universityfailure

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JUSTICE HAS BEEN SERVED 

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Pet Researchers Confirm 100% Of Owners Who Leave For Work Never Coming Back

WASHINGTON—Announcing their findings amongst a series of whimpers and yelps, pet researchers confirmed Friday that 100 percent of owners who leave for work are never coming back. “Our data show conclusively that every human who says they’re going to work is, in fact, gone forever the very moment they shut the door behind them,” said a West Highland terrier named Nugget, adding that the findings applied equally to trips to the grocery store or the movies, both of which represented a decision to leave and never return again. “In fact, any instance in which an owner scratches a dog or cat on its head and says, ‘Be back soon, buddy!’ before exiting the house is a certain indication that the animal has been left to fend for itself and will eventually die unloved beside its empty food dish.” At press time, an elated Nugget danced on his hind legs, reporting that 100 percent of owners who pull into the driveway at the end of the day came back for their pets after all.

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Idk why this has me screaming

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kink; spitting blood out of my mouth, muttering ‘you fuck’ before aggressively making out w u against a cement wall

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*someone asks me to do something in my job, where i am paid to do things*

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i took a pic of me watching the pickle rick episode to piss people off but like somehow i managed to take the pic so that the frame on the tv was…. a different frame to the reflection on the desk?

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Wattpad fics be like;

I was asleep and my mom ran into my room, packing my clothes for me in my Aeropostale suitcase “Mom what are you doing” She looked at me and sighed, putting her cigarette out on her hand “They are here” I was confused, I rolled out my light purple stripped comforter and ruffled my long thick blonde hair with brown streaks in it “Who are” “Your new owners.” This is the story of how one direction bought me

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straight people: Should You Even Enjoy Your Spouse’s Company?

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stop it charles

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WASHINGTON—In the wake of a shooting in Sutherland Springs, TX that left at least 26 people dead and 20 wounded, the nation declared its intent Monday to wait for more facts on the mass slaughter before doing absolutely nothing about it. “We don’t want to jump to conclusions and get the facts wrong before we start ignoring it completely,” said Enid, OK resident Roger Benson, echoing the sentiments of 324 million other Americans who added they weren’t willing to do nothing whatsoever to address the country’s mass shooting epidemic until they learned more about the killer, including his possible connection to the church and his mental health background. “People have been speculating on social media, but that doesn’t do us any good unless we know the truth about his family life, and how and why he was able to acquire an assault weapon—otherwise, there’s just no way to neglect to address this shooting in the larger context of gun violence in America. We all need to take a deep breath, gather as much information as we can, and then sit with our hands folded indefinitely.” At press time, the nation conceded that even if a couple facts remained unknown, that shouldn’t stand in way of a concerted effort to simply wait for the next bloodbath.

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some important halloween costumes 

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happy epilogue day

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Funny Parenting Quotes from Comedians (see 8 more)