this is a very negative side blog, only for me to scream and cry into the void. it makes no sense, it's inconsistent and can be triggering. i highly recommend staying away.
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scrolling tumblr instead of working and my wrist band thinks i am asleep
really gotta switch to office, otherwise im gonna rot
i don't like this. been feeling not so great abt myself these past months
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Also, sunshine, after reading all of this I want to say two more things:
You do know how to put your thoughts into words the way it sounds good. This blog has so much pain in it but it honestly was a pleasure to read.
And you're funny as hell girl.
Oh.
Well I've just read every single post on this blog.
And I want to say to that girl who wrote all of this:
I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm sorry you're always scared and tired and angry and sad. Your feelings matter, and yes, you are sick and in need of help and you are -- we are going to get it.
I want to say yes, happiness does exist and we will find it. We will.
And we will find a partner. You were actually 75% right when you were guessing what they would be like. He is a huge conflict avoider and also sometimes has trouble with sharing how he's feeling. We love him very much. He loves you. He loves me. He loves and accepts everything that we are.
He is right here beside me. He was here when I was crying. When I was scared and couldn't stop crying, he was here. He is here.
And we're building a future together. You and me and him, we're all working together to get somewhere we want.
Life is not all about "not"s anymore. We do want things. We want a future and a family. We actually want kids. I'm glad we still can.
There's so much more other plans for life.
We have a job. A good well paid job, and we really do know how to do it.
I know you couldn't imagine we would have half of the things we do. And there's so much more to come.
I am so sorry for all the pain we've been through.
You are so very strong.
It will get better.
I promise. I promise it will, just hold on.
I love you. All this love I have now is yours, for your life was lacking love for so long.
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Oh.
Well I've just read every single post on this blog.
And I want to say to that girl who wrote all of this:
I'm sorry you feel this way. I'm sorry you're always scared and tired and angry and sad. Your feelings matter, and yes, you are sick and in need of help and you are -- we are going to get it.
I want to say yes, happiness does exist and we will find it. We will.
And we will find a partner. You were actually 75% right when you were guessing what they would be like. He is a huge conflict avoider and also sometimes has trouble with sharing how he's feeling. We love him very much. He loves you. He loves me. He loves and accepts everything that we are.
He is right here beside me. He was here when I was crying. When I was scared and couldn't stop crying, he was here. He is here.
And we're building a future together. You and me and him, we're all working together to get somewhere we want.
Life is not all about "not"s anymore. We do want things. We want a future and a family. We actually want kids. I'm glad we still can.
There's so much more other plans for life.
We have a job. A good well paid job, and we really do know how to do it.
I know you couldn't imagine we would have half of the things we do. And there's so much more to come.
I am so sorry for all the pain we've been through.
You are so very strong.
It will get better.
I promise. I promise it will, just hold on.
I love you. All this love I have now is yours, for your life was lacking love for so long.
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Feeling horribly socially awkward today. I really need to practice talking to people. This whole work from home thing is not making my poor social skills any better.
For the love of god even if they do think I'm slow or rude or dumb so WHAT
The worst that can happen is that I get fired. Whatever. Fuck this, I'll find another job I guess. Maybe not so well paid but I do know how to do a bunch of things so inevitably there will be a job for me. Jesus fucking Christ why do I worry so much.
Also. That meeting on Friday. I am NOT happy about it.
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why is this such a nightmare
been a while since i've been feeling this bad :(
it's been muchh worse back when I started this blog and even a year ago
but damn does this week hit hard and I forgot what it's like
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13 work days (including today) left at this job and I don't feel that at all.
I'm super stressed
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comments from tiktok about siblings
#oh god i have so much to say#i have two younger sisters#wr had different kind of relationship over the years#(mostly we were on good terms except for the time when i was a teenager and was unnecessarily mean to them.#back then they were somewhat afraid of me and im still ashamed i was an asshole in response to their curiosity.)#now i live separately and they're still with my parents#and these last two years are not very kind to my family. i mean there's nothing really bad happening#just like the overall detrrioration of life conditions#and i feel this burdening responsibility for the girls#i feel that i mist dedicate myself to making their lives better#im guessing there's several reasons behind it#most of them growing from the fact that i hardly accept the fact that i deserve to live for myself. to be happy#i feel like at least this last year im happier than i was in the last like. 7 years or so#and i feel embarrassed about it. ashamed. because i don't deserve to feel good when my loved ones are not happy#and i don't know what to do about it#god it sounds so pointless like im just complaining for no reason#i#whatever
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I feel like a tiny creature caught up in resin. It's so hard to move and I am so slow and every move exhausts me to bits
I don't wanna go back there
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Ashamed of what i've done, hurt by what i've found out
having mixed feelings and none of them are good
my inner critic is judging me so hard for everything it hurts really bad
i need to shut that bitch up
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I went through my photos of like 4 years ago
Now I get why everybody keeps saying I have lost a lot of weight in the last years
I really have
It's weird because I wasn't even exercising most of the time? And like 4 years ago I was running a lot
I guess mental health progress over the last years is what made it possible. I guess now that I am no longer in such a dark place, now that I know myself better and how to care for myself, my body is slowly getting healthier too
#i kinda don't feel like posting it anywhere but here now. it got a little too personal#but im glad im so much better now#looking back at all those photos#reminded me of what i was like back then. it wasn't the best time of my life to say the least. im glad it has passed.
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Oh is it that time again when I don't feel like anything
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I kind of feel like crying.
Is it the conversation we had before?
Is it something else?
It's so hard to know
I wish I was better at figuring out why my soul is aching
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I gotta do stuff but all I want is to gome
It's this crappy thing where I have to go to an administrative center that has me so stressed, I am 99% sure of this. I am traumatized by the last time I had to interact with all this crap and those places feel like hell on earth where I am alone against this whole giant system and I do not want to experience that misery again
It's dumb and childish and immature and whatever but I've been stalling going there this whole week
I know it's not making it any better. Being worried all the time. At least it would be nice to be stalling and be calm about it but that's not how I work
Jesus I just want to stay in my shell all day every day is that so much to ask for
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Also it sucks that I am so incredibly sleepy after sleeping for like 10 hours?? Hello
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Well it has lowered a little bit.
Still, I don't like all this kind of stuff.
By all this stuff I mean life, apparently
I have so much to say and nothing I want to share at the same time
I have so much despair inside me but it's so ungrounded and irrational that I feel ashamed of ever admitting it out loud. I am ashamed of who I am and what I'm feeling, of how I deal with problems and how immature I am.
I am so tired of torturing myself with this crap yet I have no idea how to stop it.
I tried, didn't I? Half a year of therapy.
I should probably admit that it did get better. But it feels like there's still such a road ahead, the destination being me freed of this eternal guilt and anxiety. And I don't think I'm ever reaching that point. I don't believe I can. I'm afraid that I'll have to live with this pain for the rest of my life, that I'll be endlessly shaming and hating and hurting myself and I don't want this to happen.
I don't want to keep on living.
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