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It's Fine. I'm Fine.

that's what my headstone should read.

i've lost count how many times i've said "it's fine. i'm fine." in this lifetime. getting kinda old, don't you think? whatever happens, i always catch myself saying these words. pero in reality, the truth of it all, it's not okay. i'm not okay.

it's not fine. nasasaktan ako sa bawat araw na gumigising ako. it's not fine. umiiyak pa rin ako and i can't hold myself together. it's not fine. i still miss you. and i keep wishing you were here. i'm not fine.

but i have to pretend that it's fine -- that i'm fine -- even if the world around me is crumbling because i cannot afford not to be fine. i can't afford to be breaking down and crying. there are bills to pay, duties to fulfill, and work to do. life doesn't stop even if you're broken and bleeding. so, everyday is just an uphill battle to get through it and wish that the next second gets better (spoiler alert: it does not).

it's fine. i'm fine. i understand. it's not fine. i'm not fine. i don't understand.

pero ano bang magagawa ko? even if i feel this way, nothing's going to happen. nothing's going to be different. so i pretend. i try to gaslight myself into thinking that way until, eventually, maybe, i wake up one day and losing you won't bring me down to my knees, in tears, anymore. until the mention of your name no longer drops my heart to the floor. until memories of you -- of us -- would no longer bring about a gut-wrenching pain so physical that i couldn't bring myself to get up or move.

i miss you. 🐳 it hurts.

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my heart dropped. alam ko naman pero... tangina.

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i almost reached out to you yesterday. i didn't, but everyday i almost always do.

kahapon, april 23, everything just felt heavy. from the moment i fell asleep hanggang sa pag gising ko ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko. all i wanted was to curl up and cry and sleep. i was thinking about filing SL para lang hindi pumasok. around 3pm, i decided not to go to work. i made up some excuse para hindi pumasok. everytime na may onsite duty ako, hinahatid ako sa sakayan pero this time sabi ko di ako sasabay kasi ayokong pumasok. hinayaan lang naman ako and since natutulog lang kapatid ko kasi masama pakiramdam niya, i tried to do the same -- sleep. i would fall asleep for a few minutes and then magigising ako ulit and things would start over -- the crying, the hurt, the wishing and wanting. pathetic? yeah, maybe. for a few moments when i'm asleep, a dreamless sleep, i don't feel anything -- at least not that i can remember. pero magigising pa rin ako and you'd still be the first thing on my mind.

i almost sent you a message yesterday sa imessage. i thought you weren't using it anymore so i figured i'd use it to talk to you like before knowing na magsesend yung message ko pero you'll never read it. pagbukas ko ng conversation natin sa phone, i was shocked to see below "Read Thursday", that's the thursday after we were supposed to meet up for coffee last week (april 17). i remember sending you a couple of messages after january thinking na hindi mo naman na nga ginagamit yung convo na yun. i sort of held on to the idea na i could pretend na i could still talk to you kahit through a phantom conversation lang, a lot like what i do in here. the only difference is, there was a thread of conversation before. anyway, when i saw na nabasa mo yung mga sinend ko before, nagdalawang isip na ako na magsend ng message pa sa'yo. i didn't want to ruin whatever peace you have right now just because i'm trying to talk to you. plus, i promised God i'll be a good friend. good friends don't ruin each other's lives just because one can't get their shit together (that's me). the last thing i want to do is hurt you and cause any problem in your life.

i have typed out the message and cried over it. i wanted to talk to you pero i know that i couldn't. i have it typed out but i won't send it. partly because i'm scared to find out na naka-block nanaman ako. but also because i have to keep my word, my end of the bargain -- be a good friend. so, until now, the words are there, suspended in the air. i'll clear the text after a while, maybe kapag may bago akong sasabihin. (ugh! this is making me want to drink)

i'm happy for you. she looks pretty and kind and smart. you look happy. it sucks for me but you're doing well. i hope she takes care of you. i hope she never do anything that would hurt you. i need to remind myself everyday that i got what i prayed for --just not what exactly i want. i prayed for your healing, for your happiness and success. i prayed na ingatan ka ni Lord in all that you do. and He did just that. he gave you someone who would make you smile, make you happy. who'll be there for you. who'll take care of you. God knows how much i wanted it to be me, but it's not. and it sucks, but i got what i prayed for. i'll take the win.

it's easier to tell the world "i'm tired" or "ayoko na magtrabaho" as reason kung bakit ako nahihirapan or bakit ako umiiyak (if ever they catch me crying). nung tinanong ako ng magulang ko at ng ate ko bakit ako hindi pumasok, how could i tell them that my heart still breaks over a guy who doesn't feel the same? how do i tell them na i saw him happy and a part of me hates it because i'm still hurting and affected by it kahit na isang taon na ang nakalipas? how do i tell them that i wish he was with me instead? na i did everything right, i followed the rules so bakit i can't have this one thing i ask for? this one thing that i want? how do i tell them that it hurts to breathe, to wake up another day and go through it over and over? how do i tell them that right now, the unknown void of death speaks more to me like a lullaby, na it's the relief that i'm looking for, na it sounds better than waking up another day? i can't tell them any of those things. so i say the most superficial of things. pretend that it's because of another matter than the real one.

i miss you, bal. 🐳 God knows how much i wish things were different, that you were here, and the stars are aligned in our favor. i miss you. 🐳💔

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let me talk about depression.

i think i'm able to get away with it as much as i could because i work nights. so, kung i'll get a more than 12 hours of sleep, all i have to say is pagod ako from work. kaya kong gawan ng excuse yung hypersomnia ko without it raising alarm bells. maybe other people can say that too.

all i did was sleep. its way better to not be awake.

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i am happy for them. don't get me wrong.

kahapon, may nakita nanaman akong batchmate from highschool na na-engagge. i didn't really count how many of the people i'm friends with online are in a relationship, engaged, or married -- i wouldn't start counting. i promise, i am happy for them. but it does make me wonder, what's wrong with me? i mean, there must be something right? either something is wrong kasi hind ko naman 'to iniisip dati or something's wrong kasi i don't get to have that too.

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my heart feels heavy. i want to cry. i still have work. but i want to cry. it hurts. and i don't feel like doing anything.

i know things would get better, but can't it be better now? everything hurtsa again. i miss him... 🐳

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Your will, not mine. Your will, not mine. Your will, not mine. Your will, not mine. Your will, not mine. Your will, not mine. Your will, not mine. Your will, not mine. Your will, not mine. Your will, not mine.

my heart feels heavy. i know na there are still things tthati have to do, especially sa grad school. all i want to do right now is curl into a ball and cry. my heart feels heavy.

Your will, not mine. Your will, not mine. Your will, not mine. Your will, not mine. Your will, not mine. Your will, not mine. Your will, not mine. Your will, not mine. Your will, not mine. Your will, not mine.

it still hurts. why does it still hurt? i know na hindi naman overnight, pero i want this to be over. my head knows na alam ni lord kung anong ginagawa niya, bakit niya ginagawa sa akin 'tong mga 'to. i know that. but it doesn't make it any easier.

Your will, not mine. Your will, not mine. Your will, not mine. Your will, not mine. Your will, not mine. Your will, not mine. Your will not, mine. Your will, not mine. Your will, not mine. Your will, not mine. Your will, not mine.

i read something a while ago that said something along the lines:

"... i'll never draw another breath without half of it being a wish for him."

that's how it feels. i have to keep convincing myself to trust in what god has planned kahit na every part of me wants to re-write this whole story according to how i want it to go.

i want to stop wanting things that are not for me. it's only a delusion to think and believe posts that say na maybe we keep wanting things toomuch right now kasi we already have that in the future. i just want to stop wanting anything at all.

how do i make god listen? how do i make him understand how much it hurts? why isn't he listening? why isn't he answering me?

i promise, i'll be good. i'll be a saint. just, hear me out. grant me this. i promise i'll be good.

Your will, not mine -- i understand that. but can you help me out? 💔

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so, i just read this tumblr post about how her boyfriend's brother who was non-verbal would hide the shoes of people he likes -- it meant they have to stay longer. no shoes, you'd have to stay. and it made me wonder, should i have hidden your shoes to keep you with me longer? should i have hidden important stuff for you to keep looking and just stay with me a little bit longer? maybe i should have. i would have hidden everything i could get my hands on so you'd stay. and i would keep hiding your things for the rest of our life... but that's all in my head, right? i couldn't keep you, even if i wanted to. if it's against the universe and the stars, no matter how much i wish for it to happen, it wouldn't. i know that. but my heart is having trouble processing it...

in the end i still miss you. you're still the person i look for. you're still the person i want to talk to. i miss you. i know that it means nothing to you and that i don't cross your mind. but i miss you. i really, really do. 🐳

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i know that my situation is not one-of-a-kind. alam ko namang hindi lang ako yung nagiisang tao na nasaktan or nasasaktan because feelings are not reciprocated. alam ko rin naman na hindi lang ako yung tao na never nagka-jowa but have imagined themselves with a very specific someone to build a life, a future with. i know that. sabi ni nics, during that time na nag-momove on siya from ex niya, knowing that there were others out there feeling the same way she did helped her -- at least di siya mag-isa. i wish i could say the same, that knowing people around the globe are probably feeling the same way helps me get through this. but the truth is, it doesn't lessen how it feels, i don't feel better. it doesn't help. instead, i pity everyone who feels the same way, to be tossed around by fate hoping na we get back on our feet after a while. i pity everyone who feels the same because i don't think they deserve the shit life gives us.

sitting here at starbucks, a few minutes before the start of my shift, and across me is a couple, deep in conversation, drawn closer and closer to each other than the time i walked in. other couples are walking in as well. am i allowed to say na naiinggit ako? am i allowed to admit that a little part of me continues to hope, imagine what it would be like if it were us? it's a shit feeling and i don't know how to kill that part that still hopes.

in a monologue i had a while ago, i know na changing who i am is probably not the answer this life wants me to learn. but i think i'd prefer to change who i am in its entirety than keep who i am but continue to hurt. no one wants to hurt. that includes me. who i am apparently is shit and people keeps on leaving. if i could learn to not care about people, at least it wouldn't hurt when they leave -- and they will, because everyone does. if i kill that part of me that continues to hold on to hope, then at least i wouldn't get disappointed anymore. i should care less. i shouldn't hope anything would go right. i should change who i am. and maybe, just maybe, the pain goes away too... missing him won't give that same heartache. remembering moments together won't gut me everytime. and maybe, just maybe, i can finally escape this hell i'm living.

everything hurts. and i miss him. fuck this life. i miss you, jo. 💔🐳

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i think the world doesn't understand how much i want my life to cease. i don't want to keep doing this shit anymore. i'm tired and i want to die. gusto ko na lang na hindi gumising. i'm so fucking tired with this life. gusto ko na matapos 'to. i mean, there's no point in doing this any further. everyday is the same -- i'll lose whatever battle is set in front of me. i get it, i'll keep losing. so pwede ba, let's cut the crap and just get straight to killing me? need ko ba mag-hire ng gunman? i just want this life to be over. and god won't listen because he have whatever is planned and stuff. but could he just change how i'm feeling then. para kung ano man gusto niyang gawin sa buhay ko, okay lang sakin. or remove the feelings altogether. tangina, pagod na ako. i'm so tired...

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i'm at odds with god right now. i have been in a very on-and-off relationship with him since moks. nothing seems to go right. that time with moks, that was the first time i asked him for something big. well, that didn't happen. and the next time i asked was this, for bal. huess that didn't happen too, huh.

an hour after writing the last post, i received a notification sa ig. the four-letter word that makes up his name pops up. he sent me a reel. a few minutes later, another reel comes up. i haven't opened them up yet. i'm scared of what it means, or what i might think it would mean. plus, he's dating someone. i should remember that. natatakot akong buksan kasi baka pinapaasa lang ako ng mundo -- making me think that i could actually get what i pray for. but that's not real, is it?

it's raining... you love the rain. and i can't help but miss you. i keep telling god na i wouldn't hurt you. if he would just give me a chance, i'd never do anything that would hurt you. and you wouldn't have to go through any pain alone. i keep telling him na i'll be good. he knows that. you would know how much you deserve to be treated right. and that i could be that for you. and i hate how he doesn't hear that. i hate how he ignores it. i hate that he doesn't listen. he knows it's true, so why wouldn't he give me the chance?

i hate this. i hate how people hurt you and yet i wouldn't pero i don't even get a chance!? what the fuck is this? but mostly i hate that you're not here. you'll never be here. and all i have left are memories and longing for something i can never have. and i have to make do with that. but i don't know how... how do i settle for stolen moments with you? when every part of me calls out your name. how do i settle for memories made when i still want a future with you? how do i settle for something when you're just right there, almost within reach, but the universe wouldn't let me?

i miss you. 🐳 and i would have to settle for the fact na this life of mine was designed to want things that are not for me. and somehow, i need to find a way to accept it -- na everytime i want something, i wouldn't get it. and that when i start to want something, i have to find a way to cope on the impending fact na it wouldn't go my way -- because nothing really does.

i miss you, and i hate na you're not here, or i'm not there. i hate how my life is turning out. but i still miss you -- everyday, and that hasn't changed. i kinda hope you miss me too... 🐳

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Kill me, please.

of all the things i'm wishing for right now, what i want right this moment is to stop breathing. ayoko na ng isa pang hininga. kahit isang segundo, ayoko na. i'm tired. ayoko na mabuhay... this life is tiring. i'd look after the ones i love na lang from the other side pero pagod na ako. pagod na ako bumangon at gumising araw-araw. wala namang pinagbabago yung araw ko. araw-araw pa rin naman akong nasasaktan. araw-araw pa rin naman akong talo. araw-araw pa rin naman akong dehado. so, what's the point? anong point ng pag gising sa akin ni lord? para lang masaktan ako? para lang gamitin ako sa improvement ng ibang tao? pano naman ako? pano naman yung sakit na nadudulot sakin na nakaktulong nga ako pero yung mga bagay na gusto ko hindi naman nagiging sakin. i know it's selfish. to want something in return. pero tangina naman. i wasn't asking for the universe. i wasn't asking for much. all i was asking for was him and me -- two tiny specks of dust in this universe. would it really be such a bad thing to rearrange a few bits and pieces to make it real? i try not to ask for much. or maybe i keep asking for things ng di ko nalalaman. yun ba yung reason kung bakit di niya ako pinapakinggan? people who have worse values than me get to have everything they want. jusko, pati mga marcos nakuha yung gusto nila sa personal na buhay at sa gobyerno. why do they get to have theirs? why don't i get to even have a chance on mine? i didn't even stood a chance.

ayoko na mabuhay -- not a breath longer. i wish i wouldn't be able to finish this post kasi i'm dead. i wanna die. napapagod na ako, trying to survive whatever life this is. i know na i have a lot of things to be thankful for, but i'm tired. i'm really tired. i'm not resilient. i'm not that strong. i just want this life to be over. i don't want to do anything with it anymore. kung ano man plano ni lord sakin, sa iba niya na lang ibigay. i asked him this, even before -- nung nawala si moks. i asked him to take my life away from me and give it to moks para naman may sense yung buhay ko. para at least, even if i didn't get to have my happily ever after, my sister would get to have hers. but he didn't. he didn't listened. and now, i'm stuck in this world, at this day and age na i didn't want to see. i mean, if i would have just died in his place 8 years ago, then i wouldn't be hurting. and they'd be happy. and my life in exchange for his would have meant something. instead i'm crying my eyes out everyday, every night.

please, take me away. i'm tired. no matter how much hard work i put into this, i'm never going to get what i want, right? kasi that's the life designed for me, kung anong gusto ko -- no matter how much i pray or work hard for it -- it's never going to happen. because the opposites happen. you want to die in exchange for moks, well, fuck that, ikaw mabubuhay. you want bal to stay? fuck that, no. you'd see him happy but not with you. i'm tired of always losing. i'm tired of wanting things and not getting them. because everybody elses gets their prayers answered, bakit ako hindi? i'm tired. i'm really, really tired. i keep on wanting things that never happen. i'm tired. nakakapagod matalo. nakakapagod maging ako. nakakapagod 'tong buhay na meron ako. i want to rest, please. please let me die. ayoko na lord, please. ayoko na po. ayoko na magising. ayoko na mabuhay. please let me die. i'm tired...

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I Hate Valentine's

i didn't before. not really. wala naman akong pake sa valentine's dati. i'd see my friends going out and receiving gifts and i'd be okay with it. lalaruin ko lang and stuff. maybe a joke here and there na "magbrebreak din kayo" or "sana all", but i don't remember hating this day with so much strength. sure, baka magpapaka-bitter ako in a jokingly way but i didn't hate it. it was like any other day pero with much more flowers, and red hearts, and couples, and lovey-dovey posts and stories -- but it's just like any other day. and i hate how much i hate the day now.

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i have this bad thought occur to me yesterday -- bakit yung mga tao, mga couples, na parang hindi naman good ang compatibility or yung mga mukhang hindi magtatagal (no offense) sila pa yung masaya sa isa't isa. is it bad to think and believe na if it were us it would have been good, better (maybe) than theirs. i know na it's a bad thought pero napaisip lang ako.

si ate mei, meron siyang boyfriend from college pa kami na ang dating samin (at least based sa kwento niya sa amin) na hindi siya good for her -- nothing abusive, maybe just immature at the very least. from what i know, on-off sila until eventually they broke up sometime after i graduated college. apparently, they're still together pala. i saw a post she shared na naka-tag yung boyfriend niyang yun. and it made me think how they're doing good together while i'm not even with you...

this thought led me to think about and remember other people i know na i think hindi tatagal in a relationship pero they're still together and happy -- celebrating each other's milestones and being by each other whatever happens. i know, i'm judging. i don't think i'm better than these people, but i think we could be as good or better together in a reltionship. does that make sense?

i just keep thinking na kung sila masaya with each other, paano pa tayo if we tried? if people who doesn't seem to be a compatible match have a good relationship that has been going on for years, what more if it were two people who click -- compatible and safe and just perfect for each other? what more if these two people were in a relationship, would they have the same level of good relationship, or (dare i say it) more?

i believe na we could be good together. but we didn't even try. i didn't even get the chance to try with you. how would we know na we're not for each other kung hindi naman natin sinubukan?

buti pa ex mo no? when you left me last year, you tried again with her rather than trying with me. it makes me think how bad it must be to even try with me -- na even the thought of me is just that bad.

it's almost your birthday. i wished i could see you and celebrate with you but i guess not. i don't know if what you told me na may sakit ka is real or it's just a ruse to fend me off. i guess i wouldn't see you again, huh. to keep my mind preoccupied sa sabado, i asked dane to go out and i'll celebrate you from afar wishing i was with you instead. don't get me wrong, i love spending time with dane lalo na kasama ko siyang nagrereklamo sa love life (or the lack of it) and magdrama about it. but my mistake was that i let myself hope na totoo yung sinabi mong magpapakita ka sa akin this moth for your birthday, na magkikita tayo, na you wanted to se me too. hope is a fickle thing.

i continuously remind myself na things are not the same. i remind myself na baka pinagbigyan lang ako ni lord at binalik ka niya as a friend -- nothing more. i should stop myself from wanting more. except i don't know how and where to start. how do i let go and stop myself from wanting a future with you? wanting to be with you? how do i just wake up and then be okay -- like you never even happened? how do i convince myself that i don't even want you when every bone in my body -- every piece of me -- wants to be with you?

i miss you. i miss us. and i keep wishing na we could just pickup from where we left off and continue as we ride into the sunset for that happy ending of bliss until we're old and grey. i miss you, bal. 🐳 i kinda wish you miss me as much too.

P.S. one day, i remind myself, na my prayers for your happiness and success and healing would no longer be half-hearted, that i would mean it kahit na alam kong it wouldn't be with me. but for now, i'll keep praying for your happiness and success and healing because i do want it for you -- i really do -- but as of now, i still want that with me, i still want it to be us.

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more often than not, i wish i was like those girls who could just drink and hookup and then be okay. they seem to have it down on what to do to make themselves feel better and not think about the person who hurt them. i wish i didn't care as much. sana i don't feel as much na lang... then maybe i wouldn't be crying at 2 in the morning.

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i want to send you a message and ask you. tuloy pa ba tayo this week? i haven't heard from you – kahit na about that lang. but a part of me doesn't want to message you. i kinda want you to see how long you can go not talking to me. i mean, you hot through the eight months pretty well. i guess, i just wanted to see if you meant it when you said you wanted to see me.

my flaw is that i still hope na things would be the same. but it's not. and it won't. but i can't help it. i want things to go back – or maybe be better. i never even got the chance to try...

so, i'll wait. i'll fight every bit of urge i feel in my body to send you a message, to break the silence. and then i'll know by the end of the week if you really wanted to see me. because i really want to see you, and spend time with you. gahd, i'm still head over heels. but, damn it, i want christmas with you. yo celebrate new year with you. your birthday with you. every freaking holiday for the rest of my life, i want it with you.

i'm being selfish nanaman. wishing for more than what i have. i'm sorry. i miss you.

[unsent-unspoken]

there's something i want to tell you, but i can't. i shouldn't message you. so, i'll write it down:

nanalo ako sa bingo blackout kanina. may pa-bingo ang ops head as year end party ng buong operations team. yung isang card, isa na lang kulang tapos yung isa dalawa na lang. ayun, sakto. i won a nespresso machine. as someone na hindi nagkakape, magnet ako ng coffee machines hahaha. ayoko naman i-waive kasi alam kong mahal 'to. sayang naman. plus, i think matutuwa ang mga nagkakape sa bahay. sa bingo lang pala ako mananalo ng stuff. baka dapat sumama ako sa pa-bingo ng manilamed dati? hahaha. but, yeah. i wanted to call you and just tell you about it. maybe i'll het to tell you pag nagkita tayo this week – if matutuloy tayo.

anyway, i miss you. hope i get to see you soon. bye!