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[user98347501938475]

back at it

well after a decent holiday season he threw his wedding ring in the trash the other day and hasnt spoken to me in real words for 2 days.

im calling attourneys TODAY and looking for aspartments because fuck being stuck in this loveless marriage.

what kind of person can just give you the silent treatment for days on end and tell you to shut the fuck up and never talk to him ever again but then at the same time this person doesnt want to block you on social media or take down the cute photo of us on date night 12 fucking days ago.

and they say im bipolar. im not btw im fucking autistic and hate everyone leave me alone.

i was so much happier single, in my little coccoon of a bedroom never going out and only choosing who i want to spend time with via tiktok lives.

now im sleeping on the couch again which is gonna cause my hip to flare up i can already feel it. fucking shitty ass couch. not even the thich memory foam helps, if anything it makes it worse i feel.

but seriously when you google my husband threw away his wedding ring this is what comes up, the fucking national domestic abuse hotline number. no fucking joke. thats how you know its abusive. even google is like girl you ok, call someone seriously.

thank god for my mom and her forgiveness to me and to help me after all the shitty things i said to her after i started therapy again. if it wasnt for her, i probably wouldnt be here (cptsd) but also she is helping me get out of this situation, i just need a fucking job.

[user98347501938475]

[user98347501938475]

but at least i am harnessing my anger into coding and exercise. i just want to be hot skinny and mean. being pretty fat and nice isnt working for me.

[user98347501938475]

[user98347501938475]

what a fun weekend i am currently having. friday morning woke up to no cuddles and steve on his phone he couldnt even look up to say good morning. then i made the mistake of kicking his laundry basket out of my way in the hallway twice so that means i deserve to get some nasty text messages at 6am. great way to start my day having to apologize, again, with no apology to me for anything, for "already ruining his day" and his reply, "you ruin most of em."

this text thread caused me to go into another spiral of depression, suicidal ideation, that i called my mom later that night and ask her to take me to the hospital because i wanted to hurt myself or go get blackout drunk. 22 days sober today btw woohoo!

so after being given the silent treatment all day, i am sitting crying in the office and steve took himself out to sushi, arcade, and movie date. not a care in the world that i said i was feeling suicidal and wanted to kill myself. but my mistake i made the comment you win and all i get in response is doesnt feel like winning. jesus fucking christ your wife is telling you she wants to end her life you dont give a fuck. honestly that was it for me. i dont think any amount of counseling will save this shit show.

for context when steve threatened to take his life early on in our relationship, i was threatening to call the police i was freaking out banging on his door and took all the fucking shoelaces out of his shoes because he said he had just tried to hang himself in his closet. then i stayed with him to make sure he wasnt going to do anything. and this same man doesnt even ask or care where i will be when i tell him ill be gone for three days, a 72 hour hold possibly.

so my mom and the dr said i would be okay to go home and be under supervision for the night LMAO still gonna wanna die tomorrow but okay cool. literally unless you have active cuts or say im going to go home and kill myself they wont give you any help. and just a thought. people who want to die, me specifically, is embarassed that i am such a failure at life that youre going to make me admit to you that i dont want to be here out loud and then be told youre okay go home. i just dont understand how there is no mental help for anyone living in this shithole society.

my future will be divorced and living in a little shitty apartment by myself and never leave and never make any new friendships or relationships because i cannot make friends and date. i have way too much fucking trauma. i mean my husband doesnt care if i die and my only friend, a gay man, but man none the less, cant even drive home to be with me because hes at his moms house getting drunk,(( his mom who wouldnt move her fat ass to bail him out)) .has been using me as a gooddamn vent stress doll because he was going to be arrested and i told him he would be arrested he didnt listen to me or take any of my advice. this friend needs a whole post of his own. but anyway, guess who was taking care of his loud annoying untrained chiuaua until fucking midnight and driving to lake elsinore to get your truck and then go to the bail bonds place, all of which was extremely stressing and then he gets out keeps me up until 2 am to tell me all about how horrible it was, congratulations welcome to the club of being arrested, maybe just maybe you should have listened to your "friend" when she told you how horrible it would be. but youre a fucking moron and thought the cops woould be NICE to you wtaf.

i dont even have the energy or like xmas spirit to put up my tree. i sure as fuck dont want to celebrate the holiday with steve. he cant even understand that i wanted to visit his family just not during the holiday hysteria. so what does steve do? he buys us $2000 worth of plane tickets to leave DEC 23 and return the 27. UHM WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. i guess you heard me but just dont fucking care what i want ever. or his concern for my arthritus and nausea he doesnt fucking care. HIS family is more important than his wife, obviously how could i be so stupid. i will never be anyone prioirty i have to make myself the priority. and he was shady as fuck acting like i thought we were on the same page...... yeah maybe buit we're reading two spearate fucking books dude. idfk how you could think my wife said she doesnt want to travel during the holidays means leave 2 fucking days before christmas.

so now hes going by himself and leaving the day after christmas at noon and then returning NEW YEARS EVE at ELEVEN FUCKING THIRTY AT NIGHT. boy better get a uber home. dont even fucking ask me to drive to LAX or JWA or wherever the fuck you land because you havent even told me which airline you booked, he probably doesnt even know. the way he buys plane tickewts its just whats cheapest on the day i wanna go idgaf about how horrible the time or airline is. but yeah glad that our first new years as a couple, married as well, that we could have had a new years kiss. but you planned to land on new years eve. he just doesnt think or care about anything i care or think about. we are so fucking wrong for each other.

im so glad i can write here since i only get therapy once a week and steve said he doesnt want to hear me "trauma dumping" or if hes already heard the story he doesnt want to hear it again. thank goodness for the void of internet.

[user98347501938475]

[user98347501938475]

i dont know how many times i could say this to him. i do not want to travel during the holiday. but i was woken up just now by him cuddling me, i was so happy to be cuddled after months of none. and then he says i bought us tickets last night, at 10:30 at night without talking to you and confirming it was okay with you first. so he booked tickets for leaving DECEMBER 23 arrive 5 am christmas eve, then go home on the 27th. like that the actual fuck is wrong eith you. we are fucking autistic, AND YOU WANT TO FLY DURING CHRISTMAS. you're fucking insane you must love being irritated and mad all the time because you never listen to the other half of your partnership do whatever the fuck you want even tho i have stated several times i do not want to go. so now i bet i will be spending christmas alone becauae i just told him go spend it with your FAMILY, bc what am i just your wife no one important.

[user98347501938475]

tis the season

i was hoping that i would get to spend this holiday with my husband, picking out our own tree and maybe getting a real one for the first time since i was a literal child. decorating it together while we eat fresh sugar cookies in the shapes of stars and listen to bing crosby. alas. we will no doubt be enjoying(?) the holiday apart.

on his to-do list: pay the bills, buy plane ticket, give kiki money. hes buying a plane ticket. just one. and i'm not stupid, im getting divorce papers for christmas. i would prefer being beaten with a bag of coal tbh.

this time of year is always hard on me so i think maybe i will be better off spending it alone crying than trauma dumping to my spouse another story he's already heard and could care less about. or better yet could you even imagine traveling with ME during the holiday hysteria. seriously. he's the one thats better off. i would be internally and externally exploding. or one could say melting down.

thankfully my dumbass remembered you, dear tumblr. a safe space to maybe write occasionally.. somewhere to vent other than to my mom and therapist.

i need help processing my trauma thats why im in therapy. but if i cant repeat stories of my life because they were traumatic i guess i better start making more memories, new ones, happy ones, alone, so i can have some things to say that people around me want to hear. no one wants to hear about your sad bullshit, THATS WHY YOU HAVE A THERAPIST BITCH. HELLO.

i just dont think a lot of people care. i thought i was explaining why i am like the way i am but i am trauma dumping. if you repeat a negative story from your past it is trauma dumping just keep that shit to yourself because no one cares. they only care if you moved on and its in the past if its current shut the fuck up. cry to yourself, you only have you.,

[user98347501938475]

i got a new account after being gone for so long ,is this site just tits now? thats all my feed is anyway. maybe im telling on myself