val-vents

[val-vents]

I would like to be normal. I would like to nor be possessive over my interests. I wanted friends, why am I upset now that I have friends? This makes no logical sense. Why does it upset me when people like my interests more than me? I'm not capable of competing with hyperfixation so wtf feelings?

[val-vents]

Tfw you realize you're uprooting your life because you feel lonely but the friends you're going back to are all in a relationship and you're the only single friend d and you're gonna be reduced to a 5th wheel

[val-vents]

I hate relating to sad songs. I hate that I genuinely can't remember the last time I was kissed. I hate that my stupid hopeless romantic brain would rather fantasize about impossible situations rather than just have a meaningless hookup. I hate that I have this need for feelings when it's been so long since I had any that I'm beginning to wonder if I was ever capable of them. 4 years at a minimum since I felt even a smidgen of romance. 4 years at least since I've been kissed. I hate the phrase "love finds you when you're not looking". I'm scared that if I stop looking ill just end up alone.

[val-vents]

I think half the time I forget to tell you things because I've already told you in my head. We talk more in my imagination than we do irl at this point and idk how I feel about that. On the one hand, if my brain truly can't tell the difference between fiction and reality, then at least I get to tell you all my bad thoughts and insecurities without fear of repercussions. After all, it's not like you'd know things I've only said in my own brain. I do fear though that one day I'll get too drunk or too stupid and accidentally say one of these stupid thoughts out loud to you and I'll end up pushing you away...

For someone who was convinced I would be fine on my own, I sure am running back to you like a lost puppy. Idk what I'll do when you eventually leave me for E....hopefully I'll have more people in my life by then.

[val-vents]

I'm sad. I miss my friend. I miss having plans on Halloween. I hate being alone. I wish I was an extrovert

[val-vents]

It's the 21st of September and I'm going to sleep peacefully at 11pm. The most eventful thing that happened was that I choked on water. This day used to be so important in such a silly unimportant way. But it was ruined two years ago. We avoided it last year out of trauma. And now we're not even together. That part makes me so sad. I wish so much that night never happened.

[val-vents]

it’s the pipeline of ‘being labeled a gifted and talented kid at a young age’ to ‘dumbification kink make me dumb but tell me it’s a good thing and i’m still worth something and good and loved’ for me

[val-vents]

‘I told you what hurts me the most and you did it perfectly.’

[val-vents]

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAAAAAAAA AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Is this what anxiety is?

I don't like it

[val-vents]

Oh great, thanks Snapchat memories for reminding me of things and making me cry at 8am🙃🙃

[val-vents]

[val-vents]

Tfw you relate to All Too Well a little too much 😬

[val-vents]

I saw a very bright neon green outfit today. It made me think of you, and I wondered what you would've said if I showed you a picture.

[val-vents]

The true reason I consider myself a bottom:

I want someone to just take care of me. I want to be able to fall apart and have someone there to hold me together.

[val-vents]

I wish you weren't so far. I wish I wasn't so scared of you. You're too powerful.

I need you right now. I know you're busy and so far away, but all I want is to be in your arms.

Talking to you is safe. You are safe.

You understand me. You are kind to me. And I think that if we weren't so far and we didn't both have attachment issues, we would've fallen in love already.

I'm scared of making decisions. And above all else, you're my friend and I know you'd help me make the right choice.

I wish you weren't so far away, I need you.

[val-vents]

I've been thinking for months now about writing a goodbye letter to you. Not with any intent of sending it, just put it here and get it out of mind.

I hated how things ended. It felt sudden and that made me sad. I didn't expect for things to go down like that, I never even got to say a proper goodbye. I just felt stuck in this in-between void that I never expected to happen. I always thought that if exes could truly be friends it would be you.

But that didn't happen. And now I'm stuck living life with you still in my memory. I'll see certain things that remind me of you and I can't decide how I feel. Am I sad? Angry? Nostalgic?

Sometimes I'll see a random post, or a tiktok, or something will happen to me, and I'll still think "wow, they'd love that". For two years I lived with you as a constant. Certain things became instinct and now I don't know where to go from here.

I haven't been properly single since I was 16. Now I'm going on 21 and I don't know what's happening or what I want. I crave love. I want to love someone completely and have someone love me back. But you both left a deep gash that I'm still learning to heal from. It wasn't fair to you that I went into our relationship not fully healed, and it wouldn't be fair to the next one if I went in as broken as I am now.

I'm still broken. I wish I wasn't. Honestly, I mostly try to ignore it. I try to lock it away in my mind and repress your memory. I want to move on. I want to feel happy again. But I'm still haunted by your memory, I still think of you from time to time.

And now here you are again, sending me a messenger saying you miss my friendship and that you're ready to talk. I don't know how to feel about that. It's not like I don't miss you, clearly I do. But, you were so cruel to me the last time we spoke. And the thing is, I don't even know if you realize how you were speaking to me was cruel and hurtful. You're a stubborn person and sometimes I don't think you realized how much you would hurt me, especially in the end.

I'm partially to blame for that though, I never was good at communicating the true depth of my negative feelings. I think I was just always afraid of being called sensitive and insecure and being told I'm overreacting. This isn't about that though.

This is about you. This is about how you just want to come back into my life and I don't know what to do or how to feel. I was never good at reading you, it was always hard to tell how you felt about me. I don't know if I trust you, and I'm scared of letting you in again.

I miss you. I miss our friendship. I miss sending you things that remind me of you. I miss making you laugh. I miss your art and your characters. I miss you.

But I don't know if I have the strength to risk getting hurt again. I don't know if having you back in my life will be good for me or not.

You made me happy. As a friend and as a lover, you made me happy. I grew a lot thanks to you and I'll always remember the good times fondly.

If I can't have you in my life again, then I at least want to say goodbye. I think we deserve goodbye.

I don't know if I want to say goodbye yet.