unknownofk

[unknownofk]

Why is it when I communicate something and I’m letting you know that I am feeling just very triggered and just very angry. I have a lot of emotions that seem to be bottled up and I don’t understand why. Or where they’re coming from. But I do know that moving forward. I am going to damage our relationship if we stay on the phone too much because I’m still very hurt. I still have a lot of sadness and hurt and anger and it almost feels like the more I talk to you the more I get angry and me telling you that I can just feel like moving forward a very triggered by tonality and I’m having a hard time trusting the words that you’re saying because of everything that has been going on and when I can sense a shift in it just makes me feel a certain way and I get angry. But I get angry because I feel like you have no right to be angry at me. You should be treating me with so much kindness and gentleness but yet you can still find it in you to be irritated and lose patience. That’s what really just pisses me off and I feel that is so unfair that you think that you can talk to me in that way After everything you’ve done.

Yet, why at that moment you think that it’s OK for you to reassure me that that is not your intention. And then you go on to tell me that you’re tired, you could fall asleep on the couch right now if you wanted to. You are exhausted. And you didn’t meet any of that,

And honestly, to me that just sounds like excuses. You’re not reassuring me. You’re trying to prove to be and prove to yourself that you’re not doing anything wrong and when I hear this type of reassurance to be, it’s just you try to justify you didn’t do anything wrongand that makes me actually more irritated at you because that’s not reassurance.

[unknownofk]

Your behaavior is absolutely disgusting and you dont even want to acknowledge it. 

And im actually the dummy for being around and letting you act this way to me. 

Shame on me really. 

You have zero empathy or sympathy for me. Your own girlfriend. The person you claim to love, the love of your life. Wow, lol its like a joke honestly. Its like your narcissistic or something. 

I literary had nothing left to give. I’ve told you countless times im getting help and going to therapy. You contiune to tell me to

 “write this down”

 “make sure you write this down” 

“ make sure you talk to your therapist about this and tell me the problem”

“Are you writing this down?”

“Do you hear me?”

Oh my god. Are you serious? Are you toneddeaf? How are you telling someone to write down problems YOURE having with me and make sure I go to my therapist and talk about it!? Are you serious?! My therpist is for my OWN problems. I know what MY issues are. NOBODY needs someone telling them a list of things they need to write down so they can make sure they talk to about their therapist. Are you normal? Do you even realize just how rude and condencending that is to someone who is actively seeking help? Do you not even realize how absouytley disgusting wrong that is? Do you realize how self centered you are? Do you not even realize that YOUR tryin to get the problems your having with me fixed? LOL how selfish oh my god. Like it’s actually a joke as Im going through this and writing this down right now. 

Its so so disguisting. And the more I am just realzing this the more I can see how blind I am. 

But the fact that I even thought I could try and get to you and try to talk to you? To help you see from my perspective how wrong that is coming from you and you still tried to prove yourself right?! I am so so disappointed in myself that I even thought I could get to you. 

Then after i finally break down because you wan tto tell me “I dont think we will be able to see each other” or something like that. Basically sayin that you should just buy your own plane ticket and come down and not see me because you dont think that im better. Then because I told you that I really dont have anything to sauy to that even after everything we talked about for a fucking hour and a half about me seeking help and yet youre the entire time you were still being so rude and not even empathic. Youre just being so rude and mean and not caring AT ALL. 

you’re constantly giving me attitude yet denying youre “changing your tone” because youre “chill from a day from work, I have no reason to be mad” but you think i cant see your tonality shittfs? You think I cant hear your irritated and annoyed? And yet you continue to lie to me and say that “youre chill” be.foreal. Be fucking foreal.  

One thing I am good at is tonality.you could lie to me and tell me your not angry but theres no way youre not irritated and angry or getting frustrated. It’s as clear as day and youthink just because youre saying it to me, that it’s going to make me believe different? Im sorry but that is something that i will never believe. Why? Because everytime I know someones irritated or frustrated, i am never wrong. You might say youyre not but every word you say coming out of your mouth proves anger. Proves frustration. Proves irritation. Proves your bothered and yet you think just because you say youre not, that youre “not”? Thats why I cant believe what you say because even when you say youre not, you continue to say just… unnecessary comments. Almost just stupid comments to me to be honest. Comments that to me just show no love, care, or empathy for your partner. 

It sounds like jabs, it sounds like hits, and personal hits. 

And yet you can still lie to me and tell me theyre not? We’ve had this conversation before and i’ve talked to you on another day and you knew I was right. I saw straight through you because you dont make comments like that to someone you care and love for. You make comments like that when you’re trying to bring them down because youre unhappy. 

You know what the fucking kicker was? When you told me you werent going to come down and see me and just do your own thing and I didnt say anything. You told me “if i give you reassurance” are.you.kidding. 

R.u.kidding. 

The moment i heard those words outta your mouth i lost my shit. I cannot even believe that after the 1h30 conversation with you being so not understanding and so not emppanthic the entire time you wanted to see reassurance from me?! I have nothing left to give! I almost want to write in caps right now because of how fucking furious that made me. I was livid. 

So fucking narissitic of you to dare to want more for someone who is at their lowest and is going to get help because shes not proud of who shes become. But my guy? Have you forgotten!? Youre the one who was saying from our last big argument that if you didnt see change we would have an issue and you wont want to be together. Oh my god. Are you serious? And when I’m finally getting help, I told you I havent been feeling my best, then I have to deal with my partner being the extrrremrely not understanding to the slightest bit of anything but then zero empathy for anything for me because its about you you you, you start riaisng your voice and all this. 

The fact you asked for ressauncer says sooo much about you. Youre so weak. You will spend over an hour on the phone literally tryin to have your points won, and trying to prove yourself and just argue every little bit I have to say, take personal jabs at me.  Oomg I cannot forget, you slipped up because you were gett8ing so angry “i cut you off” that you tolf mre “yeah its good your getting help becaus eyou need it. OH. MY.FUCKING GOD. 

The moment I fucking heard that, my body was shaking like I was having a panic attack. And when I called you out? You started coming at me with soooo many things on why you said it, dont cut me off, you diudnt even let me finish what i had to say,  you keep cutting me off. Ph my god. Kathy, do you see this behaviour? LOL do you think this shit is ok? Its black and whute. 

He needs help. And he startrs trying tyo tell me that I didnt let him finish, and if I didnt cut him off I would be able to explain it. No.

Why are you even saying anything like that to me? Even if you finished your thought or your sentence theres no way in hell that is somehow going to sound better. The fact that you think it’s okay to bring that up? Like honestly. Absolutely disgiuting and i am just so ashamed of myself for even dealing with someone like this. 

This entire time I can only take accoutnalbity for myself, and knoow my own issues and know when im wrong and know im gettiung it fixed. But for you to also say youre “working on yourself every single day” because “you deal with people” “i do this for a living” then telling me I need to work on myself? And you thinking because you work with people every single day that you somehow become a better individual in OUR relationship? That yuou learn how to communicate and talk and be patient because you do it everyday for your job?

Do you even know how wrong that is? The fact that you think your job is your way of praciting being a better “commuicatior” and “more patience” to help in our relationship is only a part of it.  

“Narcissism is a personality trait characterized by an excessive focus on oneself, a strong sense of entitlement, and a need for admiration from others. People with high levels of narcissism may have a lack of empathy for others and often seek validation and attention.” 

Yeah that sounds like you. 

You know what just so sad? When I had it, and broke down and cried on the phone becauys eyou wanted more reassurance or you wanted me to give you some but I didnt. And When you realized how wrong you were because you “ didnt expect me to me at my lowest” you wanted to say something that you hope you never have to say again, and then you b asically try and say “had i known you were this low I wouldve never had this conversation, I wouldve known you werent ready and I wouldve stopped” 

Are you serious?

My own boyfriend is saying that to me?

Am i crazy for thinking that what he is saying to me ios absolutely insane and just soooo just fucking wrong? 

Like he realizes he fucked up and now hes trying to not blame anyone for getting to this state but are you kidding me? My own fucking boufriend couldnt even realize that and waited for me to explode and not even say sorry? But to say he didnt realize how low i was until i broke down? And he thought I was just “low and going through something” 

Yeah  im not happy with  where I am with my myself mentally but you reallllly kicked it to the curb when you refused to hang up and forced me to stay on the phone with you for an hour and a half while you were just absolutely ruthless to me and no emptany for any bit of me. Then when I cut him off to trell him are you serious?! 

He raged at me and told me “stop talking!” “just listen!” “youre pissing me off! Youre not letting me finish!!” 

LOL , its not funny. But its an lol because i cannot even believe, you think i will believe a single fucking word youre saying, when you still  manage to talk to me like that when you realized your mistake.

That really just topped the cake. 

Thats when I realized my boyfriend is def a narcissist. 

And now im scared.  

[unknownofk]

What is it with me whenever we get into heated discussions, that I just get so turned off? Like I wanna understand why I never get sad by what he says to me. But I always feel like it’s more. I can’t even believe you’re saying that to me right now. Or I can’t even believe your behaviour right now. or are you seriously trying to pick a fight right now? Was that comment even necessary? Are you just trying to say this right now to make yourself feel better?

Like these are the questions that come up in my head when he tries to express himself. Because when he tries to inspect himself and never comes off as like, hey there’s this thing that’s been bothering me and I really want to try to fix it. It always comes off as like hey there’s a problem, and it’s because you’re not doing this, this, this this, and I’ve told you many times. I don’t know why you haven’t reminded me, it’s like you don’t even care, and I understand that him trying to reach out for help, but why is it when he wants to express himself, it always comes from anger and it always sounds like he’s putting the blame on me? But if there’s something that was bothering me, I am able to tell him hey I just wanted to let you know there was something that you did the other day, that made me feel like you meant to do this. But I know that you love me and I know that wasn’t your intention. But, do you think maybe next time you could let me know and remind me instead? Or something like that. I don’t know if this makes sense but I just feel like whenever he has a problem, it literally is an anger problem. And then there’s the anger motions at them, and then the finger pointing that comes with it, and I never really feel like, he’s coming to me in a nice way. It’s almost as if he’s coming to me pointing the finger at me and expecting me to say the things that he wants to hear but like in the way where the satisfaction oh my God like I don’t even know if this makes sense right now and I don’t know if I’m being hypocritical. But that’s why I really want to figure out why I just get so triggered when he needs to express himself.

[unknownofk]

Hey world,

I’m feeling a little heated right now and I don’t know if it’s right or wrong for me to feel. But I know that I am angry at how he chooses to talk to me and the word choices that he wants to say to me. Because then it almost sounds like when he’s telling me his problems or his concerns about us and our relationship, and then kind of starts to turn into a nitpicking That you’re not disappointed we’re not on the same page, it’s almost as if the things that he’s saying out of his mouth is him choosing to attack me like there has to be a nicer way. Like I’m trying to think right now for myself, if ever there was concerns That I needed to tell him, I sound the same way. Would I point out small things like that here and there? Or is it because I’m just not communicating? The fact that he’s able to say that I’m disappointed in you. I had more hopes for you, I thought we were on the same page, for some reason those are the comments that just feel like a personal attack. It feels like at this point it’s not really him, trying to express how he feels, it almost feels like he is jabbing me

Yeah, I am hurt by it. I’ve first when he was telling me his concerns, a part of me felt like I didn’t want to take accountability, because I could’ve worked more let’s say. But I literally chose not to. But I felt like I had my own reasons, but then when he starts giving his Response, it starts to make me feel like I am not doing enough. It makes me feel like. (And now I’m crying) it makes me feel like what I want for myself, and what I’m doing right now that makes me happy, I’m not allowed to be happy. I’m not working hard enough. I shouldn’t be content with where I’m at. It’s almost that feeling I’m not doing enough, not being better enough.

I’m not sad at all, when he tells me he’s disappointed at me. I’m not affected by him saying I expect more from you. If anything hearing him say that in the tote that he says it actually really irritates me. Because it doesn’t genuinely sound like disappointment. It sounds like he’s trying to say that so he can get under my skin. And the reason why I know this. Is because we have conversations like this, he can’t control his emotions orality in the way that he thinks that he is. He thinks that he is trying to hold me accountable, and try to keep me in check, but if anything it’s coming off as very belittling, and degrading, And as if you’re trying to make yourself, feel better by telling me these comments.

When I sense disappointment in someone, there’s a little bit of sadness, because you really just thought that they can be better. And you really hope that they could be better. But in his way, it’s just straight anger disappointment. Say whatever you want, but I think that one of my skills is being able to sense and understand where their anger is coming from. When there’s a shift in their tonality and how they are choosing to speak to me, and then the words that come over their mouth. Don’t always match up.

And so he could be saying he’s disappointed, but in actuality, he saying it for another reason in hopes that I feel that he’s disappointed in me, but that’s not what I feel and he might never admit this, because maybe he can’t dig deeper into himself to understand why he had the tonality that he had And he chose to keep repeating himself being on the receiving end, that always catches his shift and energy and tonality and leading up to him saying whatever he wants to say. Because why are you getting angry. Why is there a shift in your tonality when you talk to me? Why do you all of a sudden talk to me like I’m not even your girlfriend. What conversations don’t go your way, you start talking to me like you could care less about pissing me off you’re not even worried if I’m sad or hurt. You don’t even care how I feel, but you know that you’re just so angry that you want me to know that you’re unhappy.

Anyways, writing this out makes me feel a little bit better. But the same time I’m still a little pissed off lol I don’t mind that he wanted to have the conversation with me. Maybe it’s a conversation he didn’t need to have with me. But it’s how he chose to go about the other half of the conversation. it started to turn out like it was attack to try to make me feel a type of way and when I wouldn’t give him the the response to continue the conversation, or the response to satisfied what he wants to hear. The job start coming anyways that’s enough.

[unknownofk]

Gonna be my hottest self. No short bangs ever. Always longer than my face. Look back at 30th bday photo. Those were the best my hair has ever looked. Long, long layers and long bangs. I used the pink headband to curl my hair. Longer hair really helps shape the face and look smaller and more narrow.

Wispy cat eye lashes to narrow the eyes a bit more and look pulled back and catty.

[unknownofk]

Dear self,

I am the hottest 30 year old that friends and family know of I take such great care of my body, skin, hair and nails. I truly enjoy self-care. I love the benefits that taking care of myself does to me. Taking care of myself continues to age me backwards, as I look younger, more youthful, more healthy, more happy. can see my radiance, people can see me shine. Taking care of my hair has allowed me to grow very long and thick hair like I had in high school. As I continue to take care of my body, my hair on my head continues to grow and becomes long and luscious and thick and beautiful. as I continue to choose the most nutritious impact with so many antioxidant foods, it allows my skin, especially the skin on my face radiate. Shines and it’s plump. Gives my skin more collagen. As a continue to do the skin care routine that brings me a lot of joy every morning and every night, my skin becomes more even. My skin barrier becomes much stronger, it’s more hydrated and more useful. My skin is tight and full and plump I’ve created a lifestyle to take care of myself. And I said, continue to take care of myself by choosing to eat high protein, foods with antioxidants, more fruit, continue to stay hydrated and drink lots of water. My body just continues to change in such amazing, beautiful ways. My body becomes tighter, stronger, more lean, with curves and all the right places. My arms are more slim and tone, my waist is like an hourglass. My hips are more accentuated with the hip workouts that I’ve been doing. My glutes have become more plump and round and my body is so extremely proportionate. I really do love taking care of myself. I love eating and choosing the right foods. I love moving my body in ways where it willchange evolve my body to the best. I’m so grateful for how far it’s come. I’m so grateful that every day I choose to move and do something for my body.

[unknownofk]

You don’t want to pack for our trip to Utah or back home. Today you’ve asked me over four times if you can do anything else but pack basically. And I told you many many times, and you’ve even agreed that it makes the most sense that since today wasn’t so bad that you should pack. We finish doing the bed and then you want to just go lay down. We wasted so much time going back and forth about you packing and in the end you still won’t pack. Then you ask me could I still pack and do all these things tomorrow? I ask yeah why?

Then you say we’ll then, obviously you don’t want to pack if we still have a whole day ahead of us to pack and since I’m home basically I should be able to do it. What you don’t understand tho is. You’re just dealing with packing and your visa. I’m dealing with making sure I leave you the house in okay condition with things that you might need so you don’t go off and buy it since you’ll be busy. It’s not just packing and cleaning for me and that’s one things you’re underestimating. But you know what?

That’s fine. If you think it’s just packing then I just don’t even want to do those other things. Because yeah you could do all those things but for sure it would be appreciated if yoh didn’t have to go out of your way and do it while you’re busy focusing on work.

[unknownofk]

I feel defeated. The worst version of myself has come to light, and I am absolutely disgusted at who I am, and who I was, and I hate myself that I got loud, I hate myself that I couldn’t keep my composure. Call my hate that I didn’t have more patience to stay calm. They make me a price of that you could suck my boundaries sooner, I’m angry at myself that I couldn’t even communicate with boundaries.

The most of all, I hate that I just can’t communicate. I feel like I was placed in a relationship with someone who talks too much, but I don’t talk enough. Because ignore it to talkative, not to vocalize it off, not express myself enough has caused problems to the person is always used to always talking and sharing their thoughts. It causes them stress, the game of guessing, lack of patience because I’m unable to commucate my thoughts better.

My lack of communication of why I seem a lil annoyed. My lack of commutation to why I feel a little less talkative today. My lack of commutation to express that I don’t like that you’re talking to loud and instead I go quite. My lack of commutation

[unknownofk]

Kathy you are confident

I am so secure, I am so confident in myself. I am absolutely beautiful inside and out. I have beautiful glowing, healthy, strong, youthful skin. My skin barrier is strong and clear of imperfections. My skin has cleared up and is becoming lighter and brighter. My skin on my face is so smooth and it’s making me look so young and youthful. My hair is so long and healthy and it’s confining to grow thicker and fuller every day. I have a fuller head of hair than I use to and it continues to make me look young overall and healthy. My hair and skin continue to get all the nutrients and proteins it needs to be strong and healthy.

Along with my body, I’ve been nourishing it with the best diet and food. I love thé results Im seeing because I’m consistent and obsessed with working on myself. I love seeing my body is changing everyday and becoming the most sexy and toned body that I deserve. My stomach is getting smaller and more defined. I love seeing the results of my hard work. I love feeling good with the amazing foods I am eating. It helps me feel light and full of energy. It’s amazing the results and they’re so fast! I am so proud of my body and I really do love my body. It’s strong and healthy and it’s the best body I’ve ever own.

[unknownofk]

This is going to my therapist

We’re in the process of moving right now and the best that can describe what is going through my mind is that yes I understand. I need to be packing everything as much as I can and I understand that. And I am doing my absolute best.

But why is it that every time you give me a task and you were so broad about it, like you tell me pack everything and make sure I pack everything in the car. Why is it that I get so irritated when you tell me to do these things? A part of me believes that I get irritated because one, every time we’re together and I want to keep let’s say pushing forward and complete the task at hand. You then, always, not always but majority of the times, which is why I am bringing this up because it’s not three times this happens many times in other occasions . Where we are both at a pause to take a break. And when I want to continue later, you then finessed me or us to not do it. And then the next day comes along, and you were nowhere to be found because you have to go to work, and then you keep telling me to do everything do this. Make sure you finish that make sure you do this and to me, I’m not gonna lie that actually really pisses me off. Because, I’m pissed at the fact that if I knew I was not getting any help from you the next day, I don’t care if I’m by myself and I’m doing this. I would rather spend the day before and do as much as I can, so that I take off mental load on myself, when I am all of a sudden told to do everything by myself.

Oh, I understand that you went through this all by yourself and you had to pack everything, and that’s great for you. But I haven’t developed the mental coal capacity to understand how to pack everything by myself. I get very overwhelmed, maybe overstimulated, and I just can’t focus. And I’m just all over the place. And it looks like I’ve done absolutely nothing when I feel like I’ve been doing everything.

And I pretty sure I know why I am too scared to actually complete the task that you tell me to do. It’s because I’m dealing a lot with your stuff as well, and even though you tried to tell me that you’ve changed and that you’re going to be better, that part still lingers that I’m going to get yelled at for doing it wrong.

[unknownofk]

Another thing that really just came in continues to make me irritated while helping. I had just come back from my 10 minutes and we seemed to be doing better which is great. It was a good thing. We both agreed to take a 10 minute pause.

But yet, when something else comes up and you feel overwhelmed and stressed again. You start to say in my opinion absolute bullshit because then you go off to say that you’re stressed. You’re overwhelmed you feel like you’re doing this all by yourself because I’m not helping. And that’s what really just continues to piss me off again. How do you have the audacity to tell me that I am not helping you when I have been babying you to do this. I’ve been nagging to help you do this. And when I am here to do it with you, you are making me do it all for you. You only probably help 5% When it comes to packing laundry. And I understand you hate it, I probably did hate this too but then I realize that it’s a daily necessity and you just have to do it so I changed my perspective on it and now I just get to enjoy wearing clean clothes, but it really bothers me when you always choose to put this on me and then let’s just say you blame me for not being a better partner by helping you more. That is what is absolutely bullshit and that’s why I continue to be mad after and I can’t seem to feel better helping you.

This is exactly why I believe I continue to actually feel anxious when it comes to helping with situations like this. Because I actually get scared because there’s always going to be an argument. There’s always going to be things that you were saying about me that aren’t true to my face. [example, quotation lack of hell Close quotation when I am literally forced to be stuck beside you while you’re doing this because you cannot do it alone.

 I understand you are stressed and that you’re overwhelmed. And that I probably don’t understand everything that you’re going through. But I just cannot understand how are you always continue to find the time and find the effort to tell me that I am not helping you enough.

[unknownofk]

Dear universe,

It is a very awkward time right now and we’re both feeling overwhelmed stress confused. Uncertain, almost feeling, lost and hopeless at this point as well.

We are in the process of the journey of packing everything we own, and leaving at first the idea of packing everything up and leaving seemed simple. It seemed pretty straightforward, but as time progresses more and more mental stress is being put on the both of us. Right now the only things that makes sense to me in the situation is that we need to tell the landlord that the person renting the space no longer wants to rent it anymore. And therefore the homeowners can start posting a new tenants to come in and look as this place was very desirable when it first came out. And it probably still will be fine I understand that we did try our absolute best to overcome the situation and try to help them and we will continue to try to help them along the way but I think that (henry) at this point needs to have help and let the homeowners know so that

[unknownofk]

i guess it's fuck part2

I didn't wan tto make the other post so long so i just continued on another one. It's the sloppiness. I know you're not a sloppy person and i need to learn to let that go but i just feel like I've been hearing complaining from you so often. More often than i would like to hear from my partner. You're always saying you're tired, I'm tired, and i get that but i just get turned off when i hear it so often. Youre a man, your my man. As as someone who is a strong masculine individual i don't want to hear you saying you're tired every second day. its not even just once, you say it at least three times every night and to me, that's just too much. It doesn't let me preceieve you as such a strong masculine energy.

anyways back to the whole waking up thing, that just pissed me off man. it makes me not even want to wake up for u and do those things bcos i don't believe u told me because of help but you told me in the way and in the moment of i want you to do more bcs i cant. i can't even describe it properly but it was with the intention of projecting your anger that's what i mean. but anyways, the only reason why i would do it bcos i need to do it for myself.

i need to make money for myself and prove to myself i can do this and that if i want a partner who can help me at home, i better be out there working too. Also bcos i really don't have any more money in my account that i can be spending anymore and that's scary,

time to be put in thr masculine energy and start working sis. bring on that money stress and that providing energy,

[unknownofk]

fuck

thats really what i can say to describe my feelings thoughts and emotions. I don't feel happy, I feel pissed off, annoyed, irritated, i want my time alone. I want space away from you because you're the one i had a conversation with.

we just had a semi serious conversation and it started bcos you noticed i wasn't being all lovey dovey after when you came home and i honestly was irritated at you. why? because is it bad of me to want my bf to just help tidy up after dinner? I'm sure i hold some sort of resement bcos we've had a couple of disccsions about how you HATE doing the dishes and then we got into a conversation about how, since I've been home and being a stay at home gf its disrespectful of me to even ask you to help around the kitchen since you're out there making money for the house. This is actually the exact reason why I don't want to stay at home anymore. At first it was all fun and games and I enjoyed it, until i started to feel like a maid, your mom and your a kid. IS it so wrong of me to want my partner to just help after dinner when he comes home after work? All morning I help prep the breakfast, prep your stuff for work then you're off and I'm at home cleaning? because if that is the true deificion of a stay at home gf, I'm sorry but I actually do not want that.

Which is why as of recently it's been happening more in my head ow I Want to make my own income so you can't expect me to do these things. anyways, I'm still just feeling pissed and irritated. my blood is almost like boiling bcos i hate having to sit there and just listen and listen then have to pretend I'm ok with some things your saying bcos i really don't wan to say anything to start an argument bcos i know it will. Why? bcos without a doubt you most probably disagree.

omg my head is just all over the place right now, i need some clarity but all i can feel is just frustration. There's so many things that were said that just made me wish i could just walk out. Not walk out of the relationship but maybe it's hard for me to hear and I really don't want to hear it. or maybe it's bcos i keep hearing you blame me for your problems then you're trying to ask me to help you but you had to make sure you brought me up first.

saying you wish i would actually wake up first and do this for you , and do that for you, prepare this and that. Youre saying all these things but you wake up early but u lay in bed, then you say you wake up early. Ok, you wake up but it doesn'tmake a difference if you're just in bed. that's what frustrated me. You use times when you're frustrated or when you've "had enough" to lash these things out on me. This is the problem. You always tell me these "issues" when you're frustrated, you never just talk to me about it and then it comes up as you're projecting. Youre projecting your frustration at me of you not being able to get up and mention how that's your weakness, only to bing me into it to say that i SHOULD be helping you do these things if I see you can't.

That's actually where it makes me so frustrated, yet why should i be? omg i should be laughing this off bcos i know you're projecting onto me. rather than using a day to just tell me about how to help you.

The reason why I felt so... lets say uninterested was because i was turned off by you. Yes you work hard, yes you're out there doing what to do but then when you come home and you don't want to do anything, and that you lets say leave things everywhere or you don't even want to shower? Too tired to even clean yourself off? That's where it really just turns me off. It's unhygienic . You have your whole day on you, all the dirt on your skin and that doesn't feel gross to you?

[unknownofk]

I dont feel heard.

I don’t feel understood

And most importantly I don’t feel safe anymore as of right now.

[unknownofk]

Dear world, I’m really frustrated right now. This whole trip was in lalaland and this entire travel back home has been brutal. I actually have no joy or happiness in my life right now. The absolute first seconds of us leaving the Airbnb it’s been tough. I have so much anxiety and stress having you around. I haven’t for a moment felt peace besides sleeping on the plan or fuelling my body with food so this cold can go away. Other than that I feel like I’m walking on eggshells. You’ve made it very clear that this whole airport travelling experience, I’ve been messing up. You have this annoyed tone with me you refuse to admit you have with me. I don’t feel safe. I don’t want to talk to you. I don’t want to be near you right now. I just… want to be far away from you.

[unknownofk]

It’s so wild how this is my diary. And I don’t think anybody’s ever going to find this. Unless they somehow snoop through my phone. But if ever, someone asks me about my Tumblr, and then open my settings to see that I actually have this page. Because, his page is honestly my diary. And I almost would feel, no I would be violated if anybody read this without my permission. Because I think there’s a time and place for somebody to read a part of you if you’re ready to share that part of you with them. and the reason why I’m writing this right now, is because there’s something that I really want to write because I think it’s going to help me understand my thoughts and release this lingering energy I have in my body but it’s so crazy because I am afraid that I’m not just gonna let go of the feeling