vengtblog

[vengtblog]

When I tell my psychiatrist I am having meltdowns that endanger me in public he pulls out the anxiety card when I tell him I need my records to get ssd because this has ruined my ability to make stable income he pulls out the "only severely disabled people use SSD" card and refuses to give my records then prescribes me an SSRI right after I ask him not to the answer to this is if I don't find a competent mental health professional within a year I'm taking a knife to my fucking jugular

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I can't tell what's normal anymore. What's me being a piece of shit and what's me having normal expectations that keep being broken down through reinforcement of punishment. My parents did that to me so forgive me if I can't tell.

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I love having Seroquel on hand just in case I don't sleep at all for over 24 hours and start panicking

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I swear to god I'm going to get my shit together out of pure spite so I can become the competent mental health professional I've never seen bar one time.

I've seen group therapy counselors laugh in the middle of a clearly out of it person going on about their brain tumor delusion, you don't fucking do that.

I've seen homeless people get refered to group therapy while begging for housing help in inpatient, god knows how they managed to pay the fucking bill for 2 weeks of sitting in a room watching TV they didn't even have a choice of choosing the channels of and maybe 30 mins max of 1on1 time with the psych there only to get downcycled into another thing they couldn't pay for and still no place to stay.

I'm sick to death of my friends being addicts or severely mentally ill and being treated like they're beyond help.

Unless you're in the city there's barely any social work aspect, it's mostly for profit, if you're low income you're fucked, if you're trans they treat you like you have a hysteria diagnosis.

The entire system is a fucking joke, it's a mask meant to cover up the fact that 80% of the time people either cycle endlessly or fall through the cracks and die.

This isn't shady shadow government type thought either, I don't think the system was explicitly built to kill people, I don't think freud and Jung got in a room together and decided "hey let's kill homeless people"

I think that money was valued over human life, I think that historically mentally ill people have been considered not being fit enough to have autonomy over themselves. I think a bunch of people 20 degrees of separation from this type of lifestyle outside of catching glimpses of it in sterile environments decided what was best for a bunch of people they should've been helping and listening to and then threw Thier hands up in the air and went "welp can't save everyone" when Thier way of doing things started fucking toppling.

Outside of even this low income people homeless people severely mentally ill people addicts etc aren't viewed with any sort of compassion or humanity.

If they aren't reintegrated successfully they're wanted to not be seen, they're untouchables.

This shit doesn't exist in its own bubble and it effects the mental health industry so badly.

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Fuck me for not wanting to be so out of it what little control of myself I still have is removed by just one dickhead who thinks he can prove a point

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The first time I asked for help with an hrt script after about 6 fucking years of deciding "yeah it's clearly not a phase at this point an I'm getting worse because of my dysphoria" I was prescribed an SSRI as a bandaid solution,

I was already experiencing negative symptoms, we called the asshole and asked what to do he told me to take two extra pills and I ended up massively destabilized for four months straight.

I tell current doctor about this he shakes his head and says that's impossible SSRIs don't cause psychosis.

Are you fucking stupid? Did you even listen to anything I said or the listed symptoms?

I'm sorry is having severe panic attacks hourly for two weeks to the point where I couldn't function and was waking up my own grandmother out of a dead sleep normal to you is that a normal symptom?

Is getting so fucked up that my paranoia that I've been stiffling for years slips off the edge and takes place center of my mind causing me to accuse family members of poisoning food for two months normal symptomage?

Is being terrified to the point of getting 5 hours sleep max while waking up mid panic attack as soon as I start drifting off a normal symptom?

Is getting hot flashes a normal symptom?

Do you actually care about my health when you go directly against my wishes after I finally decide to trust you or did you just wanna prove a point at the cost of something I can't afford to go wrong?

Do your 8 years of medical school and puddle depth knowledge of me make you immune to listening to your patients?

Go fuck yourself.

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It's fairly easy to have me as a patient if you actually listen to me and do not do things I tell you explicitly not to do like prescribe me SSRIs right after stressing this.

I'm not insane I'm not a know it all or too stupid for my own good I know from physical experience how easy it is to destabilize me am I am sick to fucking death of everyone's opinion but mine being taken into account for things that involve my mental stability.

I am paying you to fucking help me not try to prove a point by sneaking in a fucking Zoloft script after I say no SSRIs.

You should not under any circumstances take every doctor at Thier word at every little point you should be able to say "no I won't take that" or "no please do not give me x it doesn't react with me well" if someone goes directly against your wishes to do so it's a direct violation of trust and shows that they don't actually care about your health I'm not putting up with that anymore and I'm done fucking listening to family members tell me it's normal or asking me how I truly know that SSRIs make me fucking manic.

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Literally nothing can be normal, therapists/psychs treat me like I'm too stupid to have autonomy or pathologize me for it, physical doctors treat me like a malingerer.

I got tested for a fucking UTI yesterday, I tested positive, I was given a kit for STD at home testing after relaying that I had been sexually assaulted, given refferals to mental health services

You know what would happen if I went to urgent care for that? They'd go pale and try Thier hardest to kick me out before doing a UTI test at minimum and getting a fucking negative screening .

I am not going to survive past five years I can't keep doing this.

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I'm sick to death of being trans

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There are no work at home jobs my experience is applicable to shithead I'm sorry I can't land a fucking 30k a year remote office job as a 7 year long janitor with a high school degree go to hell

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"get a job or we'll cut off access to your hrt provider when they need to do physical appointments with you to check your health twice a year" ok cool I'll start looking again hope you'll be willing to take me this time since I don't have a car and can't produce one out of thin air and 100 dollars in savings

"what do you mean you applied for a job we can't take you there" ok cool so you just want me to loose access to the only good medical care I've had in years and slowly get worse until you can make up an excuse to kick me to the curb is that it?

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I hate this fucking hick dump I have to go an hour out to get access to hrt and nearly all the therapists that are qualified to actually handle me without being weird about me being trans are either 50 mins up north or in another state entirely