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[unrrrreliable]

de perto ninguém é normal

[unrrrreliable]

13.07.2023 Q ODIO PORRA

por q a gnt tem q ser tao diferente? por que eu sou tao feio porraaaaaaaaaaaaaaa eu não aguento mais me olhar no espelho pqp eu sou muito feio caralho. mimha cara é extremamente assimétrica, meu queixo e jugular sao estreitos, minhas sobrancelhas não sao irmãs são inimigas, eu odeio minha voz. to com acne cística fudida e a porra do remedio parece não ffazer efeito. uma das poucas coisas q eu gostava em mim era o meu cabelo, mas ontem eu fui cortar essa merda numa cabeleireirA ai pronto fudeu com o meu cabelo. ta chegando na metade da minha testa enorme a forma ta HORRIVEL PQP eu n consigo nem me olhar no espelho. eu literalmente cheguei a chorar por causa dessa merda. pq minha auto estima é tao baixa deus. eu real to pensando em fazer uma harmonizacao facial. já to com entrada e meu cabelo n para de cair, pelo menos minhas sobrancelhas tao voltando.

enfim voltando à minha vida emocional extremamente interessante e agitada:

eu so quero ter um namorado sabe, eu acho tao injusto ver esse bando de adolescente de 15-19 anos com namorado e eu aqui nessa mesma merda de sempre, pq é tao dificil achar alguem, vc praticamente não tem opção se não for padrao porra. eu me odeio dms pqp. 

essa coisa com v me quebrou demais, eu real me iludi e achei q ia rolar algo (= interesse por parte dele p me conhecer e não so chupar a minha rola). sla ninca cheguei a esse nivel de intimidade com um cara d aminha idade, e achei q ele tava a fim de mim também. mas tudo bem pq eu nem moro aqui ne então foda-se. mas é foda pqp so imaginar nos outros meninos de 19 anos q ele deve olhar e achar lindos e eu aqui nessa MERDA. puta que pariu. q saco porra. eu passo o dia todo pensando no meu rosto, em como ficar bonito. eu odeio tanto isso.

[unrrrreliable]

new dump - 13.07.2023

ok so SOOOO much time has passed

i really regret that i didnt write shit on here more often but oh well. 

vou escrever em português agora, cansei do ingles (americanos se fodam por favor)

então, eu nao sei nem por onde começar pq faz literalmente 1 ano e meio q eu escrevi aqui pela ultima vez eu acho. então vamo começar pelos eventos mais “marcantes” ou pelo menos q ocuparam e tao mais ocupando a minha cabeça:

- hoje é dia 13 de julho de 2023, eu to em recife;                                                  - há 3 dias (domingo dia 9) eu fiz o meu “ultimo” recital de piano. puta que pariu. eu acho q a ficha ainda nem caiu q eu nunca mais vou ter q tocar 3h de piano por dia. foi um inferno sabe? desde dia 22/06 eu so foquei no piano, foi bem pesado pq eu so pensava nisso e tinha um monte de coisa pra fazer até pq eu basicamente parei durante a maturita, mas enfim passou, talvez dps eu me dedique mais sobre esse assunto                                                                    - ano passado, quando eu vim pra ca, eu conheci um menino 1 dia antes de ir embora. o nome dele é vinicius e ele literalmente é neto da minha vizinha. a coisa engraçada é que ela sempre falou dele pra minha mãe (ha ANOS) mas a gente nunca tinha chegado a se conhecer. de fato, a gnt se conheceu graças ao grindr kkk. enfim, fatto sta che a gente se conheceu dia 29 de julho de 2022. foi assim:

a gnt conversou um pouco no gr ai a gnt percebeu q mora no mesmo predio, um em cima do outro. nesse dia eu fiz a minha despedida aq em casa. quando acabou, tomei um banho e desci pra casa dele - os pais e irmas tavam em touquinho. eu cheguei la, e a gnt conversou um pouco. ele até me deu um copo de vinho branco em uma xicara kkk enfim a gente falou de musica (a gnt tem gostos beeeem parecidos) mas nas mensagens eu tava parecendo um morto di cazzo, ai ele meio q achou q eu real so queria transar e tal (e realmente era so isso q eu idiota retardado queria). enfim, a gnt começou a se beijar dps de meia hora mais ou menos e passou quase 3h la. foi muuuuuuito  bom pqp ele é lindo e beija muito bem, a gnt tb chupou um ao outro,( e a rola dele pqp), ai eu voltei pra casa umas 3h da manhã. no dia seguinte a minha familia tava la em casa, mas ele me chamou pra vir la dnv, ent eu falei pro pessoal q eu ia buscar algo no carro e passei meia hora na casa dele, foi o mesmo esquema, a gnt se pegou e gozou kk alias eu gozei e ele não. enfim, passaram algumas horas e a gnt foi pro aeroporto. deixamos o carro na localiza e eu comecei a ficar BEEEEEEEM deprimido. não sei se é a palavra certa, mas eu real fiquei bem mal. ai eu percebi que eu tinha me apegado a ele. não sei se me apaixonei, mas eu não parava de pensar nele. eu so pensava na gente se beijando, nas mensagens dele, na conversa, na voz dele, no sorriso dele, escutava a musica q tava tocando enquanto a gnt se pegava (ele me mandou), ficava olhando as fotos dele do ig etc.. o vôo foi pior ainda: no segundo em q o aviao decolou, eu cobri a cbeça com um cobertor e chorei horrores ao som de lagrimas negras kkkk. meu deus q voo horrivel eu literalmente passei horas chorando (sempre com a cabeça coberta pra ninguem ver). ai foi dali a pior. eu passei meses MESES com esse menino na minha cabeça. as primeiras 2 semanas foram as piores. eu tava muuuuuuito triste alias não triste mas com um sentimento vazio, até pq a gnt so tinha se visto 2 vezes na vida. foi terrivel. minha melhor amiga daqui (laura) não gostou dele kkk por causa disso. eu demorei tanto pra superar ele q pqp. alias nem sei se superei ainda mas enfim. ele me adicionou no bereal até (wm outubro eu acho). enfim , eu com minhas inseguranças fiquei achando q ele perderia o interesse assim q eu chegasse aq e ele me visse ao vivo, e eu acho q foi isso q aconteceu. quer dizer, ele não me acha bonito mas ta interessado so por causa da minha rola q ele passou 2h chupando da outra vez. por q eu digo isso? então quando eu tinha acabado de chegar ele tinha dito q n tinha como a gnt fazer nd por que os pais dele iam ficar aqui, ou seja, n ia ter como a gente se chupar ou talvez até transar. ou seja, ele n tava pensando em fazer algo alternativo como tomar uma agua de coco na praia ou sla qualquer outra coisa q não envolva sexo. enfim. outra hipotese: quando a gnt tava num jantar na casa da avo dele (minha vizinha, q chamou  meus pais meu irmao e eu, ele as irmas e os pais)  tava eu meu irmao ele e a irma dele numa mesa comendo. ele e meu irmao conversaram horrores sobre festinha e bares etc (fiquei puto inclusive kkk) mas enfim, toda vez q ele falava ele olhava meu irmao nos olhos, ria q so etc. enquanto isso toda vez q eu falava com ele, ele parecia meio q destraido, olhava pra baixo, pra parede, evitava contato visual. fernanda e laura disseram q ele tava com vergonha provavelmente, e realmente faz sentido, mas laura tb disse q ele parece ser bem extrovertido (q é vdd). sla eu to mal mas eu tb já tava esperando, pq eu real sou muito mais bonito em foto do q ao vivo (selfie). então provavelmente esse tempo todo ele me imaginou q nem nas selfies pq n lembrava taaao bem da minha cara ai quando me viu ao vivo me viu. ai deu nisso. tb poha o cara del mais del 1300 seguidores, ele deve conhecer tanto macho padrao q quem sou eu na fila do pão sabe. mas enfim não quero ficar me sentindo coitadinho nem nada, o problema realmente é a carência. eu acho q eu fiquei bem mal e tal pq eu nunca tinha tido uma experiência “””””””romântica””””” como um menino antes. nem foi romantico mas sla foi diferente do resto. e certamente a rejeição do grindr tb não ajudou. essa porra desse aplicativo jogou minha auto-estima pro fundo do inferno e essa situação realmente não ajudou em nada tb n. e é isso, ainda tem tanta coisa pra dizer. eu tentei me convencer q não gostava dele mas sla, n da, n tem como eu controlar oq eu sinto. mas oq eu to sentido e uma distância. ele não reagiu no meu bereal nos ultimos 2 dias (ele sempre reagia, sem falta), e eu real to com a sensacão q se ele reagir é por causa do meu pau, não por que ele me acha bonito ou ta a fim de me conhecer. 

[unrrrreliable]

07.01.2022

lmfaoooooaoaoao i just reread my shit here and saw that june 8th one, where i say im “so grateful for her”. her in question is maria. oh the irony

[unrrrreliable]

07.01.2022

part 3

ok actually back to my birthday: at like 18:30 i send her a message and ask her if she wants to meet up (cause yk its my fucking birthday). more specifically, i say “are u still in the city or are u already at home?” bc she lives really far away so (tbh she could come back to see me if it was an actual friendship but yeah just realized that). she replies: “no, im at the gym rn and after this im gonna meet up with A (her best friend)” . wow. this felt like a stabbing right in my fucking chest. i cannot describe what i felt when i listened to that voice message. it was just this mix of frustration, humiliation, some sort of betrayal. 

it really felt like somebody just kicked me in the lungs, or idfk pushed me off a cliff. i was really surprised. like i get it if you cant go, but you choose not to and just say it directly to my face. i wasnt excpeting that asnwer at all. especially considering that i am (or thought i was) her best friend. i know that she doesnt have many friends and i thought A (girl) and i were her two best friends, turns out she only has one. god the worst part is that i didnt get visibly mad, but honestly what would even be the point? why should i hold on to a friendship like that. on a serious note, that 4 second message shattered me into a thousand pieces. it hurt me so much i could almost physically experience it. i really hope even the person i hate the most never feels it. 

so yeah, i meet up with fernanda, we talk and stuff, i tell her i have to go to the conservatory but really i just go walk around and try to process what the fuck just had happened. i start listening to my 2021 recap playlist on spotify but i end up on das (my sad music playlist). i have to admit i was lost in self pity. also i didnt go play the piano cause i could barely concentrate. like shit imagine two of your best friends ditching you on your fucking birthday. i remember now, actually originally i took the bus go to music school but i started tearing up so i just got out the bus at the train station and balled my eyes out walking down. god i think i cried for like 2 hours. i just sat down on one of those benches next to cattedrale di san lorenzo. at first i was just sobbing uncontrollably, just letting out all the confusion, sorrow, and a sort of grief. then it kinda got to a stable point where i was just looking at the sky and replaying everything in my head, questioning my friend choices. tbh it was one of the worst days of 2021. to this day i havent told anyone. im probably telling fernanda tho. but god what a shit day. 

so yeah this was my 18th birthday

[unrrrreliable]

07.01.2022

its midnight now lol

anyways, on autumn break we decided to go to amsterdam, everything was going fine until like 3 days before the day we were supposed to go i realized the tickets i had bought werent valid anymore because the airline (alitalia) had gone bankrupt. long story short, i had to tell her, she got really mad (not at me - maybe yes but she didnt say in case-) and my mom got really mad, i felt like shit bc i didnt care to change the tickets after the arline had announced it was shutting down (3 weeks prior). anyways, after that i noticed that maria was just acting different. kind of apathetic, really not that excited. we get to the airport (i bought new tickets), it gets better, but as soon as we get to the hotel in amsterdam she kind of loses her sparkle. whatever, she sprobably tired. throughout most of the trip tho she remains like that. like u can see she’s not excited excited yk. the second and third night we met up with some friends of hers from ukraine. 1st night: started off nice, we met up at kfc and i ate a bucket of 20 chicken wings (worst decision of my life). after finishing eating we go straight to the coffee shop, i get my fake id ready and we get the weed. sativa. second worst decision was inhaling that shit like it was ventolin. after like 5 minutes and 3 pulls i start feeling really weird, no force, wanna vomit, get really hot and dizzy, i just storm out the coffee shop and try to puke but nothing goes out. i sit down in the street (it was an alley w a bunch of ppl - friday night-) and try to not throw up. stomach gets kinda better but atp im fucking baked. we get (they) a tavble at a nearby sandwich shop and they get me a coke. they sit me down for like 1h and im just plunged in oblivion. everything fades in and out, marias records me, idgaf. 1h later i feel like im able to walk so i try to and surprisingly dont fail. we rush to the bus stop, im still stoned and can barely keep my head up, they just run like that was the last fucking chance to get to their hotel. maria says were going to their room wo asking me if i even wanted to but ok. while we run to the tram stop shes just running with them like 5m ahead of me and occasionally looks back to check on me. idk why i got mad at her after that but whatever. we then get to our room, i staert feeling better, at this point theyre only speaking and russian and ofc i dont understand shit. at some point she looks at me and goes “can u go to sleep i wanna have fun”. again i got kinda sad when she said that but i really just pretended i didnt understand what she had said. thay went outside for like 10min to smoke again and then came back. the rest of the night isnt really relevant.

so 2nd night was a little spicier. red light district, we went to see a live sex show lmfao. just some strippers and ppl fucking in front of us. nothing that special tbh but it was funny. after that we go to a coffee shop and smoke there for like 2h. at the beginning i ask some random questions in english to her friends n shit but they just give short answers and than switch back to russian. she doesnt really seem to care, matter of fact at some point she goes “sorry im too high to speak english” like damn i didnt know weed makes u retarded but whatever. 

the following day were at a normal coffee shop having breakfast and when coming from the bathroom i peep at her phone and notice she posted a story on her close friends. i grab my phone and look for it while shes in the bathroom but dont find anything. i check her highlights (where she has some regular stories and some from her close friends) the close friends ones are gone. wierd. i vividly remember that she was checking the views and there was a green tag so i know it was hers. tbh i think it was a video of me stoned af, not that i care too much but the fact that she removed me from the stories to post that really says a lot. the video in itself isnt that bad but i had asked her not to post it. 

so yeah other than that theres also the fact that she would be on her phone all the fucking time. on the bus, tram, at lunch, while we were eating. fucking great. 

when i confronted her about all this she made up some shit - she acc aknowledged the speaking russian thing thing, but she said that she was just checking social media bc we had been talking the whole day so it was kind o flike a break - makes no sense but whatever. 

anywaysssss back to my birthday: yeah after the trip our friendship kind of fell off. not that we stopped being friends, but i ignored her for a week bc i was genuinely mad at her for said reasons. eventually she apologized but the close friends thing made me realize that were not close friends at all (sorry for the pun - its genuinely not meant to be “deep” but thats the simplest way to put it). like why did you hide something so blatant? also just in general her mood was just off. and she really didnt make an effort to cheer up. so yeah after we made up i really started looking at her a different way. i didnt fully express what happened in amsterdam on here but it was just a lot of sketchy shit. as in, i dont think a true friend would do this kind of stuff.

[unrrrreliable]

06.01.2022

wow happy new year time fucking flies.

starting off by saying that turning was really wierd. actually lemme start by telling a little bit about my birthday

so on dec 1st at around 23:00 i started getting reeeally anxious lol. sitting on my bed, everyone asleep, restlessly checking the clock and couting the minutes. then the time finally came. 00:00. december 2nd 2021. 18 fucking years old. ik im making this really dramatic but idk, in my head it really wasnt a regular birthday (duh bc it isnt anyway im just writing this not to sound dumb) anyways. felt really wierd, 8teen playing on repeat ofc, finally not underage anymore? not that i was specifically waiting for this but idk felt really free ig. wierd sensation. anyways at like 1:30 i go to sleep and wake up at 7:30. thursday morning, dont have english class, yay 45 more min to do shit. come to school at 9:00, a girl in my class (with whom i never talk to) asks me if its my birthday, i say it is. she and her friend say happy birthday, actually a nice way to start it. now that i think about it she found it out bc she saw a friend of mines story (ill get to that later). i got to class, a bunch of classmates say happy birthday, teacher also does, everything is fine. then two classmates (girls) come in with a biscuit and a candle and start singing happy birthday lol. that was really sweet. break was eh, pretending to answer a bunch of happy birthday messages on my phone, in class. nothing special. but i mean i cant really complain. 

12:30, lunch time, i had organized to meet up with t, a and s. regular friend group - my only one -, actually we dont really meet up that often but yk its better than nothing.  (btw t and s are girls, a is a dude). i meet up with the girls and we wait for a who goes to another school. after a good 15min of writing him, calling him, he finally answers my friends phone call and says he cant come bc he busy. i pretended it was nothing but tbh i was really fucking hurt lol. i guess u can understand why, like he didnt even answer MY messages. like i get hes kinda wierd n shit but bro cmon u couldve at least answered. but whatever we go to mcdonalds n shit. kinda akward conversations but its fine. the most akward thing is that we all knew they were like the only ppl i could go out with, as in the only group of friends ig? but tbh that doesnt reeeaallly bother me.

fast forward to like 4pm, im at home playing the piano, have a small discussion with my mom bc i was rude to her - long story short, she really wanted to organize my birthday party but idk why that made me feel like an idiot so i said i would do it myself. she then told me that was one of the only things that sorta gave her pleasure, the feeling that she still has some kind of utility in the house now that my brother and i are growing up. when i said that i realized how much of a dick i had been. i apologize, she doesnt accept it (rightfully so) and i leave the house, say im going to the conservatory. i meet fernanda and we go buy some booze, just for the fun of it. it was really funny when the cashier looked at my id and was like “oh its today?? happy birthday!”. fernanda gave me a cheap terranova ripped jeans jacked which i think is horrible but idc. like at all. im just so grateful that she was there yk. ill get to that later on. so yeah my brother and mom got more mad than me for the jacket i got (bc it was ugly and probably cost like 5 francs) but again, i really didnt give a fuck. anyways it was nice meeting up with her. tbh i think shes my only real friend. i never told her that.

oh yeah small parenthesis but before meeting up w f i went to the therapist lol. not that it played a big role but yk just for the record.

so here is when it gets to the absolute fucking worst part. god even thinking avbout it makes me wanna fucking cry lol. idk if im being dramatic but idk so here you go:

theres this other best friend, which not is just a friend: maria. i call her marussia because she likes it, and idk it has some personality. so we met in prima, classmates. she had just arrived form ukraine and spoke very little italian, so me kinda relating to her i decided to befriend her, also bc she really seemed like a nice person. not that she isnt, well acc she isnt perfect but whatever. funny enough she was actually the one that first started a conversation. so yeah we built up a really good friendship, we used to have this whatsapp groupchat with 3 other ppl, with which we dont really talk a lot anymore. so the pandemic came but we still kept in touch, the summer, no more quarantine, we used to go out like all the time bc nobody was going anywhere lol. so yeah summer was ok, we were good friends n shit. fast forward to november 2021.

im gonna make another part cause this is too fucking long

[unrrrreliable]

26.09

tbh i regret not writing one here more often. its not like seeing the shit ive went through is nice but idk i like it. really gives me the opportunity to vent. but anyways

kinda distancing myself from that subject

am i ever going to fall in love? im 17 and cigarette and idk, ive never felt what everyone describes as love. my stomach has never dropped when seeing someone, ive never gotten particularly shy around someone, never really felt the crave of someone and an intense desire for that person to be mine. as embarrassing as it may sound ive never gotten my first kiss ffs. wtf am. i doing wrong????? im turning 18 in 2 months and i cant even sort my shit out. jesus. i just wanna feel that attraction, have someone that i genuinely love, trust, have by my side no matter the circumstances, even go through a breakup for that matter, mature, discover things abt myself, have sex, spend time with that person, listen to music together, do stuff together, even if its just hanging out and not doing shit for hjours. why cant i have someone to do that with? 

idk i just feel so empty, i feel like it already shouldve happened but instead im here rotting and trying to get by. and honestly it wouldnt even be that difficult to hide it from everyone, ffs why is it so hardddddddd

:(((((((( im not into girls

[unrrrreliable]

08.06

its 22.59 and i can’t stop crying.

i really just wanna text m and tell her how grateful i am for her, but it would sound like im about to kill myself so im not gonna do that

[unrrrreliable]

08.06.2021

so much stuff happened

i dont even know where to start lol. actually ive wanted to come on here a few times but i didnt know the password but oh well.

so to summarize all the stuff thats been happening/has happened this past 8 months: 1- school, no friends (in my class), same shit. 2- my dad got drunk on february 5th and got stuck in the fucking park at like 23.00 and my brother and i had to call security to open the gate and then we also had to call the police and the ambulance because he was too drunk and aggressive. and 3- i had this fucking piano competition on march 21st, got the 1 prize which was reaaallly wide as in a lot of people, even those who didnt really deserve it, got it. basically it was really fucking stressfull since i was practicing the wrong way, didnt make huge progress, wanted to stop and cried a lot. but hey its been a month (the 2nd and last part was on may 8th and it went pretty bad because i got like 5th prize. i know i competed against ppl who are in university but i still couldve done better and anyone who comforted me knows that. i also went to the therapist a few times. is it helping? well i cant say that it isnt, but yk. at least its someone i can talk to. 

right now i still have to practice for my piano exam which will be on june 24th. its going fine ig, although i didnt study properly for like a month. thank fuck tests are done bc i seriously couldnt do any more of that shit istg. 

to be fair whats worst in this precise moment is my school situation,. not academic, but social. so as you know, i havent reallyyy tried to be part of the boy group in my class, as in i dont really talk to them, mostly because i just have no idea of what to say to start a conversation so it gets really akward. but today my mom came into my room asking me if there was a cena di classe today and ofc i said no bc no one had invited me. but then i remembered that yesterday a few ppl were organizing something for today. i think it wasnt only the 4 guys but there also were some girls but im not sure. either was, not trying to be dramatic but that kinda hurt lol. like i know i dont talk a lot in class but what would it cost you to invite me. but whatever. i also cried 30 min ago. it felt good afterwards tbh. but i still kinda feel like shit. its just the fact that this whole school year ive been really fucking lonely. not 0 friend lonely, but generally in class i would be kind of a loner. like i only talked to the two girls who sit behind me and who of course have their own friend group, which they have had since middle scjhool. my middle school friend group basically dismantled since two of theme are in one class and therefeore formed their own group, two others went to another school and another one, which is basically the only one i talk to daily, is in a different school. and honestly we dont go out that much anymore because i stopped writing. i realized that i was the only one who would ever call them so i felt that i was being kinda clingy or maybe i just didnt get the message. anyways, i know that i couldve tried harder and actually get in the group but idk, i just didnt care. obviously it sucked to be alone and i knew why i was and what i had to do in order not to be it anymore, but idk why i just didnt try enough. so yeah this school year sucked ass. at least im changing classes next year. 

one of the reasons why i didnt really bond w them is that were just different people who have different tastes and interests. they talk a lot about video games and football, which i have no understanding of. generally every interaction i have with them is really akward. but still i feel like and know that i couldve tried harder. what sucked is that all my friends are in other classses and formed their own friend groups and are just moving on yk? it kinda tore apart the friend group but im happy for them. meanwhile i was stuck in that class. not many friends tbh, never went out and still never go out. wow nice im crying again. 

tbh what really sucked was going home at lunch or after school alone and seeing wveryone with their own friend groups. and yes again, i know that i could have waited for them or just tried to conversate with them, but whenever i waited for them or tried to catch up they just walked faster (not on purpose) but it was impossible to even squeeze myself in so i was just like whatever. also what really sucks is that they (plus another guy who literally is always hanging out with his girlfriend) are the only guys in my class. and i cant only hang out with girls cause yk.

i also miserably attempted to form a group which consisted of me g g v and v. it failed because g and g started getting all bitchy and viscious and i was like ok then fuck off. plus theyre always w their boy/girlfriend, and v is always w g. and i literaly have never even had a conversation with v. 

but im so glad m exists. shes one of my best friends. i really like being around her, talking to her, i like the way she just lives life and is up to anything. also she’s always there. i just love her so much. not in a romantic way though. i also really like f but she hangs out with her boyfriend every satuday, which was the day we used to hang out. i still love talking to her and being with her. those are basically roughly the only two people i hang out with. like i cant really think of anyone else except for my old middle school friend group with which the last time we all hung up was in march. 3 months ago. i hung out w a, in the middle of april i think. but that was it. so of course we dont hang out regularly. also, i havent gone out for the entirety of may, which again i know is my fault, like i couldve asked anyone in my class. the boys dont really go out tho, bc i know e only hangs out w his out-of-our-class friends. and tbh i feel like if the 4 of them went out he would invite me (questionable?). but idk. but again, i really like hanging out w her, acc we went to milan on friday. it was really nice. we both enjoyed it a lot. theres still something i wanna say about her but my mom is calling me so i have to wipe out my tears haha

see ya

[unrrrreliable]

06.10.2020

im feeling something which i think is kinda strange. so today we had class as usual, so 5 classes sitting in the front row on the left by myself (theres 23 people in the class and you cannot change your seat - wish i had known that on the first day of school-), not much socializing except when we did a geography work and a classmate didnt come so her benchmate (whos actually one of the people i talk to the most) sat next to me for 20 minutes. except that, not much and honestly im used to it, not to make drama but at school you dont really get to talk (during class i mean) or maybe its just me since just turn around to talk to people but other than that i just stay in my place. so in physics, last class everybody put their tables together and guess what the only person that just stayed in their place was me. not complaining i didnt feel like shit i was just like “well yeah im the only person from my class from next year and everyone else pretty much knows each other”. but then a girl came and asked if i wanted to sit with her and 3 other girls and i said ok. we (they) did the work and i didnt understand shit lol. anyways, at the end of the class, i left the classroom by myself and thats when i was like hm something is off. not in a bad way but also not in a good way. maybe its just me i have no idea but oh well 

[unrrrreliable]

ETUIBHWOIEUFAODIJVQNEOIFVNUMDO

JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IM SO FUCKING ANGRY WHY THE ACTUAL FUCK DOES MY BITHC ASS BROTHER WANNA FOLLOW ALL MY FRIENDS ON INSTAGRAM LIKE FOR FUCKS SAKE WHAT IS THE POINT YOU DONT EVEN KNOW THEM WHY THE FUCK DO YOU CARE ABOUT SOME FUCKING INSTAGRAM FOLLOWERS HJESUS FUCKING BITCH ASS PUSSY ASS FUCKING CHRIST WHY CAN YOU NOT FOLLOW EVERY SINGLE PERSON I KNOW LIKE FUCKING HELL DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO SEE EVERYTHING THEY FUCKING POST FUCKING GOD ITS LIKE YOU WANNA SEE EVERYTHING PEOPLE POST ABOUT ME JESUS CHRIST ON A FUCKING WHEELCHAIR

[unrrrreliable]

alcoholic dad pt. 2

after a good 15 minutes of that bullshit, my dad sat on the bed with red crying eyes and started saying, in other words, that my  mom was “abusing him” etc. side note he has a huge victim complex and never blames himself for anything. my brother tapped his shoulder in order to comfort him and i just stood there, hoping that that would just end and we could carry our day like normal people. we then went to the kitchen (while my dad was still drunk). we started to talk, actually no, there was a really akward 5 minute long silence. basically we started talking and my dad said that he thought that my mom was borderline. now that i remembered it: they had an argument before my dad drank: my mom said that whenever she looked at him and he was drunk, she wanted him to die, because she only remembers her father, which was one of the biggest causes of her codependency and a lot of problems she carried for her whole life. she also remembers the traumatic experiences she had to face every single day when her dad would come home drunk. thats why he drank. anyways after the whole chit chat shit he went to sleep (at 7pm) and of course, as always, the next day he forgot everything. a week later, my mom told us that my dad is an alcoholic. that sounded really wierd to us. she said that my dad would drink a lot. like a lot. but we didnt notice, and she never argued with him, so he would get aggressive. also he would drink a lot when we lived here from 2010 to 2013, that was one of the reasons my mom got depression.

this made me realise why we kept moving in our childhood. i feel bad when i remember this but i used to think it was my moms fault, because she used to tell me that we moved back because she wasnt feeling like living in brazil/switzerland anymore. and i thought thaz was kinda selfish. but no, she did the best thing she could have. thanks to her, we didnt grow up with an alcoholic father. she always managed to hide it from us. i will never be able to show her how  much i appreciate that. of course, moving every 3 years has its consequences but it was worth it. i just have to thank my mom for all of it.

so yeah this is one of the things i found out this summer.

also, in 2018 my brother and dad went to germany to my brother’s godfather’s.  lets call him T. she sent the two of them so that they could have some father-son bonding. thats fine, ok, but long story short, there they another of T’s godchildren. it was a guy same age as my brother. when they came back, my dad talked about him to my mom as “very mature (unlike my brother), tall and could cook israeli food”. two years later my mom told that to me. this made me really sad for 2 days. of course my mom was also really offended, because he said in other words that she hadnt raised him well enough for him to be mature. what really dissappointed me and made me angry was the “tall” thing. because  what he meant was to compare how tall that guy was and how short my brother is (170cm at the time), especially because that was really affecting my brothers’s self-esteem. he would only leave the house with 3cm shoe lifts. either way, the fact that my dad was judging something that my brother had absolutely no control of and something that is completely irrelevant was what triggered me. to this day im still dissapointed because i know he judges us for things we simply cannot change or manipulate. i know that my mom did overshare, but i feel like its a good thing that i know that. but of course im never telling that to my brother, it would tear him apart. so yeah, this summer is going like shit, also because of the fact that i’ve literally became bald in 2 months... but thats another story

[unrrrreliable]

alcoholic dad

i found out that my dad is an alcoholic. he has been one for 20 years. my fathers story is very complex, but basically when he was in his mid 20s he got punched in the face in the middle of a train and his brain got “slightly” damaged (as in he didnt fucking die). his frontal lobe got kinda messed up, so he makes a lot of actions impulsively . and he’s reaaaallly bad at managing stuff like money and planning stuff like trips. for example, if you tell him to buy 1L of milk in the grocery store he’ll buy 3. because of that, my mom always makes the decisions, thay always have to pay the bills together and my mom needs to check if he isnt “wasting” any money as in giving it to the church (which doesnt need any money at all since we’re in fucking switzerland and the government funds the church). theres some stuff we dont know if he already had or if it was caused by that accident. nonetheless, my dad only told that to my mom when she was pregnant with me, the youngest of 2 children. of course, my mom couldnt just leave. she said, if he had said that before my brother and i were born, she would’ve left him. honsetly, i cant judge her, because he is disabled, kind of, so it would be really hard to build up a family with such a person (spoiler alert - it was). my dad is also really detatched from the world, like he lives in his own world. sometimes, when i was 1-3 and my brother 3-6, he would just leave the house with 0 warning and stay out for 7 hours without answering the phone. obviously, my mom would panic because she’d always think something bad happened to him but then, at the end of the day (literally), he would come back as if nothing had happened. he would do that constantly. until we moved out to brazil. this happened in 2007. i was 3, my brother 6. life there was really nice: my brother and i started kindergarten and prmary school, my mom was studying to make an exam which would allow her to work for some kind of fbi (receita federal). it was a really good job with a high salary, but she had to study hours a day. my dad was making a phd in something in germany but living in brazil. side note: he didnt put any effort to learn portuguese, search a job in brazil, anything. that was his passive-aggressive way to tell my mom that he didnt want to live in brazil and he wanted us to come back to switzerland. in 2010, after hours of hard work and study, my mom passed the exam and could work in rf. but then, my dad was  depressed and said he wanted us to come back to switzerland. my mom says he wasnt actually depressed. honestly, depressed or not, he shouldnt have used that as an excuse to take us out of there and my mom after she had put on so much time to study for that exam. basically he didnt give a fuck about her. i feel really bad writing this because my mom really studied a lot and she wouldve been an excelent professional. flash forward, we move back to switzerland, this time in the italian part. my mom says she wanted to come here because of the language and because in this city theres a mountain that looks like pão de açúcar (sugar bread or whatever its called - that one in rio). obviously its not because of that, i assume its because she just didnt want to live in the german part since she was very discriminated and that lead to her hating the language and just the energy. and of course he didnt do anything to defend her. so we move here and my mom gets depression. i dont remember much of her being depressed, but i vividly remember calling her to watch some “family movies” but she would never come because she was in her room, precisely in her bed, depressed. she would sometimes sleep until midday, but since i was like 7 i didnt really mind or be worried. neither did my brother. side note: my dad is a really weak person: he doesnt tell what he thinks in your face, he has to drink to have the courage to tell my mom something when he’s angry at her. i think thats one of the worst things a man can do to their women, especially my mom, since her dad was an alcoholic. she tells me when she was 4 she used to be extremely afraid and embarassed of her father, and she doesnt remember him being sober. when she was 13 he eventually died and she and her siblings had to take care of the bills. long story short, she absolutely despised men who drank, and thats exactly what my dad did. of course he knew it btw. everytime he drank my mother would hide it, and in send him immediately to their room or just not argue with him. but one time, in summer, my brother was at a summer camp and i was at home with my mom. my dad came home drunk and i dont remmeber much but they started arguing. he wasnt aggressive at all but he was just talking nonsense and lock himself in the bathroom and cried? i dont know. i just remember him making wierd noises. anyways, my mom sent me to my friends house and i was really happy lol. that day, my mom was fed tf up, so she decided that the 3 of us would move back to brazil and my dad would stay here and visit us once in a while. once or twice a month. this was in 2013. from 2013 until 2017, we lived our best life. my dad would send the money from switzerland to brazil and it would multiply by 4 more or less since the dollar was pretty high, so it converted to the brazilian currency. we would eat out at restaurants every week, my mom would buy clothes every week (not too much because she knows how to control herself and she never buys what she doesnt need), have pilates lessons, have coffees with her friends, we would have lunch and dinner with our relatives. we were at home. my mom was at home, at her hometown. my dad would come visit us once every month. everything was going pretty good. of course we had problems, especially my brother, who struggled a lot in school since in brazil you have much more stuff to study and school is genuinely harder. in 2016, brazil’s president dilma rousseff got impeached and my mom already knew the political situation was only starting to go downhill. also, she didnt want my brother and i to do highschool there, so we came back to switzerland in january 2017. in the beginning, it was pretty shit for me and my brother, my class was shit and my classmates were a bunch of idiots. but at least i had some friends. things were going ok. once in a while my dad would come home with a wierd facial expression, talking a lot of nonsense and making random speeches but i would think nothiung of it, he probably just had a tiring day. flash forward to 2019, my dad is like that again, this time my mom actually tells us he drank. we are a little worried, but he’s not acting up or whatever, problem is, he drank some hours before we went to the aparmtment we were going to rent (in which we’re living right now). of course, he drank on purpose because he knew it would piss my mom off and she would be embarassed, but he doesnt give a fuck. thats his way of telling her he’s angry at her for whatever reason. flash forward to some weeks ago, july 2020, my dad drinks again. now, we already know thast he *sometimes* drinks, so were like “ffs he drank again”. but this time its a little different: my mom actually argues with him. they start a discussion because my mom was pissed that he was constantly drinking and said that she would leave him if he could, so he went outside and drank. anyways, they were arguing and then my dad started crying and slammed the door. we went there to try to talk to him, but as soon as my mom opened the door he pushed her using actual strength. if she hadnt had both of her feet stable on the ground, she wouldve fallen and probably hurt herself. he then proceeded to push me but i yelled back at him. i could feel the anger in his voice and how he pushed us. he slammed the door again and threw himself onto the bed face down and started loudly crying, it was just awful. my brother and i went to the kitchen and my mom told us to go there and try tzo talk to him. my brother sat on the bed and i laid against the door. my brother was trying to talk to him and i was cringing really hard. 

[unrrrreliable]

live life to the fullest.

this summer (especially the month of july) has been really shitty for all of us. i dont even need to talk about corona because basically if you’re old enough to read this right now, you know what the whole world went and is going through. anyways, july has been really bad for my mental health because of some stuff thats been going on and i have a huge problem with self-esteem. i had some depressive-but-not-actually-depressive episodes. like when you feel really sad or you dont feel anything but a strange feeling and dont know what the fuck it is but you know that it sucks, BUT you know you don’t have depression or any mental illness. 

i came to realize though, that you shouldnt let those insecurities consume you. i, for example, am reallly insecure because of my hair. im literally balding. not bc i have cancer, i have alopecia (which is basically hair loss) it starts with some small patches with no hair, but depending on how bad the inflammation  is, you can get partially or completely bald. i think around 75% of my hair fell. lemme tell you, as a 16 year old teenager in the peak of summer it really fucking sucks. i have to wear a hat every time i go out, not only because i want to hide it but also because i cant expose my scalp to sunlight since its skin is really sensitive. but yeah, i have been really insecure about that. i havent stopped going out, but fuck knows why these days ive just lost motivation to do stuff, being sad for no reason and not wanting to go out and everytime i think why my brain “redirects” me to this hair problem. but now i realised that you should just say fuck it. just go out and have fun, its fucking summer + youve been stuck at home for 3 months. sure, theres some things u cant do like go swimming or hkuwgog, but who gives a fuck. find smehting to do. i should elaborate this more to give more coherence to the title but honestly im done. this s enough

[unrrrreliable]

social media sucks ass

why doesn’t this feel real? i spend almost the whole day watching tiktoks on my phone and switching between tiktok instagram and youtube. its crazy how that consumes your time and you dont even realize until you look at your phone and 2 hours passed since you laid on you bed. and when you turn off your phone and look away you just have no idea of what to do. at all. so you just go back to tiktok and hide from “reality” (aka distract yourself from the outside world), or just start writing so that at least you’re doing something productive. this was supposed to be about what i feel after i turn off my phone and realize how much time i waste on my phone (especially tiktok) and how it isn’t enjoyable anymore (bc yes, i used to spend hours on my phone and actually have fun), but imma turn it into some dumbass-fuck-social-media thing. you’ve probably seen this before, but social media really fucks up your mental health. it may be for different reasons but imo for 99% its when you compare yourself to some random guy/girl you saw and how much more attractive, funny, rich, outgoing, cool they are. the worst part is that you just get addicted to it. not to feeling like shit of course, but it becomes an obsession to look at other people and to become more insecure bc apparently everybody is prettier than you and has a much better life than you do. honestly its pretty normal but we dont realize how much it consumes us. in my personal experience, it’s become something that i just do automatically and i keep watching other people and my self esteem drops to the ground. i dont know why i do that, maybe its from human nature to compare yourself to other people and not realizing or not stopping to do it even when you do realize. maybe we all want to feel included in social media because yk, everyone has it, everyone’s gonna think you’re cool because you have 1000 followers and 300 like in every picture you post. but at end of the day, what do you do that for? why are other people’s opinions so important? why is instagram such a big deal? social media really crushes our brains and turns us into some brainless npc who just care about “attention” (fame?). we should just not give a fuck about it anymore. i’ve wanted to delete my instagram account many times, but i also want to keep contact with my friends who live across the ocean. but yeah.

going back to the tiktok thing, whenever you find someone who’s really attractive and you feel insecure, remember that they also have their problems and insecurities. you shouldn’t feel happy about it, but it’s good to know that other people struggle as well and that you’re not alone. of course their problem isnt going to be about their looks, but trust me everyone has their problems. never tate anything for granted and think “oh, this person is beautiful and therefor has a perfect live”. and the more they try to show how cool and nice their life is, the more fucked up it is. cause if you’re feeling happy, why should you feel the need to post about hownhappy you are every 2 minutes?

but yeah, this sucks. peace