vampyc-spam

[vampyc-spam]

[vampyc-spam]

vent-y situation. about loneliness.

how the actual fuck do i manage to feel such intense loneliness whenever im not actively doing things with/talking to someone. like. im in the same room as my girlfriend who i live with right now, but we aren't interacting so i feel a pit of loneliness that is honestly on par with what i felt as a sixth grader and back (the time before we got together)

maybe because we've been together so long that being with her feels like a natural extension of ourself, and therefore not heavily like socializing?

bc i know we're extroverted. we thrive off of giving and receiving attention and being around people we like that like us back. but we just. have her. and our boyfriend (who we barely talk to rn bc he's so busy + timezones. plus it's kinda hard w him rn bc the second system isn't out to him, and we're sort of front-dominant rn). so we get lonely easy. that makes sense.

but it's not a valid loneliness. it feels like we're not allowed to relate to "actual" lonely people, because we have 2 partners who love us, one of whom we live with. real lonely people are single and don't have friends, right? but. we don't have any friends. our social needs are dependant on our girlfriend, and when she's working... we're alone, bound to the distance we can walk (half a mile round trip, which doesn't get us out of the neighborhood at all lol), and. sad.

online interactions? we try, but we've never been able to maintain them. we forget too easily, and have trouble getting into interactive activities (like roleplaying).

we don't even have school anymore! no interactions with people outside of this fucking house the vast majority of days!! it's suffocating!!!!!!!

[vampyc-spam]

syscourse ( ? ) and relationship related vent

one of our partners is a singlet . she's our nesting partner , we've been together for five and a half years , she's amazing . she's been alongside us throughout our entire syscovery , and can generally pinpoint who in the did sys ( she's not as familiar with this one yet , though she was pre-reset ) is fronting even when we can't . she understands as much as i'd think a relatively offline singlet is able to , and that's amazing .

but she can't relate , or understand beyond the relatively surface level she's at .

now , we do have another partner , long distance who we've been with for just over a year , who is a system . but he's only very recently drifted away from being anti-endo and active in syscourse , and only did that because he was sick of the misinformation anti-endos passed off as fact . he knows i'm in pro-endo spaces now , but he doesn't know anything beyond that . he doesn't have access to the abyssal elysium simply plural account . he doesn't know half of our plural identity .

that sucks . i'm sure if i told him it'd be okay — he wouldn't break up with us over it , but he may not ... " agree " with it . we've considered the possibility that the did sys is just eps / aneps and that the abyssal elysium sys is just all of our anps , and that's likely what he'd think was going on . but it's not . we have all three of those in both systems . but idk how to explain it to him ... ?

he'd respect it , i'm almost certain . but he , similar to our girlfriend , would not understand or relate .

i don't expect to have a partner who has the exact same experience as us . that's just not feasible . but someone who understands systemhood from outside a purely trauma-based / medical perspective . yk ?

me out here complaining that i only have two partners , lmao . i am not polysaturated yet !

[vampyc-spam]

yapping

it's really funny to see how much our ability to sit and dedicate ourselves to silly little tasks has degraded . we used to be able to sit and work on a neocities , so html , for hours ; now even a rentry is overwhelming in scope 😭 lmfao

[vampyc-spam]

nsfw (hornyposting)

do i go upstairs and get off , or do i stay downstairs and listen to my podcast and play slime rancher two … brb im gonna go flip a coin

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first thing .

having two asexual partners is chill asf but at the same time i don't want to put effort into finding ppl to sext and they'd be so convenientt . sigh .

[vampyc-spam]

suggestive , problematic kink ment , complaining

i'm so sick of how anti-kink almost everywhere online is . like , why does a random blog with literally NOTHING to do with kink / nsfw feel the need to put a dni for people with random ass kinks that they've decided ( arbitrarily ) are immoral and / or disgusting . saying nsfw dni ? yeah , sure , reasonable boundary . beyond that , saying ' ppl who post abt [ kink ] dni ' ? yeah , also fine . but to have a dni for something people do completely separate for any interaction they may have with you , which does not affect you or your community in any way ... mind-blowing .

this is mostly abt -cest kinks btw i think they're hot :3 and i think ppl should be able to think that regardless of trauma bc like … first things first , why is other people's trauma your business . sit down . relax . but traumatized ppl into -cest kinks ( like me uwu ) are extra hot !!

sighh this post was meant to be me going " man i sure am horny . being railed could fix me " but instead i needed to complain apparently <3

[vampyc-spam]

complaining ++ trying to explain how we work lol . sort of went off on a tangent

we are in desperate need of a host/outernaut jfc . it's just so hard to make one that feels Right™ , everyone mischa has made to fill the role has actually been meant for smth else 😭

atp i think it's destabilizing the way the did system functions , bc for like a year we didn't have an endogen collective existing alongside our did system whereas we had consistently before ( even tho we didn't rly know it at the time ) and in that timespan the host hasn't left front . which is extremely unusual for us . and is why said host determined " okay i think we had this going on , and stopping made our brain feel funny , so im going to create smth similar " .

also !! second thing !! identity is so confusing when you're one system but sometimes two systems and they're entirely different but also occasionally intermingle . like . what the fuck .

so , we think our brain is compatible with plurality because we formed did at a young age ( yk . trauma and whatnot ) . this is obv not every plural's reason , but it's ours . so we had that did system , and at some point we also started gaining spontaneous headmates . these are different for us ; for example , spontaneous / created headmates can be destroyed ( which is what happened a year ago , i think unintentionally ) , whereas trauma parts can only fuse / split . the did system also ( almost ) never has access to the innerworld .

we sort of think of it as like … having a mostly frontstuck core , ig ? but that core is an entire did system . like a sidesystem or later , but more separate . communication is also a lot harder for the did system , but they do have significantly more access to traumatic memories ( outside of the host ) , and bc of that our goal is to make it to where they aren't mostly " frontstuck " ( ie. , at least one member always fronting ) and instead only front when we're working through trauma .

ideally , it'd be nice to fuse them into just a few parts , that way the whole thing can run smoother and isn't muddled by having two entirely separate large systems and is more " this specific layer is traumagenic , and the rest of us are spontaneous / created " . atp they probably wouldn't be disordered ( bc this is a far - out recovery goal ) , so they'd likely be able to integrate into the collective better … ? idk , im not a psych :)

[vampyc-spam]

obsessive thoughts , suggestive , yearnposting

usually we're collectively autoromantic ++ recipromantic , so usually yearning is for established partners , ourself as a collective , and each other .

lately that hasn't been the case … ?

being a horndog is pretty standard , but we've also been like . having romantic and vaguely obsessive thoughts about people . not even just people we talk to , it's mostly random people we follow tbh .

i think it has smth to do with how socially isolated we've been ++ our extreme struggles with talking to new people , but idk