unnamedfiles

[unnamedfiles]

31′st December, 2021

Today will be the last day of the worst year I’ve ever had. I want to let go of all the negativity, and distractions that have bothered me this year. I also want to let go of all the mental and emotional baggage I have carried with me. I want to be a more focused, and independent person. I will not keep a whatsapp profile picture until the end of the JEE exams. I will not indulge in any activities that involve hanging out with my friends, because they will just distract me. A social life is easy to build, there will always be many people around you who you can befriend, and rely on, but a career is always of utmost importance. This is the only chance I’ve got, to prove myself, and to stand out. I will never reject anyone’s friendship or goodwill because that has taken a lot of time to build. I will always put my best at whatever I do, and never ever back down, or give up just because of the negativity around me. Of course it is alright to be sad at times, but I will never think of myself as pitiful or at a disadvantage. I will try my best, and I know I can achieve whatever I want once I put my mind into it. There is no way anyone can stop me, I have to be the best. I will be the best. I will workout every single day of 2022, for a minimum of 30 minutes, no matter what happens, unless some extremely unavoidable situation arises, or in cases of emergency. I want to be the best person I have ever been, this year. Looks and  beauty can be made, and constructed, but a career needs hard work and dedication, if I prove myself, people around me will respect me and love me, even if I do not do the same for them. I will never disrespect anyone. I want to be a more ambitious and focused person, and I will not disrespect my mother, even in moments of extreme anger, because she has raised me and sacrificed for me. She is the person I can trust the most in this world. I need to stop eating so much, and always maintain a maximum weight of 43kg, throughout this year. I need to make that my standard and try not to weigh more than that. I am short, I will look shorter if I carry a lot of weight with me. I have to get into a government college within or outside west bengal at all costs. it’s very difficult, I know, but if I give my blood, sweat and tears to it, I’m sure I can achieve it. I’m sure I can do it. I just need to work hard, I can do it. No one will stop me, human warmth is volatile, and can change every single time, but your hardwork will never betray you. Hardwork will never let you down, you have to keep fighting until you manage to get a good job, and your hardwork will definitely pay off. I will sleep for 4 hours everyday until JEE, sometimes if you’re too tired, you can change that to 6 hours, but make sure to sleep just 4 hours everyday, because a lot of time is wasted the rest of the day. This isn’t too rigorous, this the bare minimum you have to do to achieve what youu want, there can be no compromise, whatsoever. Best of luck, you can do it. 

[unnamedfiles]

I thought I wouldn’t have to resort to these silly tumblr sessions anymore. I didn’t want to rely on others for this, so I need to find a way to deal with this all alone, I’m a terrible person. I pretend to love my sister and care for her happiness, but the truth is thatI’m just a jealous wench. She will do better than me in the boards, and there’s absolutely no doubt about it. She probably didn’t even work half as much as I did, and yet she’ll score so well. No, it’s solely my responsibility. I chose this difficult path of life, and I am the only one who’s responsible for my misery and sorrow. I’m well aware of that. I’m well aware that I shouldn’t be getting jealous. I know I shouldn’t be like this, I know I shouldn’t be like this. What am I getting so worked up about, I deserved this. I deserved all this pain and failure. She will be scoring just one less marks than the full marks, and I will probably not even reach 90%. What am I getting so worked up about. She has always scored less than me her entire life, I should be happy for her now that she’s studying something she really loves, shouldn’t I? If so, then why can’t I bring myself to do it. I know I shouldn’t be feeling like this, so why......... she is such a nice and genuine person, and I’m so ugly, who feels jealous about her doing well. I need to fucking die. Why do i exist, I can’t even tell anyone about this, because I’m afriad they’ll leave me once they also realise how ugly of a person I am. I don’t know what to do anymore, I didn’t study the whole today, I don’t even have the energy to walk anymore because of how hard I worked, and yet I know she will still be scoring more than me, because when have things ever gone my way. I’m unlucky, and I’m dumb, I can’t do this anymore, I just need to pass away, please kill me please. I can’t with this shit. I don’t even feel like talking to my sister anymore. I shouldn’t be like this, I shouldn’t be like this. This is wrong/ I should be happy for her and yet I can’t bring myself to be. I should just die, shouldn’t I.  want to jump, I want to jump off this roof, but I’m too coward to do that, I don’t have a meaning in life anymore. I know this tiny hope inside me is useless, because I won’t be doing well anyway.  

[unnamedfiles]

He’s done with me. He doesn’t want to talk to me. He’s forgotten about me. This is the end, for him, he hasn’t replied to my messages for days, and weeks. He told me himself he wanted to stay like this because he liked me, he even told me his concerns, so why now......... why can’t we talk anymore. It’s been 10 months sine we met, and I thought we’d be close enough already. I mean, I knew I had to let it go someday, but I didn’t know it’d be so soon. I didn’t know it’d be so painful, I can’t even......... i hate it. Did the picture i upload bother him? If he was confused, why didn’t he ask me, it could have been just a cousin, why didn’t he ask me. I know I’m begging for attention at this point, but I just don’t want him to be out of touch with me. Can you not make it harder for me? What if I just never get over you? What if I can’t forget you? Everything is coming to an end, isn’t it. I know it’s selfish of me, but I hope you think how you want me all the time. No, this isn’t right. I was the one at fault, I was the one who forced myself on you,, I was the one who lied about my identity, I’m fake, and I’m just getting punished for it, well, whatever it is, I’ll forget about you now, so i hope you can rest in peace.

[unnamedfiles]

I literally can’t deal with him. What the fuck, like WHY THE FUCK WON’T HE TALK TO ME???????????????? LIKE BRO IS IT BECAUSE I DIDN’T SUPPORT HIS CAREER? OR WHAT IS IT. I DON’T GET IT. WHY THE FUCK WON’T YOU. TALK TO ME. LIKE BRO YOU’RE MAKING IT HARDER FOR ME TO GET OVER YOU. I CANNOT WITH THIS. IM GETTING FUCKING IMPATIENT RN. DO I LOOK FAT IN THAT PROFILE PICTURE OR WHAT. WHAT THE FUCK IS THE REASON/ I DON’T GET IT. HE REPLIED WHEN I SAID ARE YOU STUDYING THATS LITERALLY IT????????? LIKE IS HE SO FUCKING FOCUSED, THAT HE WON’T EVEN TALK TO ME, BUT HAS THE FUCKING TIME TO UPDATE HIS PROFILE? AND WHATS WITH ALL THAT ROMANTIC MUSIC IN HIS BIO I JUST DON’T GET IT????? IS HE DATING SOMEONE???????????????? I DON’T WANT HIM TO DATE ANYONE, HE IS MINE, AND ONLY MINE. WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH HIM I- I THOUGHT WE WERE CLOSE, WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM AFTER THE TIKTOK INCIDENT, DID HE FINALLY FIND OUT? NO IF HE HAD FOUND OUT HE WOULDN’T HAVE TOLD ME HIS CAREER CHOICE. 

[unnamedfiles]

Why do i regret every single thing i do, for no reason? like every step everything i do, i just regret it so bad, it makes me feel trash, and I don’t want people to see that, because I dontt wanna mess up and say anything I don’t mean, it’s so  irritating and infuriating, when tf can I shut up, I’ve been so restless and uncomfortable at everything these past few days, I just can’t even do anything anymore, it makes me feel like I’ve got ADHD OR SOMETHING, trust me, I sleep a lot but somehow I still have like dark circles, but like whatever I think they’ll go, or even if they don’t dark circles look pretty attractive in my opinion, because it makes you look like a hardworking person, which is attractive or whatever? I have always hated myself but these days it seems to be getting worse and worse, and I don’t even feel like I could hold a conversation or anything becasue I;m so fucking restless and irritable, I’m typing super fast rn Idek for what,m like it’s all typos and even that is triggering me, I got my mood swimgs AFTER my periods are over, like??????????????????????????? plus tomorrow i have my physics exam which im gonna fuck up big time, looks like. lmao ok what the fuck why can’t I shut up i need to fucking shut up, alright alright I’ll actually shut up, this is frustrating to type all the time, even my hands are constantly aching and they feel weird asf, okbye.

[unnamedfiles]

自分に与えられなかった愛をあなたに与えた, 自分を愛することを忘れてしまった。生きがいを見つける方法はないだろうか？過去を忘れて前に進む方法はないのでしょうか？明日まで生きられないのではないかと思っていたが, 私たちの関係は永遠には続かないとわかっていたのに、なぜ私は頑張り続けたのだろう? あなたは私たちの過去を消し、私たちの記憶に火をつけ、あなたの人生の新しい章を始めました, 私はあなたを愛していると思っていた, でも、私がいなくてもあなたが幸せになることを考えると、どうしても耐えられない。私はいつも自分の中が空っぽだと思っていた。でも、あなたを失ったことで、私は本当は空っぽではなかったのだと気づかされました, あなたは私の生きがいでした, 君との過去を消せないかとずっと考えている. 私は前に進み、新たな生きがいを見つけることができるだろうか？今の私は、明日起きる理由があるかどうかを考え続けている。私は本当に理由がないんですよ。私は臆病者で、未知の世界に飛び込むのが怖い, 未知の世界は痛くて怖いのでは？私はマジで一番の臆病者, 寝ても覚めなくてもいいんだけど, 怖がっている場合ではないのだ。誰も理解できないと思うので、日本語で書いています。私は、自分が動揺していることを友人に話すのが怖い, 友達に頼ると自分が情けなくなる。私は情けないでしょう？今日は変な感じだった。今まであんなに心が痛んだことはなかった。チョルがこんなにも影響力を持っているとは知らなかった。今日は本当にバカみたいだ, 男の子のことでこんな気持ちになってしまうなん��, 私はそれよりも強い, 乗り越えてみせる, まだまだ、あきらめられない, 疲れすぎて泣きそうになる, 明日は長時間寝て、しっかりと勉強します。

[unnamedfiles]

I was distracted And in love with the you who never cared about me And it really got me thinkin' Were you out drinkin'? Were you in the living room Chillin' watchin' television? It's been a while now I haven’t figured out how How to let you go and let communication die out

I know, you know, we know You weren't down for forever and it's fine

I know, you know, we know We weren't meant for each other and it's fine But if the world was ending I could come over, right? I'd come over and I'd stay the night I would love you for the hell of it All my fears would be irrelevant If the world was ending I could come over, right?

The sky'd be falling and I'd hold you tight but there wouldn't be a reason why why you’d even let me stay the night If the world was ending I could come over, right? Right? If the world was ending I could come over, right? Right?

I tried to imagine Your reaction It didn't scare me when the earthquake happened But it really got me thinkin' were you out swimming or were you in your own room playing League of Legends Ah, it's been a while now I haven’t figured out how How to think about you without it rippin' my heart out I know, you know, we know You weren't down for forever and it's fine I know, you know, we know You never even cared about me and it's fine

But if the world was ending I could come over, right? I’d come over and I’d stay the night I would love you for the hell of it just like I always and forever did

If the world was ending I could come over, right? The sky'd be falling while I'd hold you tight No, there wouldn't be a reason why You’d even want me to ever stay the night If the world was ending I could come over, right? I could come over, right? I’d come over, I’d come over, I could come over, right?

I know, you know, we know You weren't down for forever and it's fine I know, you know, we know We weren't meant for each other and it's fine But if the world was ending I could come over, right? I could come over and I'd stay the night Despite knowing you’d never love me back All my fears would be irrelevant If the world was ending I could come over, right? The sky'd be falling while I hold you tight No, there wouldn't be a reason why We would even have to say goodbye If the world was ending I could come over, right? I’d come over , I'd come over, I could come over, right? If the world was ending I could come over, right?

[unnamedfiles]

I must be going insane, I must be sick, and I hate what I am becoming. I can’t believe I want him, even after all that, even after all that he said to me, it feels so hard to accept that he will never talk to me again, that even if he does talk to me, he will be very rude and will never treat me the same again. It breaks my heart to think so, because I always knew from the start that this would be the case, and yet, I kept asking the universe again, and again, to let me talk to him. I wanted to let it go forever, I wanted it to end forever, so why........ so why did I let him do that to me. Why do I still want him to talk to me, and I know he did all of that just because he wanted to have sex with someone, I know he was trying to use me, but why do I still want him, why do I still feel like I could change him, and make him mine. He doesn’t even know my true identity, he doesn’t even know who I really am, and if he ever figures out, I think I’ll die, I think I’ll commit suicide, I wouldn’t be able to bear with it, I think I would give up completely, and I’d never return back to this life. Sometimes I wish I could go back into time, and not talk to him that day, because it would only bring me misery, what if I had waited for him to text me first, what if I had just waited to see if he would be there, I could have saved myself, I didn’t want to find this out so soon, this really feels like the end, and it makes me cry, and so so depressed. 

I wanted it to last forever, and yet why did I lie to him, I lied to him about so many things, that I shouldn’t have, why couldn’t I just tell him that I wanted to have sex with him too, that I would come running to him no matter what, but I didn’t want him to think I was too easy, I didn’t want him to think he had an advantage, and I wonder why, at that point I chose myself over him, when he has been all I ever wanted. 

Why does love feel so painful, and I hate how I become when in love, I just sleep early, I want to make myself look the way he wants me to, I want him to sing pretty songs to me, I want him to whisper into my ear saying he loves me and would do anything for me, just like I would, for him. I want him to be mine, but he doesn’t even want me as a friend, he doesn’t want me at all, not anymore, ever since I told him I don’t want to be friends with benefits with him, and.................... I know, I already know he is never contacting me again, I know that he would never want me in his life again, and that someone like me is useless now, because I already said no to sex. I know I’m not useful anymore, but I still want him to rely on me, and I’m even okay with being used by him, I just want him. I already know this is the end, I already know it, so, it feels so tough to bear with it, I don’t think I can ever forget him. This feels like breaking up with him, all over again, and I know he’s never gonna talk to me again this time, because I just know that i’m not worth the time, it’s so heartbreaking for me because I feel like this is the end of my life. it feels like I’m in the lowest point of my life, and I have no one to turn to, and no matter who I tell this to, will not even listen to me, and kick me in the face telling me to shut the fuck up. I’m not happy, and I’m not sad either, I just feel so empty, because I thought this time, I was seriously so happy with the way things were, I knew he would never go out with me, but I was happy thinking atleast we could be friends, and he would be gentle to me, as friends, but now, I’ve lost even that. 

I’m afraid of what what I’ll do to just get him to talk to me, I’ll probably click thousand pictures a day, cut my own hair very short, just to change my profile picture and try to make him want to talk to me, but I have nothing, I have absolutely nothing in me which will attract him, I want to be his friend,  I want to be someone he relies on, and yet, I’m not even capable enough to lie, I can’t even lie, I thought, because i treasured him so much, I wouldn’t lie anymore, and yet, i keep doing that again and again, again and again. why do I keep doing this? Why can’t I shut up or stop. I need to forget him, 24 hours a day, he is al I think of, I’m so obsessed I’m afraid I’ll resort to stalking him at all times of the day and go paranoid when I don’t see him playing League, thinking he’s probably talking to some other girl. Honestly he has all rights to talk to someone else, and he will probably download MEEFF again and talk to those Japanese girls, the REAL Japanese girls, and not fake ones like me, and they will give him more attention, and then he might also get a girlfriend, I’ll have nothing to worry about, he’ll be happy and I will be too, right? No. 

He is the only one who is going to be happy, while I die inside, and I’m sure he has never felt sad about even one thing regarding me, what can I say? He doesn’t even think about me, he just thinks of me as someone, who likes him a lot and is crazy about him, and that is true, because I did everything possible for him to know how much I like him. 

I’m flat chested, ugly, short, and I’m not even Japanese, there is not a single reason to like me, what the fuck am I even hoping for, I wish I could kill myself to destroy this hope. Even filters can’t make me pretty. I hate how dependent I am, on him, to survive, and I cannot stand it. 

[unnamedfiles]

I came to the realization today, that the boy who I loved and wrote songs for, over and over again, just wants to get laid with me, he doesn’t care one bit about the friendship I gave him, he doesn’t even care about the love and care I gave him, he just wants to have sex, and it’s so fucking annoying, I’m confused as to why he keeps doing this, I spent so many days and nights, just trying to comfort him, and yet he keeps doing this, upar se i got poor marks in physical education also, I feel very trash today. I was begging to God to let me talk to him, and he does this? For the first time, talking to him didn’t make me feel love, it made me feel disgust, it made me feel so so disgusted, by him, that...........

He doesn’t even care about me one bit, he just wants to fulfill his horny needs with me, I didn’t mean anything to him, nothing at all. I wouldn’t have felt this way if we didn’t share so many wholesome moments together, but he keeps doing this, and I understand that his wants and needs from me are fulfilled and he probably won’t contact me anymore after this, but, I atleast feel happy knowing I didn’t let my love for him sway me, and I didn’t say yes, I was nice about it, and he was also nice about it, he might think it’s a bummer, but  I feel satisfied. For a split second, I even felt like he probably has feelings for me, but I was so so wrong. 

I just.................. I just thought he was a good person......... why would he be so horny, ugh at this point it makes me feel like changing my entire sexuality. He didn’t contact me because he was sad, he contacted me because he just felt horny. I kept thinking so many good things, and.......... he just wanted to have sex with me....... I.... I just feel so fucking bummed. 

[unnamedfiles]

I wonder why it’s always so difficult for me to move on, and I barely get to enjoy the experience of dating or relationships. I mean the privilege of getting to date him, I had already, lost it long back, why did the privilege of being friends also be taken away so soon, that’s the only thing I could afford and I was so satisfied with it, I thought I could be happy, with the way life was, why did it have to be taken away from me. 

One of these days, I feel like I’m so happy without him, and I don’t need him, even so at moments like these, why do I miss him so badly, why is he all I think about, I want to be with him, and tell him, it’s okay to rely on me, I’m okay with being just used by you, I just want to listen to you. 

 I keep thinking about how it’s all online, we haven’t even videocalled and you’re all I think of, all the time, but you never even pay attention to me. I........ I was so happy, and yet, they couldn’t stand me being happy, and so they decided that I couldn’t talk to you anymore. 

Hey, why won’t you just talk to me, why won’t you just listen to me. You tell me that you always come to me when you’re down or sad, I’m alright with being that way, I’m alright with being just a toy, or even a slave to you, just fucking talk to me. 

I seriously thought this time it would last, and we would keep talking, but why do you have to abandon me like this every single time. Every single time I’m here, you kick me away, and ignore me and think of only yourself. If you have your exams, why don’t you just tell me you have your exams, you can atleast reply with one word if you need space, it’s been way too long, it’s  been a week, and still you haven’t replied. 

I don’t hate you, but you keep making me sad, over and over again. 

Fuck it, even dadu isn’t here anymore, I’m so fucking sad i cannot take it anymore, why did he have to leave us, why didn’t i talk to him more, why tf didn’t I pick up the call that day, why tf did I  have lunch in my room, instead of dining with them, I’m such a fucking pathetic human, ofcourse I understand why he woudn’t talk to me. I just feel like I should end everything, stop talking to everyone, i don’t deserve to talk to anyone because they’re so nice to me, and I’m just some shallowe asf human who couldn’t even save her own grandfather. 

I’m so done, every single day, I keep thinking about how I just should have died instead, why was I born, why did anyone  have to deal with my bullshit, I just keep making everyone’s life harder, and more difficult. 

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with me being an asshole, I just want to stop talking forever. I don’t want to upset anyone or be upset anymore, I’m so tired of everything. 

I know he’s not gonna talk to me anymore, because I’m not worth it, even though it doesn’t make sense to just suddenly disappear one day, that is exactly what i did, and i’m so heartbroken, I still don’t understand why he wouldn’t talk to me. I texted so many days, I’m tired of everything at this point, I want him to text me so bad. 

I need to realize that I cannot get everything I want, and there is no way he will text me, no fucking way he will ever text me, he disappeared away from my life, i don’t why the moment i was satisfied with the way things were, it had to be taken away from me, why did it have  to be taken away from me........... 

He probably even texted the wrong person, he probably intended to text his girlfriend, but ended up texting me because I was the last person who sent him a message or maybe when he was drunk, he couldn’t differentiate between Japanese and Thai, and ended up sending me a text instead of someone else. 

Why do you always suddenly disappear like this, why do you always suddenly shut people off like this, I’m pretty sure it’s because you’re INFJ, I don’t even know what I’m blabbering on about at this point. 

This is high time, I need to give up. 

[unnamedfiles]

I didn’t think I have to end up writing on this unnamed website again, but happiness never lasts forever. i wonder why happiness must come to an end, why must bad things happen, why must unfortunate things happen, when I’m happy I’m not very happy but when I’m sad Im extremely sad. 

i don’t feel like writing anything anymore, im going

[unnamedfiles]

A few things have changed, and I don’t know if I’m feeling sad or happy or just numb. Nothing seems to affect me anymore. I guess I’m emotionally tired, if that is so, I would like to be this way forever, if  there is anything at all I would like to focus on, it would be knowing how to be able to survive in this world without fighting for things that are affected by emotions. I feel and know that I’m alone in this world, but it doesn’t make me lonely, i guess it’s like a realization. I hate being vulnerable to anyone, and I don’t think I could ever be  able to let go of this feeling, of wanting to be needed by people. I guess it would give me a sense of superiority if people needed me, but I didn’t need them. Maybe that is how it is now, though I have never been without people for long periods of time, so I wouldn’t consider it a determining factor, for the question of whether I need people to survive or not. 

I honestly hate it when people compliment me, or tell me good things about myself, because I know people, just like me, are massive liars, so they will say anything just to satisfy the other party, just like I never mean compliments, I bet they don’t as well, and I’m really well aware of that, so it’s out of the question to believe it when someone says good things about me. I hate myself, and there is no way, I could love myself, I think the only way I could escape issues, is to avoid them completely, and not let them affect me anymore, just like this. 

It’s kind of hard to imagine that people would love me for who I am or something, because I know that’s not true, and that’s not what will happen, if they say it, they’re probably just being nice. I appear good looking on social media, and everything, but trust me, I’m not, I’m really fucking ugly lol, and there is no way I could ever change that because I was born with this, and I’m honestly not sad about it, because I know it’s something I can’t change, and it’s not worth my time. 

I read a manhwa recently, of a person who was under a lot of stress, the person had a situation exactly similar to mine. He talked about how he lived in the dark, and when people tried to pull him out of it, he felt bad for his own loved ones, who might also have suffered just because of him, so he chose to return to the unknown, the dark. 

I thought about it, and I just had a very similar situation, and everything, and I felt like would someday, I also have to escape? Would I also have to escape everything in this way? I’m lucky because I can forgive, the act of forgiveness is an ingrained part of my personality, I just let go of the mistakes others have made, but when it comes to my own mistakes, why can’t i let it go? Why do I have to beat myself over it? Maybe it’s because of how I think I’m all alone. 

I write down, in this blog, just because I know no one is reading, and I could tell people, but at the same time, not tell anyone about how I’m feeling, and............ I honestly don’t know, what I want to do, but I want to do something that makes the people around me happy. 

These days, when I think of the future, I don’t see anything, I don’t have any hopes or aspirations for it, I just see it as blank, neither dark nor too happy, it feels like it doesn’t even exist at all. It’s amusing and strange to think about surviving for so long, what if the way I feel about life doesn’t change? What if I can never get out of this feeling that’s stuck in my head? 

I don’t feel like I’m suppressed, or anything, I just have given up on everything you know, nothing feels sad or happy anymore, so I’m alright, I guess. I know I gotta reply to people, because they have been there for me and they care about me, and I know they will help me when I need to vent out. 

I don’t even know if I will feel pain, if anyone around me dies anymore, that’s how numb I have become, so like, I honestly really want this to stay, and I hope it stays for a long time, atleast I won’t have to feel pain, it’s fine if I’m not happy, I just don’t want to be sad anymore, and avoid it at all costs. 

[unnamedfiles]

I wonder how you think of me, whenever I text you, I wonder what face you make, do you smile, do you scowl, or do you find it annoying? I want to know what is there between us, I like you, and you said we’re friends, but are we really friends, if I love you this much? I wonder if my feelings are burdening for you, I wonder if you’re being kind to me just because you know I like you, and you’re a nice person so you don’t want to hurt me. 

I like you, but I’m okay with being just friends with you

you told me, “let’s be friends, but when I work on myself, am satisfied with who I am, and I feel perfect, let’s think about it together” 

Didn’t you say that to me just because you didn’t want to reject me and make me sad? I know I always wanted and waited for closure, but I can’t stop being happy, everytime you talk to me, and honestly, I think it would be too much to ask for you to start conversations with me, or reply to me, at all, because we’re not dating, and we have no obligations/ 

Why won’t you talk to me? Why didn’t you call me back, I waited for an hour, but you never came back. It’s been 3 days now, will you ever come back? I hate how I never get tired of waiting for you, and keep hoping you’ll reply, but you never do. 

I wonder if I’m that annoying for you, but you still talk to me, I’m sorry for bothering you, I hate myself too, because of the way I am, and I wish I could do something about it. Honestly, I feel like screaming out to the world telling everyone how much I love you, how much I want to talk to you. 

When we called each other, and sang songs, I was the happiest person, your sweet voice, and the way you laughed whenever you were nervous, I love everything. 

Once I start writing about you, I could go on forever, about why I love you, and what sucks is that, I never thought I’d fall in love with you, I never even could imagine I’d be so madly in love with you. 

I thought of people who watch livestreams live that perverted, but as soon as I realized you watch it, I cleared that negative opinion of mine. 

I wonder how I can make you mine. I know this relationship is never going to work out, we could only ever be online friends, because I’ve lied to you, and I don’t even deserve to talk to you, and yet you still are so kind, so gentle, with me, I can’t help but love you. 

I’m sorry I know you think these feelings are burdening, and.......... I wish I could do something about it. The you, who hates how he looks, is so perfect to me. You’re so perfect and beautiful to me,  I love every inch of who you are. 

The you, who has a complex about his height, I promise you I will love you so much, that you won’t have to worry about it anymore. I’ll tell you everyday how beautiful you are, and how happy you make me feel. 

I’ll run my hands through your hair, and tell you how precious you are to me, everyday, so why can’t it be me?

I could hear you talk to me all day long, even if you’re talking about another girl, as long as I could talk to you, I’d be happy, I’d be so happy to hear your voice. Your voice sounds really cute when you sing, I want to hear that, too. 

I’m sorry for being so selfish, asking you for all this, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, it’s all your choice, and I have no right to speak, I didn’t really mean to......... I didn’t mean to pressurize you like this, I’m sorry. I;m happy with what I have, I really am, so, don’t bother, I just want you to be happy, and I’m sorry for lying to you, I’m sorry for all that, I know I don’t deserve even one bit of it. 

I need to stop being so hopeful, I don’t know why I keep hoping, when you’ve already made it clear to me, that you see me as a friend, I’m sorry, and......... I’m sorry I keep asking you for more, I should really know my place, I don’t deserve anything of this, so......... I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I need to know my place, peacocks can’t fly. 

I know you don’t feel like talking to me, and I’m probably just someone you have to reply to, just because you’re nice, I just wanted to say, that, I’m here for you, no matter what, so........ even if you feel like throwing me away, if you ever need me, I’ll come to you running, so.......... please talk to me...... 

[unnamedfiles]

I don’t mind being your slave if I can have you

I’m angry, frustrated, depressed with life, but all of that will go away if I can have you, I know you give me attention, and talk to me, only when you’re bored, and want to feel “important”, the “me” you’re talking to is a lie, and the “you” that i know, is a lie too. We are just made up of lies, and I fell in love with a lie, you’re someone I can’t even see, but oh god, I could kill, if it was for you. 

If you ask me to be a slave for you, I’d do it happily, at least I’d feel wanted by you. What can I say, am I in love with you or am I just obsessed with you? Whenever you talk to me, I feel like my life is filled with happiness, and fulfillment, I’m scared that I have let you take full control of my life, and it doesn’t seem to stop. 

You’re perverted, you’re selfish, you’re insensitive, you don’t want to listen, but why do I still want you so bad? Why do you look so perfect to me despite everything? You’re a demon, you’re someone I don’t want, you’re someone I wish I could throw away from the face of the earth, but before that, I want to hold you, and tell you, that I love you. 

I might sound like a psychopath, but trust me, I’m like this just towards you, because I love you. I love you so much  it hurts. You always come into my life, the moment I stop wanting you, and keep pestering me, until I start wanting you all over again. 

I’m so done, with you, I want to stop loving you, I want to get you out of my head, and I want to stop thinking of you when I sing those songs. I wonder why I asked you that question, I wonder why I had to ask you that, you’re just a friend, I thought I’d get closure, and I’d finally move on if you rejected me, but why does it feel so difficult, I have promised myself, that I won’t be in touch with you anymore. I will not talk to you, unless you text me, and the next message you text me I will not reply unless you’re asking me a question. 

I want you to be happy, that’s all I want, but i want you to atleast fucking talk to me. 

[unnamedfiles]

beautiful boy

I met this boy, so beautiful, so genuine, it makes me want to protect him. He tells me his only wish in life, is to die fighting meaningfully, oh how could I not fall in love with this boy. If there is one thing I would want right now, it would be to pat him on the head, and melt all his troubles away. I want to escape with him to the world of the Darling of the Franxx. I don’t have to be his lover, if he doesnt want me to, but if I could, I would want to protect him, and take care of him. I want to be the shoulder he cries on, if at all. Oh please, just let me be with him. He tells me if it would be easier if he died, if he would rest easier, and could be in another world. I told him that anything would be better than this world. I wish I could tell him, anything is better than this world, where I cannot hold his hand, or hold him, when he’s crying, where I cannot protect him when he’s being attacked, or wipe away his tears. I wonder if this is what they call love, because if it is, it would be the loveliest and the most painful thing, I’ve been through. Why is that I can’t seem to let him go, and the moment I try, he holds my hand, and tells me, “hey, im here”. If there was a way I could take all his troubles away, I’d do it happily. Would he then, tell me he loves me? Would he then hold my hand forever? A single word from him, is enough to make or break my day, I hate how much control he has over me, and poor boy, he’s not even aware. If there is anything I could do for him, I’d do it in a heartbeat. I told him, I’d kidnap him if he even thought of dying, and he so sweetly asked me to kidnap him. I so wish I could do that. I wish I could breathe into him, all the courage and happiness he could ever want. He’s been through a lot, and life has hurt him so much, I wish I could kick all his troubles away, I want to be there for him, I want to be his shield, who would protect him at all cost. 

He doesn’t love me, but I would do anything, just to listen to him forever, I want to listen to his sweet voice, which tells me his stories. 

[unnamedfiles]

I feel tied down to a rope that belongs to no one but myself. I keep claiming it belongs to you, but you don’t even want me. You don’t even want me to have any part of you, you don’t want me to own anything that’s yours. What am I, what are we? I don’t know. I wish I could ask you, but you don’t even want to talk to me.

You want me to get away from you, and yet, why do I keep wanting to be with you forever? I wish i could leave everything in this part of the world, and be with you. I could give up everything that is mine, if only you wanted me.

It’s been a while since I’ve talked to you, and I miss everything that was between us. I miss talking to you late at night, I miss listening to your gentle, caring voice, your giggles, I miss everything, and all I can do is cry, because they are not for me anymore. Neither do I deserve them, nor do you want to give them to me. In this world full of nobodies, I’m just a nobody too. You’re the gentle star, so bright, so dazzling, you’ve blinded me. You’re everything I could ever want.

Sometimes, I feel like the weight of my desires, could burn a hole through me, and the pain that it would cause, would be what I deserved. I could only beg for happiness, because I’m neither deserving nor worthy of it.

All I can do is turn to escapism. I’ve been trying to escape the reality of us, and I’ve been hoping it could still work out, and we could be happy, but I’m a liar and I’m delusional, your reality is not my reality. Our reality is not the world’s reality.

You only loved me when I was a lie, and now that I’ve slowly tried to unravel myself, you don’t want me anymore. I had always known the reality would be too pathetic to accept, too pathetic to want, but I wanted you to be the last person to be entangled in my lies. I wanted you to know who I am, I wanted you to love me for who I was.

When you asked me if I was sleepy, with that sweet mouth of yours, I swear I could have fallen asleep just so I could dream about you being with me, in a land where we both could have been happy, and we’d be together, having everything we could ever want.

I’m so selfish, I keep forgetting, you don’t even want me. I keep forgetting none of this could ever happen. I’ve once again, put you in a situation you don’t even want. I’ve burdened and troubled you.

I want to tell you I love you, but I’m scared of who I am. You keep drifting away from me, farther and farther away. I open your messages, just to see nothing, but unseen and unreplied texts.

You’ve been doing other things, growing up, moving on, while I’ve been standing in the same place. I can’t move and I don’t want to move. I keep hoping you’ll come back for me, you’ll come back and take me with you, and I keep following you, but you don’t even want to hear my footsteps.

Again, I keep troubling you with the sound of me chasing you, when all you could ever want is to listen to the sound of the person next to you. I’m sorry for being this loud, I just want to be heard by you, I just want you to listen to me. I want you to hear my voice.

The girl next to you, is everything I would ever want to be. Her footsteps are prettier than mine, her voice is melodious. She’s bright, and she’d good at what she does. She’s everything I would ever want to be. She’s everything you could ever want.

I get goosebumps, every time I think of you, because it keeps reminding me that I can’t have you. You don’t want to hurt me, you don’t even want to make me happy. You just don’t want to have to do anything with me.