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i hate them so much. i hate how they make me hate living when life is so beautiful out there.

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the closest i'll ever get to love.

idk if i should blame my upbringing for finding the smallest things so amazing. parang ang babaw ba kung masyado akong napapayapa sa mga paraan niya mag assure? i never felt the need to demand for it bc he gives it without me having to ask. maybe this is all too soon to say or to feel but i hope it stays. if it won't, i'll forever be bitter about it.

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mf wasn't so right abt that 😭😭😭

how can one share intimacy with other people just like that? im no better because i guard myself but isn't it how it should be viewed? the commitment, the kisses, the sex, the love? as gifts, not just experiences. sometimes that part of me sounds too conservative for a world full of casualness.

but i think sometimes what looks like casualness is actually someone hoping or believing that it’s forever too. i'd like to think people express and navigate that hope differently. some dive in and give their all, thinking, "this could be it," while other ppl like me, move with caution and intention, wanting to be sure. although sometimes i'd like to give something a try, i'd like to feel something that feels worth it letting the guard down. maybe it wouldn't be so bad, you know? but i dont think i'll ever feel safe enough. sometimes the casualness can seem freeing. freeing to watch others be so open, sharing moments and feelings without hesitation, as if they’re able to fully experience everything without holding anything back. there’s a kind of beauty in their openness, and i wonder if im missing out on something by being more guarded. missing out on something everyone else seems to be able to freely embrace.

the rawness, the intensity of living through something—those experiences that stay, that shape, and that bring a sense of connection to the world and to others. it’s like feeling alive in the fullest sense. there’s something so beautiful about letting yourself be open to that, letting go of fear, and just experiencing without worrying about what comes after. but then, i also think there's beauty in the anticipation and in the choice to wait for something that truly feels meaningful. i'd like to believe it makes those moments, when they come, even more powerful because you know you didn't just jump into them. you gave them the weight and value they deserve. it’s like planting a seed and letting it grow at its own pace, knowing the bloom will be even more beautiful because of how long you nurtured it. intentionally.

someone said im too intentional. he was careful with his words tho. i was expecting to be called naive. but he called me too intentional instead. i wondered what that meant? he said i do things with meaning and purpose. but it got me thinking again, how can someone like me who goes with the flow yet does things with purpose and meaning? he said im flowing with direction :))))

i remember when i was a kid, i loved watching disney movies. there was something so magical about those first kisses, those tender, clueless moments between two people who barely knew each other, yet felt something extraordinary, something so magical. i always imagined it would be like that for me too.

and im gonna be right about that.

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i’ve been bed rotting in a decidedly self destructive way lately

being and nothingness, jean-paul sartre // the metamorphosis, franz kafka // i am the architect of my own destruction, juansen dizon // albert camus // as consciousness is harnessed, susan sontag // ralph waldo emerson // allen ginsberg // tennesse williams // letters to felice, franz kafka // sylvia plath

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Franz Kafka, 1912

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:(

i think there’s actually nothing better than being randomly told “I love you” after doing something characteristically stupid. Like what do you mean I’m a lovable person and I just did something silly and you thought “of course you would do that. I love you.”. No better feeling

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youre weirdly obsessed with finding meaning

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