unsolvableproblems

[unsolvableproblems]

Most recently, he's added a poem to the blog where he complains about

"the telephone bills sent  to my ex-wife, to my home,"

And I just think that's so funny because I know exactly what he's talking about. I still get the USPS preview emails for my old address, and I've seen the AT&T account statements addressed to me there.

But I use Verizon and haven't had any service at all with AT&T since 2015! At one point I called AT&T's customer service number to ask what's going on with these statements being sent to my old house. They can't tell me, and say I need to go into a physical store to ask someone in person. Which I'll do one of these days, when I have unlimited free time!

And in the meantime, it's petty but a gratifying to see that those statements have me living rent-free, etc. etc. and that they bug him enough that he's written it into a ~poem~ on the blog.

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Back in February when we were at the beach, I was staying up late one night going through all the hundreds of open tabs on my phone's web browser and spotted that my ex-husband's blog had been updated for the first time in a few years. His blog is poetry but it's often autobiographical, and I was interested to see that he still has dreams about me (despite his last scorched-earth text messages about how he was erasing all traces of me from his life).

Only the vision of me in the dream he describes happens to be an exact match of one of the only photos of me that he took while we were married. Hard to say if that's a real memory of his, or whether he's just been looking at old photos.

The scene from his "dream" is identical to this photo he took on our honeymoon, so I went and looked at his instagram photos from the honeymoon to check my memory. I think the one of me is gone (can't remember, don't feel like checking again) but what struck me was the presence of some absolute *thirst traps* he took while cycling around the honeymoon island on his own. Wild!! Embarrassing for me, I guess, that only days into our marriage he's acting coy and aloof while trying to show off muscles or whatever, to all his dozens of followers.

I know I noticed at the time, but I can't remember what I thought about it. But then that was also the honeymoon where he yelled at me until I cried. So I was already getting a taste for what that marriage was going to be like. And, after all the fuss and drama of pulling off a giant wedding event, I'm sure I was eager to smooth over any rough edges at that point.

[unsolvableproblems]

The fox

We've had a fox around our house for the last week. We first saw it Tuesday after work, when we were lying in bed looking out the window towards the woods in the back--we'd been watching some deer, and then all of a sudden there's a fox trotting with a sense of resolve towards our house. We ran to the far end of the house and watched it cross the street and go up the neighbor's driveway across the street.

I remember it was last Tuesday because that's the day my grandmother took a turn. She'll probably never see the email I sent, but it was a "here's some interesting stuff from today" type of note that I would send her from time to time. I described the fox and some embroidery I was working on, that I told her I'd bring next time I visit. I will probably not visit again.

Since Tuesday, we've heard the fox more than we've seen it. M has heard it while taking out the dog in early evening (its bark is similar to a domesticated dog but more bite-y, like "ah-r-ch!" with aplomb at the end) and I had an extended showdown with it late on Saturday night/early Sunday morning when it was next door on the right/east and running along our fence, looking for our dog (?). Interestingly, I also spotted with my flashlight two tiny pairs of flashing eyes in the yard (a meadow, really) next door on the left/west. I think they're bunnies, but it was fun to imagine for a moment that it was the fox's children.

Tonight at dinnertime our dog started barking at the door, going crazy, and sure enough, M heard the fox yelling from down the street. It seems to pace and pace, yelling and yelling, and I don't know what its goal is or why it appeared so suddenly. Feels symbolic, maybe.

[unsolvableproblems]

The basement flooded again, for the second time in a week, on Friday night.

Ughghghghghghgghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghghhghghghghghhghgghhghghghghghhgghhghghg

[unsolvableproblems]

Today was my grandmother's 98th birthday and I literally only got dressed so I would look presentable on a FaceTime call with her and my mom. Both my meetings (well, one was an author talk) today were cameras-off, and I was planning to go run but things kept happening, so I remained in leggings and sports bra--but with my hair done!--until the end of the day.

Mysteriously, I was super productive today and got some things done I'd been procrastinating on. Couldn't have had anything to do with actually taking my meds?!

Then it was time to go to the grocery store, and MB came with me which is always fun and we end up spending more time browsing and meal planning than me just dashing in and out. So now it's 8 pm and I haven't had dinner OR gotten in a workout, and all MB wants to do is watch VPR (bad for my brain but I can't resist) so now it's 11:42 pm, MB is asleep on the couch, I went ahead and took a shower because I did need to wash my hair if nothing else.

VPR S5 is playing because I didn't want to play too far ahead in the series (we're getting to the good part of S10) while he's just snoozing. I feel like he will really appreciate the "boys night" at the Mondrian when Raquel shows up? I've become a Rage Text Truther and there really is abundant evidence that this affair was happening long before it "started" at boys night.

Anyway, cool day, luxurious free time and flexibility and I still couldn't sort out running two little miles before bedtime.

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It's so funny!! how I have all these thoughts and feelings and little stories in my head all day every day, but now that I'm trying to do some blogging every day, I often can't think of anything really noteworthy. Like uhhhh my lunch? Or an appointment with someone who's going to fix our basement? Or my feelings about a bad hair day? Or some ACTUAL problem, tbd how much I want to write about true personal problems here?? Who knows. But I logged it now.

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We're having all these storms today and my former workplace, where people have literally died on-site from trees falling on them in extreme wind, actually closed (they never close). My former manager would drive into work (no wfh, and just barely during covid) in sleet, ice, and snow, and would kind of roll her eyes when I didn't feel comfortable doing the same. It was like a badge of honor to risk life and limb to get to work (where everyone was paid at least 25% below market rate for our jobs).

Meanwhile, this morning at my current job (wfh, no driving, no windy mountain roads to get to a worksite, paid 150% of old job) we had a team meeting where my manager emphasized that we should all be putting our safety first today, to take the time we need to care for ourselves and our loved ones, etc. etc. She is so nice and hates bad weather even worse than I do. I appreciate it so much. Sometimes I have to remind myself how much better my life is now than it was before.

It is a whole new life, basically (new home, new career, new family, new partner, new car, al;dkjfa;lsjf) and I still get whiplash when I think about how many changes have happened over a short period of time. But it's better here.

[unsolvableproblems]

Started a new class today! It was so much better than the last time I took a class at [redacted local art center]. Like a true, helpful level of instruction and pointing out things I hadn't thought of. She had us break down landscapes into shapes and/or whatever is the most basic assortment of shapes. Really useful because I get so intimidated by those Hudson River School landscapes and think "wah wah, it could never be me" but this doesn't feel so alien and I have a few pages' worth of these pleasing lil rivers and trees.

I also have a chronic problem of doing trees with a thickness where the branch bends off from the trunk. I'm sorry, this is too boring to continue, but it's embarrassing how my tree trunks often look like goofy human legs.

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Today is the anniversary of my dad's death, my stepdaughters just told me they're moving out of state after they graduate later this year*, and I just had a bicker with MB about doing the dishes.

Life is generally peaceful these days and it's always annoying/surprising when I'm feeling down. Like this sucks. But that's life and I know this feeling won't last forever, etc. etc.

*I am actually really happy for them! It's a great situation. I'll just miss seeing them so often.

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Another midwinter rainy day where I remain in pajamas, shower, and put on a different pair of pajamas. Thank god I have actual plans tomorrow that will require me to drive and speak to people!

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Great news about my compost pile: I went out to add some various things that have been gathering (like a cashewmilk kefir that's gone bad seems just too microbially rich not to add to the pile), including sheets of brown wrapping paper and some ripped-up bank statements (we live out in the country and our trash collectors are just some family with a truck, and they inspect each individual bag as they take it to the truck. it creeps me out & I wouldn't put it past them to dig for financial info).

During the winter months, I basically treat it as a cold pile because there are creatures--moles/voles? I saw a box turtle wiggling into a mulch pile. rodents? rabbits?? even snakes I would protect here--and there would be no point in turning it with a pitchfork anyway. So it had been a while since I was out there, but I noticed that there was fresh dark soil all around the perimeter of the compost bin--it's just leaking out through the slats, fully processed and ready to go.

This is different from how I'd used my "finished" compost in the past, just creating chunky piles in the area where I'm doing a no-dig flower garden. The standard, up until this point, is "no recognizable chunks of anything." But now there is a fine dark powdery soil spilling out of the bottom of the bin. I wasn't expecting it, and I keep thinking about what a true miracle it is to chuck in all the crap I put in there--banana peels, coffee grounds, eggshells, (again) bank statements, old cotton & wool clothing (with buttons, zippers, and tags removed ofc), cardboard, apple cores, all kinds of kitchen scraps--and get a fresh earthy dark soil.

It's easy to forget that we are also creatures on this planet, and that we can affect our local ecosystem in a positive way as much as we can in a negative way. I love to think about reducing landfill waste, etc. etc., but it's so FASCINATING to think about actually making SOIL out of the refuse of daily human life.

[unsolvableproblems]

Today was good and the kind of day I wouldn't have been able to have if I was still in the office. I had morning meetings so I got dressed from the waist up, took a nap in between morning/afternoon meetings, and reheated some of last night's dinner (a carbonara-type sauce with pasta, made from the leftover bacon + onions + cream from our NYE tartiflette) which was frankly just SO delicious.

I did more work after 6, a training module for work, and then joined MB to watch a little Vanderpump. And I only left the house today for dog care and to check the mail. Perfect and comfortable and productive, too! Ideal for a gray January day.

[unsolvableproblems]

Sometime when I was in college I got one of these mugs for like $5 from Pier One (love to find a one-off kitchen item for under $10) and I always thought it was so beautiful (are you seeing the curvature of that handle?! please!) and would have probably told you it was my favorite mug. Recently MB chipped it while taking it out of the dishwasher and I said oh well, c'est la vie, it had a good run. But then these two showed up today!! He somehow found a pair of identical circa 2005 Pier One mugs and bought them for me. I'm thrilled.

The rest of today has been pretty good, except I'm starting to worry that my inboxes aren't stuffed *not* because everyone is still on winter break, but because something is wrong in an IT type of way. It happened a couple times before--I thought everyone was just being chill and not having problems, but really they were having a large number of problems and I wasn't receiving any emails about them (thus increasing the number of problems). My slacker tendencies love to see an inbox at zero, but this seems too good to be true?

I'm also reminded of the time, a couple of years ago, when my former employer announced massive layoffs on Jan 4. Like, what a way to start the year! It ended up being fine because I found another job (my current role) pretty quickly and I'm very happy there. But I can't shake the feeling that another shoe is always about to drop.

[unsolvableproblems]

Last night I worked on some of the several watercolors I've got going on at any time (I've never finished a painting!) and I feel okay about it. I got myself a nice block of nice paper for Christmas but I'm still held back by frugality + low confidence so I divide each sheet into smaller "sheets" in case I mess anything up irreparably.

So this is busy-looking but it's actually four separate things!!

Also, thank god for the class I'm taking starting next week. I've been painting in isolation for so long and it feels like a compulsion at this point? I'm not super inspired or revved up about it; it just feels nice to do at the end of the night and I occasionally get something I like to look at.

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I mean come on!

It's like a parody of itself and it hasn't annoyed me yet.

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It's been several years since I've been out here on tumblr dot com and I did ONE search for a movie I saw and liked recently and boy, tumblr does not disappoint + seems to have never changed.

Luv this take and all the rest.

dude the way filmtok/filmtwt/booktok whatever have ROTTED people's brains and the way they approach media is unreal. saying saltburn is bad because it's "made to be edited on tiktok/giffed on tumblr" is SO INANE like not everything is about content and mass consumption you letterboxd motherfucker

like how are you gonna sit through saltburn, a movie made by an award winning cinematographer, and not at least appreciate how visually stunning it is? try saying ANYTHING about its cinematography that doesnt include the words pinterest/tiktok/tumblr/editable like try feeling something authentic for once

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Made a tartiflette last night for NYE and it was so rich we didn't even touch the (cheapest tier of) caviar we bought to enjoy at midnight. Drank champagne and watched My Neighbor Totoro, then Andy Cohen et al. Neighbors were shooting off some actually cool-looking fireworks so I went outside to watch those for a bit. Then MB went to bed and I watched the end of Cold Mountain, and I couldn't fall asleep until early this morning.

Cold Mountain--so bleak! This kind of thing hits harder the older I get. It's too sad, anything to do with those home guard ghouls. And don't even get me started on the Natalie Portman scenes!!

Anyway, today was busy and nice. I haven't done laundry in a while so I'm stuck wearing second-tier pajamas (actually soft black pants from J.Jill that I used to wear to my pre-covid corporate office job as work pants, lolol) while I figure out a way to have a blog in the year 2024 that isn't linked to my actual name or location, etc. Feels like a pleasingly retro experience.