unlockedandloadedkeys-blog

[unlockedandloadedkeys-blog]

The benefits no longer outweighs the negatives… so I quit.

Toxic is the only word I can describe this cycle of abuse; and today I decided that I’m done.

Kinda scary when it’s someone that’s known you before you could even “know” yourself, but I need to be a happier person, and I can’t do it with them around. I hate that I had to do it again, but even saying “again” assures me that this needs to be permanent. May change my name and numbers and fall off the earth. Who knows. All I know for sure is that I’m going to live each day for me now.

[unlockedandloadedkeys-blog]

I guess blogging is supposed to be therapeutic but I feel like I just sit here crying most of the time.

Crying doesn’t make anything better. The forget part makes things better.

I can just occupy myself with née memories, rather than cry about the past. Why dwell on negative.

[unlockedandloadedkeys-blog]

You made me so happy, and now the thought of you makes me cry.

So much for making things work. Guess you’re past your boiling point. I guess we’re done trying.

I know I’m ready for love. I’m ready to leave all of my troubles and everyone and start over.

When you can’t reach me anymore just know I’ll be in peace. Don’t look for me. Don’t worry about me.

I don’t do goodbyes and cries, so this is my salutation.

I love you. Forever and a day…

[unlockedandloadedkeys-blog]

You’re a liar. You don’t deserve my tears.

[unlockedandloadedkeys-blog]

Feeling like drinking and smoking are your only constants in life.

What is your purpose? What have you accomplished today? This week? This month? This year?

What makes you happy? Smile? Laugh? Smirk? Take a deep breath.

[unlockedandloadedkeys-blog]

Feeling like drinking and smoking are your only constants in life.

What is your purpose? What have you accomplished today? This week? This month? This year?

What makes you happy? Smile? Laugh? Smirk? Take a deep breath.

[unlockedandloadedkeys-blog]

All of this started after the rape thing.

I think that’s when I lost all trust.

It wasn’t getting to know you and finding out you have kids. Nor the married part… Not the closet part, nor the divorce. Not the new BM nor kid.

…. Nope. I couldn’t be mad at what happened before, so I forgave it.

This was you. This was “an accident”. Just like another woman on your phone. -I honestly don’t even believe your side of the story now…- I’ve been stupid this whole time.

You got it. You win.

I was stupid.

But know that I appreciate the lesson, and I won’t forget it.

[unlockedandloadedkeys-blog]

I always forgive.

I’m always too forgiving… and end up looking stupid.

We’re at that point.

[unlockedandloadedkeys-blog]

You made me challenge my morals and beliefs.

You weren’t “free” until November.

Plus you went from 3 to 4, and 2 to three.

That by itself was difficult. Not to mention the closet incident. Or the “rape”. Or the calls… or just knowing you’re always going out with other females all the time.

Forgive. Excuse. Forgive. Lie.

[unlockedandloadedkeys-blog]

You’re right. You never knew me.

Throughout the time you knew me I was hormonal and drunk. I was a roller coaster of emotions. I was sad and I was starting to resent you. I didn’t even realize how sad I was about everything but I realize now, that I wasn’t really okay with all of the procedures, and back to back like that really messed my body up. My body started to over produce testosterone and that was probably where all my aggressiveness came from- not an excuse but part of the reason. I’ve never been a very emotional person so the hormones kicked my butt. I apologize. I can’t take back what happened, but I have learned from it.

Thank you for taking the time to love me through everything.

I knew I loved you when I first met you. I miss the connection we had. I miss us. I miss you.

Thanks for being there for me while I gather myself and got out of that depression. You’re a great friend.

[unlockedandloadedkeys-blog]

We’re in a constant circle of hurt and I know I’m the reason.

I don’t feel like you’re going to forgive me so I guess I will accept that.

I thought I was out of tears but I guess I’m not.

[unlockedandloadedkeys-blog]

If I wasn’t here anymore who would care? Maybe my brother…

1 person I guess makes this worth it.

[unlockedandloadedkeys-blog]

I love you.

I will always love you.

You always say I don’t talk, so I guess I’ll write you a letter.

I should start with saying thank you.

You helped me through one of the hardest times in my life. Thank you for always loving me. Thank you for always being there. You were more than I could ask for. I’ll hold in my heart the good times- and cherish each smile. Thank you for showing me how to love again.

I apologize for putting you through a roller coaster of emotions and situations. Honestly, I don’t recognize who I was these last two years. I have never been such a ball of emotions; and I didn’t know how to handle everything. Luckily my hormones are starting to level out so I’m feeling a lot better.

I wasn’t perfect. I was a mess. Thank you for being there for me. You are a great friend.

I shoulda know it was over when I went to the party with your friends. Or made that call. But I really thought we could work past it. I see that letting go isn’t probably going to happen and you’re going to feel like you can’t trust me because I felt the need to ignore your concerns. I was wrong.

I was wrong in a lot of situations. I was wrong to make you feel like I didn’t appreciate you. I was wrong for being selfish.

I apologize.

I really wanted to build with you- but I knew when I met you I still had a few personal things to work out. Guess I thought I was stronger than I was- because that was something I thought I worked out years ago. Clearly running isn’t the answer.

I hate how everything worked out between us but I hope we can remain friends.

[unlockedandloadedkeys-blog]

Longing for the day

I miss you and today only reminded me how much. After waking up later for work, having to fire an associate, and getting a flat tire, I'm tired. Another day another sorrow. You have to let my heart go.

[unlockedandloadedkeys-blog]

I can't love you...

I hate you. I hate that when I see you my heart smiles. Or when I hear your ringtone my heart flutters. I hate walking by and smelling you, only to be tranquil. I hate when you make me the happiest person on my saddest days in life. It sucks that I can be mad at you or not talk to you everyday. The worst part is that I love you. And I know I can't.

[unlockedandloadedkeys-blog]

I'm done.

So my binge is over. I guess I'm done drinking. For real this time. I mean, I've quit for a few days here and there, but I've never really done it. It wasn't because I didn't want to; it was because I always had a reason to celebrate or a long day or a social outing. I always had a reason or excuse to drink, so I did; and now I'm quitting. Cold turkey wasn't what I was thinking but I've ran out at the house and I keep making excuses to not get more. I guess that's a good thing but I wasn't really ready to quit. I'm giving myself another week for cigarettes because I don't want to go into complete withdrawal because I know I'm not going to enjoy this in the beginning. I can't wait to see the progress in my body. I'm going to keep this short because I don't think you're ready for my stories. Maybe tomorrow I'll share a story or two, like how I'm also going cold turkey on love. Until then, I'll be practicing this sobriety thing. Double or nothing. Keys

[unlockedandloadedkeys-blog]

This is it... my feelings.

I want to start this year on a different foot. I want to help myself be more open with sharing my feelings; since everyone thinks I'm going to explode one day if I don't share my feeling. My name is Keys. This is my life, unlocked from walls and barriers, and loaded with truths and adventure.