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Permanent solution.

It is often said that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. You know what I think I think that’s bullshit. I would always get so mad when people would tell me that because everyone would tell me that of course I know it’s true, but that is not some thing anyone wants to hear nor is it that suicide is selfish I know it is, but that was the only solution I saw These days you’re faking it till you do it. Well, I’m here to tell you it’s OK to not be OK all the time. Honestly for most of my childhood, I was not OK. By the age of seven. I had the fake smile down and perfected. I was the shy quiet girl at school, I was the nice girl, the girl that did everything for everyone else. for a while that stopped the sadness. It gave me something to focus on like other peoples problems. I was a comedic relief for my friends. I had all the jokes and the best advice I was so distracted with dealing with other peoples problems. I forgot about my own Until I got home then the reality hit again and so did the sadness so did the dread of feeling like I wasn’t fully there I could solve everyone else’s problems, but when it came to my own, I was hopeless I knew what to do, I just didn’t have the energy to do it, nor did I care about myself enough to try. Things as simple as eating felt more like running a marathon that I definitely didn’t train for. How could you prepare yourself for something like that, well you can’t everyone talks about coping skills but no one talks about how hard they are to actually use when you’re in that headspace, I can tell you now that the feeling of a Blades felt like coming up for air when you were drowning. and the next day hit and now you’re upset at yourself for not remembering your coping skills that you learned. So then you put that fake smile that you’ve got to know so well on and do it over again it feels like a hopeless cycle that will never end, but there is a way to end it and that was to end it all so that’s what I tried to do. I took a bunch of pills and I thought moment I wanted to die but now I’m so glad I didn’t. Some days are hard and sometimes it’s hard to think that there will be a tomorrow but there is and I’m so glad, I had spent many nights alone in my room, crying silently into my pillow. I was embarrassed if anyone found out how often are used to have breakdowns I didn’t know what I would do. But now I’m not afraid. If anyone needs to talk I’m here for you always.