vanthecar-blog

[vanthecar-blog]

6/5/16

Today should’ve been a happy anniversary day,but it isn’t because we’re not together anymore; months ago I was waiting for this day. I haven’t been able to sleep and I have tried to sleep with the help of sleeping pills, because that is the only thing that is working for me right now. It just feels really lonely at night especially when I was so used to having him on Skype every single night. It’s in these lonely nights that I think about him and the girl. I don’t want to update much but we did have a huge conversation about everything and it was very emotional and all and it was nice because I knew it would be the last time that we would be able to talk that much and I cherished every single text I got back knowing it was these long paragraphs that i would miss so much and never see again. Not hopeful about staying good friends with him in the future because by the time school comes around, I am pretty sure that he will be with her and I don’t think she would want me around and he would respect that and try not to talk to me to keep her happy. I miss him so much already and I’m still extremely sad. It’s in these late nights that I feel very lonely again and it really sucks. I can’t ever sleep and my heart keeps beating so irregularly,just way too quick and it scares me because of all the thoughts that go through my head now. I think about the girl and him and I think about them holding hands. I think about them hugging or kissing. I think about them going on trips and I think about them laughing with each other and making new jokes and the thought of that makes me really sick to my stomach and it makes me really nervous not because it’s gross or anything but just because I’m not ready to let him go. I wonder how much prettier she is than me and how much of a better personality she has than me to have driven him to break up with me. I’m not selfish and I love and I care for him so so much and I want him to be happy so I hope she can give him all of things that I never could, but I will regret for the rest of my life the things that I never did for him so that we could’ve had a better relationship. These thoughts just make me so nervous and comparing myself to her isn't making me feel any better because in my mind I already see her as thousand times better than me even though I have no clue about who she is or what she looks like or any little detail about her. Love is such a beautiful thing when two people can share it with one another, but the minute that it turns one sided, it'll be so cruel until it rips your heart into a billion pieces. 😞

[vanthecar-blog]

6/3/2016

It had been 4 hours since I last heard from him. It was strange because he always had quick replies. 4 turned into 5 then 6 hours and dragged on until it was 5 am in the morning. The night had creeped up on me and I finally passed out until almost 8. When I woke up, I decided to call him because at this point I was incredibly worried that something had happened. I was already expecting to go straight to his voicemail box at this point. Of course no answer. Shortly after, to my surprise I got a text message from him. He was ok, and for that I could finally be at ease. I felt full of relief and happiness; he would call me when he was done with class it followed with. Fast forward to two hours laters, he says he’ll call me now. I was so curious and looking forward to this because for the whole night, I had no idea where he had been, or what he had been doing, and why I never got a text back. He was the type of guy who made me feel loved, cared and secure, and most importantly, one who would always tell me where he was, not because I cared what he did, but because I worry about everyone around me and if they’re safe. Never had I ever felt like this with anyone, not even family. This phone call and its contents would rip my heart out and shatter it to an infinite amount of pieces, because to me it felt like it was from a stranger, not the guy who I had been with for the past 3 years of my life. I pick up and instantly I felt that something was wrong. I can’t quite remember everything that was exchanged other than the fact that he wanted to break up. So many other couples fight and argue until they no longer can stand being around each other. This wasn’t the case, at least to me it wasn’t. No huge fights or arguments or anything had occurred beforehand that led up to those words he muttered to me. I was in complete shock. I was hysterical and all of a sudden I felt so uncomfortable. Had I given my whole heart, soul and body away to a reckless stranger who had no good intentions with me? Did I love someone who didn’t love me? Had I cared for and worried so much for someone who had none of the same intentions for me. There was a billion things going through my mind. What is wrong with me? Is there another girl? How did someone who seemed to have loved and cared for me so much all of a sudden just drop the past three years of our lives like this? No fighting for me, no proposed of anything to make our relationship work? Have I been cheated on once again? Before I met him, I had so many trust issues with the many failed relationships and submitting to those around me to make them happier. I would let others step on me and manipulate me just so I wouldn’t displease them. I was that type of girl and I one day yearned for someone who would love and care for me, something I thought I had found in him. He kept saying sorry. I asked him who made him want to do this. In the end all he could give me was that yes he had met someone else and those words instantly broke me. We were that type of couple who everyone thought was going to get married. We talked about what we would name our kids and our life together one day. I wore his promise ring everyday that I now have a permanent tan line there. I had so much hope for my future but now, what do I do? He’s was part of my routine since high school and no matter how hard I try, it’s going to be hell to make sense of my life without sleeping at night with him on Skype and receiving morning texts from him every day. All I knew was that he didn’t want to commit himself to me anymore and that he didn’t want to regret marrying me and then wondering what could’ve been with somebody else out there. I would be lying if I told someone I was ok. Truth is I wanted to hurt myself so bad so that I would never have to live again. Some may say I’m too young, I have a whole life ahead of me, but I think that I’ve met enough friends and boys that have played around with my young and naive heart who have already shattered it to An infinite amount of pieces and stepped all over the broken parts. I’m still in shock that these events have transpired. Here I was thinking I had the perfect boyfriend, and in a matter of a day, he manages to get ridiculously drunk with a girl friend I had no idea existed, did he just lose all respect for me all of a sudden? Had I been with someone who had so much hatred for me to carry him to the point of wanting to hurt me so bad? Whatever occurred between them that night, I still have no answers to, but I believe it holds the reason to behind our break up. Although I am in disbelief, I have accepted that he no longer cares for or loves me. I’m forced to accept my fate because why try to force myself on someone who doesn’t care or love me no longer. I would just be a burden. My goal is to pick up my pieces and move on but I still feel cheated out of answers. Why couldn’t he even give me a reason and closure so that I could move on with my life and find happiness elsewhere? Doesn’t he owe me at least some answers? Did the last 3 years mean absolutely nothing to him at all? The last person I ever though would hurt me was in the act of doing so. I was blindsided. That was all yesterday. Today I woke up feeling ok. But as I got up, the tears started again until my whole face was flooded again with them. All of a sudden I feel so alone and betrayed. Why me? Was this John happening all over again? I had been cheated on once before and it ruined me, and I wasn’t ready for it to happen all over again, except this time it would be a billion times worst. I’m so numb and upset that nothing appeals to me. I forgot to even eat anything yesterday except sipping a little water. The first time I had tasted anything after a whole day was the toothpaste I had used to brush my teeth before bed. Im not one to get headaches and I already know my heart beat rates aren’t regular as others so I wonder when the headaches will be gone and my heart will beat at a regular rate again. I’m wondering what this day holds for me. I’m wondering if I’ll ever see his family again, if I’ll ever see or hear from him again. I wonder when I’ll ever get over this. I wonder what had led to this, if he really did cheat on me. I wonder when I won’t cry anymore. I wonder if I’ll ever allow myself to fall in love again because it hurts so much once it’s all snatched away from you. First loves are always the hardest now aren’t they. I wonder if he still even cares about me or if he’ll even miss me one day. I wish I was going into this new chapter of my life full of hope, but the truth is that the coldness in his voice only leads me to conclude that no, I don’t have much faith or hope in him, the same one that I had in the loving boyfriend I used to know. I wonder if his new girlfriend would even let me stay friends with him, because these past years were the only time I had ever felt true happiness with myself. Whatever time should unveil, I hope that he can come to me one day and let me know the truth in its entirety, because for me to fully move on, I need to know. I can’t spend my whole life wondering the many why’s because all I can conclude now is that I wasn’t good enough for him. Maybe if I had just held my tongue in a little argument. Maybe if I head just a little skinner with a better figure. Maybe I didn’t care enough for him and showed him. Maybe I wasn’t pretty enough or maybe my personality was just so terrible that he had started to harbor some hatred towards me. I will never forgive myself if it was me that drove him to this. I am so sorry if I failed him, and hope that the next girl can a billion times better than me. Whatever happens, I will always love and care for him, even if those feelings are only one sided. I hope that he finds immense happiness in the next girl and that she is better than I ever was, and I am sorry that I couldn’t be the girl he had always hoped for and dreamed for. It’s time to wake up from that fantasy of a dream that I once lived in. For all the times that I ever wronged him, I am sorry. Maybe this was all my fault and all the unbearable and immense hurt I feel now is a consequence and punishment from God that I so whole ly deserve. It’s time to disconnect myself from the world though so I’ll write here as much as I can. I think it’s a good idea to express my feelings when I feel so alone and hurt. I can’t stop crying just looking at the iPad that once met something so happy to me, it meant those much enjoyable Skype conversations I would have every night with him. I have deleted my Skype because it was only ever for him. I have deleted my Facebook, because that’s where I would be scrolling through videos all the times he wanted me off my phone. I have deleted my Instagram, a reminder of him because almost all my pictures had him. I kept my snapchat but promised to not look at his stories until I heal. I’ve decided to take myself offline in hopes that I’m not a terrible girlfriend who was always on her phone for the next guy. Here’s to another chapter of my life, though the journey may be scary, long, and full of hurt I hope that at the end of it, I’ll find my self worth and maybe even find love one day, that I had once felt. If you love someone then let them be happy, even if that happiness doesn’t include you. I have accepted that and will not bother him until he is ready to bring me back into his life. I hope that it won’t take him months, but at this point I have no hope or faith in him and it is my belief that he wants to erase me from his life. Why bother someone who doesn’t care for me or my feelings no longer. I was looking forward to our three years this Sunday but now I feel so much sadness and unbearable pain, and I don’t know what to do😓