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Continued feb 19 to March 31st 2021

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To be continued feb 19 to March 31st 2021

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India trip feb 19 to March 31st

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Is it right to be selfish?? Yes, to me, it’s absolutely makes sense to be selfish.

Being selfish means, to be completely involved in doing something. Isn’t that the whole purpose of doing the things with absolutely awareness???

Be selfish and be kind to yourself and to others!!

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28th birthday could not have been any better than this. Everyone in my life made it so special. I was literally stunned by the amount of people who loves me to bits. Thanks a lot guys! It really means a lot to me. You guys are the best!

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Together we build a family away from family. March and April 2020 quarantined!!

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Quarantine time food-show case! 😎😋😋

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The END!

I dont see myself spending the rest of my life with you.

I want a man, who I can talk comfortably without giving it a second thought or thinking i will be judged. Relation or marriages gets better when we feel comfortable with each others thoughts. I have noticed many a times that you dont align well to my thinking or my likes. My likes or my talkes are condemmened. including my feeling low. I send something, you feel its silly or not important. I talk something, you feel its so stupid. You might have not said that aloud but you definetly have made me feel that. So, yes. I do not want this. Even though i was sure to not to continue with this proposal, i continued to talk, just so that you dont feel low during your exam time. And yes, thanks for trying your best! but we sure dont align ourselves to each other.

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Confused life! lonely

I do not know if its a good idea to give this a second chance or not.

I spoke to mom and I feel everyone is different and we need to understand each other to accommadate each other. To understand, the only way we have right now is, long distance.

After speaking to her, I feel I should try to put in efforts to make this work.

But he always speaks in a tone or a way that puts doubt on this second chance.

I have a fear that he’s trying to adjust or be who he is not, which will not work out in the long run.

2. Makes me feel like i am not enough. Or, not talented enough or do not have enough brain.

3. We are compatible? Do we like the way we are. I feel like there’s no like from your side for who i am. You make me feel like i should be more than what i am. Which obviously is a good thing. But putting down someone with knowledge with anything does not boost your will power. That mental support is lacking for me to grow.

4. Does not listen to whatever I tell. Send some link, ignore thinking it will be something useless as always. send something to cook, No i will cook wat i already know. Tell him to take care of himself. Ignores making me feel like he always knows everything. Stop telling me what to do and just listen to what i tell you

5. There’s no value to whatever I tell or whatever I believe.

If im so invaluable and only should listen to whatever you tell me, I really dont want it. Thats what i mean, You dont believe that I can make sense and resonate. You just avoid everything I say or do. Or you have some comments to make regarding what i say or what I want to do. Why have a relation or make effort at all when you have so much problems with me????

This second chance is an hesitation for me for the simple reason is that, I feel I’m like a back until your PR or JOB is done. Later you’ll see someone else and push me off.

Or you are already seeing someone and you just want to see if the other is compatible or not. i’m like a backup for your mental stress. You just dont want to feel that you are alone right now. You just want to feel secure for time being. These two are the main reasons which are not making me to put my 100% to make this work. Even in this matter you will feel like you have some pressuption that i am being judged.

Just like you, I also feel lonely... The only difference is that, you express but i surpass it by engaging my self with something and not giving attention to such thought. Just because I ignore it for time being does not mean i do not have such feeling right?

Everyone wants to feel secure or loved. If I am always going to treating like a doubt, I will obviously be insecure about it. And I also will feel like i will need to keep my option open, to get a heart break anytime.

You wont even save my number, unfriend me on FB, block me on insta, I cant to audio call to you on whatsapp. These small things matter. I know you were busy with other things in life and you forgot about it. I mentioned it so many times. I’m sure it just takes just few seconds in your day to change at least after mentioning it so many times.

You dont want to talk in your mornings because you feel that your productivity will go if you spend few minutes with me. If thats the case, I dont want to be your bad thing in the rest of your life. We gotta make each others day. Say good morning or good night whenever time permits. But we ignore. I try not to disturb you as much as possible and try my best to adjust to your timings or your ways of communicating.

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I am unable to concentrate on my studies due to emotional dranage fighting. Seeing all things that you keep saying, just because you feel that way. That i might have someone, i am fighting with you because i already have found it. Be it whatever. i cant align myself to that. It hurts me, i know that, what you are thinking about me is not what i am just because those thoughts come to your mind, but thats alright. thats who you are. I dont you to change for me. I really dont. I feel one should be the way they are or they want to be and not change for the other or to accommodate.

When I ask myself, do i Really love you? I cant find an answer to that. When i ask myself, if I, Mala wants you in my life, The answer is unknown. Its nothing to do with you. Am I happy continuing to do this juggle inspite of knowing its a problem. and its going to be a problem for the next two years. The answer is, No, i am not happy doing this. When things dont really make you happy. Its better you let go off it. I might not find a person who would love me the way you do but thats alright. The right person will happen when the time is right for me. I'm not happy. I'm thinking of giving it a chance only because you are asking me to do ; like so many times.

Most of the times, my gut feeling is the right one. I have come all the way, leaving all my comfort and support system to study and to financially independent. If something is hindering the process. I really dont want that thing. If something happens along my career lane which might help me grow as a person, may be we should consider. This relation is nowhere helping me to grow in anyways. We should do what brings us happiness.

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Just end it with a good note

First of all, I want to thank you for being super calm despite your temperaments. Initially I did not know what kind of guy I was looking for. My only concern was that he should care for me. Which i thought was too much of expectation. I started hear your requirements which made me think what kind of a person i want in my life. Of course im aware that we do not get whats expected, but im willing to trade few things if we get along well.

Unfortunately We both dont or cant make time- Long distance was never my thing and I want to get to know that person before i commit myself to that person saying I want that person forever in my life. But I highly doubt that will happen in our case. Getting to know a person over 9 hours of time difference is difficult and i do not want to proceed if I dont know if i dont know that person.

Hey thanks for all the time you spent on me and of course traveling thousands of miles to meet me. Helped a lot. You may stop calling me or texting me as I do not wish to proceed with this proposal anymore. I do not see myself spending my life with you. And i dont want to give any further explanation for the simple reason that we both will have unresolved questions forever.

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Jordan Peterson

Divide your life into 6 stages. 8 experiences in each of these epochs. Why were these emotionally affecting. Where you are and what you are. This helps you in collecting yourself to begin with. so that you are in one place. Which part you need to take care of.

what are you faults on your way. How can you capitalize or rectify them so that you dont end up making the same mistakes or faults again.

Take care of yourself as you are responsible for someone else. intervention.

develop a attitude, the attitude that you are worth, despite your faults. set up a life the way you would set for someone who you cared for. do something worthwhile. dont be painfully optimistic.  if you aim at something and work towards that, there are higher chances that it will occur. If you dont act towards it, there are more chances that it wont occur when you act randomly. lay out vision, which will manifest itself. the universe will conspire it. dont keep your goal vague. have a concreate goals. clarify what you are after. dont be socially affraid- work towards it on a daily basis. Set your mind on something and you’ll pull yourself out of everything that comes on your way. ask yourself, like you would ask someone who you care, whats bothering you, how can you make things better. write 3/5 sentences how your life could be. like, how you want your life partner be, how your relation with that person be, where you want to live and so on. if you could have everything you wanted. its not going to be realistic and thats alright. Its going to look like a flawed plan and thats absolutely alright. Flawed plan is better than no plan at all. When you execute a flawed plan, you can eaxtly figure out why its flawed rather than assuming hypothetically why its flawed.  Then you can fix the plan. This flawed is called the meta plan.

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Paris feels! New year turned out to be a good start with this trip. One last trip or the one of the many trips with the best people in Kaiserslautern. These people make everything seem much tolerable!! I love the way the bird came to pose inspite of the fog!

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Love is a part of your journey

Sometimes, only sometimes, or may be more than sometimes. I crave for that unconditional love, that comfort love. I want to just hear that comforting voice. To know I will not be judged for my current mood, to know that mood swings happen and it’s alright to feel what I’m currently feeling. A shoulder to lean and talk shit! Literally... like, why do we have two legs, why do eat chocolates so much, yet avoid and of course many others. Just thinking about it makes me feel a little, just a bit, comforting. Is it wrong to crave for such stuff? Sometimes, just sometimes, i want to discuss how we love each other. How much we mean to each other. Why do we love each other so much. Wowww! Doesn’t that feel great? Yes, there’s great feeling thinking about the little things. Little things, are all that is required, for builds a long and comforting relation.

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RIP appatha! Love you loads and I will miss your constant motivation.

The last i spoke to you, you were very weak. I still remember how much of a compassionate person you are. Educating another human was all that you could think of. Which is my honour to have been with you and spent quality time with you. I still remember the number of stories we got to hear from you with all the josh and with different voices for each character. You even mode cassettes of stories because we could not longer come there every weekend. You made sure I was financially independent by opening my first ever bank account in Canara bank. You made sure pappa put money to that account every month. You even gave me my first every pocket money. I still have those letters I used to receive every month. An envelope stating the amount and some good wishes along with the cash. Thank you for making sure that envelope reached us every month, no matter what. The only thing you always told me is, chennag odi doddaval agu!! Every time I told you something that I was doing, you were so eager to listen to it. You were the happiest to know that I have continued my education till masters. You were even thrilled to know that I was flying to Germany to do my masters. Thank you appatha for always loving me unconditionally!! I will miss you. A lot!

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Sometimes, the time passes too sooner than expected. But when the time is actually moving, we feel its moving slow. No one knows the answers to this.

When we are with our loved ones, it feels like we dont value them for what they are but we are actually connected without strings. We only realize that existence of the string once that breaks, dont let the time tell you otherwise. Dont make your book blank by not having any sort of connections to the ones you have a little spark.

Watching this show called “little things” makes me realise how the little things actually matter in life. Those little things are the ones which put you the maximum satisfied smile on your face, even without a vein’s effort. I know we all are caught with our big-peer pressured or self pressured dreams of ours, yet dont loose out on the little things that count. Wishing your loved ones good morning or good night. Just listening to their voice because that calms your mind. sometimes their stupid ways of cribbing at things that are out of hands( even though it sounds illogical at that moment), just calling them at the middle of something because they crossed your mind for some reason. Dont forget to show them something you got excited about, it might actually make you closer with the other person than you think.

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Believed

The day I spoke to you, you made me feel very much ease by telling me what you went through. It simply melted me. Not because of anything that might be running in your head, but because I thought I could try to heal you. Because I know it feels to be hurt. The more you pushed me away, the more adamant you were in not continuing the talks, I kept pushing it. It was only because I know you were scared and due to which you were only protecting yourself. I gave you enough time to get used to me, to show you that not all girls out there are out of hurting. There are some who genuinely want to help you heal you. As time went by, I realised, that you value more of education level, the position he/she works at. I’m not blaming you, i understand those things matter. It matters to me as well. But for me, its not the main concern.

The above was emotional, a little too much. Coming to the practical ones.

I am in one country and you are in one, we both arent so much in love to stay apart and lead lives until either one of us settles. We cannot see each for long duration, make efforts to make each other feel special. I’m unsure of completion of my masters, which makes you feel like you have to wait a lot. Since you told me keep Germany as my working place and work towards it, I have thought about Internship. Which will make life easier in getting job at the machine learning domain much easier. This is another factor which might delay my completion. This are the concerns from my side to you. Please think about before investing time in the relation.