ventings-r-us

[ventings-r-us]

havent posted here in a minute. guess thats a good thing??

some news: got notice that i might be able to go back to my old work?? its up to me

i was really really torn up about it at first. did i want to? i felt bad about doing so, like i was leaving all my new coworkers, and also like a coward who was running away from a difficult challenge

but also. i vastly prefer almost everything about the other spot. my coworkers, the clients, the workplace, all of it. even the pay is better.

havent been able to confirm my decision yet, but i can almost guarantee i want to go back. once i do i might text some of my old coworkers the good news :)

[ventings-r-us]

been disassociating lately.

i dont tend to leave my home except for work. i dont tend to talk to people except for work.

sat in the shower staring at the ground trying to get my brain to focus on the moment. i was only mildly successful.

ive got a headache and i cant get rid of it because the only way i feel remotely alive is losing myself in something else. like my phone

[ventings-r-us]

always find it fun when people talk about blue eyes irl around me. everytime it happens i take a minute to actually assess what color everyone's eyes are. last time this happened, i was with all brown-eyed people

whoever had brought it up was talking about how weird blue eyes are, how unnatural or whatever. i think. i always find it funny, how blue eyes are like, romanticized by writings and "popular opinion", yet most people find them unsettling.

i find it funny, because often when this happens, everyone will look at me. ive got blue eyes. a darker blue, but blue nonetheless. im never sure how to take those comments. im glad theyre not perpetuating the whole "blue eyes are superior" thing but like. i do think theyre cool still. all eye colors are so pretty, in their own ways

often, because of how much people like blue eyes, i only tend to see people praising brown eyes, to counteract all the blue stuff. which is fair and pretty and awesome. but maybe dont call blue eyes weird and unsettling? i cannot help their blueness. idk

what is the point of this post? idk. to get my thoughts to page, i suppose. anyway. eyes.

[ventings-r-us]

hello again

just did a happy hour with my old coworkers. i dont drink, of course, but they were still happy to have me along.

but idk it's got me feeling down. found out part of the reason i got transferred mightve been due to a complaint about me. everyone hates all the people they deal with. shit seems to suck back over there

the grass really isnt greener on the other side but god i fucking hate the brown over here

and idk part of the reason im in this fuckin industry is because of how much i love connecting with people even over something so simple. i love knowing people and always being reliable for just one small thing. i thought that's why people enjoyed this job.

i wouldnt have lasted if i didnt enjoy it. i would be gone. but honestly after tonight idk. does anyone think like i do?? or is everyone just fucking faking it and hating every single person they interact with

but like. im known as a fucking dick. im so mean and rude and famously i dont like people. but the reason i like this job so much is that i love those people whose days i make yknow. like i genuinely like those people. idgaf what they do for the rest of the day, but at least we enjoy this moment.

but not for everyone else ig. idk. why are you here if you are just. hating every minute of it i dont understand

[ventings-r-us]

fascinating to me the differences between artists, of all kinds

words come easier to me. i enjoy crafting a scene or a story or a dialogue with words. its the easiest way for me to picture or convey something

when i show my friend, he often praises me for my writing, saying how its so good and he couldnt do that

this doesnt make much sense to me. what do you mean you cannot write? where else do your words go? how can you not descibe a scene, simply do it

however, this same friend is an artist. an actual one, of the drawing kind. and i praise him, whenever he shows off his stuff, because its beautiful and something i could never hope to do

why not, he says. its easy. where else does the image go?

a reflection, sure. i wish i could reach the other side of it.

[ventings-r-us]

doesnt help that i start my job in a new location literally tomorrow. i dont know those people. i dont know the location. and i have to deal with this crushing terrible weight on my chest and throat and

[ventings-r-us]

currently on a several hour long roadtrip with my brother. and im struggling to breathe and not dissolve into a panic attack in the passenger seat

because. my whole family are fucking republicans. they all probably voted for this fucking fucker. i cant fucking deal with this

because of them this happened. the second i get home im going to collapse into a severe panic attack. i can feel it

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my friend helped me out with something this summer, and we hung out for a weekend for the first time in a long while. he ended up mentioning something about this guy i had a crush on in high school.

(smart, so fucking smart, witty, sarcastic, pretty, yet so dry. someone little elliot couldnt help but be drawn to, couldnt help following like a small sheep)

he mentioned that he was still mutual friends with the guy, and also jokingly offered to "set us up". it made me flustered, and i said i was flattered, but spoke to the fact that i knew it would never work out.

something you need to understand about this... crush, of mine. i fell for this guy at the beginning of my freshman year. i swore to myself, all the way back then, that i would love this guy probably throughout high school. and, well, i wasnt wrong.

astute observers should be able to tell me whats wrong with this picture. someone who i admired and occasionally talked with, but was not friends with necessarily. someone who i built up in my head over the years, who i endlessly pined over. even setting up a date now, or even if i were endlessly lucky and ending up dating him, it would be so awfully lopsided that it would end up tragic

im not sure. romance is probably not for me. i want it to be. i wish to have someone, that guy in high school i still cant help but swoon over whenever i think of him. but i dont think im built for it. the repetitiveness of it. for godsake i cant even hold down a fucking friendship, im not sure how i would be able to relationship. ah yes. i couldnt

sorry. im in an introspective mode tonight i s'pose

[ventings-r-us]

they happened to be uh. rather loose with space?

most of my coworkers keep a healthy bubble around each other, but they tended to be just a step closer than everyone else. im not sure if this was because they were pretty and therefore i was making something up that wasn't there, or if this was truly the case. also unsure what this could mean

few complications, given that i am in a higher position at my job, and therefore would be unable to pursue a relationship with anyone, really. plus ive met them barely twice, and am incredibly touch-starved.

anyway. not the point. basically, slight crush moment that will likely pass, but it made me think of something (looping back to my old friend, i promise)

[ventings-r-us]

the point, to my previous post, is complicated.

looking over my old posts, one would draw the conclusion of me being angry, bad at relationships, yet still a hopeless romantic at heart

i think. probably.

anyway.

we had a new person at my job today. technically, i saw them around while they were training the past few days, but today i actually truly worked with them

and they were super sweet. it was a very busy day, but they caught on quick and were very fun to listen to and joke with. a similar brand of soft awkwardness, wherein you could only laugh at yourself, is something i found reflected in them

alright new post im getting to weirdly poetic

[ventings-r-us]

i have a friend, from high school. he used to be my best friend, before we had a huge falling-out in senior year. we have since made up in the years past, but it's not quite the same as it was. likely never will be. our paths have diverged, and im not sure we'll ever be back on the same field. but oh well. such is life

[ventings-r-us]

idk. idk idk idk

and i dont have anyone i can talk to about it anyway. short of fuckin. calling up my parents or siblings. but they have their lives and i have mine.

nobody should have to be burdened with me

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but then its just. youre a coward, elliot. you cannot run from your mistakes, you have to own up to them

but why cant i run? it would be better for everyone if they were simply rid of me. there's really no positive benefit to me, so itd be a net gain

but youre a multifaceted individual. how would you feel if someone simply disappeared after doing something wrong. youd want them to stay because you probablt have other reasons you like them

except what fucking reason would anyone have to like me. whatever they see in me they can get elsewhere, for much better. this isnt a 2 cakes situation. its a cake versus. well idk manure ig

[ventings-r-us]

then its like. my brain is furiously demanding why they dont just fire me now, just kick me out and be rid of me before i make anything worse. im certainly bound to. i have a history of making things worse. backread this fucking blog for gods sake.

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now in spiraling and ive failed so lightly and yet feel like im suddenly a million billion miles away from where i'm meant to be. a slight stumble and ive been severely chastised for it

but isnt that selfish of me. how are they to know my struggle with that. its not fair of me to put that on them

but its still something im feeling. something. about. surely my feelings are valid too. but not ones that i can share with anyone. otherwise i will simply be selfish and cruel and not understanding. idk.

im probably going to cry

[ventings-r-us]

snapped at my coworkers yesterday. ive come far in my anger management but i slipped and snapped at 3 of em for standing around after a particularly stressful half hour. one of them proceeded to avoid me entirely the rest of the day and about half of today. my manager had a meeting with me about an unrelated topic and also said something about "keeping our tone gentle, etc etc" and did it in that fucking stupid ass roundabout way of hers where she refuses to state names as if we're both not sitting there with full awareness about who (me) we're talking about

[ventings-r-us]

im havin one rn