vanillasleep - Tumblr blog

[vanillasleep]

i'm a destroyer

my callous palms and fingertips

gracelessly guiding me this way and that

my overabundant overreactions 

dotting all my i's and crossing out my t's

im strong willed, this way

always wrong and never right

two left feet finding every pot hole

and falling

skinned knees and bruised elbows

i hate that i look back

see every dead end hit face first

flattening any bit of confidence i

could have gained

always fight or flight

or just fight fight fight

but 

i am a destroyer

digging myself out of dirt

out of ashes

out of tree trunks and debris and dust

always making it

and i think i've finally made it far enough

to not fall back so hard

[vanillasleep]

But if you let me

Hold the hurt that hurts inside

I’ll wrap my small fingers around it

And squeeze until there is nothing left to squeeze anymore

Because we’re growing old and growing up fine and

Taking it day by day and

It’s just you and me and

Me and you and us together

Us together

Feels nice

[vanillasleep]

I don’t mean a fucking thing to anyone anymore

[vanillasleep]

Wish I’d die in my sleep

[vanillasleep]

I like to tell myself your silence is because you want me somehow

But in reality I know it’s because you knew I wanted you and didn’t want to deal with that.

I’m ready to leave I just don’t know where I’m going to go.

[vanillasleep]

I don’t want anyone to save me

I just wouldn’t mind someone holding my hand while

I save myself

((Comfort would be nice. So would being touched softly)).

[vanillasleep]

This morning I

Woke up and

He said “so are you going to cook breakfast?”

I roll out of bed having just

Woken up from another nightmare

Because I have nightmares every night

Make breakfast

Serve him first, make him double what I make myself

My day revolves around keep him happy

Keeping him at peace because

If he’s not happy he gets mean and

If he gets mean I get upset

I clean the things he refuses to clean

Go out with a friend

He says some fucked up comment about how

The girl I went with just wants to fuck me

I come home to nap because he said to be well rested so

We could stay up and watch something together

Wake up and have to leave

But I was all groggy and left on the tv

Pick him up

He stops to get himself tea

“Sorry I only had enough for one.”

Get home he criticizes me for the tv

Says I don’t pay attention

Sits down and watches his phone while

I cook a dinner for him that I won’t even eat

Serve him his plate and he goes back for seconds and

Then says he’s just going to play games with the friend he

Worked the last 12 hours with

So here I am sitting down on my bed alone

Sad

Because I feel so alone

Feel so lonely

In the home I share with someone else

Who makes me feel worthless no matter what I do

[vanillasleep]

Modulated indifference

Like a passionate cacophony of

Sympathetic devotion

I’ll dot the I’s and

Cross the t’s until

My fingers can’t do finger things

Anymore.

[vanillasleep]

petals picked apartone by onenot in a "he loves me, he loves me not," waybut in a "you took this and you took that," kind of way standing here like a flower who lost all their petalsin a field of flowers of beautiful colors i'm a goddamn stem.why on earth would you want a goddamn stem?

[vanillasleep]

we and us and1+1 today i fell asleepnext to a warm body strong hands and strong arms draped across my shape small but safe isurrendered to a short slumber this is joy and love and more than i could have ever asked for static slips and flickers and ignites i felt you in my sleep and felt you in my dreams and felt you in every way i could ever feel

[vanillasleep]

i make stars with my eyes

tiny universes and fingertip kisses i couldn't help but notice that

my heart is pounding like

the wilderness and you

are like the goddamn wind

on my face

on hill

in the night

over city lights

i fell just like how i fall over my two feet

i smiled because things feel right

[vanillasleep]

once i met this woman

drunk and dressed in lingerie anda kimono

she sat on a patio

telling stories of her husband whom she hated

and told all the intimate backstories about

her husbands famous songs

she hated him

she loved him

she hated him and after she left, she made her way to the street

where she wailed around on the asphalt

rolling around and screaming

her animalistic screechings carrying

 across the crowded streets of austin

[vanillasleep]

sugarcube teeth grazing

little pieces of the past

from my skin into the

ethos

((with fingerprints like that you may never get away))

[vanillasleep]

Distant touches like

Paper thin lanterns

And my eyes

They got lost in you

[vanillasleep]

[vanillasleep]

I let you feel my bones

Let you slide up my sides while my head fell back against your chest

You breathed me in and I exhaled my pieces

Its okay that I won’t feel you again but

It did feel like magic

This is for that day that your legs fit around me while the water pressed against our skin

That was something

[vanillasleep]

Tonight

You gripped my spine

Each hand making its way up until

Every knot had been rung out

I should have known you’d be my healer