untitledvents

[untitledvents]

pain sat dec 14 2024

i wish i could tell you about the pain you cause me

i wish i could tell youq how hurt your words make me

jokes of manipulating me, gaslighting me, saying you manipulate me saying you wouldn't tell me when you'd do so,

it hurts. it all hurts so much

i don't wanna feel paranoid about our relationship.

i remember before you hit me, i was thinking about how much you've improved as a person, how much hope you've given me, how much ive started trusting you

and then you tear it away, as a joke

maybe it wasnt a joke to you. it definitely wasnt to me

but it feels like you're making a joke out of me

im not the butt of the joke, im not just something, like that.

i wish you'd care for me the same way i care for you

if i tell you i hurt myself you're the one who needs my comfort

small, subtle things. paying attention, saying little compliments, gifts and giving just, a bunch of small acts of love.

instead you neglect me until i tell you im neglected, and you make a grand gesture of love.

i have had to beg for your attention so many times

i have screamed in my mind about the horrible, horrible things id say to you just so that you'd pay attention to me

you never pay any attention to me

everything is about you, always

and i know you give me attention

you listen to the things i ramble about, you study about it yourself, you do whatever you can to know me

but when you get like this

when you get so, centric

its hard to feel loved

its hard to feel nice

you don't know how much i sacrifice for you

my whole life revolves around yours

i dont allow myself to go outside for a little bit unless you're going outside, and even then i can rarely actually go out

i act so, stupid when you come back late because i copy you and im sorry

but you don't really notice, how much i sacrifice for you

you don't notice so much about me

maybe this is a bit stupid to complain about but i don't feel very noticed sometimes

or i feel annoying

i feel like, a trophy of yours, to be shown off, instead of an equal

you say we're equals but then you don't treat us as such

i dont know

i feel sick

[untitledvents]

religious bullshit and hate Sep 18 2024

I DONT CARE WHAT ANYONE ELSE FUCKING SAYS I AM A BAD, BAD FUCKING PERSON. I AM A HORRIBKE PERSON, AND NO ONE LIKES ME, AND NO ONE SHOULD.

I WISH I HAD A FUCKING MOOD DISORDER WITH EXTREME FUCKING SYMPTOMS SO THAT EVERYINE COULD SEE HOW FUCKING INSANE I AM AND LEAVE ME

EVERYTHING has just gone D9WN FUCKING HILL since surgery and its ALL MY FAULT

and its my FAULT BECAUSE IM A BAD FUCKING PERSON

I DONT CAAAAAARE I DONT CARE ABOHT ANYONE I DONT CARE ABOUT YOU I DONT CARE ABOUT ANYONE THAT I PRETEND TO LOVE

and thE ONLY THJNG I FEEL FOR HIM IS PURE FUCKING OBSESSION. I HOPE HE REALIZES HOW FUCKING INSANE I AM AND LEAVES ME AND NEVER EVEN THINKS OF ME AGAIN WHILE I FINALLY WORK UP THE COURAGE TO DO SOME PROPER DAMAGE ON MYSELF SO THAT MY WHOLE FAMILY CAN SEE HOW GODDAMN INSANE I AM AND THROW ME IN A GODDAMNED ASYLUM.

I DONT WANNA BE ALIVE BUT NOOOO I HAVE TO BE BECAUSE SOME DUMBASSES WILL GET SAD AND WHEN THEY GET SAID THEY FUCKING KILL THEMSELVES AND SO ON AND SO FORTH AND EVERYONE FUCKING DIES BECAUSE IM DEAD AND NOW ILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THEM ALL AS GHOSTS.

I AM A GOD RUNNING A CULT I NEVER STARTED AND THESE IDIOTS WILL ALL DO WHATEVER I FUCKING SAY BECAUSE THEY SEE ME AS A RIGHEOUS GOD WHO CAN DO NO WRONG

BUT I AM STRAIGHT UP NOT A GOOD PERSON. MY LIFE IS SLOWLY SPIRALING DOWN BECAUSE OF MY OWN FAULTS AND I'M THE ONE REFUSING TO OWN UP TO IT

YOUD THINK BEING SELF AWARE WOULD MAKE ME WANNA FIX IT BUT NO I JUST HATE MYSEKF MORE

AND ALL OF THIS BULLSHIT IS FUCKING STUPID IT IS SO STUPID HOW I FEEL THIS WAY IM GONNA LOOK BACK AT ALL OF THIS SHIT THATS MY OWN FAUL AND THING 'GOD SHE'S FUCKING ANNOYING' BECAUSE IM NOT EVEN TRANS I JUST SAY THAT BECAUSE BEING A GIRL IS THE FUCKING WORST AND I HATE WOMEN AND I HATE MYSELF FOR BEING A WOMAN BECAUSE EVERYONE SAYS IM A WOMAN SO THEREFORE I AM ONE

MY ROOM IS A FUCKING MESS AND THRRES NO ONE TO BLAME BUT ME. IM A HATEFUK LITTLE BITCH AND THATS ALL MY PROBLEM. I WANT EVERYONE TO GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME AND PITY ME AND WATCH ME LIKE A FUCKED UP DRUNKEN ZOO ANIMAL JUST REPEATEDLY BASHING NY HEAD INTO A WALL WHILE EVERYONE LOOKS AT ME FEELING NOTHING BUT PITY

I DONT RESPECT ANYTHING. NOT RELIGION, NOT THE LGBTQ COMMUNITY, NOT THE PEOPLE IM SUPPOSED TO LOVE, NOT THE PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME, NOT MYSELF, NOT NATURE, NOT THE FAKE GODS THAT WANNA BE SOOO FCPUCKING SPECIAL AND HAVE A FOLLOWING

BECAUSE I AM A GOD AND I HATE IT. I CONTROL PEOPLE'S LIVES WHILE THEY LIVE ON WITHOUT ME AND I HATE IT.

I WISH MY BODY WAS MORE SUITED TO CONTROL EVERYONE SO I COULD FIX EVERYONE TO STOP BEING SO GODDAMNED FUCKING STUPID AND BE PERFECT FOR ME. PERFECT FOR HIM.

I WANT AND NEED THE POWER TO CHANGE THE WORLD FOR HIM BECAUSE THE ONLY FUCKING SAVING GRACE IN THIS BULLSHIT IS THEM MAN I HATE MORE THEN ANYONE ELSE IN THE WORLD

I NEED HIM TO SEE HOW IVE FIXED THIS WORLD SO THAT HE CAN HATE HIMSELF AT MY PERFECTION

AND I KNOW ALL HE'LL FUCKING DO IS SUPPORT ME BECAUSE HE IS A BLIND, IDIOTIC FUCKING FOLLOWER. AND I WANT HIM TO BE MY FOLLOWER, AND I WANT HIM TO BE THE ONLY ONE FUCKING FOLLOWING ME. I CAN REWRITE THE WORLD SO THAT ONLY HE AND I ARE THE ONES IN IT, AND NOBODY ELSE FUCKING MATTERS. GOT IT?????

[untitledvents]

jealousy (vent/neg) June 28, 2024

the disgusting, gruelling, horrid hatered you get for yourself and everybody around you when you feel jealous that he's hanging out with literally anybody else but you.

the horrid, horrid feeling knowing that he has people he can hang out with on a whim and you cant because youve dedicated yourself to him

knowing it's not anybody but you's fault. because you deluded yourself into thinking he never feels any joy or love around anyone but you, so you isolate yourself to give all your love to him

only to watch him hang out with literally anybody else and seem to have such a better time without you, wanting to isolate him and make him feel the same isolation that you do.

he thinks that all the things you say about isolating yourself from all but him is just jokes or tease, but he has no idea what i go through, what i sacrifice for him, only for him to hang out with someone else while you watch helplessly

and you cant do anything because you told him to hang out with his friend

you told him to play when they invited you

you dont want him to isolate himself like you do afterall. you don't want him to feel gruelling loneliness

but god, does it make you feel replacable and used.

especially when you know that if you try to do the same, he'll feel the same way, but instead of hiding it until afterwards, he'll make it verbal and start hating you

not knowing all the sacrifices i make for him

i hate it

i hate myself for letting this happen to me