unspokenevermore - Tumblr blog

[unspokenevermore]

At some point our reminders to each other of why and how, became that word on a piece of paper that was spelled correctly, but had been looked at too long and hard and just didn’t look quite right.

- I promise LOVE is the correct spelling

[unspokenevermore]

[unspokenevermore]

[unspokenevermore]

[unspokenevermore]

Where you have smooth skin, I have scars. Where you have birth marks I have tattoos that remind me what I’ve lost. Where you have soft hands, I have chewed nails and calloused palms. Where you see the possibility of us, I see all that I have still not accomplished. It’s not you. I know it’s cliche. But if I could actually let myself choose someone, you’d be the one I’d choose everyday for forever.

- I learned to be alone before I was ever taught not to be. I promise I will call you when I’m able to give you all of me.

[unspokenevermore]

Yet somehow he is slowly pulling me out of my trauma and opening the blinds on my darkness.

- even if we are not meant for forever, thank you for right now

[unspokenevermore]

I am so hateful. Hateful of my circumstances. Hateful of the life that made me this way. Hateful that things didn’t go differently. I am so hateful of all the things that I cannot control so sometimes I hope for things to go the wrong way so that I won’t be hurt when the “good” outcome turns out to lead to pain too.

- But I have to remember that I haven’t met all of me yet.

[unspokenevermore]

“Pain refocuses you on what’s important.” This past year has been painful. Each time I regained hope, it was ripped away again. I lost myself first. I lost my identity, I lost my ability, and most importantly, I lost my reason for being. As I finally began to accept, I lost you forever. The rips and shreds of myself I was holding onto for dear life suddenly floated away again and all I could do is watch them leave this world with you. However, when I finally got off the ground. I saw the people around me. And I saw who had been there for me longer than I realized. I refocused on what was important. And I realized that they are all the hope I need.

- I’m sorry that my mirror was your one way glass. I’m sorry that the old us died. But most importantly I’m sorry that we had to survive this together.

[unspokenevermore]

Today has been a hard day. This week has been a hard week. These last three months have felt endless. I don’t know how to keep going. It’s as if you hit the pause button on my life on your way out of this world. It’s as if you took part of me with you. When I put that letter in your casket, part of me died, and I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be able to get that part back. I have your name. So every time someone speaks it, I shut down. Every time someone asks where I have been. I’ve been here. But my life seems to be moving at 10 times speed while I’m standing still. Unmoved. But throttled forwards. I love you with my whole heart. I will never stop loving you.

- I have not been the same since February 27th

[unspokenevermore]

That river turned red today. I can’t quite explain that feeling when you look at something you know like the back of your hand and it’s changed. That feeling when your looking right at something and don’t recognize it. That feeling when life seems to be slipping from your grasp. I’m not sure that I can explain it. But today when I saw that river, when I saw how different it looked. I didn’t even know it’s name.

- I am that river.

[unspokenevermore]

Do you ever get that feeling that you’ve forgotten something? That feeling when you walk into a room and have no idea why you even came here in the first place? That gut wrenching feeling that something is off?

Sometimes I wake up and still think your here. I reach for my phone and when I pull up your number I remember. I remember that 2 months ago you had to leave this world. I remember that when you left you took the last unbroken parts of me with you. And then that feeling returns.

- everyday I experience that loss over again

[unspokenevermore]

If I can teach you anything. It’s to be grateful and not take this moment for granted. Because when it is ripped away from you. You will have wished you had taken a moment to cherish it.

- from those who will never be able to again

[unspokenevermore]

I know my life isn’t meaningless

I am holding up everyone around me

I am their backbone

However in attempt to save them all

I have lost each and every last piece of myself

[unspokenevermore]

“I am in love with the impossibility of us." -Lauren Eden

I think that's why I still believe we are star crossed lovers. Always stealing moments and seconds. But never days or years. We just barely miss each other in every time zone. Our stars keep crossing but only enough to wave and never enough to truly touch. I think I am in love with the fact that I know if we did find a way, it could be beautiful. The fact that I know you would love me fully. But I think l'm more in love with the fact that we still have eternity.

- we’ve been running in circles for years

[unspokenevermore]

Tonight I woke up alone for the first time in a while. But I’m not sure what’s more lonely. Actually being alone, or feeling like the person laying next to you has no idea who you actually are.

- pillow thoughts

[unspokenevermore]

My best friend always loves the pictures I look happy in. She knows the difference between smile for the camera and can you take a picture of me. She knows the slight change my face makes when I’m no longer in it for the right reasons. Sometimes I chose the one that I look prettiest in and not happiest. Like if I show my happiness it could be taken from me. But I always hear her voice in the back of my head.

- I’ve always been afraid to share my happiness.

[unspokenevermore]

I have this recurring dream. Sitting on the floor in a white room, completely empty. I look down at my hands. They are bloody, destroyed. I am gripping tightly onto shards of broken glass. Confused and dazed. Unsure as to why. I look up and there is a figure above me. But each night this figure changes. Then I wake up.

- And I realize all the destruction I have caused.