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September 21st, 2018 — 3:18am

Welp.. I relapsed.. not for the reason I thought I would and much later than I thought I would but.. there goes my almost one month streak.

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September 20th, 2018 — 11:48pm

Guess who fucking hates themselves and wants to rip their fucking throat out?

Ireallywanttorelapse

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September 18th, 2018 — 1:58am

I'm having random memories of when my arms were completely coated and I had to wear long sleeves and wrist bands every day and I kinda wanted to get that back but it was a short urge and I'm too tired to act on it and idk why I still get random things like that. I'll be perfectly fine and I'll randomly think "I really want to feel that and the sting in the days that follow and then run my fingers over the skin." I want to know why I think that but the only person I would dare ask I don't want to cause I don't want to upset them. I have noticed though that now that some troubling events have passed then I'm more open about them. A bit ago I posted a rant on Instagram about what happened with Kat and Lee. I didn't go really in detail but it was about something having to do with being ace and how people try to say it's something that can be fixed. I've also been a bit more open, but only under certain rare conditions, about my past dealings with self harm.

Since living in Florida now I have also more been having thoughts about wanting a relapse and I guess it's partially because the last time I can definitely remember staying in the computer room of yiayia and pspou's house was when I started self harming and a couple times after where it had worsened.

On another note for me to just vent about it without anyone seeing, I'm more so debating whether I'm asexual or not. I know I'm still on the spectrum but I think I may be demi? I dunno but I've noticed lately I've been slightly hoping that my and my current partner's relationship would progress but I'm not gonna bring it up with them because I know they're ace or at least they tell me they are so even if they're not they don't want that kind of relationship with me and I want to respect that. I'm also afraid if I bring it up, if they don't leave, then they may try to force themselves to be okay with it and that would be so much worse.

While I've thought about it and it may be nice assuming I don't have panic attacks or anything, it's not something I would require to continue a relationship with them. They're perfect as they are even though they think they aren't. I love them so much just how they are.

This is sort of more aimless rambling about whatever my mind reminds me of but another thing is as we're together longer and longer I'm more and more afraid of them leaving. 8 months was my longest and I don't even know if it actually counts as that long considering all the shit that happened, the one actual break up, her threatening to leave, etc. It felt like it was only those maybe 3 months that we were actually dating then the rest was her ghosting me or making fun of me or using me, etc. There's some stuff about her I haven't told anyone except maybe one person I used to be close to on furry amino but I'm still too scared to actually vent about it, even on here, in fear of someone actually finding this account and seeing what happened and judging me or something.

More random shit I need to get out. I've seen a few of those mental disorder/abuse/etc story game whatevers and some kinda hit hard especially the one I found about mental abuse and PTSD.. they've made me believe it was my fault one way or another. Guilt tripping, trapping me, straight up saying it's my fault, etc. There was also one for verbal abuse that said something about them telling people I'm the toxic one and that one hit hard and more made me realize I really wasn't the toxic one.. she made me feel like I was and like I was being such a horrible fucking partner even though I would do literally anything and everything for her then when she left she told me I was the one being toxic and it made me question if I really was a shitty excuse for a human being even though so many people told me how she was acting was toxic. Seeing that post kinda gave me some peace of mind.

Lastly I've noticed I've been doing a lot better now overall and yeah sometimes I still get anxious or depressed or whatever but I was looking through my Snapchat a few days ago and realized what a horrible place I was in a year ago where I couldn't make a month clean and I marked myself up bad, was hardly getting sleep because of anxiety leading to insomnia instead of just normal random and infrequent insomnia. It brought me to tears to see how bad I was but I feel so much better now and my new partner is to thank for that. I know you won't see this now, if ever, but babe, I love you so much and I'm thankful for everything you've put up with with me and for being there for me n everything.

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August 27th, 2018 — 1:40am

Oops..

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August 27th, 2018 — 1:36am

I can tell a relapse is unavoidable tonight..

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August 22nd, 2018 — 2:41pm

Welp.. I almost made it to 2 months...

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August 20, 2018 — 2:05am

People saying "they're in a better place now" when someone dies is what further makes people believe they'll be better off dead.

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August 15th, 2018 — 4:07am

I keep thinking "if I had my pills right now I would have downed several" and I'm kinda feeling really suicidal.. heh... Isn't that fun?..

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August 15th, 2018 — 3:34am

I'm past 1 month but I wish I brought my razors..

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August 2nd, 2018 — 2:58pm

Heh.. I wanna relapse.. fun.

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July 30th, 2018 — 7:27am

I don't know why but I thought it was a good idea to see just how visible my scars are. I turned on my phone light and shone it at different angles over my arm and I'm realizing either they're getting more noticeable or I'm just realizing how noticeable they really are. My partner keeps reassuring me they still love me even if I have scars and even if they're visible and etc but my stupid ass thinks about the weirdest situations to overthink. What if some stranger in public sees them? What if my "friends" from school have seen them? How long have they been bisible? How noticeable are they to others? Am I going to be forced back into therapy? Do people I meet check my arms to see if I have scars just because of how I dress? If they do do they see the ones that are still there now? Do others think poorly of me if they've seen them? How many people know or assume I have that horrible addiction? What if when I meet my partner in person they check my arm when I'm not looking or paying attention and see them? What if they become more noticeable by then? What if they end up deciding they can't deal with it? What if they'll be embarrassed to go in public with me? Are they embarrassed by the fact that they're even dating me? Is that why they haven't introduced me to their mom and pop? What if their family sees them when I visit? What will they think? If they say something how will my partner react?

Eh just needed to get my thoughts out. There's more but those helped. I also noticed in my bout of overthinking that sometimes I do or say things solely to gauge the reaction of the person I'm interacting with. That's why when I'm with friends i lag behind to see if they care or notice. That's why I push people away for see if they still want me around or they're through with me. That's why sometimes my stupid impuldive self says stupid shit that I don't know where it came from or why I'm saying it.

It's also sad that so many times that someone mentions "when you die" then the first image to pop in my head is my coffin but with my parents and brother there... It's sad that I've gotten so bad that at the mention of death then I don't imagine some death of natural causes in my senior years.

Dear future me, I hope you're doing better. I'm sorry if I make you cry from all the stupid shit I've done and thought. Looking back at other stuff I know I have so I wouldn't be surprised. But I really hope I get better and not worse. Especially since 2016 I just hit a bump in the road that sent me off the cliff and I'll make some progress just to lose 5x that.

My current partner is really helping me though. They've treated me a lot better than anyone else has and honestly I never saw myself actually in a relationship that my partner genuinely cared about me but i can tell they do. I really hope they'll stay... I'm tired of everyone swearing up and down they'll stay just to turn around and leave.

On that note I've been thinking about Perry lately. I really miss her but she's the one who cut things off so I'm too afraid to message her.. she was such a good friend though and now my partner is really my only good friend. I didn't even wish Janice a happy birthday or friend versatile even though I told her in my head. I just feel like no one gives a shit anymore wnd everyone I was close with left or became distant. I followed ninty the other day in hopes of being friends again but I didn't message her. I hope she'll recognise me and message me or something but then again I've passed her when I was on the way to the bus every day after school and she never said a word tk me.

With Perry I could go on an alt and try to message her but again since she cut things off I'm too scared.. she probably forgot me anyways.. This has been a long mess of I don't know what besides trying to get my thoughts out so I don't do anything stupid but I've come to a conclusion that I'm never going to have long term friends. Maybe we'll be friends for a couple years but then we just stop talking... If we do talk it's short lived with minimal responses and obviously the other person isn't interested in talking to me.

I'm feeling better now so I should probably either get some sleep or stay up all night.

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July 28th, 2018 — 2:30pm

I wish you weren't only dom when I should I want you to be or when I'm not okay.. it makes me feel even more like you don't want to be at all and it kinda stings..

On a second note I'm getting to a month clean I think? I don't remember my last relapse but I know I relapsed on the fourth. I've scratched my arm up like I used to with my nails a week or so ago but I don't know if I should count that as relapsing? I've also scratched open bug bites and pimples and shit but again, I don't know if that counts. I did notice yesterday that my cuts from over a year ago and probably some from longer or sooner are still there. They're pretty faint and hard to notice but if you look real hard and in the right light you can see them. My partner said they've never noticed them in calls or pictures which helps but just knowing they're still there hurts.. I'm gonna be one of those people that someone sees their scars and they start acting funny around me as if I'm some kind of loveless beast that wants attention or some shit like that..

If they become more prominent I'm just going to wear long sleeves in public or around friends. My family already found out a long while ago so I don't much have to worry about it at home but I'm still worried if they see them they'll make fun of and insult me again. I already heard my brother and his friend call me retarded for when I ended up in the hospital because my "friend" called the cops on me and my brother and dad, and even my mom a couple times, have all said I'm faking it for attention and to get my way..

Oh yeah I'm definitely faking my panic attacks and breakdowns even though I'm trying my damndest to hide them from you. If I ask for help, I'm an attention whore. If I don't, then I'm stuck on relying on self destruction to cope. So there's not really a way to get better, is there?

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July 19th, 2018 — 12:55am

My edit

"Maybe I should pretend everything's okay again... That would seem to fix a lot..."

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July 17th, 2018 — 4:08am

Woops now I wanna relapse again...

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July 17th, 2018 — 3:44am

I lit a candle and dipped my finger in it a couple times. I accidentally put it out but then looking at the liquid wax and I was tempted to pour it on my arm. I didn't but the sticking my finger in it didn't hurt that bad and by the third time I dunked my finger then I couldn't feel anything. I'm about 13 days clean and since we started dating my record has been just under a month but the relapses have been very sparse which is fucking amazing. I never thought I would be able to make it from almost every day to only once almost a month. I'm hoping I can soon get that even further apart but with how far I've come I'm happy for now.

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I'm thinking about just turning this into a personal journal thing. I mean I guess it kinda always has been but before it was just so I could get my feelings out somehow but I also kind of want to keep track of how I'm doing, what causes me to get anxious or depressed, what causes me to get happy, etc. I mean.. me saying this doesn't mean anything since no one sees my posts so I'm sorta just talking to myself but it still strangely helps..

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I'm feeling suicidal again.. fun.. I always fuck things up..