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We looked inside some of the posts by valarhalla and here's what we found interesting.
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2 days
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3
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Since you mentioned your Akkadian "Steamed Hams" was inspired by Isaac Mayer's Biblical Hebrew version, do you have any plans to do an Akkadian version of "All Star"? (He's the guy who wrote that Aramaic version that went viral a few years ago)
It's one of the many, many songs in my drafts in varying levels of completion! I put it off for ages because the standard Akkadian word for "star" is too long to scan properly, but I recently figured out a good substitute and it'll be along at some point.
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Ze End of Ze Bronze Age
Hokay. So here’s the Near East. Just chilling. Dayumn, that is a nice Near East you might say. WRONG. Ruling out the Persian Gulf sinking, earthquakes and solar eclipses, Egypt’s brief fling with monotheism killing the gods, and the invention of iron smelting, we're definitely going to blow ourselves up. hOKAY. So Basically, we’ve got the Mycenaeans, the Kassites, the Assyrian Empire, the Hittites, the Egyptian New Kingdom, Ugarit, Canaan, the Sea-Peoples, the Amorites, the Luwians, and Us (the Babylonians). With Bronze. Ok so one day the Sea-Peoples are like “those Egyptian sons of a bitches are goin’ down.” So they launch themselves at Egypt. While it’s on the way Ramses II is like “SHIT SHIT WHO THE FUCK IS INVADING US. Oh well. Fire arrows!” Canaan is like “shit guyz’ … Ze sea peoplez are coming! Fire arrows!” “But I’m v’tired!” “Oh well have a nap… BUT ZEN, FIRE ZE ARROWS!” The Indus Valley is like “WTF mates?” The Assyrians, Ugarit and the Amorites launch THEIR shit, so now we’ve got arrows literally passing each other in mid-air (‘Yo. ‘Sup). Hittites are like AAAAAAH HANNAHANNA! “The Myceneaans are like “‘bout that time eh chaps? Right oh!” The Assyrians are like “fuck we’re dumbasses.” The Luwians are like “what’s going on, eh?” The Indus Valley is still like “WTF mate?” Mars is laughing at us, and some huge meteor’s like “well, fuck that”. So, now there's a dark ages, (Yes!!) and everyone's dead.... (...No, wait) Except the Indus Valley.... And they're still like, WTF? But they'll be indecipherable soon. Fucking indus script…Buuuuut! Asuming we don't blow ourselves up, us Mesopotamians have to work our way of breaking off the continent (bypass DOOM) to go and hang with the Land of Magan....
The Indus valley can come too.
ZE END.
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Gilgamesh/Enkidu version of this scene:
youtube
YMCA in Akkadian (Ancient Babylonian), as written by Gilgamesh's exasperated tourism minister trying to attract more gay guys to Uruk to keep Gil distracted from politics:
.
Eṭlū!- Young men!
Lā tuštamarraṣā- Do not, do not be troubled!
Aqabbi, eṭlū!- I said, young men!
Lā lā taṣallalā- Do not, do not lie down!
Aqabbi, eṭlū!- I said young men!
Šunu ina ālim- You are in a town,
Bēt bēt šikārim ḫanbā- Where taverns sprout luxuriously,
Eṭlū!- Young men!
Ina ālim alkā- Go to the city,
Aqabbi, eṭlū!- I said young men!
Bēt kaspī ul tīšâ- When you do not have money,
Annikīam tuššabā- Here you can dwell,
Bēt napṭirim nīšu- We have guest-houses,
Itti awīlī umtallâ- They are filled with men….
.
Taḫaddâ ina - You’ll have fun in
𒌋𒊏𒌋𒅗 U-RA-U-KA! - U-R-U-K!
Wašābum ṭāb ina - The living is good in,
𒌋𒊏𒌋𒅗 U-RA-U-KA!- U-R-U-K!
Ziquratum elâ! Purattum amrā!- Climb up the ziggurat! See the euphrates!
Šikārum ṭābum šitâ!- Drink fine beer!
Taḫaddâ ina - You’ll have fun in
𒌋𒊏𒌋𒅗 U-RA-U-KA! - U-R-U-K!
Wašābum ṭāb ina - The living is good in,
𒌋𒊏𒌋𒅗 U-RA-U-KA!- U-R-U-K!
Amuḫḫūni šaqû! Ziqnūni ītebbū! - Our walls are high! Our beards are shiny!
Nuppušātunu!- You are allowed to breathe [relax]
.
Eṭlū!- Young men!
Eṭlū šimeanni!- Young men listen to me!
Aqabbi, eṭlū! Agana šimeanni!- Young men! Come on, listen!
Aiālam terrišāšu- You desire assistance,
Shū ali īde- This I know for certain!
Šārqum wērum ul ninaddinkunūti- We will not sell you poor copper,
Eṭlū! Ālum ša Uruk bani- Young men! The city of Uruk is beautiful!
Aqabbi eṭlū! Bālātka tezzibši!- I said young man! Leave your pride behind!
Nušallakkunūti- We cause you to go,
Ina Uruk alkā!- Go to Uruk!
Ūmum anniam iseddūkunūti- Today they will help you…
.
Taḫaddâ ina - You’ll have fun in
𒌋𒊏𒌋𒅗 U-RA-U-KA! - U-R-U-K!
Wašābum ṭāb ina - The living is good in,
𒌋𒊏𒌋𒅗 U-RA-U-KA!- U-R-U-K!
Šarrum šitpiṣā! Ittmalûšu ṣālā! - Wrestle the king! Fight with him!
Ittīšu mekkê mēlilā!- Play ball with him!
Taḫaddâ ina - You’ll have fun in
𒌋𒊏𒌋𒅗 U-RA-U-KA! - U-R-U-K!
Wašābum ṭāb ina - The living is good in,
𒌋𒊏𒌋𒅗 U-RA-U-KA!- U-R-U-K!
Ziquratum elâ! Purattum amrā!- Climb up the ziggurat! See the euphrates!
Šikārum ṭābum šitâ!- Drink fine beer!
.
Eṭlū! Bilītkunu īde! - Young men! I know your burdens
Amtaraṣ! Ina šinigī- I was unwell, in my village,
Ātanaḫ! Erēšum ezzēr- I was tired, I hated plowing,
Awīlum ana yâšim iṭeḫḫe- A man to me approached,
Inūšu! Awātum awânim- Then! Words were said to me,
Šumašu, Sîn-lēqi-unninni- His name was Sîn-lēqi-unninni!
Ina Uruk alkā! Iqabbi ana yâšim- Go to Uruk! He told me,
Ina Uruk awīlī ūterrešū- In Uruk men are needed…
.
Taḫaddâ ina - You’ll have fun in
𒌋𒊏𒌋𒅗 U-RA-U-KA! - U-R-U-K!
Wašābum ṭāb ina - The living is good in,
𒌋𒊏𒌋𒅗 U-RA-U-KA!- U-R-U-K!
Ziquratum elâ! Purattum amrā!- Climb up the ziggurat! See the euphrates!
Šikārum ṭābum šitâ!- Drink fine beer!
.
Eṭlū!- Young men!
Addāniqa tallkānim- Please come
Aqabbi, eṭlū!- I said, young men!
Inam anniam ezêršu- I hate this job…
Aqabbi, eṭlū!- I said, young men!
Anāku ānḫāku - I’m so tired….
Bēt bēt šikārim ḫanbā- Where taverns sprout luxuriously,
Taḫaddâ ina - You’ll have fun in
𒌋𒊏𒌋𒅗 U-RA-U-KA! - U-R-U-K!
(Šarrum lillam ina - The king is an idiot in
𒌋𒊏𒌋𒅗 U-RA-U-KA!- U-R-U-K…)
Ao3 link
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#God I love this website#Where the fuck else will you find Mesopotamian disco bangers
It occurs to me this should really be followed by an Enkidu version of Staying Alive, but the lyrics of that one are basically gibberish and I'm not doing it.
YMCA in Akkadian (Ancient Babylonian), as written by Gilgamesh's exasperated tourism minister trying to attract more gay guys to Uruk to keep Gil distracted from politics:
.
Eṭlū!- Young men!
Lā tuštamarraṣā- Do not, do not be troubled!
Aqabbi, eṭlū!- I said, young men!
Lā lā taṣallalā- Do not, do not lie down!
Aqabbi, eṭlū!- I said young men!
Šunu ina ālim- You are in a town,
Bēt bēt šikārim ḫanbā- Where taverns sprout luxuriously,
Eṭlū!- Young men!
Ina ālim alkā- Go to the city,
Aqabbi, eṭlū!- I said young men!
Bēt kaspī ul tīšâ- When you do not have money,
Annikīam tuššabā- Here you can dwell,
Bēt napṭirim nīšu- We have guest-houses,
Itti awīlī umtallâ- They are filled with men….
.
Taḫaddâ ina - You’ll have fun in
𒌋𒊏𒌋𒅗 U-RA-U-KA! - U-R-U-K!
Wašābum ṭāb ina - The living is good in,
𒌋𒊏𒌋𒅗 U-RA-U-KA!- U-R-U-K!
Ziquratum elâ! Purattum amrā!- Climb up the ziggurat! See the euphrates!
Šikārum ṭābum šitâ!- Drink fine beer!
Taḫaddâ ina - You’ll have fun in
𒌋𒊏𒌋𒅗 U-RA-U-KA! - U-R-U-K!
Wašābum ṭāb ina - The living is good in,
𒌋𒊏𒌋𒅗 U-RA-U-KA!- U-R-U-K!
Amuḫḫūni šaqû! Ziqnūni ītebbū! - Our walls are high! Our beards are shiny!
Nuppušātunu!- You are allowed to breathe [relax]
.
Eṭlū!- Young men!
Eṭlū šimeanni!- Young men listen to me!
Aqabbi, eṭlū! Agana šimeanni!- Young men! Come on, listen!
Aiālam terrišāšu- You desire assistance,
Shū ali īde- This I know for certain!
Šārqum wērum ul ninaddinkunūti- We will not sell you poor copper,
Eṭlū! Ālum ša Uruk bani- Young men! The city of Uruk is beautiful!
Aqabbi eṭlū! Bālātka tezzibši!- I said young man! Leave your pride behind!
Nušallakkunūti- We cause you to go,
Ina Uruk alkā!- Go to Uruk!
Ūmum anniam iseddūkunūti- Today they will help you…
.
Taḫaddâ ina - You’ll have fun in
𒌋𒊏𒌋𒅗 U-RA-U-KA! - U-R-U-K!
Wašābum ṭāb ina - The living is good in,
𒌋𒊏𒌋𒅗 U-RA-U-KA!- U-R-U-K!
Šarrum šitpiṣā! Ittmalûšu ṣālā! - Wrestle the king! Fight with him!
Ittīšu mekkê mēlilā!- Play ball with him!
Taḫaddâ ina - You’ll have fun in
𒌋𒊏𒌋𒅗 U-RA-U-KA! - U-R-U-K!
Wašābum ṭāb ina - The living is good in,
𒌋𒊏𒌋𒅗 U-RA-U-KA!- U-R-U-K!
Ziquratum elâ! Purattum amrā!- Climb up the ziggurat! See the euphrates!
Šikārum ṭābum šitâ!- Drink fine beer!
.
Eṭlū! Bilītkunu īde! - Young men! I know your burdens
Amtaraṣ! Ina šinigī- I was unwell, in my village,
Ātanaḫ! Erēšum ezzēr- I was tired, I hated plowing,
Awīlum ana yâšim iṭeḫḫe- A man to me approached,
Inūšu! Awātum awânim- Then! Words were said to me,
Šumašu, Sîn-lēqi-unninni- His name was Sîn-lēqi-unninni!
Ina Uruk alkā! Iqabbi ana yâšim- Go to Uruk! He told me,
Ina Uruk awīlī ūterrešū- In Uruk men are needed…
.
Taḫaddâ ina - You’ll have fun in
𒌋𒊏𒌋𒅗 U-RA-U-KA! - U-R-U-K!
Wašābum ṭāb ina - The living is good in,
𒌋𒊏𒌋𒅗 U-RA-U-KA!- U-R-U-K!
Ziquratum elâ! Purattum amrā!- Climb up the ziggurat! See the euphrates!
Šikārum ṭābum šitâ!- Drink fine beer!
.
Eṭlū!- Young men!
Addāniqa tallkānim- Please come
Aqabbi, eṭlū!- I said, young men!
Inam anniam ezêršu- I hate this job…
Aqabbi, eṭlū!- I said, young men!
Anāku ānḫāku - I’m so tired….
Bēt bēt šikārim ḫanbā- Where taverns sprout luxuriously,
Taḫaddâ ina - You’ll have fun in
𒌋𒊏𒌋𒅗 U-RA-U-KA! - U-R-U-K!
(Šarrum lillam ina - The king is an idiot in
𒌋𒊏𒌋𒅗 U-RA-U-KA!- U-R-U-K…)
Ao3 link
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Aḫullâ marrāt mūtim ana amārim ša Utnapishtim u ana lamādim ša katimtim ša dārutim allik, u ēdāniš šupālātim peḫītim annîm iddinūninni :(
Gilgamesh wearing a shirt that says "I sailed across the Waters of Death to the end of the world to find Utnapishtim and learn the secret of eternal life and all I got was this dumb t-shirt."
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Gilgamesh wearing a shirt that says "I sailed across the Waters of Death to the end of the world to find Utnapishtim and learn the secret of eternal life and all I got was this dumb t-shirt."
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People have been nagging me to share “the curry story” on here for ages, so alright, I’ll do it. (If you’re Indian and reading this, I am so sorry).
I swear to god, everything I am about to say in this story is true.
When I was eleven, I moved to a small town in rural England and acquired a new best friend at school. Her at that point seemingly-very-normal-parents- nice suburban house, three kids, trampoline in the backyard- invited me over for dinner, and said they were making curry and rhubarb crumble.
“Curry and rhubarb crumble”. Never in the history of mankind have words been so untrue.
The “curry” consisted of, I swear I am not making this up, a vague mixture of * deep breath, oatmeal, tofu sausages, corn, tomato juice, chopped onions, raisins, “leftover broccoli leaves”, kale, and scrambled eggs. The only spice in it was the tiniest smidgen of turmeric. All these ingredients were vaguely stirred together, undercooked, and stuck under a broiler for ten minutes.
They gave me a massive portion. I somehow, I still don’t know how, was polite enough to finish it.
“I’m done,” I said.
“No,” said her father. “In this house, we LICK our plates clean.”
He did. They didn’t make me hold it up and lick it like they all did, but they did make me clean the plate with a piece of bread and my fork until they were satisfied.
Desert came. The rhubarb crumble was entirely unsweetened. Not so much as a raisin. I can’t remember what the crumble part was, because my mind is still haunted by the memory of being forced to eat an entire bowl of unsweetened rhubarb. You know in old Looney Tunes when characters would be tricked into eating allum and their heads would shrink? That’s what eating it felt like. They made me clean my bowl of that too, and wouldn’t let me leave the table until I finished.
The next time, (I was in middle school and as yet too polite to turn down my best friend’s parents) they made “spaghetti and meatballs and salad”. The spaghetti was utterly plain and so undercooked it was crunchy, the “meatballs” consisted of a single large orb of some grey material i have yet to identify, and the salad was, i shit you not, limp boiled lettuce. Crunchy spaghetti, unidentified lumpy grey stuff, and boiled lettuce.
The fascinating thing is that, while yes, these people were obviously health nuts, it was so much more than that. They were health nuts who also cooked like aliens who had never seen human food before. Or like small children making “potions”. One of the more edible things they served to me once was a dessert they made up which consisted of halved apples rolled in cornflour with some milk poured on top. One time, they were convinced to make pizza as a treat. They decided to put an onion on it. Fair and fine, you’d think. Not in that house. They just cut the onion in half once, and stuck each unchopped half facedown on one side of the pizza.
Speaking of onions, one time, my friend decided to make a banana and yoghurt smoothie. Her dad came in, said it wasn’t healthy enough, and made her add an onion to it.
They had a homemade cereal I thankfully was able to opt out of trying which 100% looked like the contents of a vacuum bag. I still have no idea what it contained.
Amazingly, it was by no means just me who experienced this. It was a small town, and every girl in it my age had a selection of horror stories about being invited to dinner at this friend’s house in the exact same ritualistic horror-film fashion. We used to sit around comparing them at sleepovers. Age did not exempt you. One time, this friend’s six year old brother had a friend over for dinner at the same time, poor soul. His mom arrived to pick him up, and wasn’t allowed to take him home until he finished whatever crime against cooking was on the menu that night.
Every story was the same. The ritual that never varied. Every time, these people would make a huge fanfare out of inviting you over for dinner, act all hospitable and excited, set the table, and then serve you a massive helping of the worst food in the world, and make you clean your plate of it, desert included. Who the hell forces you to finish your DESERT?
It’s a mystery to me. They clearly had SOME degree of self-awareness, because after I came to my senses and started coming up with excuses to avoid eating at their house they would tease me saying things like “ohoho, you don’t like LIKE our food do you”. If they had been a bit more fun and less generally puritanical sort of people, I could totally believe this was a family trolling activity where they secretly schemed to come up with the worst possible dishes, secretly filmed themselves forcing people to eat them and watched it and laughed afterwards, I could believe it.
All I’m saying is I’m pretty sure they weren’t aliens, but the more I type this out, the more tempted I am to believe it. Fuck it, maybe they WERE aliens.
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In a normal circumstance, I hate Netflix. However, they struck a deal to produce new episodes of Sesame Street and will ensure that the episodes remain free and accessible on PBS for all kids and for that, they deserve gratitude.
Additionally, unlike the deal previous struck with HBO, this one with Netflix also makes its so new episodes are simultaneously available via Netflix, PBS, and the PBS Kids app.
Please continue to support Sesame Street and all the other PBS programming via donations to ensure everyone, kids and adults alike, continue to have access to educational viewing.
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The long-anticipated war between Trump and Musk’s egos has officially begun
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Get in losers, we're finally getting an adaptation more accurate than Yukon Cornelius vs the Bomble.
Finally finished reading the original 1818 Frankenstein, and you're telling me that pretty much the closest we've ever gotten to an adaptation of the last/best arc of the book is this???
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Watching awful movies and I realized the creepy half-melted mcdonalds alien from Mac and Me looks like RFK Jr to a genuinely creepy degree.
#rfk jr tw#but jesus christ#that's just uncanny#also this movie's entire schtick is fast food product placement#which would probably piss him off
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oh, so you’re German, were born in the 90s, and you looked at these girls and thought, “Sie ist so cool!!!”?
you’re a wlw now
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I bring a certain Europeanness to saying "ma'am/sir this is a Wendy's" where I don't really know what a Wendy's is.
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WHOSE LINE IS IT ANYWAY? GREATEST HITS of WESTERNS
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