veeana

[veeana]

i’ll have to remember you for longer than i knew you, and i don’t think i’ll ever come to terms with that.

[veeana]

Paraphrasing on grief:

When someone we love dies, they don't die once. They die for us each time we think of them.

[veeana]

Book: The Pain of Healing by Samantha Camargo on amazon 💛

[veeana]

[veeana]

Dealing With Grief ~

[veeana]

Book: The Pain of Healing by Samantha Camargo on amazon 💛

[veeana]

I think my problem is that I mourn things even before they arrive to me. Before I even know it exists I expect it to be gone. And that leads into a life without safety, a life without giving in to the present.

[veeana]

I feel like I’ve been on another literal planet since 2018. Coming up on 5 years since my mom died. And my dad died 3 years before her. In his case it was kind of a blessing. He suffered so damned much from chronic illness for years. He was 94 pounds when he passed.

My mom was doing great though; her passing was not expected and it hurt more than anything I’ve ever been through in this life. We’d chatted on the phone the night before she died. She’d fully recovered from her stroke that she had earlier that same year. She was driving and living independently once again. And she was planning on coming over for my son’s birthday on New Year’s Eve. She died in her sleep 2 days after Christmas.

I have felt empty and lost for so long, but I think I am finally finding my way back to myself. I shut down and shut a lot of people out for a long time while I was grieving. I am sorry for that; but I guess I just did not know how to cope with a huge and sudden loss like that.

I don’t know if I agree with that adage “whatever kills you makes you stronger.” I do feel stronger in some ways. And not quite so strong in others. But I felt like a stranger to myself for a very long time. Like I didn’t know how to feel or even what to feel. Almost like I was outside of my body. Watching myself just laying in bed for days. Laying on the couch and crying. Or not crying. Eventually I guess I ran out of tears.

Grief is a weird thing. It has no expiration date. It comes in waves. It can surprise you without warning, years later. But most of all, it has really made me look at myself, and life, differently than I did before.

[veeana]

[veeana]

Book: The Pain of Healing by Samantha Camargo on amazon 💛

[veeana]

tie the anchor to our feet and say goodbye

This is a story about living and dying, but mostly living while dying.  A story about life never stopping, not even a brief pause, for anything at all.  A story about grief that doesn’t change anything and also changes everything at once.  A story about grieving yourself, grieving a life you would have lived, grieving for a piece of you that never existed.  Grieving for a piece of yourself you never wanted to begin with.  A story about how, because life keeps moving no matter what you do, sometimes things happen at the least convenient times and sometimes, ten things are happening, all at once.

Remus knows this story well, this is far from the first time he’s lived through pain mixed with joy and streaked through with grief.  Things never happen one at a time and Remus knows this well.  Which is why Remus really wishes for life to just pause already when he gets off the phone with James’ doctor, who had called him from the hospital wanting to speak one on one to tell him that this was it, there was nothing more to do, the cancer had officially progressed too far, and James was going to die. 

Read the rest on Ao3 here

Thank you to the fest mods of @remuslupinfest for running such a wonderful event this year, without which I would never have pushed myself out of my comfort zone enough to write this piece. I'm proud of myself for writing something so personal, for getting it to exactly 13k words, for fucking finishing this, for some of the lines I wrote. I wrote this for myself and I'm so excited that I get to share it with all of you. Thank you lovely readers, kisses for every one of you.

[veeana]

GRIEF AND LOVE

Wandavision - episode 8 ( written by. Laura Donney ) // All The Hues Of Blue - chapter 13 ( written by. @myfalsedevotion ) // Andrew Garfield on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert // Jamie Anderson // Modern Love - season 2 episode 1 ( written by. John Carney ) // Francesca Cox

[veeana]

this grief that sits in my heart and mind will be 10 years old this coming may 2024 but it still feels like it was born yesterday. moving on? no. it doesn't get better. it just becomes bearable, even for just a little bit. it never goes away. it will never go away. i've gotten used to it that it scares me more to forget about it. i am no longer the same person before it happened. i will carry this baggage for the rest of this lifetime. it will grow old, die, and be buried with me. and who knows, this love with nowhere else to go might even follow me in the afterlife, or in my next life.

Second Year Grief

You don’t expect it.

Everyone prepares you for all the “firsts.” Your first birthday without them. Their first birthday that they ought to still be here for. The first holiday season. So many “firsts” that you are as prepared as possible for.

It still hurts. And it’s still painful.

But then comes the second year grief. They’ve been gone for a while. Your life has grown bigger around the flood of tears they left behind. And now?

Now, you no longer have the initial shock that acts as a cushion to shield you. All you have left is the grief itself, the emptiness. The aching tiredness. All the love stored up in your heart that has nowhere to go. All you have in that second year is just the pain.

And you feel badly talking about it. Because you’re far enough removed from the loss itself that sometimes people look at you funny, sometimes the most insensitive ones will say, “Haven’t you moved on?”

And instead of crying out, “No, no, I have not and I cannot! I will never move on!” you simply force yourself to smile, and either leave or change the subject.

Because how do you move on from such a loss? How do you “get over” the death of someone who was so very, very important to you?

I’ll give you a hint: you don’t. You never get over it and you never move on. But life does. And that’s okay.

But man. That second year grief. Nothing has made me feel like more of an annoyance or a burden than my second year grief.

[veeana]

Book: The Pain of Healing by Samantha Camargo on amazon 💛

[veeana]

Grief is a lifeboat I am safe but all alone lost in the ocean, seeking shore. I am hungry, weak running out of sustenance soon. I am thirsty, my throat is dry I cannot drink the salt water. Clustered in a computer lab, we started our lecture on Grief & Loss. My grief is a row behind, 2 seats to the left if he was a knight he could advance, attack. He has armor, sure, not of shining steel, just the façade he hides behind. Grief is a storm rolling in overhead. I can't always feel the rain pouring but I know it's coming. It's not always dark and cloudy but storm clouds linger. It's the numbness but threat of agony. He knows no code of chivalry but still lingers back to open doors for me trying to keep my pace down the hall, the stairs. Today was the first time he spoke to me since I drove off in a storm, sobbing, hoping my windshield wipers would work. I'd rather leave and sit on the side of the road than let him keep me another night, telling me it's not safe to drive. Grief is an open wound I clean and bandage it, try to keep the dressing dry I thought it was healing but it's bleeding, oozing. Rip off the bandaid it'll only hurt for a second clean and dress the wound. Don't let infection set in.

My grief, your loss // Grazia Curcuru

[veeana]

over the last 11 years i’ve come to almost numb myself when telling people my dad is dead. people don’t know what to say. they get uncomfortable. i feel bad that me sharing this fact about my life makes them uncomfortable. i almost forget that it’s sad information because i try to move past the interaction as quickly as possible. and besides, i can’t get Sad every time i have to share this fact with someone. but today my coworker made me feel so seen. her genuine reaction to my loss made me remember that others can, in fact, see my grief. i am grateful for it. and i am grateful to others who trust me to hold their grief. i cherish your sharing.

[veeana]