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I've mostly moved on from the girl that left a special imprint on me from 2017 but this message still hits quite hard. It's like... I've accepted for how things turned out to be and I'm not happy about it, but at the same time I can't really control the situation so why even be sad over it? I told myself if I ever coincidentally run into her, I'd acknowledge her presence but I'd keep moving forward because our past is nothing but a fossilized memory. I've given up on the idea that she will come back to my life and we'd re-establish that friendship/situationship that we once had together. It sucks for the person that wishes things could be different but that's reality. Only thing I can do is find somebody similar to the first girl that left a special imprint on me but better. I know she's out there waiting for me. Just need to keep building myself in the meantime and heal from my sorrows.

little bit from a longer piece of mine ࿔‧ ֶָ֢˚˖𐦍˖˚ֶָ֢ ‧࿔
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Moving on from a friendship/past situationship that I tried resurrecting
I don't know where to get started. I didn't think I would be writing this but here goes. I started this Tumblr account back in May 17, 2017. A few weeks before graduating high school. I experienced my first kiss and possibly my first love on March 17, 2017 to a girl that I thought I would be friends forever. We were never in a relationship. Sort of started a situationship but it never led anywhere more than that because she was talking to other people and had the decency to let me know. I didn't exactly know how to navigate through that so I let things play out naturally without trying to control the situation. I'll admit, I had really strong feelings for her and I was anxious to admit them to her because she wasn't looking for anything serious nor did I want to come off as clingy, so I kept my cool. After graduating high school, the summer before my first semester of college felt like I was in purgatory. I couldn't enjoy it because I was thinking about her all the time and I thought by distancing myself away from her, I would get over her and feel better but it just made things worst. The worst feeling from all of this is that we never really hanged out that summer nor did we communicate much but things were still "fine" between us to a degree. We would text each other throughout the entirety of my first and beginning of my second semester of college. The last time we spoke was on Feb 2018, and we made plans to hangout and see each other but those plans never came to fruition. In my mind, I didn't think it was a big deal and that we could always plan something whenever. By this time, I didn't have much romantic feelings for her anymore but I still cared about the friendship we had. Something she said not to worry about before we entered a situationship back in 2017... after Feb 2018, she and I didn't speak anymore. I wrote to her in 2019, she didn't open my message. Okay, no big deal. I wrote to her in 2021. She actually did read my message but didn't respond. Things fell of between us but I didn't really follow up through it... until after I graduated college in 2022. I took the initiation and went to see her. When she saw me, her facial expressed and eyes were in shock... like she couldn't believe she would ever see me again. I was unable to ask the questions I had for her because I could tell she was uncomfortable seeing me after so many years of not communicating and I decided to leave. I texted her saying how much I've missed her and appologized for showing up back to her life unexpectedly but asked her why has she been avoiding wanting to talk to me. Her response was... her phone hasn't been working which I know is a blatent lie because she posts on social media all the time. Instead of telling me the cold hard truth, she decided to give some a lousy execuse. Why couldn't she tell me that she just moved on from me? Why couldn't she had told me that she lost interest in staying friends? At that moment, I lost myself. I fell into a dark mental void and fell into the biggest depression of my life for a couple of years. Despite being a college graduate, my life felt like it needed to come to pause because I was unable to deal with reality and the looming sadness that I was enduring. Between 2022 to 2024, I used marijuana as a coping mechanism to ease the pain. I became my own therapist, speaking to myself in the mirror to get over her. The person I once cherished and cared about so much is nothing but a memory. I can't believe this girl that left such a significant special imprint on me has become unrecognizable. I've gotten to the point where I feel back to normal now and I no longer need marijuana to feel better. I've started developing healthier hobbies like going to the gym, brushing up old materials I learned from undergrad, and feel ready to enter the next phase in my life. I'm a rising grad student and will be going back to school this fall. Lastly, although I'll always miss the special memories she instilled in me, I'm ready to move on forward in life. Thanks for being a tough life lesson, Sophia.
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This is the one and only song she shared with me from many years ago. We used to be so close between 2015-2017 before the entire friendship died. This song she sent me from many years ago is a reflection of how reality turned out to be. I lost a friend that meant the world to me in the past.
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Ah yes, my inner feeling and mood

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The world is full of suffering, then you die
Dorian Missick
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