ventforthevault

[ventforthevault]

I don't remember the rest of the holiday. I do remember that mum and I went to the airport separately from him, but we were on the same flight. We come home. J goes out to his mothers for a day or two. I relax. He's gone. This is what she means by sorting it. He's gone now, she'll contact the police soon, and then nothing like this will ever happen again. Then he comes back. She has a conversation with him while I'm told to go reads book in my room. I pull a bag out from under my bed, I begin to fill it with clothes and things that a 9 year old thinks are important in 2004. I put the bag under my bedroom window, I clear the space in front of the window so I can climb up and out if needed. I then start to move these big pink seethrough storage containers that I had that held pencils, pens, markers, colouring books, erasers, all the supplies I need for school and art. I stack the 2 big boxes on top of each other in front of my door, and then I move back and sit down on the floor. And I sit. I wonder if I should run away. She always told me if I didn't feel safe, I could go next door. I check the window. Their car is not there. I am only allowed in the housing estate, I'm not allowed to go further, so I don't know where I can go. Who I can go to. So I go back to sitting on my bed, waiting. After what felt like ages, my door suddenly lurches open. And is hit with difficulty as my mum curses and tells me to move these boxes, and stop being silly. I remove them, and she asks me to come into the living room. He's standing next to the fireplace with his head down like a dog who got into treats he wasn't meant to. I stand there, me in the door frame of the living room and my mum begins to talk. He's apologised. I misunderstood him when he was trying to hug me and he now knows that I was scared. He promises to never do it again. He audibly says he is sorry for upsetting me. Mum puts her hand on my shoulder, and gestures over. "Now, what do you say?" I stand there, and I awkwardly say "... ok?" She then pulls him and me into a hug with him and says "Now let's hug it out!" His hand in on my head as he squeezes me closer to him.

Nothing is going to happen. He's here to stay. For 3 more years.

[ventforthevault]

She brings me to a burger king in the village, I don't remember how we got there because I was just… floating. I remember being told to wait outside while she gathered stuff, and I walked over the bowling pins and picked up the weighed plastic ball. What was the point? What just happened? Why did I feel this pit in my stomach like I did something wrong? Then I'm in Burger King, she's ordered chicken nuggets and we've gone to the bathroom.

I'm sitting on the countertop where the sink is, and I'm watching as she flitters between cubicles to make sure it is empty. Then she turns and starts telling me that she's sorry, she never should have gone to sleep, she should have been there. And how we can't do anything until we go home. She will report him then. Until then, she'll keep him away from me and get everything ready so we can go home. I believe her.

That evening, we watch "The Most Fertile Man in Ireland". It's literally just a film of sex over and over and over again. I'm sitting on a couch, with my mum between me and the man who I just told her had done the unspeakable… and she's laughing, she's drinking wine, and explaining the sex jokes to me like it's a normal day. I can't stay there anymore. I ask if I can go to bed. I go in, I close the door, and I break down. I don't know what is happening. I don't know if anything IS happening.

It's late, it's dark, and my mum and him are now making noises. I recognise the noises. But I need to go to the toilet. I awkwardly open up the door, and the image I am faced with is my mother bent over the kitchen countertop, and J is just fucking her like a mad man. I can't tell if she's conscious or not, but she's groaning and I can't keep watching. I go to close back over the door, and he hears me.

He calls out my name, and I freeze. He locks eyes with me as he continues to fuck my mum, and says "go back inside, sweetie, I'll be in to you in a few. Ok?" I scarper into the toilet, I pee and I am shaking, I am trying to hold in cries as my mother continues to be fucked in the next room and all I can think of is if he is going to come in and do the same to me when he's finished.

I go back into the room quickly, I close the door behind me, I grab every single heavy object I can find in the room and I begin piling them up against the door. I am throwing chairs, pushing tables and bedside drawers, I'm desperate and then I realise I've trapped MYSELF.

Except I haven't. I notice the window in the room, and it's big enough for me to crawl through. I hop onto the bed and pull myself up onto the windowsill. There is a pipe directly besides my window. If he tries to open the door and realises I've locked it, he'll go through the front door and I have to run by it to get away. So I begin to climb up this fucking metal drainpipe, I pull myself up, sobbing quietly, trying to be so quiet, as the parrot cage next to the wall is going mental because it's like 1am and they were trying to sleep. I get myself up to the ledge, and I drag myself over using the lip of the roof ledge. I roll over onto the hard concrete, I am lying on my back, and I stare up at the sky. It's clear as crystal. The stars feel different than home, the moon is barely there, and I can hear no noise from below anymore as the parrots calm down.

I crawl over to gaze down from the roof at where the front door is, to make sure he doesn't come out and up here. As I stare down, my brain screams to jump. I think about running down the hill and straight into the motorway below. Maybe that is better than having to stay here for almost a week without being able to get away from him. I hear a noise, and I push myself back from the roof. He's locked the front door. I shakily move back up, and I sit there as the moon begins to fade and the sun begins to rise. I don't sleep. I can't. I cry. I think about jumping, I think about how my legs would probably just break and then I wouldn't be able to kick him or run away from him if I did.

I see the car of the villa owner drive out and I duck down. People are starting to move, so I decide I should go back inside now. He can't hurt me now, can he? I go down the steps, around the back of the villa, and struggle to get back in through the bedroom window. I fall in, I hit my elbow, I hold in the cry, and I lie back down onto the bed.

The event (TW; CSA)

My mum had gone to sleep after lunch. She had been sunbathing with no sunscreen, so of course she overheated and had to take a nap. I'll refer to him as J. That's the start of his name so makes it easier. I was wearing a thin shiny cream/brown ankle length skirt, a white spaghetti strapped fake lace shirt, my underwear had the days on them, as did my socks. (I shouldn't have to mention what I was wearing, but I need to make sure I cannot be blamed for being in a state of undress or whatever horrific excuse someone will make for a man in his 30s with 2 teen kids of his own to do this.) I was playing with the bowling balls, just enjoying the outside and the sun, when J asks me if I want to go to the field up above to search for dragonflies. I was always interested in wildlife so I said yes. I joined him and his camera up the road, just a normal walk up. We get up to the top, at this curve in the mountain, and he puts his camera bag down on the ground. He asks me if I would give him a hug, and I always felt like I had to so I went over. He wrapped his arms around me, sniffing my hair, and starts telling me about how good I am. About how pretty I was, and how anyone would fall in love with such a pretty face. His arms moved down further. He was 5 foot 5 and I was just under 5 foot 2 at this point, I was very tall. He cupped my butt like always, and I wiggled as I always do because I was uncomfortable but my face is pressed into his chest and I can't really say anything. Then his hands begin to pull up my skirt, until it's hitched over my underwear and he is pulling and flicking the band of my underwear from behind. His hand slipped under my underwear, and his fingers begin to prod over my butt and then down until he finds what he was looking for. All I know is this is the area I've been told to never let anyone touch. And his fingernails scratch. He is repeatedly saying how good I am, how pretty I am, how perfect I am, as his fingers begin to hurt me. I feel like I'm going to throw up, and I pull my arms up into my chest and then use them to push myself out of his grasp. And my privates now HURT. I think his finger nails scratched me. He tried to come back to me, to grab me, and I kicked him. I kicked him, I yelled "stay away from me!", and then I ran. And I ran all the way to the villa, in the hallway and then I stopped. My mum was asleep. She was going to be angry I woke her. I closed the front door and stood there for what felt like hours but it was probably seconds, while I tried to figure out what I could do. Then I decided that my mum had always told me to tell her if anything like that happened to me. I knocked on the bedroom door, I walked in, sat at the end of the bed and carefully shook her leg. Then shook it harder. Then yelled "mum, wake up!" She wakes up, she goes to yell at me, then sees me, and asks what is wrong. And I try to find the words.. the words I was always told to tell an adult. "J touched me... under my knickers. In my area." She was silent, and then grabbed my arm from across the bed. "What did you say?" I repeat it. A knock on the door, and J is standing at the door frame smiling awkwardly with his camera bag and asks what is going on. Mum tells him to close the door and wait. He closes the door, she looks at me, and tells me to grab my bag and shoes, we were going to go in to town to talk.

[ventforthevault]

The event (TW; CSA)

My mum had gone to sleep after lunch. She had been sunbathing with no sunscreen, so of course she overheated and had to take a nap. I'll refer to him as J. That's the start of his name so makes it easier. I was wearing a thin shiny cream/brown ankle length skirt, a white spaghetti strapped fake lace shirt, my underwear had the days on them, as did my socks. (I shouldn't have to mention what I was wearing, but I need to make sure I cannot be blamed for being in a state of undress or whatever horrific excuse someone will make for a man in his 30s with 2 teen kids of his own to do this.) I was playing with the bowling balls, just enjoying the outside and the sun, when J asks me if I want to go to the field up above to search for dragonflies. I was always interested in wildlife so I said yes. I joined him and his camera up the road, just a normal walk up. We get up to the top, at this curve in the mountain, and he puts his camera bag down on the ground. He asks me if I would give him a hug, and I always felt like I had to so I went over. He wrapped his arms around me, sniffing my hair, and starts telling me about how good I am. About how pretty I was, and how anyone would fall in love with such a pretty face. His arms moved down further. He was 5 foot 5 and I was just under 5 foot 2 at this point, I was very tall. He cupped my butt like always, and I wiggled as I always do because I was uncomfortable but my face is pressed into his chest and I can't really say anything. Then his hands begin to pull up my skirt, until it's hitched over my underwear and he is pulling and flicking the band of my underwear from behind. His hand slipped under my underwear, and his fingers begin to prod over my butt and then down until he finds what he was looking for. All I know is this is the area I've been told to never let anyone touch. And his fingernails scratch. He is repeatedly saying how good I am, how pretty I am, how perfect I am, as his fingers begin to hurt me. I feel like I'm going to throw up, and I pull my arms up into my chest and then use them to push myself out of his grasp. And my privates now HURT. I think his finger nails scratched me. He tried to come back to me, to grab me, and I kicked him. I kicked him, I yelled "stay away from me!", and then I ran. And I ran all the way to the villa, in the hallway and then I stopped. My mum was asleep. She was going to be angry I woke her. I closed the front door and stood there for what felt like hours but it was probably seconds, while I tried to figure out what I could do. Then I decided that my mum had always told me to tell her if anything like that happened to me. I knocked on the bedroom door, I walked in, sat at the end of the bed and carefully shook her leg. Then shook it harder. Then yelled "mum, wake up!" She wakes up, she goes to yell at me, then sees me, and asks what is wrong. And I try to find the words.. the words I was always told to tell an adult. "J touched me... under my knickers. In my area." She was silent, and then grabbed my arm from across the bed. "What did you say?" I repeat it. A knock on the door, and J is standing at the door frame smiling awkwardly with his camera bag and asks what is going on. Mum tells him to close the door and wait. He closes the door, she looks at me, and tells me to grab my bag and shoes, we were going to go in to town to talk.

[ventforthevault]

When I was 9, I was sexually abused by my mother's boyfriend at the time

Let's get things going from the start. It was between when I was 9 and 10, because I went to Disneyland Paris when I was 9 and he did creepy but quiet shit when I was 10. This happened between it. We went on a trip to Spain. He had booked a private villa, which was on top of a hill above a very small village. The villa was on the same property as the owner's house, but they were about a 5 min walk away and weren't always there. We stayed for I believe 10 days? i know it was at least a week, as I'm pretty sure it was during Mid-term/Easter break. The villa had a pool. It was Spain after all. The pool was on the lefthand side of the villa, and in front next to the car parking spaces was a colourful set of ten pin bowling for kids. There was a hallway entrance, the bedroom was to the immediate left, the spare room I was sleeping in was next to it. The end of the hallway opened into an open plan living room slash kitchen, with the toilet at the end of the entrance. There was a cage of pirates on the righthand outside wall, and steps to go up to the roof which was flat and you could lie there. There was an incline behind the villa that enters into a field, which was filled with dragonflies and other wildlife. For the first 3 days, it was getting comfy, watching films, swimming in the pool etc While I was swimming, her boyfriend would "play a game" where he would pull my swimming pants off and throw them down to the deep end, and I'd have to then try and get them back. He would wrestle with me to prevent me from getting them. My mother watched this happen. This isn't the first time he did stuff in front of her that she didn't even blink at. He would wander around the house naked all the time. His penis was the first I ever saw. He would walk in on me in the bathroom, and either feign ignorance or say he needed to pee so I had to let him in. He would then stay, make conversation etc which always made me feel weird. Mum said this was what dads did, so I just shrugged and assumed it was normal. He would also ask me to hug him goodnight every night from the age of 7 to 10, and slowly he began to cup my butt or sniff my hair as he hugged me and wouldn't let me break out of the hug until he said so. I'm now extremely hug-averse and I also cannot be touched sexually from behind, have my butt touched etc through a hug due to the trauma of this. He also was a photographer, alongside his taxi business. He would not stop taking photos of me. I now only allow my photo to be taken when I am in cosplay, because I cannot feel safe having my photo taken where I am recognisable. Then, my mum got heat stroke and went to sleep on the 4th day of our trip after lunch.

[ventforthevault]

So I've made this account to vent about shit without it being linked to a fandom blog, or a personal instagram or whatever. I have a lot of shit going on right now and hopefully having a space to vent will make things a bit easier. I can't keep just unloading it all on to my friends, and there is a chance that this may go into legal territory so being able to talk about it is crucial or else I'll go mad.