny and those bits of kindness and compliments come from just him being amused by me???? fuck me

i was still hurt from him roasting me in his email but when i stayed after class because i can’t pack my shit fast enough he asked me about my club and he seemed genuinely interested and sad that we have no time in our schedules to keep this thing going. he can be so nice and caring when he wants but he rarely wants to lol

he told me to read a whole book to finally choose my topic when i literally gave him like three topics and he said that they’re boring like my brother in christ you proposed like two of these?? i can’t with this man i swear but at the same time i feel more drawn to him than ever he’s just so funny when he does his little manly things like forgetting fucking everything and showing no empathy!! he’s smart tho i’ll give him that. and he knows like A LOT about what i want to write sooo yeah.

i just love him

[university-crush]

i feel like i’m “pathetic” sometimes. i mean, i’m a teachers pet for him, study for hours just to get a “good job” from him and always dressing nicely for him to notice. i do all of that even though i know i don’t have chance w him.

[university-crush]

[university-crush]

R just keeps roasting me wtf. i wrote him an email about our class and i gave him my proposition of my master’s thesis’ title and i wrote something like “it’s not really catchy and it’s a little bit awkward” and he responded with his casual coldness and wrote “so far your commentary on your title is accurate” like DAMN why are you so harsh!!!

i talked about it with my friend who’s doing postgraduate and she said he wouldn’t be like this if he had no hopes and expectations for me and i hope she’s right lmao

my university uploaded some photos from inauguration so i have like two or three pics with him (and like other four people lmao) but im pleased

idk man i think he doesn’t like for some reason. maybe it’s because i have this really annoying guy in class, he’s so full of himself and thinks he’s better than everyone else while being just straight up stupid and when he says some dumb shit in class i just look at my friend because we gossip about him a lot and maybe R noticed that and thinks we are bullying him or something idk. im not bullying anyone tho the fuck!

im so stressed and my cat may be sick and it just adds on. i wish R was more supportive and a little bit less critical

[university-crush]

oh my god im already so tired and aware of how much work i’ll have to do BUUUT

i saw him yesterday in the corridor but he only nodded to me so i felt like shit and i cried when i got home, i was so stressed because of the speech that i was supposed to give today but then i ate and felt better lmao

so today i had first class with him and before that we had official school year inauguration. i was terrified because i was expected to sit with all those important people (R included) behind the table and i was so fucking stressed when it was my turn to speak but all in all it went well, he even laughed at my pathetic jokes.

then we had the class and he started looking at me again and he was asking us about our master’s thesis’ topic and our supervisors and when he asked me i mumbled some shit but he seemed pretty impressed which is a great compliment because he’s rarely impressed lmao AND THEN HE ASKED IF NOTHING CHANGED ABOUT MY CHOISE OF SUPERVISOR AND HE LOOKED DEEP INTO MY EYES AND I JUST SAID “uh yes” AND THEN HE ASKED “so nothing changed?” and i said “nothing changed”

i understood this as that he noticed that im in love with him last semester and maybe he wasn’t sure if i still am after the summer????? omg if that’s the case then im going to FUCKING DIE i can’t wait when i’ll be able to talk with him one-on-one there’s so much tension between us (or maybe im just delusional but i hope not)

[university-crush]

bruh I will see him in Monday. that’s 3 days. I am not ready at all

the WHOLE summer I spent missing him and my university, but now, when it’s so close, I feel stressed – that's weird!! it’s like I need more time but damn it was three months. idk maybe just autism kicked in; I'm now used to not having classes, and I was feeling bad in the summer because I was used to HAVING classes AND I DONT LIKE CHANGES!!!!!! 

oh my GOD. I wonder how he looks after the summer. maybe we’ll be able to talk about what we were doing. I wonder if he’s tanned lol (but he’s a philosophy professor sooo lmao) I’m not tanned at all because I rarely left my house. 

jesus pray for me because I have NOTHING and I have to give a SPEECH in TUESDAY I AM NOT READY AT ALL. what if I'll make fool of myself in front of whole faculty and HIM. my anxiety is over the roof AAAAAAAA

[university-crush]

i’ll see him in less than two weeks!! the worst thing is i have to make little speech for inauguration which is just terrible but hey! maybe it’ll pay off when i’ll be trying to be grad student

my feelings for R are calmer after summer but they’re still here. can’t wait to talk with him about my thesis!

[university-crush]

i had a dream with him, finally

he told me he cant be my supervisor and i asked surprised why, and then he looked at me so intensely and i understood that he loved me

then i was taking of my sweater (not in sexual way just in general lol) and i lost my balance and he hugged me broooo i got so excited and thought “i’m going to post this on tumblr” and then i woke up lmao fml

just little over a month left until i see him