unturnabletable-blog

[unturnabletable-blog]

The mysterious girl(?) who ruined me

I am here to talk about the person who has destroyed me inside and probably the worst person in my life to affect me so negatively. 

I met her in the beginning of 2014 when she was making depressive comments somewhere, it made me want to ask what was wrong. From there we started to talk a lot, almost every day. I eventually found out she was in love with some big streamer, someone who was ignoring her all the time, so I hated to see that so I took it upon myself to try and help her out. She was thankful, got over it later and things were going alright, I even asked to meet her one day and she was open to the idea, we talked about doing it in the summer. I was interested in her romantically, at this time anyway. However in the summer she was acting very depressed lately, I tried talking to her but she said something that caused me to leave mid conversation, I don’t remember exactly what happened, but after that she disappeared for a week. Someone claiming to be her friend got on her skype account to tell me that she had killed herself. She also showed me a picture of her. This had to be the most devastating moment in my life and it made me depressed for at least a month. I blamed myself a lot for it. 

About five months later she came back out of nowhere, she told me that she thought she’d never be happy again so she did that. I didn’t hear much else about what was happening with her, I didn’t even know it was that bad before it happened. I never really knew what was going on because she was extremely mysterious. She refused to say anything about herself such as what she looked like, random things she did, or what she does. She even refused to tell me her birthday. Being interested in her, anyone could probably imagine that that drove me absolutely insane, I was fine with it at first but not after it has been so long. She also claimed to not be able to speak, before this happened, and I didn’t understand that. I couldn’t understand how anyone could lose their voice at a random point in their life, I guess it could happen if you smoked too much, but I don’t think she did that. I also had trouble believing that the person on her skype account was her friend, I think it was actually her lying to me. She also told me that she faked her death to everyone online and in real life, and she went into hiding, all to get back at someone, I still don’t know who or why, it wasn’t the streamer according to her. It is probably the most selfish and insensitive thing I have ever heard anyone do in my life. 

So after a while, things started to get back to normal, but not entirely. I noticed that she changed, she wasn’t as nice and more cold, she wouldn’t respond to me as often and I felt like she took every chance she could get to be snarky to me. After a couple of years, it got really bad. She ignored me out of nowhere for months for no real reason. I would send her messages all the time asking what happened but would never get a response, so it drove me more crazy. She finally one day said how she was getting tired of me and just didn’t want to talk to me anymore. She knew that I liked her before, and any time I tried to get even slightly personal, she would get silent or defensive. I wouldn’t ask this too often, but I was still interested in what she looked like and other things, I still didn’t know after all that time. The picture I had of her was old, and she told me  that she looks a lot different now, so I couldn’t help but feel that it actually wasn’t her. I would ask every now and then things pertaining to herself, and every time I tried I felt like I was being pulled away from her. It was the main problem, I didn’t know what to think and I don’t blame myself. I asked myself things like, “what if she is lying? what if she’s not really a girl, or a killer?” So many things pointed to the not being a girl part, claiming to not speak, refusing to show herself, not to mention acting like a guy sometimes. Not to mention, she mentioned being in love with another girl at some point who had someone already.

Every time I asked, which might have been every couple of months, it felt like she was getting really annoyed. She said that we were talking too much, I didn’t know that and understood so I talked less, but even if I talked after a week, or talk about something not related to games, she would either just ignore me or shut me down. I understand if you don’t feel like talking to someone so much, but this was not the way to handle it. I never even got a direct or rational response even after I wasn’t talking much anymore, she would just make it worse with her uncaring irrational behavior, I basically wasn’t allowed to say anything ever. Bringing up anything personal whatsoever was a big no to her, and I still found it weird and driving me crazy. I was eventually sick of everything and told her off, telling her how I didn’t deserve this treatment and that she was selfish for causing me all this pain for not being able to know anything and for being ignored for no good reason. Eventually if I tried to talk at all it was bad, and eventually I was blocked. 

I am coming to the conclusion that whoever this is is not really a girl, so many things just point to it. She is extremely selfish for all of this and flat out stubborn. I feel like all of these ill feelings towards each other now could have been avoided if she wasn’t overly sensitive about every detail about herself. So now I will probably never know the truth. After what happened in 2014, why should I believe anything? She is the shadiest bitch I have ever met in my life and has been the source of all my anguish for a while. She was unreasonable with everything I said, I tried to be nice and compromising but she liked to turn everything around, constantly telling me to give up, because she was done with me when I did nothing wrong and didn’t ever care about how I felt. She would refuse to answer any little question I had, to apologize for anything she did to me, probably found it fun, and didn’t find any form of communication acceptable which is unreasonable.  There is one point I can remember when I was talking about being suicidal myself, and she actually told me things like she wouldn’t care if I was gone and that I should just go ahead with it. She turned into the biggest piece of shit ever and after all this I wish she fucking stayed dead. I even mentioned to her so many times at one point that I was interested in her and not being able to know drove me insane, and she didn’t care. I didn’t like her anymore at one point and barely talked, but it was not enough, nothing ever got through to her, as long as she didn’t give a fuck she was completely unreasonable. And that’s not the only thing im annoyed about, I just feel used. Like I tried to help her when she was in need, always tried to be a good friend, and I just felt like I was getting manipulated and abused at some point, like I probably should have told her off a long time ago.

So something is definitely up with this and I am just trying to tell myself that she is someone that I would never want to be with anyway, and that she is most likely not even a girl to begin with. So many guys these days create fake online female personas to get attention or for other advantages, and this is probably no exception. I’m seriously just trying to move on and focus on my own life and goals and not have this bitch ruin it even more. It’s just really hard to move on because I feel like I was cheated of so much of my time and energy that I actually feel like I need to do something, the least I can do is write about it publicly. She is a selfish bitch, but she never directly tried causing me harm, at least I don’t think. For all I know she could have been laughing at me while ignoring everything I said for a while, and I wouldn’t be fucking surprised.

I am not sure if I want to say who she is, but I at least want to talk about it. Also, I don’t believe I was all in the wrong. I realized she wasn’t into me a while ago, I never was abusive or anything like she was, at the point she said how she didn’t want to talk a lot anymore, I understood and cut down on it a lot. I was good to her and she treated me unfairly, refusing to listen to anything I say. Am I missing something here? Have I done something wrong? I understand when you are tired of someone, but she took it to such lengths of selfishness. I am actually trying to think of something else that I might have done wrong, but I genuinely can’t. Is it wrong of me for asking a personal question sometimes? Is it wrong of me to want to know what she looks like or her fucking birthday or something after three fucking years? I don’t think it is, I think it’s completely natural, especially after this long and when I was into her at one point. I admitted to maybe being wrong in that I talked too much sometimes, but she couldn’t admit to literally anything, and actually told me it was my fault it got to this point. It’s actually unfucking believable.