velarious - Tumblr blog

[velarious]

i fail at coming about

the heaviness of my being

regardless of all hopes

it remains impossible

to live secluded of aid

and influence

we survived since the birth of earth being this way

so it's just me

aimless outside this cycle

with loved ones it's easier

intentional responsibility

only because one day it will be worth it

or so i hope

otherwise it's just .......

and even more so for the ones who couldn't help but be there

what retribution can be given ?

maybe a prayer or two at best

but you know,

that's the long term effect

for now what ? a sorry smile ?

it sucks

it would be such a relief

to disappear between the cracks

and stich along until you can't see the traces anymore

a higher peace of mind can't be elsewhere

just take me away

remove me

let me be

and let me give

it will never take away anything from me

so long as this love isn't disturbed

it will overflow and take all shapes

just let me

don't give with your hand

more than i can take

just look at me

and let me be

[velarious]

i can't get over anything

why not leave space for upcoming things?

look forward. time is moving and everything is, forward

except your eyes,

glued back

looking for things to find.

to feel something ?

even if it's closer to suffocation maybe

why is the present silent ?

or rather why am i expecting noise in the first place

and even so

for something so recurring it should give some ease;

but it ends up so constricting

i can't wait to escape it

why is the present silent ?

it's the only one i can change

and yet in this wise,

i treat it like what i come back to

all the same stagnance.

as for the future,

it isn't there until it is

seeing nothing ahead

but the step i am standing on

in reality all i do have is the past

muddied and falsified,

garnished for what it wasn't

so it can give the sickly sweet aftertaste

i want to lift the curtain forward,

to form thoughts about tomorrow,

to see some of it in my dreams,

to try to shape it,

to gain affection for it,

for it to keep me up at night,

with ease and warmth

[velarious]

i'm beyond beyond relief

what shifted?

at some point, in place of

understanding the reality i lived in and thinking:

well that's the way it is.

wearing that as a badge of some sort

an asset? of interest at best

but now,

maybe being exposed to the if's

and the beauty of the mundane

the docile happiness

and what i really do miss on daily

that i am so woeful

and viewing things with the eyes of

the possible potential

that i am so distraught with every little thing that brings me back

to whatever reality is current

and it's like everything is happening anew

and i am a kid again

and it's my first time seeing it on a random summer day

[velarious]

the solution isn't always the answer. the solution isn't always the answer !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[velarious]

the hands that holds me;

they give;

but often are too light, tugging at hems at best.

the softest pair

holds tight but squeezes;

often it's suffocating, sometimes it bruises.

they give;

only one palm out, maybe a finger, or a plastic ring.

they give, but;

only mine know where to go,

if they may reach.

they're short and,

they're cold.

they give;

but it's summer,

and i still wear wool socks.

[velarious]

On my study table, staring endlessly ahead and around. The maroon cushion seating, the floral curtains, the pile of yellow papers. I am living in blue memories; a hopeless tune wondering if it reaches. Will a tree make a sound if it falls in a forest with no one around to hear it?

[velarious]

guest

A quiet departure reaching below my collar bones. So near, the cold lets it come even closer, wouldn't you like to stay as I do? It's a long season ahead. As it lurks behind, the air gets heavier and heavier, until there is no more space to consume. It then retreats to a gentle sleep. Until next time.

[velarious]

the moon is always closer during winter and in the corners of the night

the moon is right under my chin tonight

the moon is choking me tonight

the night of the full moon whisks everything away

[velarious]

the thing i want most is impossible to be attained in it's nature. once i have it meaning would cease and hence no longer becomes the thing i want anymore

i think it's partially my fault that i have started wishing for things beyond acquisition as the idea of being a detached almost mystic third person in my life started to appease me a little too much. the kinds of things i will get only by reading a tape of my life written as a tale long after i'm gone or by getting inside someone else's head and reading their thoughts or whatever kind of fantastical scenarios to get this thing i for the life of me just won't provide for myself

[velarious]

Right before the final step into supposed liberation I will have to pass a level that knows no possibilities and all the absolute certainty of failure. Passing it will burn the sweetness from my freedom and leave me hanging in a questionable neither reward nor punishment limbo meanwhile dying before reaching spares the no mercy zone but at the same time, means having suffered just to die? All possibilities are whimsical phantoms that lead to the same thorn filled, narrow path which ends in the very ditch you came from, an ironic loop. cut off from the universe and all for complete naught

[velarious]

this continous separation is tearing my rest apart and I don't know how to mend it

[velarious]

I wonder what's the connection between the stars and all these pieces I have

Would it be the parallel of the difference so vast and out of reach? or maybe the tantalizing effect or how it feels like you're looking over me and how I know I'm looking over for you or be it the silence or the loneliness or all of it together

In how many years would this starry night become a graveyard of faces I once cradled dearly and so quietly?

I'd say silently but quietly tells of the existence and silently indicates the naught. If you would open your heart to it ever so faintly, it would be like the most gentle breeze, the sound of seashells in your ears and the extra step you hear when you stop walking, it would be like a reminder.

[velarious]

every time I come to be this body is more and more unfamiliar and I am scared one day it would be completely different and I wouldn't be able to stand it any more but then what's the fault of the newly moved in resident but then what's my fault too? Whose feelings are these? My space is occupied with an unwelcome visitor and I only notice how much is devoured by it when it's far too late

[velarious]

In a world where even the hot guilty tears of the wrongdoer bring no comfort, from where exactly will the vanquished get their solace?

[velarious]

No matter how complicated it is, I’ll find my way so, I am okay. I want you to know that.

No matter how simple it might be, I’ll find a roundabout way of expressing it so, how are you? I want you to tell me.

[velarious]

If there's a chance no matter how little it will remain like a nagging itch that you can't reach and it will remain persistent and branch it's dying roots in every corner. It will create a room in the labyrinth of memory so hollow that you will hear echo even before a sound can happen and it will persist and persist. That will be the most bothersome thing of all; not the ordeal, not any detail about the situation except for the the finite single possibility that replays in your head like a broken record over and over.

[velarious]

Lately I've been having trouble breathing, and when I lay down on my side I feel my heartbeats constricting, feeling like there's a frayed rope wrapped around my heart preventing it from beating fully.

Recently in biology class, we studied the anatomy of the human heart. I wasn't paying much attention, but one thing that lingered in my head was that the heart was much smaller than I expected. Size of a grip of a fist, my teacher said. It felt ridiculously small and I remember being super baffled by it.

When I lie down on my side, and I feel my heartbeats constricting, I can vividly picture the outline of my heart against my chest as if it's stamping its shape with every beat. Then I can really feel it in it's smallness.

Being the center of everything and being so small, it felt like the rest of my body had no significance and could just wash away with all it's heaviness. knowing that I always was and all of my everything will remain inside the small grip of a fist, I struggle to breathe with a hazy mind.