uptownsights

[uptownsights]

How much can I impress myself?

[uptownsights]

Day 2 of being left alone

I have always been scared of loneliness but absolutely in love with solitude. Something about leaving everyone else makes my skin crawl. What if i get labelled as someone who doesn’t care about anyone else?

Being selfish has taken a new toll on me. Social Media is currently obsessed with being selfish and how it is important, yet how i was brought up, it was a wrong of different levels to care about one’s self for once.

I am still figuring things out on my own, still unlearning the ways i used to blend in. Maybe this will lead me nowhere or somewhere, but honestly, i should not be scared of the truth. The truth that everyone will leave except my own body and soul. My body will drag me through pain just the way it will bring me joy. And no one is as loyal as my body.

By the way i am treating my ‘friends’, i think i really don’t know how to communicate, maintain and be social like every other person. I find it hard to communicate with people i know for years. “What if their image of me is different and better than the real me?”.

It’s weird though, as much as i talk about my “authentic self”, i have never thought any of my actions were truly mine. My definition of myself is forever changing. Maybe that is me. Maybe i cannot be pin pointed to one particular trait. Maybe i am more complex than i think i am. I joke at how complex i am, yet it’s depressing to know that i might be so complex that i myself wont be able to ever truly comprehend myself.

Some part of me always wants to be sick. Not mentally but physically. A dream of a perfect slumber is so far away that i am still running to catch it. Caffeine, games,thoughts, people and studies cant keep me up at night. I sleep so much of my time away. This rush to match my speed with that of my heart beat is breaking me down. The run to get better is tiring me down.

“If you are not growing, you’re dying”

Comparing myself to a plant might not be a great idea. I dont remember the last time i blossomed at brought a smile to another’s face. But i do remember my buds getting cut down, leaves getting no oxygen. Its crazy how my memory is pessimistic and my mindset is neutral rather than optimistic.

I want to be like so many people. I love their aesthetic, i love the idea of them. I dont want to know them but i want to steal their beauty. What if i get some leftovers ?

I will forever be grateful to Murakami for teaching me patience, the joy in the norm and love in the flip of a page.

Pinterest and Tumblr is the way to go i guess. They give me so much joy than Instagram ever will.

[uptownsights]

Spoiling myself

[uptownsights]

Procrastination is my personality trait

thinking about how much work i could get done if i would do it

[uptownsights]

Shutting off

I don't want the wind, just the air

The body leaks and fills like never before

Potions of the Alchemist, spells of the witches

I'm scared of all but yours

Grabbing the neck

Pulling the lid tight

Whatever the like was

Grew with my/your thoughts

Because I'm struggling

Maybe holding it in

Whenever the tornado

Knocks on the wooden cottage door

We'll lock ourselves

Away from the erosion

Distant from the close

And pray for the first time

For the crystals to shimmer

And keep us warm in the autumn