unknownhopeless

[unknownhopeless]

No matter how deeply you love them or how much you try, you can never turn the wrong person into the right one.

Hopefully, my life would be better.

[unknownhopeless]

Since you didn’t respond to my birthday wish, which is understandable, probably i just say my wish here eventho you would never read this.

Happy birthday, Emilie. Now you’re a year older, a year wiser. I’m not good at words, probably never will, but just wanna say that i know that you’re doing well. It hurts to say this but i know you’re doing well and happier without me. Not much here, I’m still trying to fill the empty void inside me. I still miss you, you know. Well, you don’t know, but you’ll know if you’re reading this somehow.

I’ve been thinking about what i did wrong, and i know it’s a lot. It’s too much. We probably aren’t meant for each other, but deep inside, i just can’t accept it. I still hoping for us, but it’s too late now. It seems that you finally have found someone that understands you. I really, really wish that i could truly understand you, but maybe it’s our difference that cause us to split, or most probably is that I’m being dishonest about my past.

I’m sorry for doing bad things, even if it is before i met you. Guess my past has been catching up to me. I don’t want to think what i would do if i get another chance from you, because i know it would never happen.

Lastly, i want to apologize. Not just because of my past, or my mistakes, because you already heard them too many times. I want to sorry because i still haven’t move on, because i know how precious you are. But i need to, because you already accept the fate, and i also need to swallow the truth. The fact that I’m just a nobody from your past.

Again, happy birthday, Emilie. I hope you found your happiness. Eventhough i wish that it’s not the same kind of happiness that we used to share together. May we meet again at another time, but not in another life. Because the life that i live, is the life where i get to be with you, even if it’s just for a while, it feels forever to me.

Sincerely,

The guy you used to know. Also, the guy who still hopes for something impossible.

[unknownhopeless]

It’s been months, and while i think I’m getting better, it kinda actually not. Have i moved on? Even i can’t answer that.

Do i still think of her?

Yeah.

How do i think of her?

As someone precious whom i let go of. And also as someone who i can’t even meet or interact anymore.

But she’s probably didn’t even think of me, i know I’m dead to her.

It might be a little late to say this but i know it’s almost impossible to be friends with someone who used to be the closest to me. Eventho i do wish i can still at least talk to her.

But i do ask myself, what if deep inside, i never moved on?

What am i able to do?

I guess, deep inside, I’m hopeless.

[unknownhopeless]

“Isn't it strange that we talk least about the things we think about most?”

― Charles Lindbergh

[unknownhopeless]

The fact that we fell apart because of me, the guilt is going to haunt me for some time. Deep inside, I’m fucked up.

Because i know, even if i had another chance, I’m still not going to change to become a better man. At least for now. And i don’t know why.

But what I’m sure of as of right now, i feel emotionless. Inside. Still going to show to everyone that I’m alright, still going to answer “I’m okay” eventhough it’s not.

Am i undeserving of love? When i already have you but didn’t treat you with enough love like i should have?

I don’t think i deserve it. When all i got is pure love from you, but i didn’t give the same to you.

I’m shit. I’m fucked up. The fact that there’s nothing i could do to have you back in my life, i really fucked up.

To be honest, i don’t even care if I’m your last choice. But I’m not even a person to you anymore. I’m just a somebody that you used to know.

I couldn’t even delete our conversations, our pictures, our videos. I don’t have the guts to do it. I’ll admit that.

People will say, it’s either you miss the person, or you actually miss the memories.

You’ve probably moved on, because i have become the person that you don’t want me to be. Sorry for being dishonest to you about my past. I shouldn’t do that. It’s just that i don’t have the comfort of sharing it to anyone. I should’ve told you right from the beginning.

I pray and wish for you, to meet someone that truly deserve you. Even if deep inside, i still wish that person is me, but reality hit me really hard. I could never become the person you hoped for. I know that you love a person who can connect with you, and understand you on a deeper level, even without you saying anything, but the person would still know what’s happening to you. It’s something that I’m unable to do when we’re together.

Just a note. I do wish, for one last time if i given the chance, i want to hold your hands, hug you tightly, and say “Thank you for be my baby. My tiut baby. I hope that even if our story ends here, my love for you will always be there.”

“Even if you don’t love me anymore.”

[unknownhopeless]

Honestly, i don’t even know if i have moved on.

I guess because I’m unsure of it, it might meant i haven’t moved on.

I still miss you, but there’s nothing i could do. I feel trapped. I feel empty. How in the hell can i feel both trapped and empty at the same time?

There would be times i would feel aimless in life. The amount of times i would feel it, getting more and more from day to day.

I just hope you would feel better, and never feel bad and discomfort like me. Yeah i have to admit that, without your presence, i feel uncomfortable with myself.

I guess that’s what i deserve tho.

[unknownhopeless]

I do wish i can still care for you.

I do miss you.

But i know, moving on is the only thing for me to do now. And i really hope you also do the same but better.

I hope you found someone who suits you well.

Guess i just keep on finding myself. My purpose.

I hope you’re happy as you should.

[unknownhopeless]

What she did, was correct.

[unknownhopeless]

Not exactly a diary if you can read this, right? I don’t care because it’s you.

I try to live my life as usual, but it feels empty. The fact that you won’t talk to me, makes the guilt much bigger. Because this time, it really feel that you don’t even want me to be part of your life. Even as a friend. Yeah, probably because I’m a big fat liar.

Sorry i messed up our relationship, and your life. And my life too. I never meant to do that, it’s just that i want some of my past to be past, don’t want to remember it, don’t even want anyone to know about it. It’s humiliating. I’m not proud of it. But i guess i supposedly open up about everything with someone whom i love.

I don’t know what to do, except just live my life normally on everyone’s eyes, eventhough it will always feel empty. I smile when talking to people, seems like looking good when i play sports, but all of that just to hide my emptiness. It’s truly feel empty, unknown, without a sense of direction.

I already lost someone precious by not appreciate that person enough. I lost my comfort person, and the worst of all, it’s not even her fault. That’s what makes it worse. Knowing i did something so wrong, that it is not reversible, no more chances i can have again.

I really hope you never lose trust in love. I know there’s someone out there who’s gonna match you, and love you more and greater than me. Maybe that person is the one who will love you more than infinity. It’s not that i don’t love you more than infinity, because i still am. But not as my significant other.

I never see you as someone who is bad, because you’re the nicest person with the purest heart that I’ve known. While I’m not a good person and definitely not someone with a good heart, i know you will meet someone who can truly be care for you as you want and that person can be someone who you overlook, feel a bit uncomfortable but still willing to be with you no matter what.

I really hope i can see you smile again, even if it’s not with me or because of me, because surely that won’t happen again. I always want you to be happy. I love seeing you happy, and i would do anything to see that again.

But i guess it’s already too late for that.

[unknownhopeless]

How stupid i am. If i truly love someone, i would tell her everything about myself. But it’s my past that i don’t even want anyone to know. Not even her. It’s a part of my past that I’m ashamed of. But there’s nothing i can do. Whether i like it or not, it’s already happened. What she felt right now, it’s the product of me not opening up to her since the early days we met. I’m sorry that i lied.

How are you feeling right now, you don’t deserve it. I’m sorry if i make you feel as in I’m betraying you, because i do think it is. When a mistake is too big and the only way of correcting the mistake is to accept the consequences, i guess that’s what I’m doing right now. I lost your trust, heck, i even lost your love. I lost faith in myself knowing that I’m nothing more than just a pathetic liar.

I wish our relationship can be more serious, of course, by me showing a lot of effort. Because you already did your part. I want us. But i guess it’s too late for that.

You’re right. A coward guy doesn’t even deserve kindness. Only a coward guy posts here sometimes and never make a drastic real change in his life.

Hope you’re good and well.

[unknownhopeless]

Never thought things would end. I really thought she’s the one. I still think of it that way. But why do i mistreat her in the first place? What happened to me? Breakup is something i never thought i would face, let alone with her. She has a pure heart, always will, while not me. I thought a lot of things that makes my life hard, but never thought that if i take her more seriously than i am before, things won’t be like this. From our first breakup, it’s where i thought we breakup, but it isn’t. That is actually her, giving me another chance, but i wasted it. This time, i know she really accept that I’m not the one who she loves anymore. I do feel the love is faded, but to be honest, the love is still there. I’m really sorry for breaking your heart, for breaking too many promises. And if i really love you, i wouldn’t raise my voice to you, knowing that you’re a very sensitive person. Eventho I’m annoyed that you insist want to go out with my friend, but still, i shouldn’t have done that.

For now, I’m going to live my life as it is, without you by my side. It’s still hard for me to swallow that, but one way or another, i still have to accept things as they are. Even as of right now, I’m not gonna deny it, i do feel empty. I still care for you, knowing that I’m just another guy that break your heart, i just want to do what i could to mend your heart, even if i know that you forgive my wrongdoings, but not forget it.

But i hope, you won’t forget all of our memories. Those memories that we made together, will always be precious to me no matter what. Despite the bad things that i did, i don’t want you to be afraid to love again. Love is good, and sometimes love does hurts. At times, it hurts really badly. But that is love. There’s no such thing as perfect love. I hope you found someone worthy of your love, who can make you feel precious, because you are precious.

If our path ever cross again, I’m still hoping that we can have another start at us. But i shouldn’t hoping too much, knowing that you might have already moved on. Deep in my heart, you’re still the one. But if there’s sign appear to me that you aren’t, or probably you meet someone and going to get married with him, it’s going to be a very hard truth for me to accept, but i have to. I hope you’re okay that we still be friends, because your presence always makes me happy.

Until then, i guess we walk our own path. Hopefully our path will cross again. You will always be my tiut baby in my heart, as long as you’re happy no matter what the circumstances. Sorry for not being able to make you happy, and understand you on a deeper level, which is actually the most important thing you need.

In a way, even from afar, i still love you. So, i wish nothing but the best from you. Even if one day when you meet someone who truly deserves you, it might hurt a bit but knowing you’re happy and in good hands, i will also and always be happy for you.

For now, this would be my last post. Until I’ve found a true purpose, i would post again. Because now, I’ve lost my true purpose. I’ll take my time, as long as i need, to search again for that true purpose.

Sincerely,

Azib.

[unknownhopeless]

Sorry for being not good enough for you.

Either I’m useless.

Or we were not meant to be.

Or both.

Maybe it’s true, that we might not be compatible.

You said that i don’t understand you.

And i also feel the same.

I’m not even feeling myself.

Eventhough deep inside, I’m still hoping that you could be my source of happiness.

Deep inside me, i still have the urge to bring you out from misery.

But i guess my urge and my actions are not the same.

I’m sorry, for causing your life much more worse.

I guess there’s no turning back now.

Sorry for making your hatred towards me too much.

If things gonna change after this, you still gonna have me on your back.

I still want you to succeed, as you should.

I still want you to have the life that you deserve.

Probably it’s better without me.

I’ll admit, I’m a shitty guy.

I guess i lost my way.

Towards you.

Towards God, especially.

I guess I’ll have to find Him first.

I still love you.

Need some time to myself, but i even thought of spending the time to search the reason to love you even more instead of myself.

Sorry for being the worst guy you’ve ever met.

Sorry for not understanding you fully, emotionally.

Sorry is just a word, but it is what i feel inside.

I’m sorry that you had to meet me.

Sorry that you had to be with me.

However, what we are right now, where you are right now, I’m gonna hold on to two things.

I love you, my tiut baby, more than infinity.

I’m always gonna be there for you.

[unknownhopeless]

It’s been awhile.

How have i become a bad lover?

Am i too stressed?

Am i too self centered?

Am i too frustrated?

Am i not being grateful enough?

I might lose her.

Probably already am.

What can i do if she already doesn’t have any feelings for me?

Why do i don’t understand her at all?

Deep in my heart, i just know that we just couldn’t understand each other. But i always thought that just by keep on holding to each other, things will be better. I need her to go through everything together.

But i guess I’m wrong.

I want her to understand me, that I’m not and never will be a perfect lover.

But now i understand.

She just wants me to be the good, one lover for her.

And somehow, i messed it up so much, that she’s had enough of it.

I still hope God will open her heart.

And what’s more important, i pray to God that i could understand her perfectly, or at least, understand her enough.

I did everything i could, to be honest, i worried too much of not having enough money, but then i realize im too worried of the unimportant things in my life too much.

It’s just that I’m worried that i would not be able to support her as i should.

If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it’s yours. If it does not come back, it was never meant to be.

Even if it doesn’t, my love for you would never fade away.

[unknownhopeless]

The things i would do for her.

Huh i wish i could ask her to move back here. Long distance sucks. But as of right now, she just got a job over there and eventhough it’s not what she likes, still proud of her.

Hoping all is well for her, and wishing she won’t forget me.

[unknownhopeless]

You can ignore reality. But you can’t ignore the consequences of ignoring reality.

Every passing minute is a chance to turn it all around.

Funnily enough, read the quotes from a YouTube video. Watching the ending from Vanilla Sky.

Just that. Nothing more. Just dwelling on my thoughts on the quote.

[unknownhopeless]

Just a short entry.

Today’s her birthday. But already pre-celebrate it last weekend.

The reality is we do not get to celebrate it on the exact day. But just make the best out of it during the time we together.

Just to more and more of us.

[unknownhopeless]

Man.

Never had i felt this kind of mixed emotions ever in my life. But then, this is life. Never goes the way you wanted when it needed the most.

Had a really, really nice weekend, spending the time with her. Not just her, but unexpectedly with her mom and her younger brother. But still, it’s good knowing them. I’m kinda glad that i get to know them.

We became much closer than the last time we met. Gave her a gift, something that she really craves. I don’t care what she thinks of it, but I’m just really glad that i could gave it to her as a gift. To be honest, it’s not that I don’t care what she thinks of the gift, actually I really hope she likes it. But we’ll get there on why i said that i don’t care what she thinks of it.

These three days I’m spending time with her, for her pre-birthday celebration (her birthday is on a weekday, so sadly i couldn’t be there for her special day, eventhough i really wanted to, just for the sake of seeing her happy face), it’s like I’m dreaming. Dreaming of her. Dreaming of us. Just living in the moment. Be happy. Just the two of us. Went to Van Gogh exhibition. Felt lively. It’s kinda ironic when you felt amazed by the arts and drawings of a painter whose life’s a tragedy. But it makes me think of something. To acknowledge and appreciate life, before it’s too late.

That’s what i feel about her.

Hoping that she knows and understand what i feel for her. It’s not that i want her to commit in a relationship with me, immediately. I understand that she’s still not ready to be in one. Still, the point is, i want her.

Before i left her hometown, before i sent her off to her home, i try to gain as much courage as i can to say the right words. But, as stupid as i am, that one hour (yes, my dumb brain is trying to think of a way to confess to her for 60 minutes) of silence mixed with a lil bit of joking, try and error, a bit of awkward moments that’s not that awkward actually (for me), comes with a weird conclusion. She said to me that, “you know I’m not looking for a relationship” and i said yes, i knew that. But she still wanna be friends with me. She can be my best friend. And I’m okay with that.

But not that okay.

It kinda confuses me.

Made me think, what have i done wrongly? Is it that I’m not saying the right words? Or is it just her that’s actually sees me as a really good friend, and i’m the only one in this that sees her as someone who could be more than friend?

The way she treats me, i see it differently. I see it as a girl who really cares about me, who really likes me. It’s like all the stars and the planets aligned, just for us. But maybe I’m just daydreaming a lot. Put too much expectations on myself.

Even with that happened to me, I’m not thinking of her badly. Not even a bit, eventhough I’m a bit disappointed. She’s really a good person. I see her as a beacon of light. The kind that would pull me out of my past. But maybe it’s just that i was hoping too much. Disappointed because she does not felt the same as me.

Being the naive guy that i am, i do think that i see her as a kind of person whose need to be convinced. Of me. I do think that with patience and perserverance, she would slowly sees me as what i hoped her to see me.

But i also need to realise, that the world doesn’t revolve around me. If it is truly what it is, that she sees me as a friend, nothing more than that, i need to accept it. If it’s true then, there’s only one thing i could think of.

Loving her is to make her happy.

Even if that means i didn’t get anything in return.

But i do get something in return tho. She makes me feel loved, as i never had felt before in my life. If it’s just a friendship, it’s a friendship that i will always cherish.

That’s why i don’t care of what she thinks of the gift. Or to be exact, what she thinks of me when she sees the gift. The gift is something that she really likes, but that’s not the point here. Just hoping that she would appreciate my efforts and lengths that i went, just for her.

Still, I’m looking forward to meet her again. To spend time with her again. I know that this won’t be the last time i meet her. Just hoping things won’t get awkward after i tried to confess to her.

At the very least, i still want to feel alive.

I still want to be loved.

By her.