v0idtalking - Tumblr blog

[v0idtalking]

July 26, 2024

I am so sick being poor i am going insane. Im sick of cohabitating with a roach infestation im sick of living in this sweat house with no air conditioning but of course a sweat house would be bigger! Im sick of going hungry sick of the kid going hungry im sick of inflation im sick of no medical insurance no dental insurance no nothing. Im sick of no one helping or at least no one helping that can actually do anything because thats the goal isnt it. Have your people incapable of helping one another because they cant even help themselves. I want to burn this whole fucking country to the ground. I will revel in the fall of this cesspool and I will celebrate the suffering of every politician, every "elite" member of society. Im sick of being the bigger person when ive been made so low, my whole family laid so low. I hate. I hate. I hate. This isn't normal. None of this is fucking normal.

[v0idtalking]

gay people are so great. wish i could have sex with one.

[v0idtalking]

November 29th, 2023

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I can't. God god god god god god god this is so stupid I feel dumb I feel so stupid and dumb like I'm not special why the fuck would I think that clearly they're a social fucking butterfly. Fine. Whatever. Fine. Fine. Fine. We're not best friends or anything I know but fucking Christ. Forgive me for thinking it was something specific to us. I hate this. I hate this. I hate this. Whatever. Shit. ARGH! Ow

[v0idtalking]

I HATE BEING SICK. RIPPING AND TEARING AND MAIMING AND KILLING

[v0idtalking]

November 4th, 2023

Why oh fucking why do I meet and develop a strengthening bond with someone who would be the perfect romantic partner for me, but THEY'RE AROACE? Like shit it's not like my feelings are out of my control, like I can keep myself from ever even liking them that way, but I feel it in me that this fondness I have for them could be left to blossom into something else, though I will of course not let it. Like this is who they are and I respect and admire them for who they are, and I ultimately have no problem, it's just I can see what it could be, if all the stars aligned, so to speak. So it's a bit of a bummer just in a general sense. Whatever I dont have to prove myself to anyone, just, the assumed reader, know that I'm not being a pissbaby about their identity nor do I even actively want a relationship, and their identity is not the only faultless barrier between us anyway. It's whatever. Just an alternate reality I dont have attachments to, but which could have been pretty sweet.

[v0idtalking]

October 16th, 2023

I hate her so much right now it's unreal. She gets worse every day. She is a useless sack of bitch. I know that's cruel to say. I don't like saying it. But it's fucking accurate. Fuck her. Yeah he's arguably worse. But at least he shuts his fucking mouth and doesn't terrorize the people who actually work and do shit and try to have better lives instead of live in squalor and filth and type on the fucking computer all day I fucking hate her.

FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK. FUCK!!!!

[v0idtalking]

hate this neighbor and his asshole gossipy bullying insanity and literal hidden violence so much I genuinely hope he gets hospitalized for a month <3

[v0idtalking]

October 12th, 2023

when will it ever stop i hate living with her so much i am working i am a full time student i do all her kid's fucking homework i play with the kid I walk the dog i do fucking everything while she plays video games and pretends shes done things while im gone i fucking hate this she is so exploitative I pay rent i pay utilities i pay wifi all with financial aid and the man is fucking worse but at least he doesnt scream at me and make me feel like shit while he does his Nothing unlike she does i fucking hate this i fucking hate this I need to be gone ive been saying this isnt sustainable for fucking years yet i cant do anything about it jesus fucking christ I need to hit something i need to break something i need to fucking scream

[v0idtalking]

school today literally made me like. physically ill and exhausted. monday, move over, tuesday is the new beloathed.

[v0idtalking]

July 9th, 2023

I be thinking im normal and doing better then i have a bit of a wet dream about a girl I havent seen since freshman year of high school while im half asleep. She continues to fuck me up and I know she doesn't even think about me. GRRR. GRR IM SO PISSED AND THE WORST PART IS IM STILL HORNY. LIKE FUCK HER BUT ALSO. also fuck her. i wish. I hate that i still wish. its been over six years since we last saw each other. ffs.

[v0idtalking]

July 6th, 2023

So this time it isn't the worst thing, I'm just on my period and my heart hurts with yearning so much yearning I'm near tears.

I don't have very fulfilling friendships in fact I have few general relationships at all so I really should not entertain thoughts about romance and I usually don't and can distract myself. This is why I try to interact with sapphic media in moderation bc when I consume too much it consumes me.

I want what they have so bad I'm so lonely I just want a girl I want a girl. I'm open to those of multiple identities but generally just Christ a girl any girl before its too late. I wish I loved someone and they loved me and we could be together in all the ways you can be with someone.

I couldn't even have it if I wanted to and it was attainable bc of my circumstances I'm not getting into. I've accepted I won't get to live like a 20-something until I'm a 30-something and that's fine it's never too late. sure there's some resentment and frustration but i understand the reasons behind this and it's under control and im individual and introverted by nature so im typically fine. but sometimes im just so overcome.

my peers get to interact and explore and be with each other. I know maybe i can have that eventually years down the line. but right now it hurts and seeing depictions of whats been denied to me and will be denied for a while is really fucking hard. its a silly goofy wah-wah problem, whatever, but it hurts me and is pretty unique to me and has ramifications nonetheless. It's just fucking tough.

I know im not a chance taker and im not a flirt or initiator but the fact that even if i wanted to try i cant and even if people might want me i cant. I cant say anything else except its tough and its unfair. i dont care if that sounds juvenile. it is unfair. and stop. I was raised to think this would be the height of my life and my time to have fun and connections and not be lonely but im the loneliest ive ever been.

it couldnt be predicted and its not anyones fault per se. I just wish I would have done more with my earlier youth now that im so unchangingly stuck with no ability to unstick myself and my family. it does a lot to you mentally. i won't pretend it doesn't or downplay it bc im sick of coping that way. distraction is one thing, denial is another. I guess these are all interconnecting problems.

Its tough, it hurts, I wish I had someone or anyone, etc. Long, long sigh.

Maybe it'll change in the next 3 years. Look, I can even go 5 years. I can do that. Im a stubborn fuck, I can do it. One day one day one day. Just keep going. It'll hurt forever but one day it'll hurt less and there'll be some remedies. All is not lost. I will be okay.

It hurts; i'll be okay. 2 notions side by side.

[v0idtalking]

July 2nd, 2023

on another note i need to get fucked so badly. i need to be purged someone needs to get in here and and rearrange me so i feel good and all the bad falls out. its a romantic notion yeah i guess. im also just pent up and need release simple as that. god. wish there was a way and place for me to get safely and trustingly and recreationally fucked. damnit all to hell. shit!!!!!! want to hit things want to fuck someone too. GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[v0idtalking]

July 1st, 2023

angry angry angry angry. hate this man angry angry hate hate hate him.

can never get rid of him either bc we are so fucking poor and have no choice I hate this country. i hate the supreme court too are you fucking kidding me not only do i have to deal with this fucking situation even though they are fucking divorced and im an adult (theres a child in the mix and i have to watch her suffer like i did and provide for her where he doesnt) but i also have to deal with increasing hate crimes and the descent into fascism and my country actively and legally discriminating against me. dont even get me started on the isolation and neglect and my powerlessness when it comes to both those things. i fucking hate.

it is so hard to keep going toward a future where i might be happy because i simply might be too poor or i might simply get fucking killed or simply fall into a depression again and again and again. it never ends. never a way out. i can only keep going and i will keep going for her because I have no choice no fucking choice never a choice and on the rare chance i do im sure I usually make the wrong one. even if i make the right one im always fucking in a rut. doomed since birth because of who and what and where and when and it never leaves and tends to get worse even under the illusion of getting better.

so angry so angry its already so hard and im just about in the most vulnerable and difficult and disheartening position out of all of them and he then goes and makes it fucking harder and im powerless and cant do anything EVER! im a fucking kid again and I will never forgive him. i never have. ive only been civil unlike fucking him.

i love parts of him but mostly i dislike the whole of him. I know i dont have to justify anything he knows what he's done over and over and how he's purposely and directly and to our faces hurt all of us. I dont have to justify but i am not as heartless as he is and i need to keep with that. i dont wish him ill will but i want him gone for almost forever and when he is gone from this world i will mourn but i will dually feel relief and if that isnt the saddest thing.

you miserable little man. are you proud of yourself. is this all worth it. you're pathetic. Yeah I will keep fucking going and it will suck the whole time but at least one day ill get us away from you and your power over us.

the power which is only financial. men like you have no power. there is only ash in your mouth where you convince yourself there is the sweetness of superiority, the sourness of being a victim. you delusional pathetic ass. one day you will be entirely alone. I will get us out from under you, out from under this scheme you pulled.

and you will have nothing. you will be nothing. and it will be your fault. and you know that. you perpetuate it for your insecure delusions. and we know it too. so go ahead and wait. god knows I am. im really just biding my time here. you may have the advantage now. but that will change and when it does you will never hear from me. i will be gone and in my absence there will be power. fuck you.

you know how this ends. enjoy your selfmade condemnation. it will feel a lot worse than how youve made us feel and what im feeling now. live with it you miserable old shit. try living with yourself and see what happens 🖕

[v0idtalking]

April 19th, 2023

haha every day is finding a way to distract myself from this neverending loneliness and it's not even half my fault and you know why and there's nothing that can be done :)) fuck

[v0idtalking]

April 14th, 2023

Love a good fucking depressive episode that simply fluctuates throughout your life and never ever stops

[v0idtalking]

April 14, 2023

Well I'll tell you what, I regret everything and I don't know how much more of this I can take. The poverty and the isolation is going to kill me and the illusion of significance I place on myself by distracting depression with academic achievement can only last so long and I'm so fucking tired and angry and there's nothing I can do but keep being miserable and even when it gets better there will be something worse that makes me yearn for a past life which at the time was equally miserable. I'm so fucking tired im so tired I cant do it but I have to and I havent been happy since I was a small child and even then i had a terrible fucking time when will it get easier cmon just marginally easier FUCK FUCK

[v0idtalking]

April 13th, 2023

I kinda wanna manipulate and destroy someone who comes to love me just to feel vindication and feel better but I would feel so guilty too and I DO believe in life after love...so I mustn't. I stay silly.