vengeancect

[vengeancect]

you really have a talent for writing. you could turn this blog into a book as-is. it's incredibly good. thanks for the recent post, I know it's a pain in the ass to write.

if you are who i think you are then you've been sending me anon messages consistently for nearly 6 years at this point and i don't really get why. i can't imagine you have any personal infatuation with me so is it just like looking into a zoo enclosure? maybe examining a test subject or remembering to check your tamagotchi? everyone else lost interest a long time ago and for good reason

[vengeancect]

i spent this year trying to get a job but i never even got an interview, not surprising considering i have no qualifications and "he knows english and technically passed high school!" is only impressive to crackheads and the terminally destitute aka my immediate family. i have some trouble translating job-related terms from english to portuguese in my mind, and i know so little about my surroundings that i can't tell if a job listing is near me or not, i just hope they all are and gamble on it. funny enough the most luck i've ever had was in january 2023, and even then they never messaged me back after the interview. when my aunt showed up a few days ago with pity christmas gifts (food) i wanted to ask her if i could work at her wedding company but couldn't bring myself to do it when i was in front of her. i must look very gross and homeless now. my mom told me she works several towns away anyway so it was pointless.

phantom hands also steered me towards seeing doctors about my "mental health" which has proven to be quite a pain in the ass these past few months. i sat in a room full of doctors (they were probably my age, this particular thing is just going to get worse and worse lol) and tried to speak to them candidly about what my life is like, including all the sordid embarassing internet shit. their little notes for me make me sound like the most miserable creature to ever live: "uses the internet as a release valve to simulate the life he doesn't have" LOL "has had contact with unknown adults on the internet since childhood and sexual chats. despite disliking these chats and feeling ashamed he could not avoid them as he knew the attention he got from them fulfilled an inner need for affection". this was my first visit. i got prescribed prozac and lithium, i take them every single day along with vitamin D and B12 (6 pills a day hooray) to absolutely no effect at all. it's shocking how little an effect it has, other than the lithium making me feel kind of gross for a bit. my second visit had a homeless guy sit next to me in the waiting room going UHUUUHHH every 20 seconds. they upped my prozac dosage, nothing came from that. the doctor this time adopted a sort of special ed class teacher position with me, giving me "homework" to go outside and socialize more, like going to a mental illness support group and taking a job there or maybe volunteering at a church.

none of this is actually new to me. i've tried all sorts of stuff since i've turned 18. exercising, going to the gym, going on walks outside, cheating on my zoom classes, taking in-person CS classes, applying for jobs. all of this either did nothing or was a massive failure. my walks didn't make me any healthier or more motivated, there were no life changing chance encounters. i just sat down at some college and watched all the other people my age talk and laugh while i did online 6th grade level tests (that i still couldn't pass and had to use google on). going to the gym meant i had to keep it up or my dad would ask where the money was going so he could buy drugs. when i quit my mom instructed me to pretend i was still going so i had to sit alone somewhere for 20 minutes before i could go home. the classes were a total waste of time and money as i could no longer google my way out of them and my eyes had become so shit from looking at screens all day that i couldn't say what was written on the board. i couldn't do anything right and consistently got awful test scores. i'm going to see a therapist next year and i'm no psychic but i have a pretty good idea of what's going to happen. i feel like after this year i've reached the upper limit of what i could realistically try to do to fix my life. all i can do is push the same buttons harder for less and less results. i don't know if there's anything else. i'm going to be 26 in a few months

[vengeancect]

i don't really have thoughts anymore. just endless degraded feedback, like scrolling through a timeline forever. there's like a 1% of barely functional half-awake suicidal ideation buried under 99% corrupted unconscious junk data. i spend every day twitching and mumbling like a coma patient while replaying memories of watching videos or streams, little soundbites from movies or games, recycling them in my brain and pretending they're mine and i made them. it's always too loud, sleeping is hard. i try very hard to come up with any original thought or concept and even if i do it's impossible to do anything, gets eaten by the noise. my brain just ping-pongs between "i really wish sex weren't real" and "i wanna blow my brains out" as i drool all over myself and think about playing a video game (not actually doing it of course). there's only so many adjustments and corrections i can make to the same old stupid fantasies. i've eaten myself to the bone. i think about killing my parents a lot, especially my dad. i'm paranoid and jumpy all the time, my heart rate is way too fast, i hate the sound of thunder and rain hitting our roof and our dog barking and my parents old people yelling at each other. i don't have a job or education (though i did try to get them a few times over the last 2 years thank you very much!) and probably won't have one for the rest of my life. i won't be able to take care of my parents when they get old, i might even die before them due to my awful lifestyle

now that i think of it that period in 2019 where i went around actually making an effort to learn suicide methods was probably the most autonomy i've exercised in my entire life. i went outside a lot, learned how to buy things online, how to tie knots, put a lot of "effort" in, but pussied out when the time came to make a plan. oh no i have to fast for a while? but then i'll have to talk to my mom about it, and maybe reject a meal! and now, somehow, over 4 years have gone by. i don't know what to do about that. when i kept shopping for the stuff to kill myself with i was so unfamiliar with everything in the world that i had to keep googling to find out what a hardware store is. i had to check around everywhere i could for rope to buy, what kind of rope fits best. i would walk for miles into another city and then spend the entire time inside the store developing an alternate reality in my mind where i created an obscure japanese horror game from 1998. ordering shit online was mortifying and required weeks of planning just to hide it from my mom. a thing that everyone does every day was like a big autistic quest i had to bravely overcome. a year later i would learn how to turn a stove on and make grilled cheeses and it was like a revelation from god to the point where i'm legitimately nostalgic about it. (MAJOR UPDATE: just like last night i learned how to properly tie my shoes for the first time at age 24)

i had to write myself several unhinged reminders and memos like an amnesiac to remember how to tie a noose and do this or that. i shambled around two shopping malls like a tortured ape trying to find anywhere that sold kitchen scales, asking for the price and then leaving. i gave all these stores like 2 or 3 visits at least because i couldn't handle being unprepared for them. i had to talk to staff so many times, staff that were clearly my age, what an uncomfortable realization that was. i saw some disabled guy sitting at a mall cafeteria getting fed by his mom or aunt or whatever and thought "wow he's literally me…". i had to buy deadly chemicals from the internet and find a box to keep them stored in, then i had to get a padlock and key for it somewhere. then i'd walk to a random fuckin chemical storage facility because surely they'd sell me something right? then i would realize i've had my shirt on backwards for the past 2 hours. that Death Box is still there although very moldy. i want to use it but i know i won't, because i guess i don't have the mental fortitude necessary to commit suicide, and maybe never head 2019 was my 10th year being isolated. my most common thought back then was futility. that's all i could think about every time i walked back home. i am so far behind everything and everyone that even if i started "fixing myself" right now and giving it 100% it would still take another 10 years just to build a hollow resemblance of a normal life. i would "succeed" the same way that disabled guy at the mall succeeds at not choking to death on his food. the ever-present spectre of ngmi was now stronger and clearer than ever. nothing will change because nothing can. i was so desperate to die that i walked around a bunch of grassy fields trying to find a good angle and spot to do it where no one would find me. surrounded by bugs and wild horses. it didn't work. that was 4 years ago now. i can barely remember anything before that year (just to hammer the brainrot home even harder, this post was written over like two weeks while also copying another draft i'd written 4 months ago, then left to rot in my drafts for another month or two)

it's been 15 years since 2009. i guess that's when all of this "started" but it would be wrong to claim my isolation made me like this. this is just what i've always been. i am not a victim of neglect so much as a willing accomplice to it. i remember being 11 and browsing my grandpa's PC, looking up cheat codes or chemtrail videos or ytp's in his dark house and hearing the kids outside, seeing them to go school or back home, talking with their parents, and i'd think "hoo boy i hope this doesn't affect my life too hard!" i remember starting this blog july 2012, 11 years ago. i think i did it to follow some skype acquaintances and post "weird" stuff, trying to cobble a personality out of liking this or that insignificant media thing. everything i've ever done has always been a performance because i'm not capable of being real. trying to align this blog with my real thoughts only made it feel more forced and exponentially more painful because now various random people had access to my fragmented thoughts and could poke me with a stick whenever they wanted to skinner box my shit up. i awkwardly exposed myself to all manner of maladjusted weebs and soylennial irony nerds and blessedly ignorant normies and American art school gays, all of which i'm sure have now been subsumed into the workforce and developed conveniently docile, castrated lifestyles and philosophies as a way of preparing their brain for the horribly-but-sometimes-comfortably mundane rest of their lives. they'll get fat and lame but still act like they're 19, they'll try and fail to not become their parents. they'll breed and raise children and work as their brain is slowly dissolved in the murky primordial soup. they'll do all of that, and i'll still be here somehow. i'm just glad they're not pretending we're the same anymore. guess i should press post on this now

[vengeancect]

all i do is think about how much more of my life didn't happen than did

[vengeancect]

How come you never post here anymore?

deciding to post on here again december of last year was a monumentally bad decision and i *cannot* overstate how awful it felt, and how awful posting in general feels. it's like an exercise in schizophrenia, just digging the broken shards deeper into my brain. just look at all the anons i got around that time and even before that. i don't like to leave people hanging when they send messages or ask but there's nothing for me here. i have nothing worthwhile to say or share.

[vengeancect]

Things will change for you. I'm sorry you're dealing with this and I believe in you

how should i react to this? i have received messages like this from dozens of people for over *a decade* now. what do i even do anymore

[vengeancect]

pretty sure if you haven't broken the seal it should be ok, not sure why the box is like that though; if others have vouched for the purity/tested it it should be still effective. heard it's easier to get where you live and relatively cheap, is most of the price from the other meds and whatever else?

oh we have it excellently good over here. i got all the meds i need literally across the street. awfully pricey though, and they keep expiring because i keep being an idiot and not doing it, sn itself is still very unregulated and relatively cheap around here. i got this measuring cup and a digital scale and everything and i still havent used any of this shit, i have the "recipe" written down somewhere in case i forget it (i have). i've almost put too much thought into it but all the energy has nowhere to go

[vengeancect]

i was just curious if you still had it since you hadnt posted in a while. i just recently figured out what it was by accident

had it since april last year. still sealed. idk if it's well preserved since i have it in a moldy little box. would be easier to preserve if i lived alone. i have all the stuff to counteract it's effects too. i've had it for years and always keep everything up to date. must have spent over a hundred on all of it at this point

[vengeancect]

is the substance you bought a while ago SN? do you still have it?

1: yes to both

2: why?

[vengeancect]

u make everyone your hostage on this site, did you know that?

yeah, i know it very well. sometimes i think you guys deserve it

[vengeancect]

hey dudey. i don’t know why i waited so long to ever reach out to you, but you’re the inspiration of one of the characters i have in a screenplay i wrote, which has since been bought and is currently about to be made into a movie. xoxo, some weird chick - p.s., ily

i’ve never stopped thinking about this ask ever since i got it several months ago. i don’t know if it’s real, and i don’t really know how making a movie would work in ThE cUrReNt WoRlD SiTuAtIoN but part of me hopes it’s real and hopes you are successful. i don’t know if you’ll even read this response but i hope it’s all going okay for you. and no matter happens to me, don’t feel guilty for being inspired by someone. that’s all i guess

[vengeancect]

ive followed you for a very long time and i feel relief when you post and i know that you’re still alive. i just want you to hear that you’re not as hopeless as you think you are. saying this as someone who used to plan or act toward my own suicide EVERY day. i hope you can find something to live for. btw if you ever wrote something more formally and posted it id love to read it, there’d be nothing embarrassing about it. i think you’re talented with language.

yeah whatever

[vengeancect]

I had a dream about you It was kind of dark. you ended up committing suicide but before that you made sure to livestream it on here. And then your blog was deleted because that went against the rules. you also left a link to some Steam account or something where you kept diary and writing entries and poems, and also little video games that you had created. you left the comments open and your followers flooded them with concern. I never have dreams about people on here

i find this actually very cute. i love it. though i’d never livestream such a thing, after all i’m partly doing it to become free of the internet and it’s influence. unfortunately i have no other writing or games worth sharing either. i have dreams about people on here all the time and they’re always super awful.

[vengeancect]

is it ok if i perform a healing spell on you. this isn't sarcastic

scrolling down and seeing “is it ok if i perform a healing spell on you” was kind of hilarious. yes it’s okay. do whatever you want.

[vengeancect]

do you listen to music

yes, it’s stupid for me to listen to music though. every day i fantasize about a world where it’s slightly more okay and canon for me to listen to music. it’s never going to happen though, which i guess i deserve.

are you the same person that talked to me about your favorite album covers months ago? if so, two of the artists you mentioned back then have become almost daily listens to me. most of their discography is really good. i wouldn’t have discovered them without you. a lot of people liked that ask for some reason. i guess it’s the same emotion that goes into liking a video named “Monkey At Zoo Makes Human Friend So Cute!” or whatever. it’s novel to see me engaged in that kind of conversation. makes everyone go “awwww”. i feel like every now and then i’m going to listen to one of those artists and remember some of the messages we exchanged and i’m gonna feel really awkward. but it’s really not your fault & it doesn’t really matter

[vengeancect]

Maybe I'm being a self-righteous jerk but please reconsider, not for anyone else's sake but for your own.

you can probably guess how this is going to go