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Friends

I don't think I'm okay. I've always been sad and I'm not the best at communicating but I've tried and it bites me in the ass everytime. I don't really have friends maybe a handful I guess but everyone else doesn't pay me any mind and I wish it was different. I used to have a really good group of girl friends but we stopped talking well I was kicked out because of a boy, they wanted to bring him into the group but he didn't understand no means no so I DID NOT like him whatsoever but they didn't believe me and picked him over me. So for awhile I was just going group to group and didn't really fit in with anyone so I became a loner. This was like half of sophomore year all the way into my senior year. ~I HAD NOBODY~I was a loner for so many years and even though everyone liked me and I played sports and was great I felt like a loser. I ate lunch alone most of the time I just sat there listening to music and reading. Sometimes the groups I would hangout with would sit and keep me company but I learned to be alone and didn't want them around me. I was so sad for such a long time and everything was just bottled up. Half way through my junior year I tried to kms but I didn't cut deep enough. I left school and did independent studies because I couldn't handle being alone anymore it made me so sad that I didn't have not one soul and i was going through so much but then I did independent studies and it was so much worse. I didn't have friends until I started working at my job and I made my closest friends and it might be because we see each other regularly but I didn't care I had friends finally. That friend group has been pretty rocky lately they go out and don't invite me because I said no a couple of times because I just wasn't up for it so they excluded me which makes me sad. I also have another friend group which is pretty nice. They are known as the bros and I've only known them for like 7 months maybe and they're all so great but idk if they actually like me hehe.They're all guys and I'm a girl and they told me it'd be weird since the girls in the group are gfs but it still happened lol! I pushed myself away from them and like everyone else because stuff has been happening and I wish someone would want to listen to me because I can't take it anymore. But whatever anyways I'm just sorta there I think they keep me around just to be nice not because they actually enjoy my company and I'm a shy person and I try so hard and it was going good but then I stopped hanging out with them and just recently we've been hanging out and it's like I'm starting over and it SUCKS. Not that I was really ever in the group because they don't care for me. With both groups I feel like I invite myself out and I hate that I don't have any reason to feel like that and I thought it was just me but i dunno I'm too clingy I guess but it just feels so good to go out and have fun because I didn't do that for so long and now I can but I dunno. I'm sure it's just me and nothing is really like that but I don't know maybe it is and I look stupid still hanging out with them I dunnoooo

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Um introduction

Hi I'm gonna start doing this anonymous blog thing because I have a lot on my mind and don't have anyone I honestly feel like I can talk to about stuff.