ventingtoime - Tumblr blog

[ventingtoime]

life goes on and on and on and on… and on. god im tired

[ventingtoime]

I still remember the softness in your eyes, in your voice, in your touch. I remember the feeling of your embrace despite it feeling like its someone else’s memory. I remember your laugh with snorts and the way your teeth were shaped with slight gaps between them. The way you would scratch my head and softly play with my hair. When we would hold hands and It felt like nothing i’d ever felt. Do you still remember me like I do you? Do you resent me for who I was?

I know I do and Im sorry still. I wont ever forgive myself. What i’ve lost is what I deserved in a way. Memories of everything are so painful but i am glad to remember at the same time. I hope that I wasn’t all bad.

I still love you and that won’t ever change. We aren’t in each others lives but I still hope the best for you. Im sorry for everything

[ventingtoime]

i know how i feel often. but there is love in life. eventually. somewhere out there, even for moments at a time. its there. in a world full of darkness in cracks theres light and love. in moments theres peace. you might feel like its all just a waste of time yeah. but there is no rush. you have had a hard time. please just let yourself feel this. even just for a moment. just let yourself feel this

[ventingtoime]

my imposter syndrome sucks ass. i cant be glad about my accomplishments because then i ask how can i be struggling then. ffs.

[ventingtoime]

How are you supposed to become more reliable to others and yourself being disabled. Am I never going to be able to know I can do something. Do I need to hurt and break myself down to just force through life? I wish I wasn’t me I wish I was able to do more than I can. I feel broken. I have so much I wish I could do yet I can’t commit obviously. Am I asking for too much? Am I just too sensitive. Just a constant state of survival. Of uncertainty. Of hatred to myself and what i’m unable to do. Of course I still wish I could just disappear and die. Honestly I can’t think of many reasons why I wouldn’t want that. I don’t cut because thats too obvious I am in pain. I wont do anything about it so don’t worry. I can say that with certainty. I make no difference in this world. I just weigh it down if anything. I just fantasize about death and I wish it came sooner so I didn’t false hope for a life my body can’t actually handle.

[ventingtoime]

I’ve forgotten the feeling of living. perhaps i never had it in the first place. I wonder if people actually are .. i dont even know how to phrase it? how would i word it. maybe its because i am stuck in survival mode that i just don’t understand what this is. what im supposed to do with this feeling? i don’t know what im feeling.

im afraid.

[ventingtoime]

I doubt my worth constantly. The medical field makes this worse rather than better. I know how helpful and how much a wheelchair would allow me to do. Yet because I wouldn’t use it full time this makes me think I don’t deserve those things to live life more fully because Im not “disabled enough”. Doctors questioning me and don’t want to fully diagnose me so I cant get benefits. I can barely afford my meds and it got denied. I feel like crying. Like giving up but its the last thing I should do. Why don’t I deserve to do more just because of the world being so inaccessible and ableist. I want to be apart of life instead of trying to force myself to do shit that will hurt me more? dont i…? I really want to believe I am worth enough to be able to have those aids to help me. Im never heard

[ventingtoime]

i wonder if i truly am who i portray. i know words are delusion but it doesn’t mean i don’t believe it at all. except i go against a lot of what advice i give out. im just as fake as anyone else. i hate everything that i am. especially this body that i “am”. i just want to cry but i cant. i just want help but i can’t seem to actually be able to ask. im pretending. pretending to be someone. something i am not. daydreaming of death. wishing i could change. trying but it never being enough. whats wrong with me. why can’t i just change ? they say they’ve seen progress. i think im just getting better at portraying what you want to see. nothing feels better. these drugs i take i need so many. im at the limit and it doesn’t feel like enough. even despite it all im nothing like you. like any of you. i know you hate it. hate ME. i don’t want them to see that im actually in pain. that im actually suffering. it doesn’t matter what i say. so i should just shut up. i wish i could sew my mouth, stab my heart and burn my lungs. since i deserve it. the smell you can smell it. why do i insist on breaking yourself. i dont know. because its all i know. i want freedom from the pain but its comfort wants me to stay. get comfortable. this thing .. its the only thing that has really stayed. forever. if i allow it. its the only thing that is real. it knows me. it hates you too. like everyone else. but at least it stays. i guess. i forget and remember again. its all a cycle. with nothing in it.

nothing in it.

[ventingtoime]

again you were in my dream. its like im being taunted. im sorry please im sorry

[ventingtoime]

it’s sad that when i’m crafting i think of these things that they would love or just the idea of gifting them something i made and knowing they would like it purely because its something i made but not being able to give them it. the fact that they will never hear these words from me or any more for that matter. its been i dont know. 5 years i think. yet they are always on my mind. while im sure i dont cross theirs. the panic i felt when i saw you all there not long ago. the words that were overwhelming me that i wish i went over to you but couldn’t. our eyes met and i froze. it was like deja vu. except its like we were in a different universe. only our souls remembered. when i finally decided i have to go talk to you. you were already gone. i missed my chance. my chance to maybe re grow our friendship. but maybe all i would get would be told you don’t want that and you made that clear. i know what i did wrong. i relive it constantly wishing i could take it back. wishing i would listen better. wishing i still had you. i’ve felt deep pain inside before and still constantly this is one of the worst things to have happen to me. i can’t connect anymore like i did you.. i dont smile anymore like you made me, nor do i laugh the same. nothing is ever going to be like it was. i know i shouldn’t be stuck in the past. i know. i cant help it. you think i haven’t tried to get better? you think i haven’t tried to build connections.. im so tired of getting up and shoved down again. when i get back down into this hole, i remember how it affected you all. so now i feel like i need to be the best i can regardless of how i feel. i am sorry that i negatively impacted your life so immensely. i know you will never see this. i just wish i could take it all back. this world isn’t worth living really when you had everything and i fucked it all up for myself. how stupid. how selfish. im afraid to hurt someone again while being unaware. i only noticed when it was too late. too late. closure? i dont know if thats fair. its been 5 years. i still cant handle it. if i asked for a hug. id break down crying honestly wishing i could hold on forever. knowing thats not possible. knowing all i know is not possible anymore. those things i took for granted. now im probably missing so much because of this pain im aware. that doesn’t mean i can help it. im helpless. my dreams give false hope. or just moments where i think its back. you really are back. then i wake up. realize its all a lie. please take me back to that time. i know better now. i know you cant. theres no point. is it better i felt that love, and lost it? or would it have been better if i hadn’t felt that at all. sometimes i wish i could forget entirely. i want to relapse so badly. i think its almost been a year. that doesn’t make it easier. i want to break myself to the point where i cant be fixed. surface match the heart. some fucked up way i would tell you before i left because this pain inside me is so fucking excruciating.. i can’t explain. but. i wanted to say goodbye. i wanted you guys to be the last to know. im aware of how fucked up all that is. im aware now how damaging and terrifying and awful that was. theres nothing i could do to fix that. so really, the best thing i can do is.. just leave you alone. thats what you want. i kept reaching out trying to get better. you really are done with me entirely. yet after all this time im still so broken over it. its probably for the best that you left before i tried to talk. i would have ruined your time. ill distract myself until death. thats all life really is honestly. distractions away from yourself. constantly. maybe some things you enjoy but really like everything its temporary. i hope when i die i fully die. i dont want to come back. i dont want to be a spirit i dont want to go to heaven or hell or whatever the fuck. i just wish to be entirely gone. nothing. its kind of funny. being so clean off self harm now and the only reason im not anymore is purely because its so obvious. somebody would see. i cant show you my pain.

i know how badly that hurts to see and being unable to help. yeah im older than i expected. i hope for death on a daily basis. not actively seeking it or attempting. just mindlessly hoping. i imagine many gruesome thoughts. very vivid. many ways i could die. unfortunately nothing has happened yet. i think at some point if something doesn’t theres a high chance it will be at my own hands. and im sorry if i hurt anyone by doing so.

[ventingtoime]

you are transphobic. while yeah you dont actively hate you do not support my living. words you would never say, but i know you feel in some ways im sure. i wish i didnt care. if it were someone not so close to me well maybe i wouldnt. i dont know why i let it affect me.

[ventingtoime]

i’m slipping again losing myself. i’ve lost you. it makes my heart break. i don’t want to go down this hole again. asking for help is so hard though. i just don’t know if i can. i’m so tired of this cycle. am i living

[ventingtoime]

as per the name of this blog and everything because im oh so ill and why not throw my complaints and shit into the void. why the hell not.