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Someone said i’m so strong, that i’ve been so kind i include everyone in everyhing.

Idk. maybe i had to be. i grew up with no one but me. that every eruptive voices, every episode, no one is noticing me. i was just there but no one goes to me. i can feel the love though i know i’m not special. the kind of love i receive is the kind of love everybody is given. i wonder what it feels like to be somebody’s favorite. To be somebody’s priority? to not beg for the attention that you’ve wanted all through your life? i can’t fight back because i should be the understanding one, iam the youngest, i am the stronger one. Can’t I be weak for once? Can’t people see i’m struggling too? They were busy noticing their weaknesses they failed to see that i have been struggling for years. I have been having panic attacks and blackouts for years. No one seems to notice. The only person i told about it is mike. He sees me. Pagod na ako sa narrative na ako yung mas malakas kaya ako ang mas umintindi.

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i just know

We talked about a certain person and how he stomached making his ex-girlfriend pay and work for everything in their relationship. while we’re at it, i became hyper-aware with how lucky i am to have you in my life. you are not rich and somehow i’m still thankful because i got to see how generous you are to me, to us, to the people you love. i didn’t tell you last saturday. i didn’t show you or you were just busy sending photos to nickson but while i was biting and enjoying the burrito you bought for me, i was actually crying. maybe i was touched or maybe i was in awe with the kind of person you are. (can i dare to say that it was the best burrito that i ate?) you would rather starve yourself with cheap food just to spoil the people you love knowing that you don’t have much. Again, I love you.

You always say that you would spoil me the moment you get successful. Truth be told, i’m not waiting for it because i’m more than happy with what i have now. You don’t have much but you are already giving me the world. Never ko na feel na nagtitiis ako sayo. Never ko nafeel mapagod kasi may mga oras na ako muna ang gumagastos. Never ako nagbilang kung magkano. Do you know why? I never felt like i’m the only one working for this relationship. Kaya nga inis na inis ako kapag nagk’kwenta ng mga bagay-bagay. “huwag mo na ako ilibre, may pera naman ako” ayoko po iyon. Kasi never ko inisip na pera ko lang lahat ng ginagastos natin. Pera natin pareho. It just so happened that i have more to spare nowadays kaya ako muna.

Love, we’re on our 17th month now and something really changed for us. Nakita ko din adjustment mo lalo na kapag galit na galit na ako. I often forget about things lalo na kapag galit na ako. Thank you for being calm. Thank you for adjusting for us. Thank you for reminding me that we’re partners and we need to communicate in order for us to work. I used to be that person. I used to be the one reminding us to communicate better yet now i always forget it. Thank you for being the backbone of this relationship. Thank you for loving me the way I am. I appreciate you. You are the greatest person I know. No book boyfriend would suffice. Believe it or not, you were the person that i prayed for when i was 18. It took Him five years to grant my wishes but all of it was worth it. He made us meet in the right time. Pinag hinog niya muna utak natin. Pinag hinog niya muna tayo as a person bago Niya tayo ipakilala sa isa’t-isa.

I’m sorry kung may balak ka pang kumawala sakin, hindi na pwede. Hindi na kita papayagan.

Mike, pakakasalan kita.

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It’s draining to be a people pleaser. I hate that i still feel hurt towards someone who can’t take accountability about what he did to me. I don’t know. I know he is not a good person but it still surprises me how he can’t just shut up. It’s easy you know? To have differences but everything make up for it by just being silent. I want to have solitude. To have little care towards people who are too old for an @ss.

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I was so mad with the way his ex treated him.

The lack of respect when they were together made my blood boil. It really unlocked the hatred I never knew I had. It was full blown hate, shooting imaginary daggers towards the girl. I was upset about a relationship that I wasn’t even a part of.

Then I was waiting for him to calm me down, to satisfy my anger, and tolerate the fury. Instead, he didn’t talk anymore and let me take my time for hours.

Boy, I was hurt. Upset to be exact.

Tried to communicate the feelings with him and he told me the reason why he kept quiet.

“Diba nagkakamali din tayo? Sino tayo para tanggalin sakanya yung pagbabago? Pwede din naman siyang mag mature”

And that full blown hit me. I was riding on hate for the girl that I don’t personally knew. I’m not that type of person and it kills me to think that I went to that path. I am an asshole.

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We overcame the “You’re losing me” part.

We had a tiring argument and both of us felt the coldness withing our relationship. Days of me asking him to give up and him reminding me why I kept on insisting it instead of resting, giving our argument a minute to cool down while choosing each other always.

Things that I’ve learned from it

- He’s trying too. Hard I may say. Too tired after work but still makes time for me.

- If something is making me upset, I need to address it right away in a manner less aggressive. Calm and collected.

- Despite everything that I said to him. (Hurtful) he’s still persistent to work with me. To let me know that we just need to communicate whatever it is.

- A girl tried to hit him up and he sent it to me right away. Gosh. I love this man

- HE IS TRYING

- HE IS WILLING TO WORK ON US

- HE IS PUTTING EFFORTS FOR ME

I just need to remind myself that I need to work too. To understand him more than anything in this world.

I’m telling you, HE IS THE ONE I’M GONNA MARRY.

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from “I hope I never lose you” to “Stop, you’re losing me”

You said you love me. Damn it. You begged me to stay. You begged me to not leave you and I told you that I won’t but why are you doing everything to make me feel unimportant? To make me feel like you can live without me? You make me feel like i’m not a priority. I know you’re busy. I understand that you’re tired and you can’t cater me anymore but i’m sliently screaming in your face. All I want is a little portion of you. I’m gonna stay if you give me a bit of it. I’m gonna love you the way I promised. Why is it hard for you to? I don’t know what to do anymore.

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Calling 2023 the best year would be an understatement.

I took the courage to face this year without any hesitation and I know that deep in my soul, I was wishing to have a good year. Boy! I was right. God didn’t just provide. He gave me memories, He gave me things that I never knew I wanted and needed.

His grace settled my heart in peace this year.

I got to visit Tagaytay-Cavite and Ilocos this 2023. It was awesome! I was reminded that every beautiful things were created via love. His love. To see parts of the Philippines was one gorgeous ride.

I hoped for an out-of-country trip and I was given two!! Got to see Hongkong last March and Japan this November. Imagine?!? Japan was one of my dream country to visit! It all still feels like a dream. To be able to travel and have money to shoulder all the expenses.

Had the chance to watch Hamilton PH too! Despite the difficulties with securing the tickets (Which aren’t cheap, By the way) and the trip going to Solaire, we were able to see the show with the announced cast! (Found out that Rachel Ann Go, David, and Jason didn’t perform for some shows)

I’m also a fur parent now! I adopted a cat and he’s the sweetest (minus the scratching when I bathe him 😋)

And the biggest and the most beautiful thing that I am grateful for? It’s Mike. To love and be loved by him. To have someone you can dream with is a feeling that I don’t want to exchange with anything in this world. I have never been this happy and it’s because of his love, his comfort, his patience, and his care. I entered 2023 praying for someone else to come back and be with me. I remember that I pestered God by constantly praying, “Please. Give that person to me. I want him.” But God replied, “I don’t like the person you’re praying for. Wait for my plans.”

And I did wait.

I changed my prayers to, “Lord, whoever it is that you want for me I accept.” Then He lead me to Mike. He gave me my Michael. He showed the path to get to know my boyfriend.

It’s beautiful, you know? To have someone talk about God the way Michael does. To have someone get so many rejections and heartaches but still able to say, “I don’t know what to do but I trust His plans.” To have someone with a pure heart he’s not even aware he has one. I remember a quote from TATBILB when Lara Jean said that love is scary because the more people that you let into your life, the more that can just walk right out. I used to be like her. Shtless scared to fall in love, to let myself drown with my feelings because I don’t want to give someone the authority to break my heart but now, thinking of it again. I would let Mike break my heart a thousand times for the reason that I know he’s worth it. I love him to bits and I would sacrifice my heart and gain pain as long as his heart gets to be happy.

If you ask my 2022 self if I expected all of this, I would answer, “No.” I never knew I could get to this place. To this state. To this serenity. I am able to breathe now thanks to the blessings that God has given me.

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I don’t want to lose this feeling. Him saying that his experience with his ex wrecked him and his trauma response was to get revenge on every girl he gets his hands on. Leaving his mark until he found me. He was left in awe when I blocked off his advances when we were first talking.

Him saying that all he wanted was for him to just play but it all changed when he knew me. His dreams changed and I am in it. He wanted to grind to so in three years time we can get married and have our little mikes and dudays

It feels good to have someone dream with you. To have someone tell you that he is now who he is because of me. Damn love.

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On oct 8, I woke up feeling dizzy and nauseous because of the decisions I made the night before (I drank and I got crazy) then I started the morning feeling empty. I had second thoughts about speaking in church because I didn’t feel worthy. I was a disaster.

My emotions were too high yesterday, I was weak both emotionally and mentally but my michael, he asked if I wanted to come with him. My heart was touched, he had no idea I was struggling yet, out of nowhere he asked something that I needed the most. Let it all out.

I was crying when we parked at Mcdo. He didn’t know what to do. He had no idea how to comfort (He told me to should and if I wanted a puff on his vape)

After a while, After I calmed down, we set up his camping chairs on the field and we just talked there for hours. It felt so good we haven’t noticed that it was already 12:30 so we packed up and went home. (LOL BEFORE THAT WE SAW A COUPLE INSIDE A VIOS MAKING OUT AND WE BOTH LAUGHED)

I was going for a kiss on the cheek when we got outside my house. My mind was still with the couple making out and I was kind of shy to reenact what they’ve been doing. Anyway, just wanted to do a sweet cheek kiss but he kissed me full on the mouth, I got surprised, I pulled away. He laughed, hugged me and kissed me again. It was magical. AND I’M TELLING YOU, THERE WERE FIREWORKS EVERYWHERE. TOTAL FIREWORKS.

After our little session, I went out the car with flushed face. And this jerk knew I wanted more so he turned the ignition off and played it cool like he wanted to connect his bluetooth first.

HE KNEW THAT I WAS GOING TO COME BACK. DAMN. I WANTED TO PULL HIS COLLAR AND KISS HIM AGAIN. SO I POKED MY HEAD INSIDE AND KISSED HIM. FUCK AM I GETTING ADDICTED?

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why am I writing here again? IDK?

I guess, I’m feeling a bit sad? My love is hurt and I’m hurting too. I mirror his emotions now but it doesn’t take a piece of me, It doesn’t drain me. I can’t believe that I can love a person this much his sorrows becomes mine. I really am praying for God to lead Mike onto his path. I want my baby to succeed, I want him to not be stressed anymore. I want a future with him.

Before him, I rejected men because of their loads. Their melancholia and I felt tired hearing and feeling responsible about their feelings but with my love, it doesn’t feel the same. It feels natural—- like I don’t even command myself to do this or do that to share any ounce of happiness to mike. I just sort of do things for him because I want to not because I need to.

I hope this ends. mike not getting stability in his life. He deserves happiness. he deserves a life without worries. I just don’t see why companies don’t see how hardworking he is and I don’t get why other people don’t see the how pure his heart is. I’m forever in awe of him.

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The first time you wrapped your arms around me, i’ve never felt butterflies in my insides nor felt the voltage of electricity cursing through my body.

When you hugged me, I felt stillness and peace. I’ve never felt so relaxed and at ease after so many days of being restless.

When I look back to the time you first held me, suddenly I was my old self. A kid that was like wrapped in her favorite blanky feeling safe and sleepy.

That’s what you are to me. Comfort. When people say your name, that’s all I remember. Home. You feel like home. You are my home.

I never thought that home can be a person.

I never thought that the person I wasn’t aware of a year ago, can be my home from now on.

My michael, I’m proud of the person you are now. Thank you for trying.

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my first kiss went a little like this

for the past days, we’ve been fighting over petty things. though be always sort things out but fighting makes us anxious and scared of what the future holds for us. Him being unable to find work makes him stressed and it kind of pains me to think that I couldn’t do anything for him. If only I could give my heart for his own to heal, I would.

I drank two bottles of smirnoff today to relax and it had backfired for I became dizzy and a bit tipsy. So when mike called, I was basically trying to make pa-cute by tellinf him I want his hug. I really do. His warmth gives me so much energy. So, he drove to my house to hang out for like 30 mins.

When it was time for him to bid goodbye, I couldn’t let him go. I wanted the hug to last forever that it aches physically to think that I need to let him go because he also has a life to tend to and our worlds don’t revolve around both of us. When it’s time for him to go, he wanted me to get inside and not watch him go but that is exactly what i wanted to do. to see him make his way and make sure that he’s safe.

We kept on going back and forth for him to step on the pedal and finally head back home and for me to get inside and lock the gate. Feels like there was something between us that kept telling us that we still have one thing to do.

He reversed the car and told me to get inside and there, we just drove around 7th avenue while he was holding my hand. My head was throbbing and my vision is spinning but I can make up words when he told me “mag-aaway pa tayo?” I don’t want to. As much as possible, I want us to be understanding of each other yet, arguing gives the both of us the allowance to know each other more.

When he reached my house, I kissed his cheek and went for his neck. (IDK WHY I KISSED HIS NECK. WAS I CRAZY? MAYBE) then I took a deep breath and went for his lips. When our lips brushed together, my heart began acting wild. I got shy so I immediately took off. I took a glimpse of him before doing so and saw his froze up figure contemplating what just happened. Gosh. I love this man.

I’m still touching my lips. Still in disbelief that I just got my first kiss. It was the perfect one though I didn’t want to do it in his car.

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24th

Spent my birthday on the road because I watched Hamilton PH on the 28th with Jules. It was beautiful and it resonated with my soul and inner child. Mike gave me space the whole day because he wanted me to enjoy and I appreciate the thought process.

I just wish that sometimes, he’s clingy though?

On the first hour of 29th, I cried. Maybe it’s really a rite of passage to cry every year on your birthday hahaha. I felt sad because I’m getting older and I don’t want to enter adulthood yet. I want to stay as it is but when we went to dinner, it was kind of fun to celebrate it with people who love me. with those I know that I can lean on to.

Now, I’m feeling blue and I honestly don’t know why.

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I spoke too soon. We fought tonight about something we could just resolve in matter of seconds.

Won’t go into details anymore but I’m in pain? It’s like you know something is hurting, yet, you can’t pinpoint it? You can’t even cry about it because it fucking hurts so much.

Does he want to break up? Fuck. Please no. The thought of it is making me sick in my stomach. I’m hurt. Fuck.

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What do i really want?

We established our relationship to be more understanding and free. I didn’t want any of us to feel compelled to message just because we’re responsible to and not because we really want to.

Almost a month now and I can say that we’re building something where trust becomes the foundation of everything. I’m not really the jealous type. I don’t want to hold his leash and tell him to do this and do that. He’s my partner and I know he has his own life.

Sometimes he doesn’t reply fast and it kinf of infuriates me? I know we’re both busy and it’s not his fault that I’m always on my phone and he’s not but I can’t help but overthink. Is he slipping away?

I asked him days ago, “Bakit makanita? Sasawa naka?” And he replied, “emalyari ita.” Then it hit me. Sometimes I don’t open his messages too. Though I miss him so much but I know that we both need our space from time to time.

I love him so much. I won’t give up on this. On us. I’m praying for his peace of mind and for him to find his path.

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I grew up thinking and preparing to be a girlfriend. I dreamt of it so much that I don’t know how to be one.

I restricted myself to go and find a relationship during college. Though, lots of men tried to pursue, I just knew that I didn’t want it yet and it’s entirely my fault not theirs. With every guy that I met, every guy that have tried, I forgot to say that I’m not looking for a boyfriend yet, As a matter-of-fact I used my book obsessed self to compare every one of them to the ones I’ve read in books and I know what you’re gonna say. It’s unfair and sadistic of me to do that. I know. It is. Instead of closing doors, I kept them open but when someone gets too close, I just shot the doors in front of their faces.

It was sad. I was an asshole. I was not ready but I kept on giving them mixed signals. I was the problem even though I kept blaming them for fucking up. They did not. I was just scared.

Now, I’m an adult and I knew that I reserved myself for too long I have no idea how to play a role in a relationship. We’ve been girlfriend and boyfriend for 3 days now and I couldn’t stop bringing up his past. I never cared about it. I knew It doesn’t really bother me. But why do I keep using it to enrage him? It hurts him and I hurt with him.

I just hope that it is only hormones acting up because I cannot keep doing this do him. I cannot keep on hurting him. I love him so much that his pain becomes mine.

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today’s the day when I asked him what the date is. After he answered, i said “Okay. Yan na anniv natin.” and I lost him somewhere 😭 He was driving and almost hit someone because of what I said.

I can’t believe I’m saying this but this guy, I’m happy that he’s my first boyfriend. I’m happy that I can call him mine. The way he held me when I started shaking after I told him my most buried trauma. He’s one of the few people that I shared it with and his response with it made me love him more. I wonder, is it possible for love to grow more and more? my heart can’t almost take it but I know everything’s worth it. he’s worth it.

My boyfriend, my michael. I love you. I didn’t think of you to be the one and I’ll do my best to keep you by my side, always. (I’m gonna read this blog when i’m having a hard time why I chose to love you so I can be reminded the reasons why I wanted to be my end.)