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[unsadgalriri]

May 20, 2024

It's been a long time since I've journaled. I was so busy living. Not in that gay way. I was just busy with school and job hunting and then starting a new job. A part of me wishes I journaled a little more cuz a lot has changed since I last wrote a real, sincere entry. For starters, I am almost in my second week at The Beverly Hills Hotel as a Guest Researcher. I fucking did it. I left In-N-Out. Honestly, I cried when I left because of what I went through during my time there. I mean in Westwood. In-N-Out has a special place in my heart for a variety of reasons. For one, it kept me fed. For two, it was a source of healing when I lost my dad. I made so many friends there. People helped me find my confidence again. I felt so appreciated and loved and everyone told me how handsome I was every day. Thank you God for placing me in the right place at the right time. I sincerely found peace with the fact that I was going to be at In-N-Out for a while. I was thankful for my job, and thankful for my promotion. I was thankful that Vega gave me a burger coin. Not only did I achieve my goal of becoming a Level 6 before leaving the company, but I was actually becoming a decent cook. I would've been a fucking BOSS. Anyways, when I made peace with my job and began to appreciate it instead of loathe it, everything started to become better. Life was better. I was more at peace. I had more time to focus on myself and on school. And now I know what it is like to appreciate things. Life is so expensive. There was a time when I couldn't even afford a drink from the gas station. Now I take a little time to be thankful for EVERYTHING. Gratitude gives everything so much meaning. I think that's what I like most about life; appreciating what you have and not focusing on what you don't. I can't lie, getting this new job has made me want to work so hard. I want to promote as fast as I can. I just can't forget about my family. And baby Ariel is getting so big now. I just don't want to miss out. I'm so thankful for everything. For my education. My brain. My apartment. My job. My camraderie. My new money. My new life. I just can't be angry anymore. I choose not to be angry anymore. I just need to let go what my dad did to me, understand he just did his best, and move past the storm of the last two years. These last two years changed me forever. The loneliness I felt. Isolation. Immobility. Worthlessness. Anger. Misdirection. Rejection. It was the worst time period of my life ever. But I grew. I learned. I know my worth now. I know I'm a good person. I know I'm a kind person. For a moment, I felt like I lost myself and, well, actually I did lose myself. I just didn't have any fucks in me to give at one point. I had to confront so much and trust those around me to know I wasn't a bad person. I'm not a bad person. I not a perfect person. But I'm so much better than the person I thought I was. I have so much to give. So much tenderness. I really am like a golden retriever idk. I really want someone to be obsessed with me and vice versa, but I can wait. For now, I am FUCKING. I am fucking so many hot guys. I need to close shop and start working on my body next. Ugh, I feel so FERTILE. Bitch I haven't felt this good in a long time. I wanna go OUT. I'm excited for life again. I trust that God will keep me afloat even when I fuck up. If I fuck up. I probably will fuck up lol. Anyways, I'm doing good!