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Warning, this is going to be a long post. It’s going to be about a struggle I’ve always encountered with my body and my weight. So, now you know what it’s about, you can make a decision as to whether you want to spend time reading it.

I’m 6 months pregnant. I’m sharing a picture of me with a 24-week pregnancy belly. My husband has been receiving pictures like this for about a month, but I have been asked about my belly by others for quite some time and I just say it’s bigger than I’d like it to be at this point. I’m finally posting because I’m giving in to the pressure of so many requests. But it doesn’t come without real hesitation because I’ve had issues with my body and its shape and size for as long as I can remember.

Maybe it’s because I’ve heard comments about my size and shape from my family since I was a child. There was always talk about how skinny I was as a young kid (think elementary school years). Back then I had a great-aunt who I still remember to this day making a comment about “the hole” there was in the middle of my chest. I also became self-conscious of how my rib cage would stick out, which I just found out is called flared rib cage (I still call them my spares-as in my spare boobs), or how my hip bones would stick out, which I called my “guns” as in the guns you’d find on a holster. Then all my family could talk about was how much weight I had gained around the time I went into middle school (my timing may be off), which wasn’t much, but because I was so thin previously, I guess it was something you noticed. And so this type of roller coaster with my body shape and size went on and on as I grew up. Not to mention all the messages I received from society and the media about beauty standards and how I WAS NOT IT. My family would ask you why I  didn’t eat all my food but then also talk about how much weight I gained.

This still happens, by the way. For example, I need to make sure I eat, because I’m creating a baby, BUT DAMN my belly is HUGE! Seriously, these are real comments made by the people who love me unconditionally.

My husband is the only person (well honestly none of the men I’ve ever been in a relationship with have ever made me feel bad about my body, not one. Not one.) who has never sent me a message directly that my body was not OK or acceptable. I say directly, because, let’s face it, he’s a product of the same society that I grew up in. He and I saw the same music videos with the thin women, with big boobs as the sex symbols that all the guys want. I’ve seen his Facebook and Instagram feed, I see the kind of women that are featured, there isn’t a ton of body variety. He’s told he has to be muscular to be the definition of male beauty, so he gets his share of distorted messages. And like I told him the other day “as if your life would be so much harder, if my body was more toned or less fat”. Like, who are we kidding? We grew up in the same world. We got very similar messages about what attractive men and women are supposed to look like. Now, that doesn’t mean we are all looking for this in others, but let’s be honest, the leading men and ladies in most of our TV shows and movies and voted sexiest don’t EVEN remotely resemble someone like me and my body type.

Then I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. One of the results of which is weight gain due to a slow metabolism because my thyroid doesn’t work properly and as such cannot regulate my metabolism the way it should. Also, low energy and lots of fatigue which really hinders the whole “eat healthy and exercise more” mindset, since you are always too tired to cook for yourself or to go work out. But whatever, that’s a whole other post about having a thyroid condition.

I’m not sure anyone truly understands the constant struggle I face when it comes to my weight and body image. Well, actually, I know others can relate. What I mean is that I don’t really talk about it to others so they probably have no clue how I feel.  My husband comes close. He’s seen me at my absolute worst with this. He’s seen me cry and lose my shit because I was so tired of the weight gain, the mixed messages about my body and what I eat, the lack of education I truly have regarding nutrition at all and feeling like I have no control and have to choose between being happy and being thin which is so fucking complicated I can’t even begin to describe.  But here’s a try. In January 2017, I decided to give weight loss ANOTHER try. I started working with someone who would describe himself as a nutritional coach. Really he was telling me what I needed to eat in order to lose weight and because of my thyroid, I lost weight MUCH slower than many who don’t have this challenge. For example, most people lost twice the amount of weight in the same time as I did. I also had to eat A LOT less than most people on his program. I know this because he shared this with me. So It’s not my imagination or assumption. But, I stuck to it, for about a year. And I lost 30-40 pounds. My lowest weight was 117 pounds right before my wedding. This program required that I weigh myself every day, eat 5 meals a day, 2.5 servings of protein spread out over the day, 2 servings of starches (or carbs) only in the morning, 2 servings of dairy also just in the mornings, 3 servings each of fruit and veggies, 2 servings of fat, low sugar, low sodium, and as much water as possible (on most days I had about 90-100 ounces).  Oh and I had to send him a picture of what I ate every time I was about to eat which was every 2.5-3 hours. I made all my own foods every day. It became everything I thought about all the time.  But I lost the weight. It’s a lifestyle change, not a diet. These are healthy habits, not a diet. But the problem is, I was miserable all the time. I was obsessed with not gaining weight. I was SCARED to gain the weight back because I knew I was going to get bored. See, I was eating so little, and I had such a limited menu because of my lack of exposure to food that I got sick of the same shit, every day. Cut to the honeymoon and I weigh 125 pounds upon my return. Because I tried to enjoy myself, I gained almost 10 pounds in 10 days. I was never able to get back to 120 or less. And at one point, I was told “Rosemary is not 128 pounds, that’s not the new Rosemary”.  That kind of hit me. But, what if I am…why would that be so bad?

Let’s get back to this baby belly picture, one of the struggles I experienced was not knowing when I was “showing” because when I found out I was pregnant, I was weighing 135 pounds, which for a 5 foot tall individual, that’s being overweight, and well, that’s I guess accurate, because my stomach wasn’t flat and so I already had a few layers of fat on my belly before a baby belly would start showing. So here we go, the first thing I have to think about with my changing body---I won’t really know when I’m showing because I’m already flabby to begin with. Next, look up recommendations for weight gain. Well because I started out overweight, the recommendation is basically 15 pounds. FIFTEEN POUNDS?!? For the whole pregnancy?!? 10 MONTHS?!? The other recommendation is 25 pounds for someone who doesn’t start out overweight. Listen, I’m already stressed out at being 135, now I have to try and remain no heavier than 150pounds, and if I want to give myself a break then no heavier than 160 pounds! Cue the waterworks, the anxiety, the self-hatred, the panic, the fear. What do I do if I can’t control it? What do I do? What if my eating habits hurt my developing baby? UGH! And to make things worse, let’s add the holidays into the mix. I stop weighing myself because honestly, I just can’t stand to see the numbers anymore. Every time the weight goes up, I think, “Is it the pregnancy or is it that I’m just getting fatter”. I keep researching experiences by other women and I see how some complain about losing weight when they got pregnant or how others gained 60-70 pounds. Honestly, the thought of gaining 60-70 pounds makes me want to disappear. I can’t even. I don’t know what I’d do with myself. The thought makes me cry right now as I type it.

Let’s take a step back, about 6 months ago, I started to look for other ways to relate to food and my body. You know there is this whole movement about mindful and intuitive eating. In short, anything mindful and intuitive is attractive to me. Here’s what I’ve gathered so far about this movement: If we can get back in touch with ourselves and our natural hunger cues, we can determine what we need and when we need it. If I’m hungry, I should eat, but I should be tracking when I get full so that I don’t overeat. When I’m full, I stop until I’m hungry again and then I eat again. All the while making the best choices I can make and honoring what my body is needing. The idea is that your body will let you know, but the challenge is that because of the many years of terrible learning about food, we will have trouble figuring out what our body is really needing and how to nourish it correctly. Now, this is what I’ve gathered, I’m not an expert in this area. I do have a friend who might read this and is an expert and can give you more info if you’d like it. I don’t want to mis-represent anything. Anyway, I reach out to this friend at one point, and when she told me that she doesn’t focus on weight gain or weight loss, I retreated. I wanted to lose weight. And the idea that if I listened to my body and eat what’s right for it, then my weight would shift according to where it’s supposed to be, this is called set point theory, terrified me. Set point is the weight range in which your body is programmed to function optimally. Set point theory holds that one’s body will fight to maintain that weight range. Oh my god what if my set point is 150 pounds?! I can’t even fathom that. That’s not who I want to be. That’s where my thoughts automatically go. So I backed away from the idea of mindful and intuitive eating. Let’s complicate this further by mentioning that I grew up with a mom who was and is overweight, I guess for her weight it’s considered obesity. I can’t imagine what my being afraid to gain so much weight, must say to her. Although, she is one of the people who talks about my weight, too. Nobody is safe, I guess.

Honestly the first person to ever even mention something close to this was my husband, back when I was doing AIP and losing my mind. He said “but what if this is the weight you’re supposed to be” and that shit just bothered me to my core. The idea that I had to accept that who I was, was someone who was always going to be over 120 pounds even though, for my height, I should be between 100-120 pounds.

Flash forward again, over the course of the last 6 months, I’ve gone back and forth between I have to lose weight, I can’t gain too much weight, I’m ok at whatever weight I am, I’ll be OK no matter what, my weight doesn’t define me, I just can’t gain so much weight, and so on and so forth. I can honestly say that EVERY day my thoughts go through a variety of those ideas.

Thanks to the stupid idea of the new year and how we all want to lose weight, I’ve had 3 websites open over the last week which are about meal plans. I’ve decided to try another approach. What if I learned to eat nutritional options (expanded my experience with foods) so that I can make better decisions when I do get hungry? This is a real challenge when you grow up considering potato, lettuce and tomato to be the only options for vegetables. When every meal includes tons of rice or other starchy options such as bread and over the years those items have become known as a problem. So, I’ve decided to curate my Instagram: No accounts that focus on weight loss. No accounts that only show thin women as the standard (let me be clear, I said ONLY, because thin women are not a problem at all!). More body positive accounts. As a side note, I’ve noticed a real lack of diversity in accounts that focus on nutritional eating vs. weight loss as well. Where are my people of color?!? Again, a post for another day.

I’ve decided that I owe myself and the alien growing inside me the opportunity to eat more nutritionally, expand my variety, and TRY not to worry about what my weight and my body actually look like. Instead, I want to feed it the things it needs to work optimally. And not punish myself when I stray from that. That I want to finally accept myself no matter how I look. But, when you’re someone who is thin and that’s your set point, it’s a completely different reality from being someone who takes up more space in a world that punishes and judges taking up more space. It’s a different experience to love yourself when you fall into the weight range the doctors say you’re supposed to fall into and not just an idea of what you want to look like. I’m not saying it’s easier when you’re thin, I’m saying I just want it to be easier period. For any size.

The thing is, after 3 pages of writing, I want you to realize that, when I share a picture like this one, it’s not something that happens thoughtlessly. It’s something that I battle with (and probably others do as well) and that requires all of this thinking and feeling! Sometimes it’s just easier not to post it. You know? But, that’s not in line with my new body positive value that I’m working on developing.

Also, please don’t think that I need any feedback at all from any of you! I’m not looking for compliments. This isn’t a pity party. I don’t need anyone to make me feel better. I can do that on my own. Just ask my husband who is constantly TRYING to make me feel better and knows I do a better job than anyone at that task, although I love him so much for trying anyway. If you want to comment, go ahead, but don’t do it because you think that’s what this post is about. This post is more about challenging myself, being vulnerable, and sharing my experience, because you never know who can relate or who might need it.

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My Clients help me reflect...

Today as I was preparing to write to my clients, I’m flipping through pictures because I promised my client a selfie of my quick trip to the mountains this past weekend and when I send it to her, she responds quickly with the words, “Y’all are so cute. This made me smile as big as you all”. The selfie I chose was a picture of myself, my husband, and our dog in front of a waterfall where our dog is doing the usual, licking/biting my husband’s ear, so we are stupidly laughing in the picture because we can’t just have a nice picture with our pup. 

But then I realized that this was the perfect picture for us. These are the “golden nuggets” my husband refers to when we are just able to be ourselves. The things we treasure the most. And then I thought about (reflected) on my life now and how we got to where we are today. 

It’s been a struggle. No I’ve never been broke or had a crippling disease or condition (besides my hashimoto), but even in the pretty good life I have had, I’ve also struggled a lot with my own emotion and my own thoughts. I’ve had to live with being rejected by family members on his end, felt like I’m not a part of the family, not welcome, not good enough, a home wrecker, and I’ve felt like I’ve had to prove myself to others when I know who I am and who I am not. I’ve been exhausted by this never ending journey to be good enough in my life and my love life is no different. 

I keep having to remind myself that I’m good enough just the way I am and that NOBODY knows me the way I know myself. My husband is the person who comes CLOSEST to knowing me fully and completely. He knows how I will have really low days when I break into crying for no reason. He knows about my struggle with my body image (every. damn. day.) He knows how I doubt myself as a therapist and behavior analyst, and even professor. But he also knows about the victories I experience that vindicate me and my ability to perform as a professional in each of those roles. 

But here’s the thing, for those of you out there who have ever wondered: I’m a performer. You will rarely know that there is something wrong. For my entire life, I have been excellent at turning it on when I need to get work done or interact with people. BUT I don’t really have the energy the way it looks and so when I’m not performing (hanging out or talking to people or working), I really need to be alone. 

So that’s why I hardly ever call anyone on the phone. It’s not that I don’t want to talk to you, it’s that I don’t have the energy and I need to conserve it for my performances. 

It’s why I hide in the house during the day and answer the phone gumpily when my husband calls me. He is so special that he gets the best and worst of me. :) 

It’s why sometimes, I won’t answer a text right away, because I hate small talk and prefer giving a thoughtful response. 

Also, to anyone out there who wants to judge me for any reason, I’m a good person who doesn’t need approval from others, which is why I’ll be respectful, but I’m not going to bend over backwards for you to like me. At the end of the day, I’m a pretty great person to have in your life, if you want to put in the effort to get to know me, but I don’t need a lot of attention and sometimes I forget that others do need it. And I have said more than once, if you need someone in your life who is going to give you a lot of attention all the time, then I’m probably not the friend you want to have, BUT if you want someone who will truly care about the things you say, I’m that person. I will stop whatever I’m doing and give you my undivided attention and make space for you. Ask anyone. 

And so, to come full circle, sharing a selfie with my client made me realize, while it may look like I’m doing great, you have no clue what is actually going on with me and I have struggled and continue to struggle with every day challenges (specifically challenging people). But, given all the twists and turns my life has taken (and my husband’s life has taken), I’m grateful for where I am today and I know that this was ultimately the way it was supposed to turn out. And I guess whatever it ends up turning into, will also be whatever it is going to turn into...This is life. 

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amir khusrow (1253–1325 CE)

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So guess what?!?

I just re-discovered my tumblr account. And I was looking over old posts. And I like what I see. I like who I am. I like who I was. I’m going to do this more now. :D Also I re-discovered songs I had completely forgotten! Thank you tumblr!!!

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Meh

It’s really frustrating to be this unhappy and feel like you can’t do anything about it. Why am I doing this to myself? Am I really the one causing it? Can I do anything about it? I think I deserve better. The worst part is being alone in this. I don’t have anyone I can talk about it without being judged. In fact, some people are going to judge me just based on this post. But I just don’t give a fuck today.

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So many thoughts

These last few days my thoughts are taking my sanity. They take away my trust, my happiness, my strength.

As a therapist, I get it. I know why and I know how and I know what I would tell my clients. I'm writing because even though I know all of those things. I still can't stand that sometimes life is such a pain in the ass.

I long for simplicity in a way you could not imagine. Yet it conflicts with the lifestyle I lead and the goals I have for myself.

Just a few examples:

I want to take off somewhere to live off the land and not follow a clock, but I also like to make money so that I can explore the world. They may not be mutually exclusive, but I value success defined by accomplishments of the educational and vocational kind. 

I want a family, complete with the husband and the children, but I date people incompatible with that, and call it independence.

I want to live in a world where little white lies are not necessary. Not even to spare someone's feelings.

I just want people to be real and not worry about what they might be judged for.

I'm tired of playing the social games we all play. I'm really tired.

But then I think about all of the people who have it worse. I think about my student who is having a hard time because they just lost a loved one. I think about the kids in the group I supervise who were abused and have a parent in an inpatient psychiatric unit.

I know how lucky I am already, I just wish to find myself in a place where I could be free of expectations (for myself and others) and dedicate my life to making the world a better place.

I want to try to find that place sooner than later.

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Christmas doesn't feel magical anymore as an adult

12/25/14 It's becoming more and more clear each day that I don't stand a chance. So many hard decisions to make. Gotta work in creating my happiness from within. It's a daily struggle.

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I don't have problems...

I have things I think about as problems.

But I am blessed. I am blessed with good health, a somewhat stable job, a good handful of friends, a good family, people that I can love and will love me back. I have a roof over my head and clothing to last me a few years if I never bought one more article of clothing. I have the ability to take time off, vacations, attend parties, and relax. I can go to Yoga and learn meditation, I have a bike and running shoes. I have more shoes than I can count actually.

I have great memories.

Everyone once in a while though, my emotions overrun me and I have a negative mind state that I can't shake. I think of all the things I haven't done instead of thinking about my accomplishments. I think about the reasons my boyfriend might be betraying me or how he might be betraying me instead of thinking about how he is faithful to me. I think about how people disappoint me instead of thinking about how people have surpassed my expectations. I think about all the work I have to do in such a short amount of time instead of thinking about all the work I have accomplished. I think about all the things that can go wrong instead of thinking about all the things that can go right.

Sometimes I feel too smart for my own good. Too analytical, too observant. Perhaps I over observe or analyze and get things wrong. Based on my history I start attributing negative cognitions/emotions. And I become needy. I need reassurance and when I don't get it...well THIS is when I can easily start the freak out process.

So today, is one of those days. I woke up a bit sensitive already and started picking up cues that perhaps on another day may not have been perceived. And here I am in full freak out mode: heart racing, goosebumps, light headedness, shortness of breath and the terrible urge to cry.

I start bargaining with myself: Do I say something? Do I do something? Should I do this or that? What is better? At the end of the day it seems like I'll lose either way.

Instead I thought about what I would tell my clients if they were experiencing this. So I left the setting I was in, found a quiet place, and wrote about my feelings (this posting). I had already committed one mistake today, I'm not going to make another one. Here I am writing. Next, I'm going to focus on my breathing until I can manage to get the elephant on my chest to get up and walk as far away from me as possible.

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German Landscapes Through the Lens of a Young Artist with @obimann

For more of Jannik’s bewitching photography from Munich and its countryside, follow @obimann and @jannikobenhoff on Instagram.

On first glance, the landscape photography of Jannik Obenhoff (@obimann) looks like it belongs to a professionally trained artist—not a ninth grader who divides the rest of his after-school time between soccer and guitar. But if you ask the 14-year-old from Munich, Germany, his age is part of what makes his work so special.

“In my opinion, teen photographers share a different perspective of the world,” he says.

Jannik began exploring photography as a hobby for the first time last year, and starting an Instagram account came hand-in-hand with learning the craft. He wanted to find and get feedback from other young photographers who explored similar themes in their art.

“My favorite kinds of photos to take are landscapes: a lake in the mountains with a beautiful reflection and some fog,” he says. “I always say: ‘If you won’t go out and explore, you won’t see how beautiful nature can be.’”

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Ahh too cool!

We finished Col. Murray and I’m soo happy with the outcome! Tim Phelps is an incredible tattoo artist and just a a really great guy. I highly recommend checking out his work: http://timphelps.net/pages2/aor_tim.html                                                  Steve Payne is the original artist of this piece. Me.

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How is this still a thing?

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If only!

Daily dose of love quotes here

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Daily dose of love quotes here

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Brigitte Bardot’s Most Iconic Music and Film Fashion Moments

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Daily dose of love quotes here

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Daily dose of love quotes here

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If you’re struggling, you deserve to make self-care a priority. Whether that means lying in bed all day, eating comfort food, putting off homework, crying, sleeping, rescheduling plans, finding an escape through a good book, watching your favorite tv show, or doing nothing at all — give yourself permission to put your healing first. Quiet the voice telling you to do more and be more, and today, whatever you do, let it be enough. Feel your feelings, breathe, and be gentle with yourself. Acknowledge that you’re doing the best you can to cope and survive. And trust that during this time of struggle, it’s enough.

Daniell Koepke  (via fawun)