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Fast Track to Boss Lady

Finally finding some time to sit down and do things lately!! I am no longer dreadfully tired and behind on rest, which goes to show how consistent things have been these past 89 days working for this new company.

Even though it is a blue collar job, it is the least labor intensive job of them all but we do have a bit of hazard pay for being on the road the way we are. Officially I do traffic control and I am 1 certification away from being able to anything they need. I have 1 nationally recognized certification, 1 certification recognized by the state, and 1 certification recognized by the company.

All of which sounds cool till you hear that we are at the bottom of the totem pole when it comes to blue collar jobs. Where my pay reaches its cap, the rest of blue collar jobs have that as starting pay for no experience. But depending on which direction you go, you either have low labor with high risk or high labor with low risk. And no matter which direction you go, there is more money.

I went from struggling to hold a job that I hated to really loving my job and looking forward to the next day. I am already feeling ready to move on to something bigger though. Welcome to the world of ADHD and recently healed trauma! I need to look for work to keep me occupied during the slow winter season and if it replaced my current "Part time but we get a lot of hours in the spring and summer" job, I would not complain.

Aside from working a decent amount of hours, I am already geared toward Christmas preparations! I have all the fabric I need to make stockings and my holiday gift bags. I even bought new hemming feet for my sewing machine so I can mass produce more bags faster! I already have a few painted jars getting their coats of paint, later to be presented as gifts. I am literally in the position of being able to buy gifts for my family members so that come the official Christmas season, when everyone is pressed, I will be able to enjoy everyone's time when we cross paths.

Maybe I will write about all the awkward moments with the guys I work with, both my company and contractors alike, next time that I am online. Because it is not often that there is a woman on these crews even though it is not a completely foreign concept. That and/or how they're throwing me into the wolves and I am taming them like a pack leader.

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Moving forward

I am definitely getting used to my new job! I get home and have about an hour of energy before I am feeling the exhaustion! I only had one oopsy on Friday. So of my first full week of work to only have one oopsy on day 5, I'd say that is a win!

I am off work tomorrow so that I can make it to the dentist and I am SO excited to sleep in an extra few hours. Let's see if my cat agrees with me sleeping in though LOL She is the queen, calls all the shots haha

I left that support group and with my new job, I also had to drop my therapist. I tried to make an appointment with my therapist for tomorrow but she never emailed me back so it is safe to say that she is unavailable. I am doing good so far though!

Tried getting on dating apps recently and that was a bust! I matched with sex addicts and emotionally unavailable men. I am feeling content to not continue pursuing dating in those areas, as they are going no where and that is okay!

Next week I want to get a seasons pass for one of the amusement parks in my area if I have some leftover cash after bills. I need to get out of my house more and I wouldn't mind grabbing a few rides on my time off from work! 🙂

I think those are all the updates for now!!

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Flag em down!

Training/orientation went well! I'm still not too sure as to why it was so hard for the lady doing our paperwork to interact with me. She literally spoke to the other girl in full sentences then looked at me like I was going to vote her off the island. It took some time but we all were able to function together later in the day. I just don't understand what it was. Like was it because I had makeup and a smile in a construction related field? Do I look too small/skinny? Who hurt you in your past that you were unable to be a leader with confidence around me? Whatever, I'm here for a paycheck. haha

Things went well though! I passed the national certification exam 1st and with 100%! I do need to get my own pair of gloves though because the Small and Medium gloves did not have a grip like the Large and XLarge gloves so things felt slippery. I also need to make sure I keep up with my workouts because I am all legs but sometimes you need just a hair of chest strength. My biceps are rather thick and I wear an adult shirt size ShMedium because of it. I'm fairly small in the rest of my upper body but I have a thick lower body. I also have meaty paws so when I was the only girl to choose a size Medium glove set the other girls were like...looking at me funny lol

But I'm confident in how everything fits so I am not too worried about things. It is going to be a nice night because I am pretty tired and need to be at the shop at 630am, according to the trainer. I'm looking forward to being there but also anticipating being sent home because, with the exception of 1 person who knows someone already working there, they did not have any of us new kids on the schedule for tomorrow.

Ready to make that money!

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Finally got a job! I was so excited for training today!

Showed up, hair and makeup ready, and was told training is tomorrow.

Apparently the person from the corporate office had the dates wrong. 🤷‍♀️

But what am I going to do? Not panic! This job is my place to practice things I've learned in therapy.

I smiled and said "It's okay!" and left.

What a big girl I was! I didn't show anger. 😇😂😂 It was a simple mistake. Stuff happens and I would want grace if I made a mistake too.

Also, I hope they don't pick on me for being small. I can carry my own weight and am very strong for my size but being picked on is annoying. Especially in a sea of burley females, I don't want to be the one they choose to lash out on in jealousy.

But to recap my goals from therapy:

Work is for professional relationships, not personal ones.

Try not to stand out above the crowd with my eagerness but also, don't fall so far in the dark that you look like someone who is lazy.

Don't let imperfections bother me because I can't just quit every job the moment things feel uncomfortable.

I am here for a paycheck: Clock-in, Do the job, Clock-out, Rinse, Repeat.

Time for some TLC on my extra day off before I start work. 😎

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Loved this. 😎

*helps a bug outside so people don't kill it*

*flash forward and I'm convicted of a crime I didn't commit*

*no lawyer touches the case for me*

*everyone hears a buzz and turns around*

*the bug is wearing a tiny suit with a tiny suitcase and becomes my defense attorney*

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Some women make me uncomfortable

So I joined this support group online that started as a Facebook group and someone made a Discord server for it. Unrelated but with access to the same people, for the most part.

There is this one girl who is driving me crazy (Let's call her Marge). She reminds me of my mom with the way she seeks attention, so I guess it's just a trigger. But for a while I was enjoying both groups. I noticed that she wouldn't reply to things I wrote because when this other girl (Lets call her Duckie) she would be replying like crazy.

Well one day I was saying good morning to everyone on Facebook, spuing positivity. I had already said hi in Discord and wasn't engaging that much with Marge because she wanted someone to talk to on the phone. Anyway Marge pops over to Facebook and sends a Voiceclip saying how she is the "temporary admin, just kidding i'm a nobody. Im just the one who is inviting you to the discord"

For the next few days she would interrupt conversations to complain and have people give her attention instead. And then not too long later, she was promoted to an admin of the discord group. 🙄

Today I decided to mention something about Marge complaining outside of he complaint section and that she has pictures of her bruised foot everywhere because she would mention how she stubbed her toe in every conversation in efforts to get attention. And Duckie came right in to protect her. hahahaha

I guess I can be a dick sometimes 🤷‍♀️ But I promise you that I said things as kindly as possible. Marge apologized for not understanding where to type things. (No offense but she does. And as a new admin, how can she lead without knowing what is going on?)

Just popping in to let some steam out and type my feelings out instead of being a direct dick in the group chat!

Bonus! In therapy today, my therapist told me that continuing to give her attention when I am not in the mood to is just me enabling her and giving her what she is looking for. I was, at first, commenting on everything Marge said so that she felt heard and not lonely. But that's literally not my job and I don't need to overextend myself to people. Especially if it triggers me to feel some sort of ways.

So basically I have permission to not engage and to not be a people pleaser. And I needed that. :)

PS did not edit before posting (:

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Of Course

I decided to make a car repair related video for my tiktok using the widely used video editor capcut...turns out that I used the premium features and it costs about $20 to use premium for a month and about $100 for the year.

Being unemployed, I will have to keep this project in my bin till I can afford to post it.

The sheer disappointment killed me BUT if I am being honest, it was a lot of fun editing and creating a voiceover for it! I am in such a good mood and I feel significantly better about myself overall.

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Cool, Calm, Collected

I had therapy this afternoon! I guess I'm doing good in the overall sense so that's good! My therapist was mentioning that even if the people around us suck, are not being nice, are being disrespectful, and other things in that bubble, that it does not mean we should be out of line ourselves.

Which is super hard for a girl like me haha I'm not your typical ghetto human nor am I anywhere near high-class. But I can be well spoken at times and kind of ghetto at times. My parents were raised in Bronx, NY and I was raised as a military brat in multiple states. I may have had a better education than my parents but they also gave me plenty of bad habits.

So here is where I got in trouble:

Apparently I was getting loud playing video games for a 2nd time in the evening and instead of contacting me, my mom contacted my little brother to have him discipline me. Which is extremely inappropriate in my opinion. I told my brother that it was inappropriate for mom to have him relay such a message and that if she needed anything, she could speak to me directly. He decided to lock himself in my bedroom and force a conversation to make me understand.

Obviously I lost it haha I kept repeating the phrase "Get the F**k out of my room" and even offered to talk after I calmed down but he stayed camping in my room like some hippie tying themselves to a tree to prevent deforestation. I had to wake my dad up to get him out.

That is the summary version with a lot of details left out.

Like if it wasn't for my little brother not being a rapist, I would say that he gives rapist vibes. Because what kind of man hears a woman say no and then says well I'm going to do it anyway? A rapist. lol

But yeah, my therapist said that even though I felt threatened that I shouldn't have lost my self control like that. She recommended that I be the bigger person and apologize for yelling and loosing my self-control. But I need more time before I can even look at my little brother.

For what it's worth, I figured out that if I play video games with only one ear covered by my headset that I can correctly hear how my voice is projecting in the room. With both of my ears covered, I feel like I sound normal and that was the issue at hand. I have no problem adjusting my gaming arrangement to accommodate the others in the home, especially after hours.

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My acronyms are EDM+ 😂

I'm not sure how everyone else deals with feeling alone but I've been enjoying joining DJ live streams on TikTok. The music is distracting, fills your mind that was previously empty or negative. You can't help but get up an dance, which keeps you from sulking in bed. And there are people to talk to in the comments, less lonely. Sometimes the person throwing the livestream even joins the comments, but obviously vocally! I highly recommend it! I'm having a good time 😄

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On to the next one

There was this boy I met on Fortnite who expressed his interest in me. I was not looking for a relationship at that time and I also felt weird because I am 8 years older than him. But it wasn't anything serious and the attention wasn't all that bad.

Till 4 days in, he told me he thought he was falling for me. (Red flag)

I noticed almost immediately that his communication started to fade and he would only talk to me a lot when he was...in the mood. (Red flag)

And side note, what was up with him bragging to me that he was bragging to a friend that this super hot singer (Instagram with tight clothes, skinny body, huge boobs) they are both apparently obsessed with came and stayed at a hotel in his town? 🤔

I had to talk to him about expectations for consistent communication and the conversation seemed like it was positive/productive. He had started communicating more consistently after.

Until last night. I had shared a funny story and it was completely ignored. I assumed he was tired from work, as was his usual excuse for not communicating. Later he was occupied with a friend playing a video game.

I had asked him a question after he let me know that he was with a friend online. This was at about 3am. I heard nothing till the next day.

He didn't respond to my question nor open my message in general. And that's okay.

But then I found out that he couldn't sleep and was up till 6 or 7am. So I was brave and asked him why he didn't message me back if he was up all morning. He said he wasn't on his phone and ended up going for a long walk to hopefully grow tired.

Yeah, I was good on all of that. I was already feeling alone talking to him and had expressed so. I don't think I needed a reply to my question as much as I wanted to hear from him.

I too was up till about 6 or 7 am with trouble sleeping but I wasn't going to blow up his phone since he hadn't even opened my last message.

And what was worse was that yet again, I had to dig out details to things that could've just been volunteered.

I'm glad I asked for more information. I think he will be better suited with someone who has significantly lower standards.

It has not even been a full month since we met. What a waste of time this could have been.

I must have subconsciously seen this as a "project" relationship blooming which isn't healthy. We can't live for potential nor wait around for it to blossom when they're not even reaching for it.

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YD&B

The world of online gaming can be a fun place to hang out and meet new people all while having fun doing the gaming thing. It is also a great place to practice good boundary setting!

I am new to the world of Fortnite, specifically, and boy is it filled with people of variable maturity levels spread across a wide range of ages.

There is this one cat (male) that I played with a few times and had a good time with...for a while. I started to notice that he only played with female simps and I stopped playing with him as much. Only one of the girls had ever sent me a friend request.

The same girl I just mentioned reached out to me to gather more information as to why I haven't played so much with the afore mentioned cat. I informed her that I didn't enjoy the competition between women for said cat while playing on the same team. I play to play, not to flirt.

Come to find out, this cat openly acknowledged to this girl that he has multiple "girlfriends" on Fortnite and is very controlling over them as to how they dress irl and not allowing them to speak to other males.

This blew my mind!! What are y'all doing?? 🙈

I affirmed to her that she is better off without him, following their digital breakup.

But now, she won't stop talking about him, asking if he is online, asking if I am playing with him, and blowing me up with invites to play when honestly, sometimes I just want to play by myself to improve my skills. She has a patchy connection and sits out most of the time then leaves to connect with other people, if she doesn't lag out of the server.

She has also asked me to spy on his gaming parties to see if they are talking about her. A request to which I have denied consistently but have let her know that, instead, I would keep him on my friends list for the soul purpose of answering her daily question of: Is he online right now?

She is very young and as much as I would like to be a good role-model for her, I am loosing my mind. Do you guys understand how hard it is to type on a keyboard using a console remote?? She wants to have full blown repetitive conversations about how the cat sucks and how all she would have to do is change her FB profile picture and he would come crawling back to her...and how she would deny his pursuits to rub it in his face that he ended the relationship.

Someone save me from my pushover nature. 🙈😅😂😂😭

Lowkey keeping her on my friends list to avoid any backlash when playing with other mutual friends 😭😅😂😂🙈 But I am steady denying her invites to play, frequently as of late. I feel like I did my job already and I am just here for moral support. Support that she is abusing lol But the girl is young and if her emotions are consistent, she may remove me from her friends list on her own accord. 🤷‍♀️

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Think before you speak

This past weekend I went on a lake kayak and picnic shindig with some old friends. My buddy brought his kids and one of them brought his girlfriend. And according to my therapist...you aren't supposed to say everything that's on your mind with people you don't know. 😅 Woops! Now I know to be more cautious with my words. Apparently people keep those kinds of intrusive thoughts to themselves and then gossip with their friends about it at a later time.

Welcome friends! Haha I have 4 absurd and apparently offensive comments to share.

So we (4 adults including me, 3 Adult sons of 1 of the adults, and one of the Adult kid's Adult girlfriend. Total 8 people) were all out on the water in Kayaks. Couples had tandem kayaks, 2 remaining brothers were in a tandem kayak, and the remaining 2 adults had solo kayaks (I was in a solo kayak).

The conversation of Mexican food/Spicy food was brought up and I mentioned that I am Puerto Rican and do not really eat spicy food. One of the sons was mind blown, thinking all Spanish folk eat spicy food to which I informed him that there is sugar cane on our island and that we enjoy sweet stuff. The girlfriend interjected with how that wasn't true that Puerto Ricans don't eat spicy food. To which I responded: Girl get cultured. 🙃

Later, still on the water, the girlfriend says to the group: Did you know that only girls can get sunburned on their head? To which I responded with: You mean that humans get sunburned on their head? Which stirred a conversation that uncovered that her bald dad does not get sunburned and that she assumed only girls can get sunburned on their head.

Offended or embarrassed, her and her boyfriend paddled away from the group.

Our hour rental ended and we all were headed to our cars to get our picnic food. Apparently the father was holding everyone's car keys. We get to the parking lot and the girlfriend says in the MOST DEMANDING voice: Unlock the car 👿 To which I responded: Please...? with a slight scowl and a head shake of disapproval.

We get to the picnic tables. The other girl who rode a solo kayak brought donuts for everyone. The girlfriend wanted to see which filling donuts were there and with her dirty hands just rips a donut in half, decides she doesn't want it, and puts it back in the box. To which I responded: Are you an only child? (I already knew she had 2 sisters)

We were all chatting and sharing conversation. A few people were still eating. The girlfriend needed attention and decides to grab a randomly discarded toy from the ground and placed it on the father's head. He just accepted his fate. She moved it to his shoulder. Then moved it to the son (not her boyfriend) sitting next to him. To which I responded: I hope that a child with a horrendous disease put that in their mouth and spit it out. The other son (not her boyfriend) grabbed the toy and launched it out of our area. This last comment seemed to bother the girl who brought the donuts and that's when I realized that I could word myself better and that I think I offended someone other than the girlfriend.

I am not too sure why people's behavior bothers me so much but I was significantly disappointed in the girlfriend's behavior and was worried for my friend's son.

My therapist said that my words were offensive, especially since I did not know the girlfriend, and that I need to practice not saying anything in those moments. 🤷‍♀️ Oops! 😅

At the end of the day, me feeling like it was okay to call out the girlfriend just goes to show how much work we still need to do in therapy. My therapist agreed that the girlfriend was not behaving. And I guess I understand now that not everything we think needs to come out of our mouth. 🤷‍♀️